Throw him out, have him arrested, or hang on in there?

[flow4]

I'm wondering if anyone has any experience of throwing their child out or having them arrested? I'm pretty much at that point with my 16 (nearly 17) yo son, and obviously it's not an every-day situation...

Over a 5 week period at Christmas/new year he gained access to my savings and stole £850. He spent it mostly on skunk and m-cat (drugs). He finally got guilty, confessed, said he was sorry, and promised to pay it back. He doesn't have a job, but for a few weeks he did chores to begin to pay it off.

Then I got careless and he stole £20. And he stopped doing his chores. And he stopped going to college... Then he seemed to turn a corner and went back to college last week...

Then this morning he came in from a night of partying, off his face and smelling of mcat. He crashed out and slept until about 20 mins ago. But a couple of hours ago I unlocked my cash box (one of a few desperate measures) to go pay a builder, and found he has stolen another £50 from me.

He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he's doing it anyway. He refused counselling or help from a drugs agency. I'm a single parent with limited support. He is bigger and stronger than me, and often bolshy and scary, tho rarely actually violent.

I'm very uncertain about what to do for the best. I'm tempted to have him arrested, but I can't imagine that a criminal record ever helps anyone. I do not want to live like this, but am aware that if I throw him out he will go to sleep on the sofas of exactly the same teens he takes drugs with. And I imagine things will get rapidly much worse for him.

On the other hand, every moral instinct I have says he shouldn't 'get away' with behaving like this. And I am not at all a natural doormat, but I am totally out of ideas and very nearly out of strength. I am also very conscious of how unfair and stressful it is for my youngest son, as well as me.

Anyone got any experience or wisdom here,? Your thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[flow4]

Sometimes I think I'm clutching at so many straws, brightspark, that I could help the three little pigs rebuild and outlast the big bad wolf! It does sound like things are moving on with your daughter tho. Fingers crossed!

[Brightspark1]

Can't work out stupid emoticons, but hug anyway. I reallyhopeit works out, hope he gets ( and accepts ) help for drug problems. Maybe he used the time away for some serious reflection and thought. Either way you need to stay strong and not let him step over your lines in the sand, otherwise next thing you know he will be walking all over you... Again.
DD has been more open and has actually talked to me more in the past couple of weeks since she has been in care. She is applying to college and seems to be seeing some future. She has also talked to mymum and told her everything, even about attackingme. She is bored and desperately lonely as she has lost touch with all her friends. I think she is finally realising that she needs to engage with help offered and that home isn't sobad. But then I'm the eternal optimist and I will clutch at even the tiniest straw... Don't we all?

[flow4]

Thanks everyone. I have let him come back today, after a week of sofa-surfing and a lonnnng conversation about everything that has been going on. He seems to have realised (a) he needs me and (b) he has been behaving outrageously. He said he had realised he wouldn't treat a friend the way he had treated me, and he wants us to 'be friends' again. He has agreed to a whole load of conditions and changes, including 'basic' ones like no violence or stealing, and some more complex ones like doing some voluntary work to fill his time while he doesn't have paid work, and going to get some support/advice around his drug use.
I don't know if I've done the 'right' thing, but I'm doing what seems like the best thing at this point. Like you said, maryz - one step forward, two steps back... At least it feels like a step forward today... I think...

[awbless]

Lets hope that your 'tough' stance has made him think. Well done Flow with one of the toughest things you will ever have to do. I deal with parents who continue to 'not go through with what they have said' iyswim.

Re SS - sounds like they arew behaving true to form. Regarding their legal Duty, if you want clarity and advice then your local Law Centre's Housing Solicitor will give you accurate advice on exactly what their Duty is (not what SS would have us believe)

[MaryzInfinityToPowerOfInfinity]

I'm sorry things are going so badly flow . You sound as though you are where I was a couple of years ago.

I used not to mind so much when dh was out on the streets in the summer (I was always slightly panicked when the weather was really cold - I remember one snowy night when he was just 14 actually trawling the woods for him).

I think you are doing really well, by the way. You are hanging in there, waiting for him to grow up (and frantically hoping that he will). Most kids do, in the end.

Sending you (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and sympathy.

[flow4]

awbless, thank you for some helpful, practical advice. Social Services have already told me I have to have him and that they will not/cannot accommodate him. I refused to have him back when he was bailed and the emergency duty social worker who was with my son at the police station as his 'responsible adult' left him there, and has not contacted me or him since. He slept on friends' sofas for 2 nights after that, was at home for a week, and has now been out again for 3 nights and counting. He is choosing to sofa-surf and refused to go to the housing office with me or alone. Thankfully, we live in a 'safe' area where the risks really are low and there are lots of my friends he could go to, if he chose to.

It is not looking quite so bleak today cos he has been in touch and we have talked, and he says he wants to make changes and he needs help. This feels quite significant, cos he has til now maintained he had no problem that wasn't me, and needed no-one but himself and maybe me.

I haven't agreed to anything yet tho. It is so complex.

[awbless]

Flow just wanted to add - the situation is of his own doing. He's made the choices and will do everything he can to manipulate it round to being Someone Else's Fault.

Now the Police are invloved he will have to go to drugs counselling sessions.

Also does the college he attends have a UPS (Uniform Pre-Services) Course. They are excellent and really good with dissaffected young people, who are considering careers/jobs in the Armed Forces/Services/Fire etc..

[awbless]

Flow you have to stick to your boundaries here, for your sake, your younger DC's sake and most of all for your DS. There are a lot of things to deal with here and his drug use if the major issue - affecting his thinking and behavior. As you say - if he was thinking 'normally' he would realise it is crunch time.

He is not thinking 'normally' and needs professional help. The YOT are most useful in getting this sorted.

He will not be homeless, Childrens' Social Care have a Legal Duty to ensure he has emergency accomodation under Childrens Act. Do NOT let them bully you into taking him back (yet), they will try and say you have to. You do not as you are fearful/scared etc. of whta he will do and it's a safeguarding issues for younger DC.

Keep on the cases of the SW and CSC. Unfortunately, in the cases of 16+ they all too often try to wriggle out of their legal Duty towards these young people.

I know it's holiday period but the college he attends should/will have a Safeguarding Officer who will help you with this (that's my role - so I do have some understanding of the help available).

Have faith - I've seen some great turn arounds from young people. There are some really dedicated and excellent people working in Drug Services too (Early Break ect).

[flow4]

Hi all, thanks for your comments. I'm a bit down at the mo, so not very communicative. My son has been gone since Sunday night and I have had no contact, after I ignored a text from him yesterday saying he couldn't believe I'd left him without food. I know (by the way) there are at least half a dozen houses he could go to for a meal - my friends - but he wants to avoid disapproval and any 'telling off', because he knows people would say "You did what?! No wonder your mum has kicked you out. What are you going to do about it?"

I keep hoping he'll have a sudden epiphany and see the error of his ways. I know that's not realistic.

I feel there is no 'right' thing to do - I feel it's a "damned if you so, damned if you don't" situation. So I'm just waiting to see what he's going to do. It's very uncomfortable.

[Rezolution]

flow4 Yes, I understand why you don't fancy him joining the forces. Fwiw my DD1 aged 13 is in Army Cadets and absolutely loves it. Surprising because she is a girly-girl who hardly moves off the ipad but she has just been on a camping trip with Cadets somewhere in Shropshire and loved it. Not my idea of fun but it certainly got her off the bed and out in the fresh air.
She even enjoyed weapons handling! Also he might enjoy Air Cadets where they can learn gliding. What about Uniformed Services? That covers everything including Fire Service. What is he doing at college? Maybe he has his own game plan?

[GinPalace]

He can earn real money - that made persuade him!

[GinPalace]

I know what you mean!

It isn't doing what you are told in the same way as doing what your Mum tells you - often it's a case of wanting to do what you are told as everyone is too - but suppose you have to be prepared to play the game and follow the rules.... Maybe a trip to careers office and they could sell it to him. There is more to it than just following orders, but he needs to see that for himself.

[flow4]

I have always been vaguely anti-military. Not anti-soldiers as individual human beings, you understand, but in a vaguely leftish pacifist 'I don't like killing' way... However, I have changed my mind, because as I now see it, the armed forces are the only people prepared to engage with and invest in boys like my son, who seem to have been written off by the rest of society. I have talked to my son about joining up - he isn't keen - and he would need to he prepared to do what he's told, which he definitely isn't at the mo. Maybe he'll change his mind when he's had a couple of weeks sofa-surfing and sees what his other options are...

[Rezolution]

flow4 He sounds like a good lad who is just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Tbh he needs to go somewhere away where he could board/lodge and learn a job, like the forces, agricultural college, maybe working with animals. Don't have a magic solution though, wish I could offer more ideas. He needs to be away from the group he has fallen in with. What about the Merchant Navy?

[Selks]

If it's any support, my daughter went through a terrible spell when she was 15 - 16 of drug taking, lying about where she was and who with, bunking off school, impossible to be around at home - foul temper etc. She became 'human' again at 17 and is now at 22 lovely, very organised, hard working young woman holding down a decent job, the drug taking a thing of the past, and we have a great relationship.

I know my daughter's situation was not the same as you and your son, but I just wanted to post that to show that things can really change for the better a little way down the line. But when she was 15 I despaired that we would never have a good relationship and worried about her future a great deal.

[GinPalace]

He might not like the idea but he sounds great military material - good in crisis - lots of energy etc. He could go into Navy or some such - doesn't have to be front line troops.

[GinPalace]

At risk of trotting out the kind of daft ideas my mum would...

could he join the army? - my BIL was going off the rails at 16 and was forced encouraged to join. He loved it, was there for 10 years and is now a fine upstanding man with a high level professional job and 2 kids.

was just the right place for a high energy lad with the need to let off steam and be with other feisty lads - for him at least.

[flow4]

Gin - Nope, no relatives who have ever been involved with his life, or have the ability/interest to do that for him. That is part of the problem. His father left the country and isn't in touch. He and I have no contact with his father's family. My parents are both dead. My brother w/couldn't. There's no-one else. I would really like to have him somewhere else, away from the influences...

If I could, I would go so far as to kidnap him and 'abandon' him in a foreign country with a return ticket in a 6 months time and a few hundred quid in his pocket. He's always been good in a crisis and it would probably be the making of him. But that sort of thing is illegal, innit?!

Rezolution - thank you - I am fairly clued up and coping more or less - tho it doesn't always feel like it, especially when I'm sobbing uncontrollably at 2am or whatever. It feels insane, a lot of the time, to have a 'grown up', sensible, fulfilling life with a responsible, professional job and a high-achieving younger son on the one hand... And this kind of craziness on the other :( (I don't know if these cultural references will mean anything to you, but I have said before that I feel like I am living in Ambridge and he is living on the Chatsworth Estate...) I have a massive amount of sympathy, these days, for the sorts of families who get the most criticism in the media, for having 'feral', out-of-control kids, because I think that if I am having this much trouble, with all my resources and understanding, then parents with less support, awareness, money, etc. must find it totally impossible :(

[Rezolution]

He needs help and maybe the only way he will get it is by having him arrested? Don't think chucking him out will help tbh - it might make him worse. Also you have yourself and your other DS to consider. for your situation. Your OP sounds very clued-up. You are coping amazingly well. Good luck.

[GinPalace]

God what a bleak picture! :(

Curious partly because my Dh wants us to move to the country but I am not so sure as when dc's no longer small I worry this would be the trap. I spent time when young with people who lived in similar situations and many were like this without parents knowledge. :(

Do you have any relatives who live elsewhere he could have a sabbatical with and massive change of scene / leave the bad influences? Really hope there is a solution somewhere.

[flow4]

Small town/semi-rural and quite isolated, Gin.

There's nothing much for teens to do, unless they're already engaged in something constructive like a sport club. Almost all of them go to the same school, the only local one, 5 miles away - until/unless they are kicked out. It is not a good one (it just scraped 'Satisfactory' with Ofsted) and it has a 'zero tolerance' head-teacher and the highest exclusion rate and the lowest GCSE results for boys in the whole area. The kids who have the biggest problems seem to me to be the liveliest, most energetic ones - who need to be doing not sitting still - and who are constantly in trouble. My son started smoking cannabis (when he was 12, it turns out :( ) to sort of sedate himself so he could sit still and deal with being bored. He is bright enough to have got 5 GCSEs without doing any work last year, but he opted to do a lower level course this year, and doesn't (yet?) have the sense/maturity to realise he is happier being challenged than being lazy. The kids he is hanging around with have either left school officially or have been thrown out, and they basically do nothing and have no/low/crazy aspirations. Drugs like skunk and M-Cat are very readily available - and very widely used: even 'nice' children (the ones who are headed for Uni and professional careers, and/or the ones who are active in sports clubs) use them occasionally... Disengaged kids, especially boys, are using skunk on a daily basis - recently they have been not only smoking it but rolling it openly in the streets - and seem to be using M-Cat every weekend and sometimes mid-week. It is very sad and very depressing.

[GinPalace]

Can I ask Flow if you live in out-of-town or city environment?

Not that it is relevant to your case, but interested what sort of place has lots of teenagers developing a drug habit?

[flow4]

Well I think so too Selks, but he doesn't. He thinks his use is purely social and "less than other people" - which is probably true, but only because there seem to be lots of teenagers around here developing problems with drugs... :( He came back from a drugs assessment last week (compulsory, arranged by the youth offending team as part of his final warning) and told me "She says you think I've got a drugs problem but I haven't"... But of course he didn't tell 'her' about his stealing... He has 2 more semi-compulsory sessions with a drug worker, but after that, it is unlikely that he will go to optional ones. He may not even make those.

[Selks]

It sounds like his drug habits are a major factor in all of this. It's really important that drug services keep working with him.