Throw him out, have him arrested, or hang on in there?

[flow4]

I'm wondering if anyone has any experience of throwing their child out or having them arrested? I'm pretty much at that point with my 16 (nearly 17) yo son, and obviously it's not an every-day situation...

Over a 5 week period at Christmas/new year he gained access to my savings and stole £850. He spent it mostly on skunk and m-cat (drugs). He finally got guilty, confessed, said he was sorry, and promised to pay it back. He doesn't have a job, but for a few weeks he did chores to begin to pay it off.

Then I got careless and he stole £20. And he stopped doing his chores. And he stopped going to college... Then he seemed to turn a corner and went back to college last week...

Then this morning he came in from a night of partying, off his face and smelling of mcat. He crashed out and slept until about 20 mins ago. But a couple of hours ago I unlocked my cash box (one of a few desperate measures) to go pay a builder, and found he has stolen another £50 from me.

He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he's doing it anyway. He refused counselling or help from a drugs agency. I'm a single parent with limited support. He is bigger and stronger than me, and often bolshy and scary, tho rarely actually violent.

I'm very uncertain about what to do for the best. I'm tempted to have him arrested, but I can't imagine that a criminal record ever helps anyone. I do not want to live like this, but am aware that if I throw him out he will go to sleep on the sofas of exactly the same teens he takes drugs with. And I imagine things will get rapidly much worse for him.

On the other hand, every moral instinct I have says he shouldn't 'get away' with behaving like this. And I am not at all a natural doormat, but I am totally out of ideas and very nearly out of strength. I am also very conscious of how unfair and stressful it is for my youngest son, as well as me.

Anyone got any experience or wisdom here,? Your thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[MaryzInfinityToPowerOfInfinity]

I'm sorry things are going so badly flow . You sound as though you are where I was a couple of years ago.

I used not to mind so much when dh was out on the streets in the summer (I was always slightly panicked when the weather was really cold - I remember one snowy night when he was just 14 actually trawling the woods for him).

I think you are doing really well, by the way. You are hanging in there, waiting for him to grow up (and frantically hoping that he will). Most kids do, in the end.

Sending you (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and sympathy.

[awbless]

Lets hope that your 'tough' stance has made him think. Well done Flow with one of the toughest things you will ever have to do. I deal with parents who continue to 'not go through with what they have said' iyswim.

Re SS - sounds like they arew behaving true to form. Regarding their legal Duty, if you want clarity and advice then your local Law Centre's Housing Solicitor will give you accurate advice on exactly what their Duty is (not what SS would have us believe)

[flow4]

Thanks everyone. I have let him come back today, after a week of sofa-surfing and a lonnnng conversation about everything that has been going on. He seems to have realised (a) he needs me and (b) he has been behaving outrageously. He said he had realised he wouldn't treat a friend the way he had treated me, and he wants us to 'be friends' again. He has agreed to a whole load of conditions and changes, including 'basic' ones like no violence or stealing, and some more complex ones like doing some voluntary work to fill his time while he doesn't have paid work, and going to get some support/advice around his drug use.
I don't know if I've done the 'right' thing, but I'm doing what seems like the best thing at this point. Like you said, maryz - one step forward, two steps back... At least it feels like a step forward today... I think...

[Brightspark1]

Can't work out stupid emoticons, but hug anyway. I reallyhopeit works out, hope he gets ( and accepts ) help for drug problems. Maybe he used the time away for some serious reflection and thought. Either way you need to stay strong and not let him step over your lines in the sand, otherwise next thing you know he will be walking all over you... Again.
DD has been more open and has actually talked to me more in the past couple of weeks since she has been in care. She is applying to college and seems to be seeing some future. She has also talked to mymum and told her everything, even about attackingme. She is bored and desperately lonely as she has lost touch with all her friends. I think she is finally realising that she needs to engage with help offered and that home isn't sobad. But then I'm the eternal optimist and I will clutch at even the tiniest straw... Don't we all?

[flow4]

Sometimes I think I'm clutching at so many straws, brightspark, that I could help the three little pigs rebuild and outlast the big bad wolf! It does sound like things are moving on with your daughter tho. Fingers crossed!