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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

16 year old DD friendship with older boy

40 replies

Firefanatic · 27/12/2014 13:10

DD 16 (very mature for her age) has been very involved in a youth theatre since she was in Junior school. She is one of the lucky ones who is picked for main roles and as a result has many friends who are older than her (age group ranges from 8-21)

She has been an amazingly easy teen- doesn't argue- does as she's told, not particularly moody (unlike her sister who was very tricky until recently.)

She is at a girls' school where she cannot bear the bitchiness and so has few friends there. She gets on very well with the crowd from her youth theatre and sees them alot.

It would appear that she is in a friendship with one lad who is quite a bit older than her.

Not really sure what to do. He seems like a nice lad- works hard- been involved with charity work. But is it weird? My DH and DD1 (18) both think it is.

She has just tried to talk to DH about it and he isn't having any of it.

DD1 says I should be a parent not DD2's friend and stop this friendship.

I really don't know what to do.

I am concerned as I don't want her to get hurt and for her to become distracted from her studies. But I also don't want to put my foot down and say no as I don't want to drive her underground and become secretive (she has form for this.)

If she was a bit older the age gap wouldn't mean a thing but at 16 it seems alot.

I really dont know what to do.

Advice?

OP posts:

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ProfessorPickles · 27/12/2014 13:14

How old is he and what is it you are worried about happening?
Personally I'd think you have nothing to worry about, she's 16 years old and as you say she is mature and gets on well with people from her theatre group

noblegiraffe · 27/12/2014 13:14

What's the problem with the friendship? If he's not a boyfriend and not taking advantage of her, then what exactly is there to worry about?

iklboo · 27/12/2014 13:16

Friendship or relationship? I had friends of all ages at 16 - nothing sexual, romantic or emotional, just good friends with common interests. How much older us he?

Firefanatic · 27/12/2014 13:20

4 year older. Not sure if it is developing into a relationship.

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18yearstooold · 27/12/2014 13:21

Why is dd1 telling you how to parent dd2?

Sequinscheermeup · 27/12/2014 13:22

At that age my boyfriends were generally early twenties. I don't think it's a massive problem myself.

iwantgin · 27/12/2014 13:23

I don't see the problem.

You have said she is mature. She is 16 therefore over the age of consent if it is a sexual relationship.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 27/12/2014 13:24

Your DD1 needs to take her own advice and resume her role as your daughter and not your parent or friend (shes probably jealous)

Your dd2 sounds very sensible and i wouldnt worry about this at all. Unless there is something you have omitted from your post then there doesnt seem to be anything weird or dangerous about their relationship.

usualsuspect333 · 27/12/2014 13:24

I don't think you can or should stop the friendship.

I would do nothing.

CalamityKate1 · 27/12/2014 13:27

Agree with previous posters.

I wouldn't worry until you're given cause to. You say yourself she's sensible and mature.

I'd also be telling your other DD to butt out. Tbh her reaction smacks of glee at finally being able to be the "good" one.

WannaBe · 27/12/2014 13:30

I would do nothing.

Firefanatic · 27/12/2014 13:33

DD1 thinks it is weird- says all her friends (18 and 19 year olds) would think it was creepy.

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Firefanatic · 27/12/2014 13:34

DD1 has a boyfriend so not jealous- he is younger than DD2's friend!

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Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2014 13:36

My friend had a 21yr old boyfriend when she was 16yrs and got no end of grief from her family for it. It all looks rather silly now that they have been happily married for 40yrs, have 2 very successful, university educated, children and 4 grandchildren! They obviously loved each other and felt it was right-and it was.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 27/12/2014 13:37

Having a boyfriend doesnt mean she cant be jealous of her sister for a variety of reasons. She needs to butt out and you need to remind her that you are her parent, not the other way round. She is trying to meddle with her sister's life through you. Dont be manipulated. Leave DD2 to it. There is nothing to cause concern at this point. You are being way too premature.

Firefanatic · 27/12/2014 13:41

I know those stories do happen.My Dad met my mum when she was 15! He was the friend of her brother who lied about her age (he said she was 18)

My Dad was 6 years older than her so 22 at the time. They were married for 50 years. (DM died last year.)

When I told DD1 this she said it wasn't weird in those days but is now!

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Shesparkles · 27/12/2014 13:41

I had a 21 year old boyfriend at 16 and my parents were fine with it. Almost 30 years later we're still good friends. My parents were the most un liberal people going too. Maybe it helped that my parents had a 6 year age gap?
I'm really not seeing the problem between a mature 16 and 20

exexpat · 27/12/2014 13:41

Sounds fine to me. When I was 16 I was in a band with guys about 6 or 7 years older than me. They were much more interesting to hang out with than boys my age (we used to go to gigs, plays, pubs etc together as well as band practice sessions), but I wasn't romantically involved/sleeping with any of them. Even if your DD does develop a relationship with him, a four year age gap doesn't strike me as anything unusual or worrying, particularly if they have met through a mutual interest.

TheHoneyBadger · 27/12/2014 13:42

invite him over for dinner. meet him, see the two of them together, let him meet you and see and understand your family, listen to your instincts about him and take it from there.

don't let your other dd dictate to you about what is normal not normal or what you or her sister should do.

invite him round - christmas period is a good excuse. see if he can join in with daft family games, see what he's like at the dinner table, see if your dd is embarrassed etc.

would you do this?

HaloItsMeFell · 27/12/2014 13:42

I had a boyfriend who was 4 years older than me from the age of 14. It was not nearly as frowned upon then as it seems to be now, and we were together for 8 years.

At sixteen she is over the age of consent, old enough to legally marry and have a child should she choose to do so, so I think hshe's old enough to be able to date a 20 year old.

She sounds mature and sensible and the boy sounds nice and responsible. Trust your daughter to know her own mind on this one.

bigTillyMint · 27/12/2014 13:43

Why is it weird? When I was 16/17, all the boys/men I was friendly with were 19/20.

Have you met him? Have you any reason to think he is a weirdo?

HaloItsMeFell · 27/12/2014 13:44

oh, I've only just seen your post about your own parents! Then I am surprised you even need to ask the question!

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TheHoneyBadger · 27/12/2014 13:51

DD1's jealousy will be more to do with you and DD2 than boyfriends.

Sunna · 27/12/2014 13:54

DD1 is talking out of her arse.

It's no more unusual today than it was 50 years ago. None of her business anyway, tell her to butt out.

Firefanatic · 27/12/2014 13:59

No he's not a weirdo at all- seems quite young for a 20 year old actually.

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