Angry teenager.

[LynetteScavo]

I seem to be the mother of the worlds angriest 15yo boy.

There is no reason he is angry...he just is.

What can I do to alleviate the anger? (A bit of lavender spray isn't going to cut it here)

How do we access anger management?

[CouthyMow]

Lynette - DD has 'GDD with Autistic traits'. Same issues, different name...(can't afford a private dx and NHS has NO facilities in my area to dx anyone over the age of 14 - and rarely over the age of 10tbh...)

[CouthyMow]

Lynette - DD has 'GDD with Autistic traits'. Same issues, different name...(can't afford a private dx and NHS has NO facilities in my area to dx anyone over the age of 14 - and rarely over the age of 10tbh...)

[cinnamontoast]

So glad it helped, Lynette. And really pleased your DS is feeling better now. I have had to learn to just walk out of the room when mine kicks off, and I am actually pretty confrontational so it's really hard! We're on holiday at the mo, which is always a trigger point, and I'm quite proud that I walked away yesterday when DS started to get angry and aggressive, so now we're pretty much back on an even keel.
It's really hard to feel you have to tiptoe round them, isn't it? But I am beginning to learn what another poster told me, which is when you back off you are more likely to get the behaviour you want.
Here's a link to my earlier thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1957813-16-yr-old-DS-being-violent-really-needs-to-move-in-with-his-father-temporarily-for-all-our-sakes-but-refuses

[LynetteScavo]

Thank you, thank you, cinnamontoast

It's lovely just to know someone else out there knows what it's like.

but it's often only after the event that you can see the underlying anxiety; and that you cannot parent Asperger's children the way you parent others So, so, so, so true!!!

I am going to finally buy that Explosive Child book - it's been in my Amazon basket for 7 years!

So sorry that your DS feels he is depressed. But it's good that he can tell you how he is feeling.

DS1 is now in a much better place atm, but has done a couple of things today (like accidentally smash a mug) which had me on edge because I thought it might be out of anger, but thankfully wasn't.

[cinnamontoast]

Lynette, Asperger's/anger - aargh, tell me about it! My DS is 16, with a diagnosis of dyspraxia and 'features of Asperger's'. I posted a couple of months ago about his violent behaviour and received a lot of useful advice (don't know how to link to the thread,sorry, but it's somewhere in Teenagers). The main things are that anxiety has a HUGE impact - but it's often only after the event that you can see the underlying anxiety; and that you cannot parent Asperger's children the way you parent others - they simply don't understand consequences in the same way, and rewards/punishments never work. I was trying to control the situation with my DS, which only made it worse. I have had to learn to try not to engage, no matter how bad the behaviour, as any sort of confrontation makes it worse. A couple of other posters recommended a book called The Explosive Child, which has been helpful. It's aimed at younger children but gave me some useful insights.
A week after his last very violent episode, my DS unexpectedly came to me and said he thought he might be depressed, which certainly made me view it in a different light.

[LynetteScavo]

He was, just over a year ago diagnosed with Aspergers. I don't usually mention that as it tends to kill threads

[LynetteScavo]

mathanxiety - you are right, but I don't know how/what to do to access help for his anxiety.

When he was younger there wasn't anything we didn't try...every alternative medicine (hypnotherapy, cranial osteopath, aromatherapy, homeopathy) and a good deal of money thrown at private psychologists...only to be diagnosed with "anxiety disorder". Cognitive therapy was advised, but at £175 ph, we had run out of cash.

[KatieN1]

Although you probably feel that your son is the only angry boy out there and you must have done something wrong believe me you are not alone. I have five sons, one who was always very happy go lucky, has had anger management issues for over a year now, culminating in a very nasty,violent and self harming incident last summer. None of his family or friends can get to the bottom of what's bothering him. He believes that he is ok and everyone else has a problem so it makes it very difficult to seek help. Speaking to the GP didn't help as my son refuses to admit he has a problem but it has been helpful to talk to his teachers and enlist their help. Physical activity helps but when he is in an angry phase he loses interest in everything and shows signs of depression. Mainly we are trying to show him that we will always be there for him but at the same time not allowing his anger to ruin the everyday activities of the rest of the family.Hopefully it will all pass soon and we can be a happy and united family again.
Thinking of you; it's a tough stage for you. Good luck.

[mathanxiety]

Maybe you need to access help for anxiety? Because while this particular storm has blown over, something else is bound to crop up that makes him anxious.

[Floggingmolly]

That sounds excessively anxious... There's no bullying going on, is there?

[LynetteScavo]

So not to be rude, and to answer some questions.....DS in very destructive when angry....he can completely destroy his bedroom, plus phone, etc. He never hurts anyone, but it is scary as he's big now.

Anyway, it turns out it was all down to anxiety. He was very anxious about going on a school trip to Cadbury World, FFS! He was hideous from finding out he had to go, until he came back that evening....all sweetness and light!

[lljkk]

sexual frustration....

Did the anger management in yr4 help? DS just went but I don't any improvement for him (DH benefited, though).

[mrscumberbatch]

What does he do? Is he violent or snappy? Does he say mean things?

As a former 'very angry teen without a cause', I wouldn't recommend anger management unless its getting in his way while he is away from the home.

If he's only angry when he is at home leave him to it and perhaps look at him moving out sooner rather than later.

I think if I had went to anger management at that age it would probably have made me worse as then I would have had an excuse for my behaviour. (Ie: why would you do that? You know I'm in anger management!!!)

Sometimes a bit of space and responsibility completely changes a person.

And also, speaking of change. Change- wtf are you on? Are you reading the same thread as everyone else??!

[Jesuisunepapillon]

What is his diet like? It's a long shot but some peoples' behavious and mood is massively improved by cutting back on processed food and sugar. But, he's a teenage boy so I get that that's not necessarily going to be easy.

What physical exercise does he get?

What does he enjoy in life?

Does he have a goal, something to aim towards, something which makes him want to get out of bed each day. Does he have a role model (have you been watching the Winter Olympics? It's so inspiring. Lots of teens in it, and young adults)

Has he ever had any therapy or talked to anyone about his feelings?

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

This is my stupid question for the day, but is this a normal stage of boys progressing though puberty? I mean, in the absence of something else going on?

I have an adult DD, but she just went through that "crying phase" as a preteen that girls often go through. My two DS's are still 4 and 7, so obviously not a huge help here.

Is there a possibility of getting a referral to CAMHS to see if there is something specific behind it?

[ivykaty44]

How is his anger displayed? What have you already tried with him to prevent the anger and how old is he?

[CouthyMow]

The only way I'm even close to accessing Anger Management for my DD is to have refused to have her home, to have her in FC, and for the Foster Carers to have seen her aggressive behaviour.

Have discovered she is smoking weed. Is there any chance of that with your DS? (I'm only asking because I had overlooked this possibility with DD, but it's now been confirmed by multiple sources)

And no, you are NOT alone in having an extremely aggressive 15yo. But is DOES feel fucking lonely in RL!!

[Letslet]

Northernlurker makes a good point about physical activity. I also have a 15yr old DS and the best thing we did was get him some weights a bench press and some other sports equip. (Although could be jogging, cycling or anything) He went through a surly, angry teenage period but now I find if he needs an a outlet for his emotions he goes out and does some weights for 20 minutes and tends to come back in a better mood . it's been a god send especially as we are about to start the GCSE run up to exams

[LineRunner]

Hi Lynette, I have a 15 year old son, soon to be 16. He often feels a real sense of the world not being fair (which let's face it, it isn't) and it gets to him sometimes.

Also my experience is that teenagers often struggle with change. No idea if that's relevant.

In terms of handling it, is the angry behaviour ignorable? (A bit like some of the poor behaviour on threads tonight needs ignoring.)

[NorthernLurker]

How physically active is he? It's a clich but physical activity helps with wellbeing a lot.

[QwertyBird]

Umm Lynette has not been spiteful. Your comment though, change, was spiteful and needless. Pot and kettle there

[HoneyDragon]

Is there anyone who can help him recognise the angry feelings, so he can stop and rationalise. Or still least give pause to say " I need space".

My friend had a similar phase with her son, and says the best advice she was given was make sure that she (as well as her ds) ate well and rested well.

It doesn't help with the anger issue, but means your in a better position to help with it.

[Floggingmolly]

Spiteful??? Where?

[SPsMrLoverManSHABBA]

change What the fuck are you on? How has Lynette been spiteful? Stop been a dick

[Changebagsandgladrags]

Just that the OP thinks spiteful is acceptable, maybe this is making the DS more angry?