glamour holiday. I need serious help

[frumpyOnHols]

NCd for this as personal appearance details would out me.

Going on ultra glamourous holiday to a resort on an island. The climate is cool-temperate (i.e. not freezing, swimming weather, but not short sleeves weather in the evenings either).

The family members we're going with are appearance-obsessed, vain, shutter-happy and will take a bloody million photographs and then distribute them to the rest of the family and the world, along with a commentary on everyone's appearance. There is little i can do to change that situation without causing pointless conflict (if I try, I'm not going to change their point of view, just the atmosphere on holiday, and not for the better). So instead of trying to escape the sodding cameras, damnit, this time I am going to be in the photos and not hating myself and my appearance.

I routinely look terrible in glamourous contexts, and have always hated dressing up. Because of the glamour aspect, this really wouldn't have been my choice of holiday, despite the island being amazing.

I am 163cm (5'4"), weigh about 57kg, have muscly legs, not much of a waist, and a very untoned upper body, have blue-white freckly skin, loads of moles, wrinkles, grey-blue eyes, thin blonde-red hair, untamed blonde eyebrows, blonde eyelashes, bad teeth. I wear glasses and can't wear contacts (or see without the glasses). I have no idea what to do with makeup, it always looks ghastly.

Suggestions please, for:

Shorts that fit over chunky thighs but still look glamourous
Tops that cover my untoned flabby upper arms
Sun dresses with non-frumpy cardigan or something
Sandals that i can walk in
Sunhat
Bathing costume
What to wear to drinks before dinner
What to wear to dinner

How to fix hair, eyebrows, teeth, confidence, desire to not go on holiday because of fecking paparazzi MIL

[sunniest]

i've seen the loreal elvive fibrology thickening shampoo (in a bright blue bottle) work wonders on thin hair.

[Smokeyrobinson]

Lots of great ideas here. For your H air problems YY to the Babyliss Big Hair and I've recently discovered Viviscal Hair Fibres. easy to use and to transport. Will add texture and volume to your bald patch and are undetectable.

[trickyex]

There are some really glam Birkies out now, the Sydney style is less bulky than the usual ones and comes in glam finishes, such as shiny/subtle snakeskin etc
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KQET2WW/ref=twister_B00RZD5XNE?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Birkenstock-Sydney-Pearl-Hazel-488171/dp/B00KQEZEDS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1432998842&sr=8-2&keywords=birkenstock%20sydney&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

This jumper also looks lovely and might work for your hols

www.boden.co.uk/en-GB/Womens-Knitwear/Jumpers/WV030/Womens-Elegant-Shimmer-Jumper.html

And some culottes might be a good option
www.houseoffraser.co.uk/Karen+Millen+Denim+culotte/220361999,default,pd.html?$ja=tsid:45090|kw:Skimbit|cgn:78888&awinDCS=3100_1432998993_f56ea611eb967923d2a3221e131ba29b||0||0||0||skim34418X923830X5bd6200a5de9eef6cbc69d28d0e9944a&awc=3100_1432998993_f56ea611eb967923d2a3221e131ba29b&cm_mmc=AWIN--Deeplink--NULL--NULL&istCompanyId=17910aed-1bae-4362-9580-b523eb87a91e&istItemId=imrqpqmx&istBid=t

And have a look on this blog as she gives lot of suggestions (and links) for glam outfits and may have a similar figure to you (ie slim!)

doesmybumlook40.blogspot.co.uk/

Agree re brows/lashes/nails/fake tan - M&S Autograph has a good one (gradual tan) not too whiffy and comes in light tone
www.marksandspencer.com/gradual-tan-body-crme-light-to-medium-200ml/p/p22352176?mfPartNumber=T224301&carousel=FUNV_RR

[hettie]

Look at white company, they have lots of cover ups and dresses and great shorts

[specialsubject]

shorts will look fine, especially those proper hiking/walking ones. Shorts do not need to reveal what you had for lunch, knee length looks good.

get a couple of rash vests.

make sure you do your tricep dips properly, you can knacker up shoulders easily doing them wrong.

pack one more thing - a comedy mask, and wear it in all photos until they stop taking pictures of you without your consent.

or don't go on what sounds like the trip from hell. Life is too short to spend with arseholes such as you describe.

[Flyinggeese21]

Hi I can't help so much on the clothing side of things but am a fellow pale person - and I've had successful spray tans done! Do you have enough time before hol for a practise run of a pale tan to see what you think? I've had 'Sienna' brand at the salon and loved it.

[nannyplumislostinspace]

I have the boden maxi dress you have linked in green. It's really pretty and looks smart. I love it in navy.

I also love the one piece swimming costume.

Banana republic have some lovely shorts at the moment.

[frumpyOnHols]

thanks Jester. Good ideas. But I think I'd need a whole head of extra hair to be able to do any of those hairdos...

[JesterJaffacake]

spray tan, try and find a salon or beautician who uses Healthy Glow products. Fragrance free and genuinely natural looking

[JesterJaffacake]

www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/easy-hairstyles-with-spin-pins hopefully clicky link now.

[JesterJaffacake]

YY to kimonos (I have loads, sheer ones for beach wear to throw over swimsuit with big floppy hat, others in silk or cotton that look great with a vest top and palazzo pants or shorts) and to grooming, nails and feet will make you feel much more glamorous and a groomed eyebrow makes a lot of difference. Be careful re tinting though, many brow places will only do a brown tint and it can look harsh at first, I'd have a trial run of this, maybe even tint a good few weeks before you go so it fades.

Hair, buy some spin pins/corkscrew pins. On eBay for about £1 for 2. I have fine, crappy hair that won't hold a style but these things have changed my life! incredible and so easy to use, some ideas for styles here [http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/easy-hairstyles-with-spin-pins]

[CycleChic]

oh dear... perhaps something in their food, then, so they can't go after all?

[frumpyOnHols]

CycleChic no they think I'm defective for not knowing all this in advance. Thankfully Fb is beneath them... they're more into personal letterhead and sending a few carefully-chosen prints....

ThreeQuarters, thanks for the advice, will keep it in mind.

ChocolateIsMySleep thanks for that, will look into it.

burnishedsilver mostly people comment on how old I look, that with some makeup I could probably look quite passable, and that my hair is showing its bald patch at the back. However my sister's most memorable description was "a carthorse in drag"...

[ThreeQuartersEmpty]

Re the spray tan, ask for the lightest shade they have. I've blue skin too and the dark tans make me look ridiculous. Wear flip flops so you dont have to put shoes on after.
I think ive had he-shi before, and it wasnt smelly. Well, not more so than the normal fake tan smell.

[CycleChic]

I take it you can't throw yourself on their mercy ask the Glamzillas you're travelling with for advice? The follow up fb comments might be more kind/smug ifyou're done up as per their suggestions. ..

[ChocolateIsMySleep]

Hi OP,

Just to add, I have super fine shoulder length hair and have just discovered the babyliss big hair (late to the party!) - it has honestly changed my life! I've never been able to blow dry but can now get some root lift and curl the ends under or flick them out - it's fab! People have even commented on how nice my hair looks!

[burnishedsilver]

I'd love to hear someone else's description of you. I bet it's nothing like the harsh portrait you paint of yourself!

[goodnessgraciousgouda]

OP - Personally I never advise fake tanning. I hate it with a passion and it's so easy to fuck up.

However, if you do want to go with it, then just check the backs of the bottles to see whether it is perfumed or not. Or ask the staff for an unperfumed recommendation.

[SagaNorensLeatherTrousers]

Nothing to add except .

[frumpyOnHols]

close

[SagaNorensLeatherTrousers]

Kagus?? New Caledonia is my guess.

[frumpyOnHols]

Sorry one more question

I know it's highly unlikely - but are any fake tans unperfumed? Perfume (to be more precise, the carriers in it) gives me migraines. It's one of the reasons I've always avoided makeup, hair salons, etc.

[frumpyOnHols]

thanks. Will have a look in Gap, John Lewis, etc. when on leave next week. And Boots for prescription sunnies. And might see if i can find somewhere for a trial run re: eyebrows and tan.

As to where i'm going, exclusive, cool temperate, lagoon swimming but howling gales on the other side of mountains, and highly-endangered flightless birds are probably enough clues as to the region!

[mumofoliver]

I have the striped Boden costume you linked to and I love it! Surprisingly flattering despite the stripes and much more stylish than board shorts and tankini

On the shorts front, I rediscovered these last year after having my v veins zapped. I got a couple of pairs from Gap which are lovely. You could probably pick up a decent shirt from there too. Which is what I did last year. I think it looked fine and v comfortable too. But now I am questioning my taste as there is little love for shorts here

Eyebrow shape is a definite and fake tan for the shorts!

Good luck!

[travailtotravel]

Seriously, if you're doing the hiking thing/tree thing do you have to wear shorts - a pair of Craghoppers would suit the task much better. You're not going to win fashion contests but they're pretty practical, and look smart enough. You can then do the glam transition during the evening with maxi dress and the like.

Where are you going?