utterly miserable

[E1]

I live with my partner who has three daughters aged 11, 13 and 21. His divorce is not yet finalised but the decree nisi is through. He has loads and loads and loads of money which is constantly lavished on the children and also used by his wife, but when it comes to me I am always told that whilst he would like to get me something nice he can't spend the money as it will annoy his wife. I gave up my job, in part through depression and in part at his encouragement, and am now living on my savings so money is very tight. I am so fed up of having no new clothes or even a bloody cream egg at easter whilst the children get everything, and by that I mean 21st birthday parties costing seven figures. He spends all the time saying that I have to work to get the children to accept me and yet they are the most spoilt, lavished, lazy, ungrateful children I have EVER encountered. When I have them in the house for weekends I spend the entire time cooking and cleaning up after them - I would like to leave the mess but I have a puppy who picks things up all the time and last time I decided to leave things he ended up with a stomach blockage which I had to pay to get sorted out. Just so utterly miserable. I feel like a member of staff. I just wish that sometimes I would get a bunch of flowers or a packet of cigarettes or just some help paying my bills rather than to be constantly told that it will annoy the ex wife if she sees transactions that are for me on the bank account. Money is not an issue here - he is a millionaire many times over. And I am not a greedy person, but I feel so utterly unappreciated and miserable and am too scared to leave as I have nowhere to go. My divorce is in the process of being finalised and I have no money at all of any significance until that has happened. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

[Portofino]

Um why should his wife still see transactions if they are not living together. What has it got to do with her? Can you look for another job?

[drlove8]

, what is the fear of his wife for? he's already pissed her off by leaving/splitting up with her.Why did you give up your job? did he imply that he'd help you out ? or did you assume beause he's loaded he would?(im not saying its not a reasonable thing to think)think you really need to get yourself another job, even part time , just so you can "prove" you pay your own way.tbh more for yourself than anyone, but would shut the soon to be ex-w up at least .....im tbh that he cares what would annoy his ex so doesnt treat you a all. ffs easter eggs are only a couple of quid

[ElenorRigby]

Feeling/being unimportant as a step parent comes with the territory I'm afraid. You have to learn to let it wash over you.
I'm feeling mildly pissed off today because DSD has a play on this evening. DP, his ex and DSD's grandparents will be there. I asked DP to take our DD (20 months) as I felt DSD would have loved to have seen her sister there. DP said he didnt want to take her as he would be filming using a camcorder. I have a nagging feeling he didn't want DD there so as not to rock the boat with the ex and the ex's parents.
Ah well...
I'm not greatly upset or anything, it goes with the territory, you have to let it go.

[sunshineisout]

I agree that if you can you should you try and get a part time job at least for your own sense of idependence. I understand him needing to be careful with large sums of money until the divorce is complete (could the ex have a claim to some of it whike still married?) however smaller amounts shouldnt be an issue, and surely not an easter Egg!!! Does he show his appreciation in other ways?

have you talked to dp and dsc about the mess and how your feeling ?

[ElenorRigby]

E1 why are you cooking/cleaning etc...thats a different issue altogether. There is no way you should be a skivvy for his kids. If he's so rich get the tight wad to hire a cleaner if he's too bone idle to do it himself.

[ElenorRigby]

It is definitely worrying that he encouraged you to give up your job...

[Haribosmummy]

I agree with Mrs Jammi - this relationship doesn't sound at all healthy.

Why should he expect you to cook and clean for his kids? Does he not have cleaners????

I do agree with ER too - a step parent can be quite a lonely place at times and you are expected to act like a parent but not expect to be treated like one (though at times, I am sure that is beneficial!!)...

[FfreckleFface]

Seven figures?

He spent A MILLION pounds on a brthday party, but didn't buy you an Easter egg?

This sounds absolutely terrible to me, and I think you need to sit down with him and discuss finances thoroughly. Does he know how wretched this is making you feel?

[E1]

hi - we didn't have an affair. We were both separated when we met, not that it makes much difference. And we do have a cleaner in the week but not at the weekends when I end up with the kids and they are utterly squalid and he allows it. When they are with the mother they have live in staff etc.
I feel like a member of staff or a child looking in at everyone in a sweet shop but not able to afford anything for me and he really encouraged me to get my dog but now I feel stuck as I cannot work full time with this type of breed as it is very energetic but I feel it is the only thing i now have and would hate to let him go. My husband is dragging out our divorce (he was having an affair with the woman he is now living with) and I am so scared and lonely and unhappy.

[E1]

i meant a six figure amount on the 21st....

[Haribosmummy]

Thankyou to FfreckleFface for asking what I was thinking!!!!

But, even £100K - if you can spend that on a party, you can lose a fiver on an Easter egg or even a couple of hundred quid on a nice braclet or handbag...

Problem is, you ARE a member of staff - that's how you are being treated and the only adult in the situation (your partner) is 'allowing' this to continue...

have you considered a dog walker? I used to use one with my dog (chocolate labrador) when I worked full time (He started there at 16 weeks)

I honestly think you would feel better (and probably less alone!) ON YOUR OWN!!

Agree with MrsJammi - post in relationships as this really isn't just a step-issue! (but you are always welcome here too!)

[VictoriaGM]

Hello E1
A few questions first - How long have you both been seperated from your ex partners? How long have the two of you been together as a couple and how long have you lived together for?

Life seems pretty unhappy for you at the moment but to make yourself feel better you need to do a few things for yourself - If you want to go back to work - go (stuff him) you need to do things to boost your self-esteem so it brings back your confidence - like not been walked all over by your partner or his children.

[piscesmoon]

I think you should leave him to get on with it-you would be much better off on your own. You may not meet anyone with as much money, but you should meet someone who would appreciate and want to spoil you.

[2rebecca]

Agree the boyfriend (it doesn't sound much of a partnership) is the problem here. My ex hasn't seen my finances since we separated, at 21 at least 1 of his offspring is an adult not a child.
You need to decide what you want from the relationship, I wonder if a bit of financial independence would be good for you, you sound financially and emotionally dependant on this bloke who doesn't sound as though he values you much.
If he has that much money there should be enough for all of you, if there isn't I'd get out. Rediscover your financial independance and self respect. He should have more consideration for you than his exwife.

[catsmother]

If he encouraged you to give up your job then presumably he must have reassured you that together you would manage financially.

The fact he's now effectively using this as a stick to beat you with is disengenuous and actually rather cruel. Similarly, to urge you to take on the responsibility of a time consuming dog is irresponsible and unfair. I have the feeling that if he can spend at least £100k (FFS) on kids' parties, yet can't spend a fiver or so on an egg, that even if you did return to work, it would never be enough for you to be seen as, and therefore treated as, an equal in his eyes.

What the hell his ex wife has to do with "approving" his transactions god only knows. Either that's a (stupid) excuse, or, if true, an extremely unhealthy state of affairs indicating that either he's not let go of her properly, and/or he is scared to draw up appropriate boundaries now they are apart, which is sounding great big alarm bells for the future.

I too would feel like a skivvy in your shoes. From speaking to a lot of 2nd wives and partners, I am convinced that there is a breed of newly separated man who can't exist wwithout a woman - even though they aren't anywhere near ready enough emotionally for another relationship. Instead, the poor woman concerned fulfills his basic needs and, perhaps worse than that, is very often used as a cleaner and nanny, taking on the lion's share of the housework and childcare.

I don't know if this is the case with you ...... after all, with no money worries whatsoever, you'd have thought that "staff" could easily be bought in, yet the fact remains that you are being treated dreadfully disrespectfully. I'm sure you don't expect anything like £100k lavished upon you, but when he's spending that much (several times over) on his nearest and dearest - but zilch on you - then you're obviously going to wonder if you're regarded as "nearest and dearest" at all.

I'd be thinking long and hard about what you get out of this relationship.

[nkf]

Get a job. Then you would be able to buy yourself some things.

If he's a millionaire, he can afford a cleaner and to take his kids out for meals at the weekend.

Down tools unless you are being paid. A job's the way to go.

[hayley79]

what do you mean the chidren get everything and you get nothing???? they are his kids

[hayley79]

just finshed the rest of your post about the tight fisted git leave him

[ruddynorah]

i really don't understand how this would happen. what bills do you think he should paying for you? are you living in his house? so aren't the bills his anyway? and you just kind of live there? am i missing something?

how would you get into a position where you're cleaning up after his children? how did that start? why does he not have a weekend cleaner?

[prettyfly1]

Without being harsh, what exactly are you afraid of. You are already lonely, treated badly and taken for granted. You have no freedom and live in a gilded prison- how much worse could a somewhat poorer freedom be?? Leave. It will only get a lot worse.

[hotwheels]

What a wierdo, if he doesnt employ a cleaner/cook he should pay you and then you should take the money and go and find another boyfirend