SDs constant requests and focus for gifts/money.

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

So for background been with DP for 3 years living together since September 2023. Both mid 40s I have DS 21 & DD 18 both live independently. DP has DD 14 (shes an only child), 15 in August who is with us 50-50.

SD is a very sweet natured, funny, great at school and we get on really well. I don't parent her but I do care for her when she's with us for example I do half the cooking, if I do laundry it's everyone's & I offer her support/advice if she asks or needs it. I mostly enjoy the time she is with us.

There is just one aspect of her personality I am struggling with and it's her constant requests and focus on gifts/money.

Some examples:
With us Christmas morning received plenty of gifts from us, then spent 2 days with mum so more gifts. Came to us 3 days after Christmas & presented DP with her birthday list, about 9 gifts. Spent 2 hours discussing all of the gifts she wants on the list cheapest being £25.
DPs parents came for New Year, first visit in 9 months SD saw them get out the car & her first comment was "they have a big gift bag it must be all for me". They had barely taken their coats off & she was asking for the gifts.

If we decide to have a take away or meal out SD will insist on choosing the most expensive items on the menu despite cheaper options she likes being available. There are many other examples but every week it's the same thing either requests for money or expensive gifts. SD talks constantly about her next birthday, Christmas any opportunities in the year which may result in gifts/money & constantly showing us various expensive items she likes/wants.

Up to now I have just ignored this behaviour & busied myself away from these conversations but recently I have been unknowingly eyerolling which DP has noticed. He's asked me about it & I have just brushed it off as nothing because he is very defensive of SD & I don't want to have a conversation which will lead to an argument.
Recently it's getting harder & harder to ignore & it's starting to change how I view SD, which I don't want as I genuinely like her and care about her.

I am not sure if SD sees gifts/money as a sign of love hence her constant need for it or she is just very materialistic.? DP does treat her but not excessively so, so he doesn't "spoil" her & her mum is not in a financial position to spoil her so it's not like she is used to receiving gifts/money on demand.

Not sure what I want from this thread tbh I just feel better for saying it out loud as I haven't spoken to anyone about this. My apologies for the length if you got through it thank you!

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

Your DH needs to manage this behaviour, grabby kids are horrible ( step or not) I wouldn’t tolerate this. My step kids ask for money etc all the time , my DH just tells them no. I’d have been so embarrassed but the behaviour with the grandparents, it’s not like she is 5 or 6! Needs sorting!

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

Thank you for reading that mammoth post YouCan 😁

DP does say no to the majority of the requests like yesterday SD asked for a £50 gift for receiving a class achievement award at school & he said no, well done to the award but still no. This then caused a hour long back & forth while SD tried to bargin her way in to getting some sort of gift/money.

I was embarrassed & apologised to his mum later on (I know I didn't need to but I couldn't not say sorry) she said "it's fine we know what she's like it's always the same".

[SheilaFentiman]

If your DP says no in the moment (good), has he ever had a chat with her about how it will always be no to that sort of thing and about how she is coming across eg rude to her grandparents?

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

No he's never talked to her about it. I think he just sees it as her being cheeky/cute & because he mostly says no thinks that's enough.

I also see it as grabby which I don't think is a nice personality traite & I do worry that as she gets older people are not going to like her because of it which upsets me as she is lovely in so many ways.
DPs sister loves SD but has said to me after catching my eyeroll once that when she's behaving in a needy/grabby way she doesn't like being around her. She used to spend a fair bit of time with SD but admits after a full day out treating her SD still requested more so those trips out have tailed off over the last few years.

[SheilaFentiman]

Has DP’s sis and parents told DP how they feel? In particular, the trips tailing off is a consequence that goes way beyond cute/cheeky

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

No they haven't, it seems as it is just accepted behaviour & as I say DP does become very defensive if anyone speaks negatively about DSD.
He hasn't noticed the trips stopping with his DSIS as it coincided with her having her first child.

[Rollinroller]

It certainly comes across as grabby but I think you are right that for her it is a sign of affection and love. My SD is like this and I used to find it irritating but really for a big part of her life her dad’s contribution to parenting has been around material things - taking her out for treats, buying the extras, paying for bigger items. My personal feeling is that her mum has reinforced a bit because she always encourages SD to ask DP when she wants things, but at the same time he’s always been happy to do it. He’s a high earner and I’m sure guilt plays a big part of it. All of this to say that I really feel differently about SDs perceived “grabbiness” as a result. Ok, it’s not a great quality and it might cause her issues in the future, but in the nicest possible way, that isn’t my problem or rather my responsibility.

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

Thank you for replying.

DP is very much involved in DSD parenting he was her main carer before the separation and as its 50-50 I dont think he feels guilty.

I do know that her mum does encourage DSD to ask her father for the more expensive items at Christmas & birthday and he does buy them as he understands the financial disparity.

I just don't want others to see her as this grabby spoiled child when I know there is much more positive things about her but I also find this behaviour very irritating/annoying and off putting. I suppose I will just have to accept its part of who she is I just wish it wasn't.

[crumblingschools]

Does she earn pocket money? Can you encourage her to save up for some items?

[BeMyGuest24]

Does she actually enjoy and appreciate all the stuff? Does she get use out of it? I am wondering because one of my dc always wants something in the moment and she can’t stop spending money but it’s more about the high of getting something as the next day it is discarded/lost/broken/not looked after and never seen again.

Or does she have expensive taste and like designer brands as I know some young people like that too. It’s all about more and more stuff or the latest thing.

[forrestgreen]

She's old enough to understand a budget. Get Dh to tell what her budget is for her birthday and encourage gp to do the same.

[Tomselleckhaskindeyes]

How old is she?

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

BeMy

I think it's a bit of both. She believes she deserves to have expensive things. As I said she will always choose the expensive options even if she likes the cheaper ones. She believes the smallest "good thing" deserve an expensive treat.

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes

How old is she?

14, 15 in August.

[PossumintheHouse]

Where has this behaviour come from? Did her parents indulge her in the past? You say you think her mum encourages her to ask for the expensive gifts. What evidence do you have for that? And, if there's any truth to it, is her mum reinforcing the love = gifts and money message?
If her behaviour is as materialistic as you describe, something needs to change. If it continues on to her romantic relationships, she's in for a rude awakening.

[LittleWeed2]

I don’t know - at that age there is possibly a bit of showing off to friends and who doesn’t want the best -as a teen I was g r e e n with envy of a wealthy classmate who had lovely clothes bought for her. I ‘d let it go but perhaps suggest DH gives money then she’d have to save up for the best.

[VerityUnreasonble]

Does she get pocket money? Or have a way to earn money through helping out with chores etc?

At 14 her only real way to get things she wants is to ask other people. Not like she can get a job or pick up an extra shift / do some overtime. And there are probably lots of things she wants, probably partly to fit in, maybe she is a bit materialistic (but so are lots of adults - not necessary to a degree that makes it a negative trait).

Setting budgets, letting her have some control, helping her learn the value of money are all important skills.

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

@PossumintheHouse

Where has this behaviour come from? Did her parents indulge her in the past? You say you think her mum encourages her to ask for the expensive gifts. What evidence do you have for that? And, if there's any truth to it, is her mum reinforcing the love = gifts and money message?
If her behaviour is as materialistic as you describe, something needs to change. If it continues on to her romantic relationships, she's in for a rude awakening.

As an only child yes I do think she was very much indulged when her parents were together.

We know her mum encourages it as she has told us as in " I asked mum for xyz for Christmas but she said to ask you as they are expensive".

I think it's both her being materialistic and thinking gifts = love.

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

@VerityUnreasonble

Does she get pocket money? Or have a way to earn money through helping out with chores etc?

At 14 her only real way to get things she wants is to ask other people. Not like she can get a job or pick up an extra shift / do some overtime. And there are probably lots of things she wants, probably partly to fit in, maybe she is a bit materialistic (but so are lots of adults - not necessary to a degree that makes it a negative trait).

Setting budgets, letting her have some control, helping her learn the value of money are all important skills.

DP puts £20 per week in her account for pocket money. She wants her gifts bought for her rather than use her own money.

The chores thing is a no go DSD doesn't do anything and would flat out refuse to do chores for mo ey but that's a whe other thread!

[VerityUnreasonble]

@MaterialGirlAllDay

DP puts £20 per week in her account for pocket money. She wants her gifts bought for her rather than use her own money.

The chores thing is a no go DSD doesn't do anything and would flat out refuse to do chores for mo ey but that's a whe other thread!

Ah she needs to learn to spend her money on the things she wants!

I know you said the chores thing is a whole other thread but it does speak to a bit of a "princessy" attitude (which I don't think is that unusual in that age group at times).

It's difficult because it's a conversation your DH needs to have with her about the importance of learning to budget and taking responsibility. I'd probably not mention the take-away order stuff but maybe he could ask what she wanted £50 and suggest she saved up for it?

[Whatifthehokeycokey]

Do you think her Dad has overcompensated for his absence/ the divorce by buying her things? And now she's used to it? Or he used it as a way of showing her he cared about her and now that's how she feels cared for?

[MeridianB]

This would definitely bug me. It’s super cringy that she’s grabby with her grandparents and aunt, too. Is your DH not embarrassed by this? Does he not correct her? He’s doing her no favours.

Is there any way you can approach this with him as setting his DD up for success - saving, earning through chores or a Saturday job, appreciating the value of something?

I wonder if she’s getting materialistic ideas from teen movies and social media or friends at school. It’s definitely an age where they seem to want more ‘stuff’. That in itself isn’t a huge issue but your DH’s limp boundaries are. Does he spend 1:1 time with her doing things that don’t cost money?

[NotARealWookiie]

Teens are often materialistic but what you have described is bad manners! Even my 5 year old has been trained not to ask for presents when relatives visit at birthday/Christmas. Doesn’t your DH know this?

I don’t have teens but £20 per week pocket money seems high? Unless living in London where teens need money for the tube etc…

[Motheranddaughter]

I wonder if it’s about her feelings of security,a sort of ‘ if Dad loves me enough he will buy me x’
She is at an awkward age and will be sad her parents split up
From your perspective ai would just ignore it

Your DC seem very young to be living independently so perhaps your view is skewed

[MaterialGirlAllDay]

@Motheranddaughter

I wonder if it’s about her feelings of security,a sort of ‘ if Dad loves me enough he will buy me x’
She is at an awkward age and will be sad her parents split up
From your perspective ai would just ignore it

Your DC seem very young to be living independently so perhaps your view is skewed

He is a very loving father and was the main carer since she was 6 months old. He doesn't shower her with gifts in order to show affection.

My DD is at Uni and DS lives with his GF I don't think they are too young at all to live independently. That's a very odd thing to say and the fact they do live independently has no bearing on DSDs behaviour regarding gifts.