Husband is best friend to son rather than parent

[sadlycindy]

We have a 1 year old and DH has a son aged 13 he sees every other weekend. I struggle to get to know my SS. He is very quiet but he idolises his Dad, so I feel left out a lot of the time when he is round. He’ll cuddle up to his Dad on the sofa, which I know is nice...but I feel like I don’t know how I fit in. My husband let’s him do what he wants so I feel kind of like he’s untouchable and don’t dare try to parent him - when I have before DH hasn’t been happy It almost feel like a celebrity is round when he comes round 🤷🏻‍♀️

My and DS visited family this weekend in Wales. When I got back DH has told me his son asked if can he play the PS4 all weekend like last time I went away. DH said yes. They had a diet of dominoes, burgers, fish and chips and super noodles.

I just feel like why would SS want me around when his Dad is so much more fun letting him eat what he wants and play fortnite all day every day.

I feel such an outsider in my own home.

Please be gentle with me, I am struggling with anxiety at the moment and low self esteem so please be kind in any replies.

[sadlycindy]

@thehumansaredefinitelydead yes I agree that it is a great way to bond with teens - as that’s all they want to do! It’s more the fact it’s in the absence of me - making me feel like the boring one that imposes eating healthy and going places instead of video games. My SS is growing closer to his Dad all the time and I’m feeling there is no room for me when he comes round. I don’t know my place.

[ChilledBee]

well you had a child with someone who made it clear they didn't want one but was stupid enough to do it for you anyway. Why would you then think this person would turn into an active and loving parent? I can tell you I'd be a complete bitch of a mum if I ended up with a child I had said I didn't want. Sure he is dumb for doing it but it is kind of selfish to have a child with someone who doesn't want one knowing you could be hit by a bus tomorrow and they'd be left with a reluctant parent. You put your desires for kids ahead of what is actually best for said kids. Now you're paying the price.

[sadlycindy]

@Loopytiles I don’t know how to say it in a way that wouldn’t offend him. He got so angry at DS last week when he was whinging and I was angry at him for not caring for him. I said there was no way I’d feel comfortable leaving him with him and going out as if he was whingy he’d just shout at him and leave him crying. He got really angry at me saying that, he said I accused him of being a bad parent and that was so hurtful. I hadn’t meant to hurt him, I was just being truthful.

He’s quite authoritarian in how he believes children should be brought up. He thinks when 19month old is having a tantrum he should be put in his room until he calms down! He had a tantrum in a supermarket before and my DH said he’d take him out to the car, when I came out my DS was screaming in his car seat whilst my DH was in the front on his phone. I was so angry. I took him out and showed him the trolleys or something and he calmed down immediately.

I think he finds him more of an inconvenience tbh, which breaks my heart.

He did play with him last night when he came in and asked him questions, but it lasts all of 5-10 minutes, then he’s on his phone or laptop.

[sadlycindy]

@ChilledBee I didn’t really have any option. Due to my age it was that or never have kids.

[PurpleTreeFrog]

At first when I read your post I felt that the bond they have and the activities they do sound great.

However looking back to my own childhood with divorced parents this was exactly the sort of weekends I had with my own dad. We'd play PlayStation together all weekend and he'd give me treats like ice cream etc. We always got on and never argued, unlike with me and my mum, so at the time I favoured my dad as the "fun" parent. I loved it back then but now I look back on it I realise this sort of parenting takes no effort at all compared to all the less fun responsibilities my mum had.

And now I have a much stronger bond with my mum and hardly ever see my dad. You don't just get that bond from eating junk and playing PlayStation with your parents, you get it from all the other things they do to help you grow and flourish as a person. I don't know how to achieve that when you only see them two weekends a month but I do like the suggestions of going out places and doing some family activities together where there's more "real life" taking place and more interactions with the world around them, so more opportunities for your husband to be a good role model for his son than they would get with all this man-cave boys weekend stuff.

[ChilledBee]

@sadlycindy

Are you in a forced marriage?! If so there are organisations that can rescue you!


Because if you arent in a forced marriage then you could have left to find someone who does want children and had a relationship with them instead of forcing a child to have a parent who never wanted them and had to be spoken into conceiving with you.


Anyone will get unduly angry at a baby they dont want to raise. It was in fact a great deal of the reason that my son's BM started the process of having him adopted at birth. She didnt want a baby. Didnt want a baby with that person. Had no choice over the conception or seeking abortion and so had to see the pregnancy through until term. That's what she did to get out of a situation where a baby was forced onto her.

[Loopytiles]

He sounds worse and worse. If you can’t leave him in sole charge because you don’t trust his parenting.

Your honest and valid feedback may have been hard for him to hear, but rather than reflect on his behaviour his response was to vent his temper.

[Loopytiles]

Chilled Bee, OP’s DH chose to become a father again, OP didn’t force him! FFS

[ChilledBee]

Yes he chose it stupidly for sure. But he has also made it clear that he didnt want one. You're selfish if you agree to have a child with someone who has made it clear that isn't what they want. You're selfish to have a child when you dont want one. They are both selfish.

[HelloYouTwo]

He shouts at your 19mo? That’s awful. He’s not a nice Dad. tbh, you’ve got your child, why not split up and raise your ds in the way you would like and leave your dh to his shit parenting?

He probably won’t want to see your ds for a few years, but when he does you can be sure he’ll be fun gaming junk food dad again and you can be boring responsible mum. That’s the ways he’s programmed. I wonder how much effort he put into his ds1 when he was little, or did he opt out of parenting then too?

[sassbott]

@ChilledBee I do wish posters like yourself who have nothing constructive to add to threads like these would keep your opinions to yourself. Your comments on this thread are just cowardly bullying towards someone who is asking for help.

The OP has had a child with this man, what is it you suggest she now does? Put it back? Please stop posting if you are not going to be supportive.

@sadlycindy I had counselling with someone who specialises in anxiety. The thing with anxiety is that you need to identity the root cause(s), understand why you are feeling what you are feeling and learn to feel those feelings and let them pass/ manage them. Anxiety will never just disappear.

Looking at your other posts however, I can see the wider picture that will be contributing to how you feel. Right now, you have a jumble of thoughts/emotions. My view is that counselling will help bring you to a place of strength. So that you can then articulate clearly to your DH what you need.

I too would not be happy with my main tv being dominated by fortnite (I actually don’t allow that game still). The kids play on a separate tv.

My exDP would regularly take over my lounge with his kids and I’d come in and think ‘well where can I sit and relax and watch my tv?’. It’s thoughtless and disrespectful. If that situation has been reversed, I would immediately say, ‘we’ve taken over your tv, we can move, what would you like to watch?’. He never did that so one day I simply said, in future please watch tv with your children in the childrens area. There is a reason i have a separate tv/ area for my kids and I expect you to use it with yours please.

He objected by saying it wasn’t as comfortable and I simply said, well then spend some money and get it to the standard you want. It’s good enough for my kids and me when we game.

These are basics and I agree, they are not remotely related to your anxiety (but will be fuelling it). I’m sorry to say you have a DH problem. Question is, how are you going to work with him to address it? And are you prepared to?

[ChilledBee]

Acknowledging that her choice to have a baby with someone who doesn't want one likely means he wont be the best dad to that child is a realistic look forward to improving things in the future.

[DeathStare]

I don't think this issue is really about your step-son. I think the real issue is that your DH only wants the fun bits of parenting - where he basically gets to be a teenager himself again. He doesn't want to do the patience-testing bits looking after a tired toddler. He doesn't want to engage in activities he doesn't himself find fun. He doesn't want to take responsibility for either child's health or wellbeing.

Basically it's the same situation with both children - he will do the bits he enjoys (ie being a teenage boy again) and expects you to pick up all the unpopular bits. This isn't fair at all. Have you thought about relationship counselling?

[Loopytiles]

Relationship counselling might help if this H is, other than all this behaviour, basically decent. It isn’t recommended if he’s emotionally abusive - individual counselling would then be better.

[sadlycindy]

@PurpleTreeFrog thats interesting that you feel that way. Maybe he does appreciate me for coming up with things to do and nice meals.

@Loopytiles He can't take any criticism. He always turns it around and makes it my fault somehow. No one likes to be criticised though I guess. I am very open, yet he is a closed book. He would never ever agree to counselling.

@DeathStare

@Loopytiles and @sassbott thank you for replying to @ChilledBee on my behalf. No, their comment is no help whatsoever. Imagine I went to a counsellor with all this and they said "well it's your own fault! You shouldn't have had a child with him". Great, thanks. I feel better now.

@HelloYouTwo haha yes, I can see how history could easily repeat itself. I do love him though. We went away for a few days a couple of months back and I had a fantastic time. Yeah I don't know how much effort he put into raising them tbh. It wouldn't be good to find out.

@DeathStare that is a really interesting point, he does only want to do the fun stuff.

[sadlycindy]

@sassbott thank you for your detailed post. How did you find your counsellor? I have gone to the doctor about it but the waiting list is massive, and even then, I expect it'll be CBT they'll give me.

I think you are right, I need to identify the root cause; can counsellors do that? I was under the impression that was more psychologists' territory, that counsellors tended to listen and offer management techniques.

You are so right, I am a jumbled mess with everything going through my mind and not knowing how to manage it all. The doctor prescribed me some anti-depressants yesterday, but I don't want to take them, as I understand why I am feeling down, it's not a random thing.

I am glad you think the same about the TV thing. I need to pluck up the courage to say "can you go play that in your room please?" and deal with the fear of DH being annoyed with me or SS then not liking me.

I would work through these things happily with DH but he hates talking about anything contentious and gets on the defensive, falls out with me, then it all becomes my fault! I then have a distant DH for a couple of days and feel even worse.

[ChilledBee]

I think you should step up for your kid now (as you haven't had their interests in mind so far) and leave to create a healthier environment. Of course you cannot continue to raise a person with a co-parent who doesn't want them and never did. That's what my comments are meant to do. Wake you up to the fact that as a parent,you are meant to do all you can to create a healthy environment for your children and instead of doing that,you are worrying if someone else's son is having too much screen time. It is simply bizarre.

Your question should be "I talked someone who didnt want a child into having a child, now it is inevitably affecting my son's emotional wellbeing, how do I leave?". This has nothing to do with blended families and would be the same if your SS was a beloved pet or a hobby. The issue is that you coerced him into a situation he didnt want to be. Your only option now you have a kid to think about is to leave!

[sadlycindy]

@chilledbee how dare you!!!! How dare you say I haven’t had my child’s interests in mind so far. I wish I knew you so you could say that to my face.

[Magda72]

@sadlycindy - ignore @ChilledBee as I really think she/he is just determined to troll on every post!
Bearing in mind I don't live in the UK so licensing laws could be different where I am, I think what you need is a psychotherapist - this will be someone trained to degree level (so more trained than a counsellor) in a variety of therapies - talk, cbt etc. A psychologist is not actually licensed to operate as a therapist & a psychiatrist deals with clinical mental health diagnoses such as sociopathy, schizophrenia etc.
I have a family member in the UK who has been on the NHS list for a psychotherapist for MONTHS, so if you can in any way afford it go privately (google UK governing bodies for practicing psychotherapy).
I too have been seeing a psychiatrist for years (nowadays I go about once a month) & like @sassbott it has been invaluable to me navigating anxiety. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Just knowing there's one person out there fighting your corner is a huge support.
Not for one minute am I saying you were wrong to have a child with your dh - but he was VERY wrong to agree to it if it wasn't what he wanted - HE was already a parent & knew what being a parent involves so he was wrong to go through it if he wasn't prepared to share responsibility with you. To me it reads like he is almost gathering his ds to him & using him as a barrier to creating a 'proper' family unit with you, ds & dss - & to this end he is using both you & his ds & it is my believe that like @PurpleTreeFrog said (great post btw) his ds willl soon begin to realise that his dad is behaving like a teenager & not a parent.

[sadlycindy]

@Magda72 I think he just prefers my SS to our own DS atm and that's what hurts.

I think as well I have painted a very bad picture of him on this thread. He is proud of our son in that he can count to 10 and knows his colours at his young age. He does talk about him to his friends. He plays with him and makes him laugh. He does bedtime every night, reads him a story and puts him to bed.

It's just that with him saying he prefers older children and how I see him with his own DS, it makes me really hurt for our DS. It doesn't help that he has no patience with him unless he's laughing and happy. He will very choose to interact with him unless DS comes up to him. Even then I have to say "DH, our DS is talking to you!"

Thank you for the advice re therapy, I shall have a look. At least if I was seeing someone regularly, I could say "my therapist has recommended we talk about..", so then its not me raising a difficult subject.

[Magda72]

Sorry @sadlycindy - I didn't mean to imply that your dh doesn't love your ds. However, you can love someone & still have very complicated feelings towards them. I think a lot of men (from what I see around me) end up with very complicated feelings towards children in 'second families' (don't like that term but can't think of anything else to call it!).
A woman births all her children regardless of the father, but a man has different women birthing for him iyswim & I think because of this biological difference women are better able to mentally integrate their children of different parentage than men are. I'm not saying they love their second family kids any less, but the integration seems harder for them (generally speaking).
I also think that women such as yourself who have children with a man who already has children have quite a hard time of it because nothing is new or a novelty for the dad. I genuine often feel quite sorry for my ex's dw as he cries off santa trips etc. (I hear all this via my dd) as he's already done all that three times over.

[sadlycindy]

@Magda72 no it's ok. I understand what you mean. I think he is fatigued by the fact he has done it all before. He did say to me that he actually loved the freedom he had when he split with his ex. He felt guilty about it but felt free. He didn't want to be "tied down" again for another 18 years. I told him that I think I'd always regret not having children, and I think this worried him, that I wouldn't be happy with him. So he agreed to children.

That's great that you can empathise with your ex's new DW. A lot of women would hate the new DW.

One of the reasons his ex split with him was because he never wanted to do anything with her and the kids. I tell him stories about my friends and their husbands, who are similar and maybe don't bother with the child and stay in bed all day with a hangover...he thinks this is terrible so it kind of puffs him up to do better! This is my way of getting him to put more in.

[Loopytiles]

The things you say about him make me think that your H is emotionally abusive, OP.

This will be contributing to your MH situation.

If you can afford counselling, try one experienced with domestic abuse.

IME a father talking lots about their DC but rarely parenting or indeed seeing them is a huge red flag they are a crap parent. Reading stories etc is just basic parenting. Your H games all weekend every time his DS visits, and you can’t leave your baby with him without fearing for his safety.

[Loopytiles]

Tiptoeing around him is not going to change him. The status quo works for him. You are kept in your place and are doing all the hard work of parenting. His DS is relatively easy company because he lets him do as he wishes and leaves the parenting to his ex.

[EKGEMS]

Oh ChilledBee You've achieved that goal without the unwanted child