My Step son

[Teenangels]

My stepson absolutely hates me, his dad and I have no idea why but when asked he just says that he hates me, and he will never have a relationship with me as I am insignificant to him. His mother constantly criticised me, bitched about me, called me the c-word and that I am getting everything she should be entitled to . She has also called my children names and they are ugly fat bastards and that they will never amount to anything.
My step son is not allowed in our home because of his behaviour towards me.
He has never had a good relationship with his dad since his parents split up because according to his mother his dad left him, and she has poisoned his mind and that if his dad he really loved him then his dad would still be together with his mum.My partners son will only contact his dad if he wants a lift somewhere or money, nothing else.
Yesterday he phoned his dad he wanted both a lift and money so my partner went and picked him up and gave him some money (he is 18) it also took him an hour and a half, when my partner got back he said that he would have to pick up his son when he has finished at the place he was at but didn’t know what time or how late, we had a rare afternoon/evening without my kids, my son was also at the same event and my son was getting a cab back as step son will not even acknowledge my son now although they knew each other before. My partner was not allowed to give my son a lift as my partner should only care about his own son
I got cross and said for fuck sake, (we had planned to go to the coast but of course we could not because partner was on stand by for his grown adult child)
My partner got really angry and walked out of the house, didn’t take any calls and has gone back to his house.
We can not go on like this and I am not sure that this relationship can continue with his son placed above everyone else’s needs, and we all have to change plans when he wants a lift etc.

[Windydaysuponus]

I would postpone selling your house.
Keep your relationship going if you choose but in the knowledge you are on different pages regarding dc and that is enough to not live together imo.

[Teenangels]

@ Windydaysuponus
We are not on different pages regarding my partners son behaviour towards me, my partner agrees that he is completely in the wrong, his behaviour is his problem. He can carry on like he is and he is the one that is missing out.
I sometimes feel my partner panders to him because he hopes that one day he will grow up and change,

[MzHz]

I also hate that my partner is seen as wonderful that he has “taken” on my children but I am the evil step mum who comes second best to anything.

I completely agree with this - it makes my blood boil how blokes get feted for doing ONCE what we lone parents have done for years day in and day out and we are STILL looked on as low.

As hard as it is, your DH needs to get his head around the fact that his DS behaviour is not only unacceptable, it is completely abnormal and unreasonable. He 'gets' that you won't have him in the house, but he still needs to draw a line with his DS to say "stop being such a rude prick to me/my wife/ or her/our kids or you won't get picked up, bailed out or pandered too. If that grates with you mate, check your attitude, look at your mates and see how they treat their parents and THEN hopefully you will see that you catch more flies with honey and your life will be better. You need to learn this lesson NOW, because you are 18 and nobody but nobody finds your behaviour cute, understandable, or acceptable. Time's up. Brat time is over."

[Windydaysuponus]

He runs around after him like he was 12. Are you going to raise your dc being so disrespectful and entitled?
His entitlement may well rub off on your dc as his attitude is seen as acceptable to them. Lifts for his ds but not yours...
What a bloody doormat.
I have a ds 18 who is self sufficient and can use a bus. Can request politely a lift if necessary. Is a great asset to our family.
You need your eyes open a bit more op...

[LatentPhase]

I’m not saying you should move out if he moved in. I’m just saying be mindful that on some level your DP is happy to pander to some of the behaviour and if circumstances were different in future (what if his mum were to move away for example and he can’t afford a place of his own) your DP may relent and expect you and him to live in your joint house. Things change.

I just think this issue could ripple through your future so maybe joining assets isn’t good while you and DP are in conflict over his parenting.

[Teenangels]

@Windydaysuponus
We do not have children together and will not do so, my days of that are over!
My children are 20,18 and 13.
Why would I raise my children to be like my partners son, when I clearly think his behaviour is wrong.
Three of my children have not laid eyes on my partners son for over a year and did not have anything to do with him because I don’t and they don’t want to be around him. I have raised my children not to be entitled or disrespectful to adults.

[HeckyPeck]

I’m just saying be mindful that on some level your DP is happy to pander to some of the behaviour and if circumstances were different in future (what if his mum were to move away for example and he can’t afford a place of his own) your DP may relent and expect you and him to live in your joint house.
Things change.

This is what I’m worried about for you as well OP.

Your partner simply doesn’t seem to have the will to say no to his son over anything.

I 100% agree that he shouldn’t ever live in your house with the way he’s behaving.

I just don’t think your partner would actually stick to that if push came to shove.

“Let me stay as I’m locked out of mum’s.”

“Let me move in otherwise I’ll have to sleep on the street/you don’t love me/I’ll never speak to you again”

Your step son doesn’t want to be around you at the moment, but if he’s down on his luck or just pissed off that his dad has moved in with you and wants to ruin it for you. You never know.

Could your DP not move in with you and rent out his house? Just to see how it goes?

[Aroundtheworldandback]

IceCreamAndCandyfloss When you say his son should and always will come first, do you think he should come before the op when he’s 30? If the op were his mother would it still be right that the adult son’s needs are prioritised? I don’t think so!

[Techway]

Did he ever get on with you? If so what and when did it change?

I often think a stepmum issue is actually repressed anger at the Dad, which you have also said. The root cause is Dad and son have to heal their relationship as it is currently dysfunctional.

Your stepson isn't behaving well and if he isn't getting the correct model at home then he needs to learn to express his emotions healthily. What does he do for work or in education? Is he causing issues elsewhere?

I would not buy together whilst you have this rift as it will cause deeper issues between son & dad. Your partner needs to get family therapy for him and his son, otherwise the son will play up, dad will pander and you will implode.

Take one step back,let their relationship get fixed, if not you will constantly try to control how your partner reacts to his son requests (which isn't well but I think we can understand his motivations as comes from guilt).

It will take longer this way but is a much healthier approach.

[Teenangels]

He did like me in the beginning a big group of people went on tour, my son and my partner and his son.There were 50 plus on this tour. My partners ex found out that we had a great time, and we’re all getting on and that is when the trouble started.
My partners ex flipped out he was getting calls from her, texts. That I was not allowed to be in the same postcode as them, that I was never to be in the same place as her son again or she will never allow my partner to see his son again, she also said my partners son was to never talk to me or my children and this is when the threats came from her. My partners ex is very controlling part of the reason they split up, my partners ex what vet all the parents of his friends if they voted a different way to her,she would refuse it let my partners son to be friends with her or she thought his friends were not academically brilliant she would not allow him to be friends with them, I could go on.
My partners son, is off to university and is causing no problems anywhere else.
I also think some people are forgetting that my partner and his son do not see each other regularly only when he needs something or my partners son mother demands that he give her extra money because he needs a new phone etc.

[MzHz]

Sounds like if he’s off to university, there is some small hope that he’ll escape the poison of his mother... you never know!

What you described above is absolutely what my oh ex has tried to a lesser extent with their teen dd.

Your situation has helped me understand what is going on here. It doesn’t solve it, but it explains a few things so it’s easier to rationalise and come to terms with.

[MzHz]

My oh has had to educate all his dc that in contrast to what their mothers have brought them up to expect, he is not a wallet on legs. It’s been a tough exercise

Kids expect, they all do, but the sooner the conversation is had that there are responsibilities and obligations that we have to make, but that there are also things that we do because we want to. Demanding or expecting anyone to just provide your every whim isn’t going to fly..

It’s not popular, no kid ever wants to accept that at some point they have to learn how to work to get the things they want, but it’s our job as parents to teach them this. I remember when my own allowance didn’t cover the cost of running a car when I passed my test. I had to get a job! Of course I’d have preferred not to, but I got the job and really enjoyed it and the spending power and freedom it gave me.

Your h needs to say to his ds that he has no right to expect or demand anything, and especially if he can’t be civil to his dad and the rest of the family

He doesn’t have to like or love any of you, but he is not entitled to be rude at all to anyone

If the lad doesn’t get it, then he doesn’t get money/lifts/whatever- let his mum provide it all and see where he gets to!

[Teenangels]

@MzHz
We should put up with it bad behaviour because it’s our partners child, and we are just meant to deal with it even though if this behaviour was exhibited by anyone else even our own children, we would be supported.
The advice I have had is leave the relationship can you imagine that being offered if a son had a problem with his parents.
I know that my partner is scared of losing his son and will do anything for him, and his behaviour is due to his mother.
I have told my partner that I do not want to hear about his son or what he is doing and to completely separate my family and I from his son and we will be able to continue with our relationship. That way my partner can continue his relationship with his son, and not upset his son and if his son slowly accepts that his father and I are a committed relationship and then he wants to be included until then he will not control my emotions. It’s him missing out on things Like going to New York, but hey that is not my concern.

[MzHz]

100%!

I pointed this out to my oh! I said that if there was behaviour like we’d had recently from my own sisters kids (MUCH younger too) that I’d fully expect him to say that they wouldn’t be welcomed back, and I’d understand.

I accept that contact is important but we’re failing our kids if it’s at all costs. teens do need to learn how to relate to others, and that their actions and demeanour do have an effect of others and the consequences of which will occur

I think we’ve worked out going forward what contact is manageable so that he has sufficient contact and are hopeful that gradually as the dc gets older, gains more independence from the toxic ear drippings, the general attitudes improve and all comes good on the other side...

I have to say that I’d not even considered just how bad it could get until I read your post, may be it’s also a boy vs girl thing, each deal with things and relationships differently. Although that has its own set of terrors tbh...

I do think that if your h can take a step back and realise the price he’s paying for the threat of suspension of contact, it might help him have the space to see the wood for the trees, and understand that actually what’s happening is hugely manipulative and to put a stop to it.

I don’t do ultimatums personally. whoever tries to give me one gets taken up on their offer! it wrong foots them every time!

[sassbott]

I haven’t said to leave the relationship. Nor have a lot of other posters. They’ve said to think twice before buying a home with this man.

Listen I loved my ex partner. Deeply. And we would have both been living together and no doubt rock solid as a couple if it wasn’t for the issues with his children. In the main as a direct result of his exwife and her resolute refusal to accept my role in her children’s lives.

My partner loved me too. But these issues can undermine the closest of relationships. I too tried to separate our relationships and detach so it didn’t impact me emotionally. I did it because I needed to, and over time it caused damage to our relationship.

Separating yourself and having these boundaries is easily done in your own home that you own.
Doing so when you have a joint home will not be so easy. And your partner may well over time resent/ chafe at the restrictions you have placed on him and his son.

His own son isn’t welcome in the house he owns with you? There are no words really. I am a parent and I fully understand respectful parenting. But I cannot imagine what line it is my children would have to cross for me to say ‘you’re not welcome in my home’.

The rest of the world could close their doors on my children, I’m not sure I ever could. And I certainly wouldn’t sign up to a life with someone who told me where my children are/ are not welcome.

[Teenangels]

Can I ask what restrictions I have placed on my partner of when and when he can’t see his son?
I have not! he can see him when he wants, I have taken a massive step back and I will not let him rule my emotions.
We both agreed that his son would not be welcome in our home all the time he is behaving like he is now. There is also a whole load of other stuff he has done that I will not go into, but the final straw was my partners son punched my son, if it had been anyone else I would be pressing charges!
My partners son does not look at our home as his house, that is the house he shares with his mum, that’s been drummed into him by his mother.
I think we also need to remember that this is not a child who still has dreams that his parents will get back together but a fully functioning adult off to university that if he wanted to could get married, join the army, and vote in a general election and has accepted all his mums partner she has had over the years.
I have also stated that he will be welcome in our home when he apologises and starts being civil, but he won’t do should I put up with someone in my home that has been violent, swears at my children, spits at me? If this was anyone else other than my partners child I would have social services knocking at my door because I was putting my children at risk in their home.
I would also support my ex partner if any of my children did this to his new partner.
I am afraid teenagers have to be accountable for their behaviour.

[TwentyEight12]

At 18 years old, behaviour such as this is no longer child’s play, it’s considered assault and abusive by law. He is an adult now. He does not have the safety net of being a child any longer to protect him from his actions. He is a thug and a bully. His mother has taught him that every person is irrelevant other than himself.

Narcissism is not born, it’s made. Abusers are not born, they are made.

[HeckyPeck]

I know that my partner is scared of losing his son and will do anything for him

But don’t you worry that if push came to shove this would also include letting him live in your joint home?

It might never happen, but if his son wanted to move in I can’t imagine him saying no from what you’ve said. He’d be scared of losing him.

Now absolutely agree that he should not be welcome in your home. He’s a horrible man and I’d go as far as to say I wouldn’t even care if he apologised.

It’s easy for you to ensure that now you own your own property. I just worry for you if you sold up then you might find yourself in for some grief down the line.

[Teenangels]

@HeckyPeck
If my partners son was to move in, and in his current state of mind it would be a war zone......
My partner has said he couldn’t live like that and it would be the end of our relationship if and I mean if he needed somewhere to live my partner would have to rent somewhere for him and if he wanted he and his son should live there together and I would then have to sell our home together once my youngest is 18 or out of full time education! This has been agreed and will be drawn up in our tenants in common documents.

[HeckyPeck]

It sounds like you’re happy with your decision and you’ve protected yourself as best you can. I hope it all works out for you.