I Dont want a devil child

[georgia19ox]

So my DP has a little girl (4) she stays 2 nights a week sometimes she cant be so nice a loving others she is the devil, my problem is my DP will never tell her off we have a little boy on the way and i really dont want to bring my son up the way he lets his little girl off with things, i put it down to being a spoiled brat in the making and being with adults too much
An example where i dont think her behavior is OK when she kicks and hits our dog in the face lucky he is a saint of a dog but DP lets her do it and it winds me up
i have spoken to him about it before saying he babies her and i dont want my son being brought up like that but he always brushes it off and it really does my head in
i really dont want to but sometimes i really dont like her and when i know shes coming i dread going home :(

[pikapikachu]

Children don't behave badly because they are with adults too much. That's bizarre

[NotStayingIn]

You need to step up to the plate and start to be much clearer with your idiot husband that this stops now. He is setting you all up for hell. What will she be like when she has to fight for attention with another child in the house? What if one day the dog has enough and bites. What if she thinks it’s also fine to hit the baby.

Sure extreme examples but you don’t know where this will end unless you end it now. If he does it next time leave and go and stay with a friend/parents if needs be. You have to get him to understand just how serious this could turn. Good luck.

[billandbenflowerpotmen1]

yes and this is real!

[AhNowTed]

He's a shit lazy father and you're blaming a 4 year old?

Poor child will be pushed aside when the new one comes along.

That will be her fault as well.

[aSofaNearYou]

I would be telling her off yourself when she kicks your dog - you have the right to protect your pet and others from them. If your partner is offended by you doing so, but won't do it himself, then it will never work.

[BilboBercow]

It's not the 4 year old's fault. It's the man you've chosen to procreate with. Good luck op.

[isadoradancing123]

You really must tell her off when she hurts the dog, explain in a way she understands about how the dog feels and how it hurts him etc, most 4 year olds will have empathy

[Quartz2208]

why on earth would you have a baby with a man whose parenting style you hate

Because make no mistake this is HIS fault and on him. Her life has changed as well with your being pregnant and neither of you has addressed how that would make her feel

Its not her being a spoilt brat its her trying to come to terms with a new situation and an unwilling Dad and a SM who dislikes her.

[bionicnemonic]

Punishing and telling off aren’t always the most appropriate way. If you get down to her level and show her how to be nice to the dog. To just stroke it gently. Remind her it’s not kind to hit or kick

[Moomin8]

I've never needed to punish my kids. Personally I don't think that dynamic helps. There are better ways to get a child to behave well.

[IAmPrettyWisdomous]

Do you not ever step in when she's behaving badly? If he's not doing anything, you can start to pull her up as there needs to be consistency when your son arrives.

When it comes to the dog, whether he likes it or not, pull her up on it and give her a consequence as that is not only disgusting behaviour but dangerous too.

Show him what boundaries are and tell him to start parenting his child.

[AhNowTed]

OP, this 4 year old's life has been turned upside down.

No sooner had her mum and dad broken up, but she's expected to accept her daddy had a new partner, and there is another baby on the way.

Her father doesn't parent her properly.

You have no time for her.

Can you not see that her behaviour is a direct result of poor parenting, and a broken family, and she will soon be playing second fiddle to another baby.

And she's 4 years old.

You seriously need to rethink who's at fault here.

[Notodontidae]

@ georgia19ox, some mixed answers on here, but the one's that say you should tell her off are right. Your Partner can then see how you would bring up a child, and that she should not hit the dog or misbehave at all in your house. Dont forget every child is different, so your DPs little one may take after his former partner. What is important here, is that your DPs DD does what she is told while in your care, and that your DP backs you up. You will need to be assertive, dont wait for your partner to intervene, a 4YO has to do what they are told or face the consequencies.

[Moomin8]

@Notodontidae unless the OP's partner backs her up, all that will happen is that she will be seen as wicked stepmother. Do you really think the father is that stupid that he doesn't know his parenting is inadequate?

The Op seems to have disappeared I notice.

[Shockers]

Poor kid. Show her how to stroke the dog; talk to her about how the dog feels; show her you love her, even when she gets it wrong and you have to tell her how she got it wrong.

You are the adults who have turned her little world on its head- make it safe and compassionate for her this new way round.

[OchNah]

Since you and your boyfriend are allowing the poor dog to tolerate abuse, you both need to find him/her an excellent, loving home as a matter of urgency. In future, put some effort into making huge lifestyle choices.

[BingsDracSula]

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here op. You seriously need to rethink your language about your sd, but I get where you're coming from about your dp parenting.
I had similar concerns when I was pregnant with dc. I have strep children and I found my h to be a bit soft on them. But I came to understand that he was struggling due to feeling guilty about what they had been through. His x had an affair and mental breakdown before they split - he supported the children in the family home for a year before moving out. Despite doing everything he could, he still felt terribly guilty for the trauma the children were put through and this led to him (misguidedly imo) being very lenient with the kids.
Once we had a strong relationship, I didn't hold back on telling the kids off and he has gotten much stronger in this. Parenting is a partnership and with our toddler, we share the same boundaries And Make a good team.
There is a10+ year age gap between my dc and my dsc which helps.

I guess my message is, set your stall now with the step child, try to understand why he's holding back, and build up your parenting partnership- ask him- do you really think that's acceptable?
I hope it works out for you op.

[CantstopsayingFFS]

Predictable responses by many....
Firstly, protect the dog. You have every right to stop her from doing this for the safety of your dog and her. (No doubt there'll be some that suggest you have no right to discipline a step child...)
Secondly, the way he helps raise her is not necessarily a reflection of how he will be as a parent - he may be struggling with guilt and this is common with parents who are no longer with the partner of the child. This isn't right but unfortunately there are many ex wives/partners that help create this issue by making the father feel crap so it's their way of compensating not being there full time. There are also just stupid dads.
So you need to discuss this with him as adults and explain this isn't beneficial for her wellbeing and your future family. Kids are a product of their environment- you can only do what's right (although that's subjective when you read some of the shit people post) and then let nature takes its course. She's going to be a part of your life forever and you can help improve the situation by not behaving on your resentment or dislike for the SD. You can't force yourself to love her but you can behave like an adult and do your best to help her and provide her with advice. You can't just sit back. It's your life that is being affected too. You DH needs to step up and you need to have serious conversations with him. Just make sure you use your words wisely and not be so harsh on the girl. Good luck and I'm not going to say 'you knew what you were getting yourself in for' because it's not true.

[Moomin8]

Personally I think you shouldn't marry someone if you can't love their 4 year old step child. It's very selfish.

[Harriett123]

Spending time with adults doesn’t make a child a brat OP.

Exactly. DD spent most of her time with adults, she is far from a brat.

I agree with this my stepson spends alot of time around adults. It actually makes him more articulate and better at explaining how he feels rather than lashing out.

[CantstopsayingFFS]

Personally I think you shouldn't marry someone if you can't love their 4 year old step child. It's very selfish.

I think it's very naive to think you can automatically love a child because it happens to be your partners child! You grow to love them just like anybody else. There's no such think as an emotional switch you can turn on unconditionally....

[UnbowedUnbentUnbroken]

All children are little devil spawns when they want to be. My youngest niece is dead strange she floods the school bathrooms and they find her screaming manically in the playground.

I also remember overhearing my friends child acting out some elaborate plan where she poisons her sister and even told her sister to die quietly.

My younger brother randomly punched a dog in the face for looking at him and hadn't been brought up any differently to me or my other brother.

[Moomin8]

You grow to love them just like anybody else.

Of course. But if you are determined to think of them as 'devil child' then you've decided to never open your heart. Which is very selfish. Why do some people expect to marry someone who already has a child and become the centre of that person's life and act like the child never existed? It's shit behaviour and a lot of people do it.

[Mclibby]

In an ideal world older step kids would be role models to your younger children. But in reality you'll have to accept that the different parenting styles between the homes mean there are always going to be some things you find unacceptable in the SCs behaviour. For us it's the violent, angry screaming and hitting the SCs do towards each other. We can control it to some degree towards our child but as this is how they act most of the week at their mother's home its proving pretty impossible to expect them to stop completely every weekend at ours. Very (very) slowly they are seeing the benefits of a kinder, calmer way of acting but it's a long way from ideal still.