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Step-parenting

Stop my h seeing his daughter

65 replies

lovemylifq · 31/03/2020 13:04

Hi just after advice my partner has a 5 year old who stays with us two nights a week now me and my partner have just had a new born now 4 weeks old I'm worried that sd will be due to come stay at ours as her mother hasn't been staying at home. What shall I do? I'm so worried I'm losing sleep. Do I say we cant Have ds until lockdown is over

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user47000000000 · 04/04/2020 19:16

Glad you’ve got something you’re happy with. Is he staying 2m away from her? Otherwise your plan is pretty futile...

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lovemylifq · 04/04/2020 17:32

Thank you for everyone's replies, we have taken the discussion to stop SD coming to the house we are lucky enough to have quite abit of land with sheep and horses at our house which we own so my d is still seeing her there and changing his clothes when hes comes home

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nellythenarwhal · 04/04/2020 12:29

This is an issue where you'll be crucified if you post as a stepparent but praised if you post as a parent- especially if you're the parent not seeing your child for a while.

My children are teenagers but not seeing their Dad as he lives with a person with poor health.

Our child had a birthday this week and he dropped off the gift and stayed in the car to speak with him. Sad but rather that than someone getting ill.

I hope that your h has considered things more

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user47000000000 · 03/04/2020 21:55

How is it going op?

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ChocolateTea · 03/04/2020 21:45

I'm a resident mother, and have decided DC will not be going to their dads currently. They have a sister there who is very vulnerable. I'm sure if her stepmother posted here about that, she'd be torn a new one, but actually this was a decision between me and my ex. He's devastated, he's had them weekly for 10 years. But it's short term pain for long term gain imo. And they keep in touch via the Internet - in fact they've spoken to him more this week than ever, so is actually building a stronger relationship.

I think with a newborn, you are perfectly acceptable in saying no for the lockdown period of 2-12 weeks. Use facetime etc.

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offlikeabanger · 03/04/2020 21:36

It was the fact your DP didn't discuss. You and your DP decided between you that you were keeping them, when you only usually have them EOW, and then had the cheek to say you were providing her with "free childcare", which she hadn't asked for, and then demanded she pay you for the privilege as you were shocked to discover they eat more.

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bogoffmda · 03/04/2020 19:59

How was it not the same - if the DC is at risk they stay with the parent with less risk.
I accept we should have discussed first but what we did is no different to the mothers who keep their DCS just the reverse.

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NowSissyThatWalk · 03/04/2020 17:51

This forum is so hilariously hypocritical at times.

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MadameJosephine · 03/04/2020 17:39

It’s not your decision I’m afraid, you shouldn’t get ‘stop’ your DH seeing his child. By all means you can both have a conversation with the child’s mother and together you can decide what it is her best interest but I don’t think you should get to force the choice either way. I believe current rules allow for children to travel between homes of custody is shared but my ex and I have decided together that DD will stay with me for the time being and she FaceTimes her dad every morning and evening but that’s more because he lives with his 83 yo father and I work in a hospital so we’d be putting his dad at risk

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offlikeabanger · 03/04/2020 15:30

That was hardly the same and you know it @bogoffmda

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bogoffmda · 03/04/2020 13:14

And when I suggested the NRP keep the DSC I was crucified and the thread pulled!

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user47000000000 · 03/04/2020 08:30

That’s the issue isn’t it where the parents don’t agree :(

My ex thinks I am being really OTT

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Willyoujustbequiet · 03/04/2020 00:11

Gov guidelines dont say contact should take place at all. They say it can but doesn't have to. It entirely depends on the individual circumstances

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funinthesun19 · 01/04/2020 17:08

It was a typo it was meant to say “new mum”.

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Electrical · 01/04/2020 15:21

What’s a ‘bee mum’? 😂

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Maybe83 · 01/04/2020 12:33

My dd isnt going to her dads. My adult ss isnt coming here.

We are completely sticking to resident people in each house and not visiting or having visitors.

My dd is much older so it's easier. I actually think its bat shit crazy that they government has said children can move between houses. It makes zero sense to me.

Every family situation is different and it's up to the adults to be responsible.

To be honest I wouldnt and would speak to her mother about having regular facetime calls. This is temporary and will pass until then I want to reduce the risks for everyone I love.

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user47000000000 · 01/04/2020 08:00

How does your H feel about that?
I am clear about how I feel but we aren’t on the same page :(

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PeonyTruffle · 01/04/2020 07:15

I have tentatively told my DH that I'm not sure it is a good idea to carry on contact with my teenage DSC (they are old enough to know how serious this situation is) Their mother has complete disregard for any rules. The week before lock down she lied that they had symptoms and took them out of school to go on holiday, I doubt v much she is being as meticulous as us with regard to distancing.

If I knew 100% that everyone in their house was following the rules and the risk was v low I would feel better but I dont so I have to think of the people in my house, I have a medical condition and we have a young child.

Its shit but its also sensible imo 🤷🏽‍♀️

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user47000000000 · 01/04/2020 06:58

Hi OP,
I hope the above link will be helpful for you as you try and navigate this tricky conversation with your H.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and would feel exactly the same as you.

My SDs mum has been isolating (allegedly) for 10 days now and after 14 DP wants her to come to ours. We have a high risk household member and I am not happy about this but he is adamant I am being overly anxious and that I'd be "stopping him from seeing his daughter".

Likewise I want to keep my DS here but his dad is adamant he should go to his after our 2 weeks isolation up (I believe I've had CV) as ex and his DP are following the rules and isolating except for essential shopping.

It is so so so hard and I feel like I am being made to feel like a wicked stepmom and a manipulative child hogging ex. In reality I am just desperately trying to protect my vulnerable household member.

Both SD and my DS have FaceTime and I believe are in the best places for a long term stay. They are both happy and comfortable and at 9&10 understand the situation and their MH is good at this point so I don't want them to move either. But I don't feel I "have a leg to stand on" :(

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toobusytothink · 01/04/2020 06:52

Oh my gosh! Hypocrisy is rife on this thread! On every other thread, people are being told that the children pick one house to go on lock down in and they stay there. When I dared mention that I didn’t think it was fair that my ex wouldn’t be able to see his kids as they would be lockdowned at mine I got a complete slating! So OP ignore those being nasty. Advice is kids stay in one house for duration so you would not be unreasonable to ask for this.

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chocolatesaltyballs22 · 01/04/2020 06:43

Oh here we go again when the stepmum bashing. Yes, the government have said that kids can move between houses, but some judgement on individual circumstances is needed.

My husband is high risk and will not see his kids for 12 weeks - it's for the best. Kids moving between houses is not essential travel in my opinion. It puts people at risk.

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HillAreas · 31/03/2020 21:41

If it’s fine for DSD to see her dad then it should be fine for me to see my dad. And my mum to see her brother. And DH to see his Gran. And BIL to visit MIL. Because they are family and far be it from me to suggest that they are not family by stopping any of this in the face of a once in a century global pandemic Hmm

See where it starts to look ridiculous making an exception?

Stay strong OP. Protect your baby. Your DHs Ex will be doing everything she can to protect her child, I’m sure, but you can’t know what’s going on there so why take the risk?

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Scarycoaster · 31/03/2020 20:36

@aSofaNearYou speaks complete truth.

And most have chosen to keep their children to one home to protect them and everyone else.

Not to mention everyone saying otherwise is forgetting with a newborn it is advised (and usually strictly followed) that anyone unwell stay away due to their weakened immune system.

In this instance she is being bullied into saying it's perfectly okay for someone to come in and interact with said newborn, who through granted no fault of their own has been in direct contact with an nhs worker who has been in direct contact with a KILLER virus. One that we don't really know much else about.

No matter how much I loved someone, I would not be letting that person near my newborn. Nor would most others in any other circumstance.

Same way as despite the risk not being as high, no one will be meeting my newborn outside my household for the foreseeable once they are here. No matter how much I would want them to.

I'm fully isolating with my family for a reason. As are most others.

If both parents feel it is that vital, both parents should be following exactly the same household measures so the risk is less.

It isn't the childs fault granted. And in any other situation I wouldn't agree with keeping them away. But this isn't a normal situation.

I remember the fear I felt over germs and the like with my first newborn. I am now living that fear over the prospect of a newborn in all of this soon myself.

It is real. It is understandable. Times are bloody scary. I really feel for you OP. Especially after this thread.

You are not a bad person or a bad stepmum for wanting to keep your newborn safe. Especially when keeping your newborn safe stops a whole chainteaction of possible infections and possibly a lot worse.

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aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2020 20:13

OP I don't know why there are so many one sided comments on this particular thread, but I would recommend you read through a few other threads asking this question in the step parenting forum, there are some on AIBU as well. You will see that there are a LOT of people making the same decision as you for the sake of the children, and the people on this thread stating their opinion that it is way out of line and unheard of to suggest contact stop during lockdown as fact, are dead wrong. Lots of people are doing it and being lauded by many as sensible.

I should also point out, as I've now had to do on a few threads with people giving the same misinformation - no, the government has NOT made it "clear" that contact "should" continue. What they have actually done is be very unclear, and said that it CAN continue but any kind of movement (this included) is better avoided if possible and you should all use your common sense and judgment to assess the risk. In my opinion, if it is possible for the child to stay in one house then they should, in the same way that everyone else is having to do in order to save thousands of lives.

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