'Babysitting' Stepchild

[fragglerockless]

Interested in opinions

I have a stepchild. We have a great relationship and they are a good kid. We have them 50/50 although often it's more like 60/40 in our favour.

I have children (teenagers and tweens) who see their own father sporadically, so I have children in my house every day with no child-free time.

My husband and I have a great parenting set-up, we are on the same wavelength in terms of expectations and boundaries and work together well as a team. If he has to be away with work or hobbies during them time when stepchild is with us I have no issue whatsoever with keeping to the arranged schedule and I look after stepchild and my children. Husband would do the same for me if I was out for the evening or away with work.

What is beginning to be a sticking point with me is stepchild's mum has no other children so has at least 50% of her time totally childfree. She does however regularly arrange social things on what are 'her' days and just expects us to cover. Stepchild will just turn up usually and say 'by the way i'm staying until XXX.' Again, fine it is his house and he is welcome.

However, occasionally on those days that are not 'our days' my husband happens to be away with work and to be brutally honest I really don't see why I should have to look after an extra child and be the free babysitter for step-child's mum, especially when she gets plenty of alone time and could/should organise her social life around that or at the very least organise her own childcare.

Unfortunately, the narrative given to stepchild by their mum is that I don't want them there even though I'm sat in the house seemly doing nothing, conveniently glossing over the fact that neither does she as it's her day/weekend to have them.

My question is, in my circumstances should I be happily looking after stepchild, even on not our days/weekends when their actual parent isn't even here. Genuinely interested in some views from outside our household.

[thestepmumspacepodcast]

Hello :)

How old is stepchild?

[fragglerockless]

Stepchild is 12.

[Aquamarine1029]

My question is, in my circumstances should I be happily looking after stepchild, even on not our days/weekends when their actual parent isn't even here.

Fuck NO and it's high time you put your foot down. Your husband and his ex are massively taking the piss, and you're being a doormat.

[Chocolatebuttonns]

Nope nope and more nope. The ex is taking the piss out of you. You husband needs to put his foot down.

[Chocolatebuttonns]

Or I would add up all the extra days you have the child above 50/50 and I would ask her when she intends to start paying you maintenance.

[NarnianQueen]

Can you not have plans that can't be broken, on days when dsc's mum wants to dump them on you?

[Justanything86]

Of course you aren't being unreasonable op.

This is mumsnet though so you'll get some nutcase along in a minute saying you should willing be an unpaid slave or make some sort of comment about how you 'clearly resent the poor child'.

[fragglerockless]

Just to clarify, husband is supportive of me saying no and is happy to communicate that. He is just understandably sad and frustrated about narrative given to stepchild.

Stepchild's mum firmly sees herself as the 'main' parent and sadly stepchild through chasing her absence and lack of keeping to the schedule hangs off her every word and I'm sure merrily throws us under the bus if they thought it would make mum happy to hear, so will be fully believing that I just don't want them there rather than trying to assert that mum's day means mum's responsibility.

[Marblessolveeverything]

Nope, but on the plus side you can speak appropriately to them. And can they come and stay independently for a period of time?

I would expect my child to come and go by that age. With just the overnights being set.

[Illpickthatup]

The mum is taking the absolute piss and your OH is allowing her to. Your OH needs to contact his ex and tell her that he will require some notice if she needs childcare on her time and not to assume that childcare will be provided.

The audacity of just turning up and dumping the kid on your door! Is she paying maintenance? If not I'd contact CMS as you should be receiving maintenance if you have the kid more than 50% because she keeps dropping them off on her days. Maybe that would make her reconsider. I'd also do an application for child benefit if you're not already receiving that. Generally the only thing selfish people like this respond to is money.

[Shinyandnew1]

You are not being unreasonable-she sounds like a bit of a cow.

How is she asking for these extra ‘babysitting’ slots, @fragglerockless ?

[Illpickthatup]

@fragglerockless

Just to clarify, husband is supportive of me saying no and is happy to communicate that. He is just understandably sad and frustrated about narrative given to stepchild.

Stepchild's mum firmly sees herself as the 'main' parent and sadly stepchild through chasing her absence and lack of keeping to the schedule hangs off her every word and I'm sure merrily throws us under the bus if they thought it would make mum happy to hear, so will be fully believing that I just don't want them there rather than trying to assert that mum's day means mum's responsibility.

Na, kids aren't that daft. He'll definitely have figured his mum out by now. He'll see all the time and effort you spend on him on your time and know that you care about him. He knows his own contact schedule and it will be clear to him that it is in fact mum who is always ditching him on her time.

The fact that she does drop days so often will make him crave her time and attention even more but that doesn't mean he can't see exactly what his mum is like. She can refer to herself as the main parent all she wants it doesn't make it true. Actions speak louder than words.

[arethereanyleftatall]

So, are these overnights? If they're not, why does a 12 year old even need babysitting?

[Chocolatebuttonns]

@Illpickthatup

Na, kids aren't that daft. He'll definitely have figured his mum out by now. He'll see all the time and effort you spend on him on your time and know that you care about him. He knows his own contact schedule and it will be clear to him that it is in fact mum who is always ditching him on her time.

The fact that she does drop days so often will make him crave her time and attention even more but that doesn't mean he can't see exactly what his mum is like. She can refer to herself as the main parent all she wants it doesn't make it true. Actions speak louder than words.

Ime this isn't true. Dss mum has treated him like absolute shite over the years. Kicked him out several times etc. he would still side with her every single time. Misplaced loyalty. But she's super manipulative and he believes her shit hook line and sinker. They don't always see through it.

[fragglerockless]

Our contact with stepchild always includes overnights whether that is in the usual 50/50 schedule or the ad-hoc extras.

Thank you for all taking the time to give your opinions.

[Beamur]

Contact time is for the child to spend with the parent. Not to give the other parent a break.
It's discourteous to just expect you to look after this child without being asked first.
Mums narrative needs to be disregarded. DH can surely tell his DS that you all love him, but visits during Mum's contact time when he is away, needs to be checked with you first.

[MeMyCatsAndMyBooks]

I'd put a claim in for CSA, would make her think twice then.

YANBU though she's being a cf. he's their child not yours.

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

@Aquamarine1029

My question is, in my circumstances should I be happily looking after stepchild, even on not our days/weekends when their actual parent isn't even here.

Fuck NO and it's high time you put your foot down. Your husband and his ex are massively taking the piss, and you're being a doormat.

Yep. This.

[Riverlee]

This is one of the situation where you can’t win.

Stick to your guns, and you’re the baddy because it appears you don’t want your step child.

If you comply, then mum has won because she’s dictating what’s happening.

[catherinewales]

If I had kids at home already I wouldn't mind at all. Although she is taking the pi**. If my children wasn't home, I'd be saying sorry I have plans. I'll have to take you home to your mums house.

[Illpickthatup]

@Chocolatebuttonns

Ime this isn't true. Dss mum has treated him like absolute shite over the years. Kicked him out several times etc. he would still side with her every single time. Misplaced loyalty. But she's super manipulative and he believes her shit hook line and sinker. They don't always see through it.

What age is he? Just because he is loyal to her doesn't mean he doesn't know she's treating him badly.

My DSS finally saw his mum for who she really is last year when he was nearly 17. He said he always knew she was a bit mental but turned a blind eye to most of it.

[Reugny]

You need to send the child back to their mother's house, go out and be uncontactable by her, the child and any private numbers.

If the child has keys for your doors then your husband needs to take them off them.

Your husband also needs to tell his ex that unless he is at home their child cannot come over.

Basically your husband shouldn't be leaving it to you and should be laying down the law with his ex and his child. You don't have a relationship with his ex and you are not the child's parent.

If the child then decides they want to formally spend more time in your household, as you get on then simply agree to it.

[QueenOfTheLabyrinth]

Hang on a minute though, you say your kids only see their dad “sporadically” so by default, doesn’t that mean your DH has to spend more time parenting / being around your children?

You are complaining about stepsons mum not sticking to the schedule but it seems your kids don’t have a schedule with their dad at all.

You say your DH is only away “occasionally” with work when this happens so therefore you’re only “occasionally” parenting alone, aren’t you? As it’s not a regular occurrence, is it really that much of an issue? Especially as you also go away occasionally and your DH is more than happy to look after your kids alone. Would you be okay with DH saying sorry, I’m not watching your kids alone, they need to go to their dads?

It seems you’re annoyed that stepson is there more because of “the schedule” but your kids can be there as much as they want because there is no schedule with your ex and he gets a free pass.

I’d absolutely sympathise if your DH wasn’t pulling his weight with your kids and palming all childcare onto you but it seems that’s not the case and he’s an active parent with your children too.

[Chocolatebuttonns]

@Illpickthatup

What age is he? Just because he is loyal to her doesn't mean he doesn't know she's treating him badly.

My DSS finally saw his mum for who she really is last year when he was nearly 17. He said he always knew she was a bit mental but turned a blind eye to most of it.

Hes an adult now and still worships the ground she walks on. I'm sure deep down he knows she's not a very good mother but he would never admit that or show it in his behaviour.

[Chocolatebuttonns]

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth

Hang on a minute though, you say your kids only see their dad “sporadically” so by default, doesn’t that mean your DH has to spend more time parenting / being around your children?

You are complaining about stepsons mum not sticking to the schedule but it seems your kids don’t have a schedule with their dad at all.

You say your DH is only away “occasionally” with work when this happens so therefore you’re only “occasionally” parenting alone, aren’t you? As it’s not a regular occurrence, is it really that much of an issue? Especially as you also go away occasionally and your DH is more than happy to look after your kids alone. Would you be okay with DH saying sorry, I’m not watching your kids alone, they need to go to their dads?

It seems you’re annoyed that stepson is there more because of “the schedule” but your kids can be there as much as they want because there is no schedule with your ex and he gets a free pass.

I’d absolutely sympathise if your DH wasn’t pulling his weight with your kids and palming all childcare onto you but it seems that’s not the case and he’s an active parent with your children too.

Edited

She's not expecting her DH to look after them on his own. Big difference.

I bet if it was mum saying ex husband drops kids with me because he's out on his contact time there would be cries of "that's not fair" "make him pay more"

But the other way round oh not really an issue is it.

Do you not think she should be paying maintenance either then?