Stop my h seeing his daughter

[lovemylifq]

Hi just after advice my partner has a 5 year old who stays with us two nights a week now me and my partner have just had a new born now 4 weeks old I'm worried that sd will be due to come stay at ours as her mother hasn't been staying at home. What shall I do? I'm so worried I'm losing sleep. Do I say we cant Have ds until lockdown is over

[Scarycoaster]

This is quite shocking. Nowhere has OP stated she doesn't was SC there.

We are currently unable to see SC due to vulnerable elderly living with us. Decision made and agreed on both sides. I am also pregnant and have wondered the same myself.

Never has it crossed mind to do so just to cut the SC out. Far from. The reasoning has always been to focus on keeping EVERYONE as safe as possible during this god awful situation.

As other pps have said, on every other thread where the mother asks the same they are told to keep the children with them to avoid added risk.

The government advice is if there is no risk to children or vulnerable people then moving between households is fine, if parents so choose.

Questioning if a newborn would count as vulnerable during this when no decent amount of research has been carried out in that regard is understandable. Especially considering in normal circumstances HVs are advising no out of household interaction for 8 weeks for a newborn due to this virus.

It is understandable this would raise concerns. Same way as it has with me, same way as I'm not seeing family members I adore and see a few times a week in normal times, as does my dd.

Of course all children are her husbands. No question. And all completely equal in love and affection and their place in family life.

But asking a new mum, especially a first time one to not be worried during this time is a bit cruel. No one knows what is going on. No one knows the long term effects on newborns or pregnancy yet.

Relying on an outsider (the dhs ex) to follow social distancing to a degree you yourself feel emotionally safe with risking your newborn is a BIG ask of anyone. Just like most mums on here are saying they wouldn't trust their ex to follow the rules. And not being judged for it.

Just because they are children from a new wife, or just because the new wife is a stepmum doesn't make those concerns any less valid.

It is nothing to do with sc. At all. No attack on them, an attempt to kick them out. Its fear. Fear of the unknown. Something we are all feeling on different levels.

Now add something when you have NO control with how their time is spent a majority of the time. What risks that may bring those you love. She has already pointed out exW is a nhs worker, so likely has a lot of contact. The risk is real and understandable.

Give the stepmom a bloody break for once. Not everything is an attack on the sc.

[funinthesun19]

Governments guidelines clearly state contact between households should take place as normal

But just because the government say it should go ahead as normal, doesn’t mean it has to. Common sense needs to be used, especially if one household is especially vulnerable and/or one household isn’t following rules and/or one household has a key worker living it.

To be honest, I think allowing contact between households just contradicts all the rules that are currently in place regarding isolation and social distancing.

A non resident person isn’t allowed in your household, and I think this should extend to non resident children. Or else what’s the point in everything else put in place to try and get this virus under control? It’s bizarre.

[Scarycoaster]

Completely agree @funinthesun19

Of course both homes are the scs homes, but passing between two homes isn't wise in this climate. For anyone, let alone the eventual knock on effect.

There is a reason we aren't allowed to see our nearest and dearest. Because it runs a high risk of causing further problems for EVERYONE involved.

Nor do I think it's a fair argument that children can't go a period of time without seeing a parent. It is no different to many others having to sacrifice time with loved ones. Children missing out on incredibly close relationships with their grandparents (like my niece and nephew).

[funinthesun19]

Exactly! I have to say I was very when I saw that the government allowed this, when other family members are not allowed to see each other. It should be a consistent and blanket rule: no contact with non resident people.

[funinthesun19]

And that’s to protect everyone involved, plus everyone else on the planet too. It’s kind of important like that.

[Scarycoaster]

Exactly. I felt exactly the same. It makes no sense.

I had to hold my dd at a window while she broke her heart as she saw my sister, a women she sees three or four times a week in normal situations and is incredibly close to. From a distance now. As she dropped some food round.

Of course it isn't NICE, nor ideal. But it is needed. Selfishly I wanted to run and hug her myself, but it is for the best right now.

No one likes it. But the knock on effect on interacting when it isn't of dire need could be deadly to someone else along the chain.

The only time I can see why the line may become a bit more blurred is when you are in a 50/50 situation, as yes naturally that would affect the sc considerably more. But even then at that point, surely even for the sc the smartest move would be to pick one home for now and be thankfull we have modern technology to help keep communications freely open.

Otherwise what is the point in us all, children included missing out on important relationships face to face?

[ellabella18]

Why are stepmum's maternal instincts to protect their own children always irrelevant?! Why does the well-being of a child from a previous marriage always take presidency on Mumsnet? Op is a new mum who is worried about her brand new baby for heavens sake! It doesn't matter how much of a nice or decent person or how much she loves her dsc her instinct is to put her baby first!! No one would blame the disc's mother for putting her first! The same applies!

If the mother of the dsc is not on lockdown then that is her choice, if her daughter wants to see her father she needs to stay indoors! If the ex wife cannot stick to this then she is the one who is stopping her daughter from seeing her father no the op!

[Scarycoaster]

@ellabella18 agreed!

It annoys me so much how step mums are never allowed feelings or opinions. Never allowed to feel anything towards their own kids EVEN IF THE MOTHER WOULD FEEL THE SAME WITH HERS.

Or else she is the wicked witch of the west.

Thread upon thread of mums saying they aren't keeping contact to protect their kids. Thread after thread with people agreeing it is for the best.

Many of my friends and their exs have agreed the same for the same reasons.

Yet a stepmum voices concern over wanting to protect hers too, and she is as good as a wicked step mother.

This forum has always tended to sway towards hating on stepmum by default, no matter what you do.

But this virus that KILLS and we have all been put on lockdown to help manage (hardly a small feat) and yet somehow we still are meant to put our feelings, everything. To the backburner. Even if it literally means LIFE OR DEATH.

I love my sc. I married their father knowing they would be part of my family and that I would treat them as such. But I certainly didn't sign up to die for them, or to have anyone close to me potentionally die for them.

As I'm sure MANY humans would say similar regarding anyone else bar their own flesh and blood.

I'd like to know just how many of these people demanding we put our own at risk would willing do the same to their children? Or a close loved family member?

I love my SC. But jesus fucking christ I am so sick to death of even a deadly virus meaning somehow they should still come above logic and sense and rules for the majority.

Thankfully I am lucky enough that my DH and his exW understand this, agree and see IT IS ALSO IN THE SCS BENEFIT TO REDUCE CONTACT.

No one wants to lose a loved one. No one. Anything that can prevent that in this crazy time is NEEDED. it isn't a fucking attempt to cut the sc out. It's about keeping people ALIVE.

How this has turned into a chance to attack an SM is beyond me.

Yet again somehow we are out to kick the kids out. Despite no mention of that and OP explicitly saying not seeing her sc would hurt her too.

It is natural to want to protect a newborn. Especially as a first time mum. And jesus in this climate it is understandable that feeling is even stronger.

Especially as we are drummed into the need to protect them from bugs and the like. All of you ask yourself how you would feel with a newborn in this climate.

Mine isn't even here yet and I am fucking terrified. It IS scary.

[MeridianB]

I agree with Scary and Ella and Fun.

The starting point is to save lives by keeping residents of one home together and not having any visitors, even family.

I am sure if we didn’t have a killer virus and government lockdown, the OP would be looking forward to having her SC over.

OP, you are not being unreasonable. Your baby has limited immunity and you need to ensure that is not compromised. It doesn’t make you a bad person or an evil stepmother.

Congratulations and enjoy your little one (and the bigger one by FaceTime).

[SimonJT]

Children should carry on with their usual contact unless a parent/someone in the house is shielding.

I assume you would happily not see your own child during this time? It not, you shouldn’t expect your husband to do it.

If my partner expected me not to see my son he wouldn’t be my partner for a second longer.

[funinthesun19]

To me, this thread just further reinforces the fact that to some people, stepchildren must always come first no matter the cost to anyone else.

And the real irony that these people cannot see, is that if the stepchildren go from house to house back and forth all the time, they are at risk too! Maybe if they stop and think about that, then they might think actually seeing as I care about these children that much, I am concerned about their health if they’re going back and forth.
But nope, because these people have an axe to grind, even a fucking deadly virus won’t stop them banging on about stepchildren feeling “left out”. It’s got nothing to do with any of that.

[funinthesun19]

I assume you would happily not see your own child during this time? It not, you shouldn’t expect your husband to do it.

I wouldn’t want to risk their health or anyone else’s, so if I was an nrp I would put them first and not see them in person for the time being. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be heartbreaking and difficult, but it would be for the greater good.

[MeridianB]

What if usual contact is every couple of days? Back and forth between houses that may have many more people than their parents in them.

Some parents have no reassurance about how strictly or not the other parent is observing lockdown.

You may not like the OP’s decision but it’s not made on a whim or out of meanness to her SC. She is shielding her newborn.

[Scarycoaster]

@SimonJT

I actually know plenty of people (mothers and fathers) who are doing exactly that to protect their kids.

Same as I know (and am one of) plenty of people not seeing their loved ones for ALL of their sakes and protection.

This isn't an sc issue. There are now plenty of vulnerable elderly especially not seeing their loved ones, who likely held a great deal in helping their daily mental health. To benefit and protect them.

My elderly, much loved aunt. Being one of them.

Along with the millions and millions in the same position worldwide.

TO PROTECT EVERYONE.

This isn't an sc issue, this is a bloody pandemic. Everyone is safer with staying in one home and one home only.

[SarahInAccounts]

OP, step mothers never get a fair go on mumsnet.

The hatred for them knows no bounds and some posters are utterly irrational on the subject. Talk to your DH and decide what to do together.

I wouldn't want anyone else in the house with a newborn who'd been in special care. Especially not one you know has not been kept isolated.

Ignore the vipers, OP.

[aSofaNearYou]

OP I don't know why there are so many one sided comments on this particular thread, but I would recommend you read through a few other threads asking this question in the step parenting forum, there are some on AIBU as well. You will see that there are a LOT of people making the same decision as you for the sake of the children, and the people on this thread stating their opinion that it is way out of line and unheard of to suggest contact stop during lockdown as fact, are dead wrong. Lots of people are doing it and being lauded by many as sensible.

I should also point out, as I've now had to do on a few threads with people giving the same misinformation - no, the government has NOT made it "clear" that contact "should" continue. What they have actually done is be very unclear, and said that it CAN continue but any kind of movement (this included) is better avoided if possible and you should all use your common sense and judgment to assess the risk. In my opinion, if it is possible for the child to stay in one house then they should, in the same way that everyone else is having to do in order to save thousands of lives.

[Scarycoaster]

@aSofaNearYou speaks complete truth.

And most have chosen to keep their children to one home to protect them and everyone else.

Not to mention everyone saying otherwise is forgetting with a newborn it is advised (and usually strictly followed) that anyone unwell stay away due to their weakened immune system.

In this instance she is being bullied into saying it's perfectly okay for someone to come in and interact with said newborn, who through granted no fault of their own has been in direct contact with an nhs worker who has been in direct contact with a KILLER virus. One that we don't really know much else about.

No matter how much I loved someone, I would not be letting that person near my newborn. Nor would most others in any other circumstance.

Same way as despite the risk not being as high, no one will be meeting my newborn outside my household for the foreseeable once they are here. No matter how much I would want them to.

I'm fully isolating with my family for a reason. As are most others.

If both parents feel it is that vital, both parents should be following exactly the same household measures so the risk is less.

It isn't the childs fault granted. And in any other situation I wouldn't agree with keeping them away. But this isn't a normal situation.

I remember the fear I felt over germs and the like with my first newborn. I am now living that fear over the prospect of a newborn in all of this soon myself.

It is real. It is understandable. Times are bloody scary. I really feel for you OP. Especially after this thread.

You are not a bad person or a bad stepmum for wanting to keep your newborn safe. Especially when keeping your newborn safe stops a whole chainteaction of possible infections and possibly a lot worse.

[HillAreas]

If it’s fine for DSD to see her dad then it should be fine for me to see my dad. And my mum to see her brother. And DH to see his Gran. And BIL to visit MIL. Because they are family and far be it from me to suggest that they are not family by stopping any of this in the face of a once in a century global pandemic

See where it starts to look ridiculous making an exception?

Stay strong OP. Protect your baby. Your DHs Ex will be doing everything she can to protect her child, I’m sure, but you can’t know what’s going on there so why take the risk?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Oh here we go again when the stepmum bashing. Yes, the government have said that kids can move between houses, but some judgement on individual circumstances is needed.

My husband is high risk and will not see his kids for 12 weeks - it's for the best. Kids moving between houses is not essential travel in my opinion. It puts people at risk.

[user47000000000]

www.judiciary.uk/announcements/coronavirus-crisis-guidance-on-compliance-with-family-court-child-arrangement-orders/?fbclid=IwAR0YE0F5bFdpRg2GI04C5Sp38J1q7trfKnFhkcz7h2PVfsdPXAR-V4H2Tdw

[toobusytothink]

Oh my gosh! Hypocrisy is rife on this thread! On every other thread, people are being told that the children pick one house to go on lock down in and they stay there. When I dared mention that I didn’t think it was fair that my ex wouldn’t be able to see his kids as they would be lockdowned at mine I got a complete slating! So OP ignore those being nasty. Advice is kids stay in one house for duration so you would not be unreasonable to ask for this.

[user47000000000]

Hi OP,
I hope the above link will be helpful for you as you try and navigate this tricky conversation with your H.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and would feel exactly the same as you.

My SDs mum has been isolating (allegedly) for 10 days now and after 14 DP wants her to come to ours. We have a high risk household member and I am not happy about this but he is adamant I am being overly anxious and that I'd be "stopping him from seeing his daughter".

Likewise I want to keep my DS here but his dad is adamant he should go to his after our 2 weeks isolation up (I believe I've had CV) as ex and his DP are following the rules and isolating except for essential shopping.

It is so so so hard and I feel like I am being made to feel like a wicked stepmom and a manipulative child hogging ex. In reality I am just desperately trying to protect my vulnerable household member.

Both SD and my DS have FaceTime and I believe are in the best places for a long term stay. They are both happy and comfortable and at 9&10 understand the situation and their MH is good at this point so I don't want them to move either. But I don't feel I "have a leg to stand on" :(

[PeonyTruffle]

I have tentatively told my DH that I'm not sure it is a good idea to carry on contact with my teenage DSC (they are old enough to know how serious this situation is) Their mother has complete disregard for any rules. The week before lock down she lied that they had symptoms and took them out of school to go on holiday, I doubt v much she is being as meticulous as us with regard to distancing.

If I knew 100% that everyone in their house was following the rules and the risk was v low I would feel better but I dont so I have to think of the people in my house, I have a medical condition and we have a young child.

Its shit but its also sensible imo 🤷🏽‍♀️

[user47000000000]

How does your H feel about that?
I am clear about how I feel but we aren’t on the same page :(

[Maybe83]

My dd isnt going to her dads. My adult ss isnt coming here.

We are completely sticking to resident people in each house and not visiting or having visitors.

My dd is much older so it's easier. I actually think its bat shit crazy that they government has said children can move between houses. It makes zero sense to me.

Every family situation is different and it's up to the adults to be responsible.

To be honest I wouldnt and would speak to her mother about having regular facetime calls. This is temporary and will pass until then I want to reduce the risks for everyone I love.