New to this - advice needed (teen SKs)

[secondtimelucky17]

Hi,

I am looking for advice. Background info… I (f36) do not have my own kids but hope to eventually. My partner (m39) and I just moved in together, they have moved in with me. He has 2 teenagers (m19 and f17)
The move was staggered with his son being the last to move in just 3 weeks ago.
My partner and his ex still maintain 50/50.

I have no issues with his kids, we get on really well and apart from a few small gripes

The challenge is that both SKs are used to having their gf and bf come over and stay occasionally each week. I do not have an issue with this as such but I have become aware that when this happens I feel completely overwhelmed and uncomfortable in my own home.

Following my divorce ive had a 3 bed house to myself, with one room as my office as I wfh full time. I now work in the dining room.

SS said his gf was coming over on Tuesday afternoon to study and have dinner. I went to bed early as wasn’t feeling great. SS asked his dad if she could stay and they would be away mid morning as she has uni. DP came to bed and told me after he had spoken with his son and asked me if it’s ok. ’. He said they would be away by 11am. These situations make me uncomfortable because what am I meant to say?

The next day they did stay in his room apart from going to the kitchen to make food but they didn’t leave until about 5pm.

I know I might be unreasonable with this but I am ultra aware of people being in the house and I feel like I am tip toeing about. I’ve obviously met his gf a few times, but she is still a stranger to me so having her here for over 24 hours made me feel really awkward.

Both SKs are back with us for the weekend and DP informed me that SD’s bf would be coming round and SS’s gf probably would too. I couldn’t fake it and I did say it makes me uncomfortable and like an outsider. That going from just me to 4 people is hard but with their bf / gf is just really overwhelming for me. I told DP that’s their gf / bf can come as me telling him how I feel wasn’t me saying no. I just need him to know how it makes me feel and this is going to take time for me to adjust. Maybe I was in the wrong for communicating this to DP!

He says he understands but kept flipping it to how they feel and how they have given up everything. I know they have given up a lot but I feel I have too and I don’t think asking for time for me to get used to things is too much. Is it?
DP said they have been here for a while now. it’s maybe been 6 weeks since DP and SD moved in and 3 weeks since SS moved in. I don’t think this is a long time!

Anyway, We got into it quite bad and there is still tension this morning. He said he is going to tell them not to bring their gf / bf tonight but I feel this is going to make me the monster. I actually feel like I can’t win.

Sorry…that was a bit of a long rant.
Does anyone have any advice? I am aware I might be the one being unreasonable but I also can’t help how I feel.

Do I just need to suck this up and deal with the discomfort? Or am I right to speak up and try to find a way to make this less uncomfortable?

I believe in open communication but do I need to rein it in and keep these feelings to myself?

[vidflex]

Are you close enough to your step kids to talk to them about it. Just explain how you're feeling and that you need more time to get to know their bf/gf and to feel comfortable with things. I bet they'd be a lot more understanding than you think. The trouble with getting their dad to do this is they will feel like they are being complained about x

[Floofydawg]

I understand how you feel - if they moved in with you it must feel like they're taking over your house. I'd be trying to limit the gf & bf visits, otherwise the SKs will get too comfortable and never move out. I also think that maintaining 50/50 at those ages is bonkers.

[Illpickthatup]

You have every right to speak up. 6 weeks is absolutely nothing and your DP needs to be more understanding. I went from being single, no kids living in a 3 bed house with a dressing room and office to myself. It's a big change. I used to hate living alone and I come from a big family so I actually really loved all the hustle and bustle in the house. But it was still a huge change. DH and I bought a bigger house together so when we moved in it felt like we all moved in together rather than them moving into my space.

What was your DPs living situation previously? Is there a reason they moved in with you? Would buying a place together be an option? Are the SKs contributing to the household? What exactly have they given up by moving in with you?

[secondtimelucky17]

@vidflex I think we are close enough for me to have this chat with them. I just don't want to mess anything up. I might give it a go this weekend though as I agree it going through DP is like I'm just complaining. This is part of the reason I don't want him to tell them no about this weekend

[secondtimelucky17]

@Floofydawg this is exactly how it feels. I don't agree with the 50/50 but for reasons I won't disclose if it was to move to them being at one house it would be ours and I hate to admit but I'm not sure I'm ready for us having them 100%

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

It’s utter madness they still have 50/50 and you can absolutely say no to overnight visitors especially when you are working. Stand firm. Everyone needs a home but you aren’t the only one that has to flex, THEY are old enough to flex too.

[BarrelOfOtters]

I’m not entirely sure this will work for you. It’s like joining a student house share in your 30s. Can’t you wait to live together till kids are older? This won’t get easier….

[Fireyflies]

I have DSC as well as own DC and do understand how you feel about having their BF/GFs around - it can make you feel a bit awkward in your own house - I find it especially if I bump into them going to bed or early morning in my PJs. And if you're only just getting used to having them around themselves, that must be quite a shock.

But I don't think you can have teenage DSC move in with you can expect them to suddenly stop seeing their partners. That's going to cause a huge amount of resentment. You're correct that expecting them to "ask" first is fine but the unwritten deal is that you can't really say no. It's their home so naturally they want to invite friends and BF/GF round. Letting you know first is really as much of courtesy as you can expect.

Instead can you find ways to become more comfortable round them? Invite the BF/GF round for dinner? Making your bedroom somewhere nice to hang out of you need privacy might help too (eg put a TV in there) Working from home from the dining room sounds a nightmare to me in a house with 4 people in it - everyone's going to have to be tiptoeing around you. I think you probably need to rethink that and either start going into the office, relocate your desk to your bedroom, get a garden office or move somewhere bigger.
But yes, ultimately I think you do need to recognise that it's huge change for you, used to a house to yourself and that's going to be hard. I'd explain that to the DSC but also recognise that you do respect their needs to have friends or partners round to their new home and will try hard to get used to the different feel of the house.

[secondtimelucky17]

@Illpickthatup DP was in council house following a messy divorce. I own my home (well mortgaged) but not enough to get a buy to let mortgage in this climate. My house is also slightly bigger and more comfortable.

The reason it got so heated last night is because I said that I understand they have gave up the house and the safety net, but other than that their lives are pretty much unchanged. The SKs routines are the same the both have their own rooms so the same space they were used to albeit in a different house. My life has completely changed. He says he understands but I don't think he does

[isthewashingdryyet]

Hind sight is amazing, but you should have carried on living seperate lives in separate houses and just dating until his kids were grown adults and had left home.
you sound very much like an introvert who has only just realised that alone time and a calm quiet home is vital to your well being.

can he afford to move to private rented ?

[secondtimelucky17]

@Youcannotbeseriousreally this is exactly how I feel. They aren't kids anymore, so it needs to be give and take

@BarrelOfOtters I actually used student accommodation as an example when talking with DP last night. This is how it feels

[Fireyflies]

Ours came every weekend (which is roughly 50-50 in terms of waking hours in the house) right through until they left home. I fully know why posters above are claiming it's ridiculous. If it's worked for your DP and DSC and their mum so far, then it obviously shouldn't be changing right now. And yes, if you're finding it hard, moving to 100% won't help you either.

[ClutchingOurBananas]

Are you sure this is the relationship for you? I agree that it must feel like you’ve turned your house into a student house share.

It’s not a good sign that he’s not considering how you feel - and is dismissing you/re-focusing only on how his kids and their GF/BFs(!) feel.

Why not wait until his kids have left home to move in together?

Also, you say you’re 36 and hope to have your own children. Is that really going to happen with this man? He’s got an adult child and a nearly adult child - does he want to start again with parenting?

[secondtimelucky17]

@Fireyflies I absolutely agree with the awkwardness of bumping into them in pjs etc. I know it will take time.

I totally get that saying no isn't really an option and I have never said no when DP lets me know the plans and I didn't last night. I told him how I feel but also said that me communicating this wasn't me saying no.

The working from the dining room isn't a long term plan. We are actively searching for a garden room but trying not to rush the purchase as so many mixed reviews about some companies.

I think the no overnight stays week days when I am working is a good compromise

[waterlellon]

You need to come up with some rules eg. Just one night of the weekend for staying over.

[Berthatydfil]

You have given up your space your office and what has he got out of it?

A bigger more comfortable home with the expectation that his and his kid’s lives are unchanged. No wonder he doesn't want to address it.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you should have never moved him in with you and waited until the children are older/moved out. Now any attempt to get him out will be met with the fact he gave up a council house “for you” and where does he go what does he do now.

[ClutchingOurBananas]

A 50-50 contact schedule for an actual adult man (the 19 year old SS is an adult man) is really not desirable (for anyone involved).

Just because other people infantilise their adult children by maintaining contact arrangements from childhood, it doesn’t make it not weird.

Even more so if the adult child wants to treat it as if it’s a student houseshare where he can just have his GF round wherever etc. Even more so when the house in question is dad’s partner’s house that he’s recently moved in to.

In this case, it sounds like the alternative would be adult son living with his dad (presumably because dad lets him treat the place as if it’s a flat share). But that’s not reasonable given this particular father has just moved in to his GF’s house.

It’s only been 6 weeks @secondtimelucky17. It is OK to say to your partner that this living arrangement simply will not work for you.

[ClutchingOurBananas]

@secondtimelucky17 Saying NO is an option for you.

This is your house and your life. You are allowed to tell your partner that this does not work for you.

[ClutchingOurBananas]

@secondtimelucky17

@Illpickthatup DP was in council house following a messy divorce. I own my home (well mortgaged) but not enough to get a buy to let mortgage in this climate. My house is also slightly bigger and more comfortable.

The reason it got so heated last night is because I said that I understand they have gave up the house and the safety net, but other than that their lives are pretty much unchanged. The SKs routines are the same the both have their own rooms so the same space they were used to albeit in a different house. My life has completely changed. He says he understands but I don't think he does

His choice to give up his council house is not your problem. You didn’t coerce him into it.

He still needs to accept that he and his children will need to make changes because he’s chosen to move in to your house.

[Scaffoldingisugly]

Great one is an adult... So chores going at least 3 ways then?

[ClutchingOurBananas]

Why on earth did you agree to him basically taking over your house like this?

If you’ve given up your office, where are you working now?

This sounds unbearable, honestly.

[crumblingschools]

I like how everyone assumed the mum should take on the load of having the DC all the time now they are older and should stop doing 50:50.

[secondtimelucky17]

@ClutchingOurBananas I have tried to as nicely as possible say that compromises are need from everyone when merging households. The compromises can't all be on me so the asks can do what they want as they always have. Yes they might be happy in that situation but I won't be

[Fireyflies]

@crumblingschools

I like how everyone assumed the mum should take on the load of having the DC all the time now they are older and should stop doing 50:50.

Indeed. Especially as the OP has stated clearly that if it wasn't 50-50 the likely option would be the DSC with her and their dad full time.
Some people struggle to see fathers as equal parents

[Fireyflies]

I do think it's you (and your DP) who will need to do most of the compromising. Because you're the ones who chose to move in together and are presumably getting some upside from it all (being together, saving costs). The DSC didn't choose the change, and aren't really gaining anything from it, so it's fair enough to try to minimise the impact on their lives. That said, I do agree that they're old enough to show some empathy for how you feel getting used to the change, if you make it clear it's your problem not theirs.