My Step son

[Teenangels]

My stepson absolutely hates me, his dad and I have no idea why but when asked he just says that he hates me, and he will never have a relationship with me as I am insignificant to him. His mother constantly criticised me, bitched about me, called me the c-word and that I am getting everything she should be entitled to . She has also called my children names and they are ugly fat bastards and that they will never amount to anything.
My step son is not allowed in our home because of his behaviour towards me.
He has never had a good relationship with his dad since his parents split up because according to his mother his dad left him, and she has poisoned his mind and that if his dad he really loved him then his dad would still be together with his mum.My partners son will only contact his dad if he wants a lift somewhere or money, nothing else.
Yesterday he phoned his dad he wanted both a lift and money so my partner went and picked him up and gave him some money (he is 18) it also took him an hour and a half, when my partner got back he said that he would have to pick up his son when he has finished at the place he was at but didn’t know what time or how late, we had a rare afternoon/evening without my kids, my son was also at the same event and my son was getting a cab back as step son will not even acknowledge my son now although they knew each other before. My partner was not allowed to give my son a lift as my partner should only care about his own son
I got cross and said for fuck sake, (we had planned to go to the coast but of course we could not because partner was on stand by for his grown adult child)
My partner got really angry and walked out of the house, didn’t take any calls and has gone back to his house.
We can not go on like this and I am not sure that this relationship can continue with his son placed above everyone else’s needs, and we all have to change plans when he wants a lift etc.

[lilcreed]

Step child is 18! A legal adult. He needs to start acting like one. I would be firm with your partner and tell him this.

Although I feel that you should equally understand that his mother has probably brainwashed him for a long time into thinking you’re a horrible person.

[Teenangels]

@burnyburny
I have no idea what Debbie meant but I can assure you no name changes here.
I spent the night dealing with my daughters who miss my partner and don’t understand how he can let his son behave in the way he does, as I would not tolerate it with them.
I have also spent the night thinking what I should do.

[Itallt0omuch]

I can't see any future here personally. He's always going to put his son first. Don't sell your house and buy one with him until this is resolved one way or another. It should have been fine for your partner to tell his son no I can't give you a lift, we've already made plans. That he couldn't do this to an 18 year old speaks volumes about where you come in the hierarchy.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I can’t see a future either. His son will, and should, always come first. Risking alienating a child for a GF is madness.

Given the current dynamics, buying a house together will likely end up in tears. You’d be better living separate and dating without involving the children.

[Teenangels]

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He is not a child he is an 18 yr old man, I am not just a girlfriend, we are meant to be getting married!
Would you drop all your plans for an 18 yr old that only contacts you when he needs something? As someone else points out that as he Dad keeps allowing this behaviour it will just continue.

[peonyfairy03]

I really feel for you and I’m in a similar situation. All I can think of is guilt on your DP that his son is being a childish idiot. He probably hopes that’s if he does what his son wants he might start behaving properly.

I was in a similar situation this week we have DP children here unfortunately he has 3 with two different people. His DS is lovely however is 2DD are a different story one I won’t be left alone with as her BM is ridiculous and accuses me of all sorts. The other only cane this weekend because we were going somewhere she really wanted to go she came for 3 nights she’s 16. I got no thanks and all she did was mock my DD and her friends. But I was ready to walk and give what usually is a good relationship away. He took his DD food shopping she only eats certain food. We have a budget for the week he spent over half our budget on food for her for 3 days. We had a huge argument about it as he bought her stuff that we don’t normally get as to expensive and he took her to a high end supermarket to get it. Put it this was he spent £35 on fish alone and then every veg possible despite us going food shopping the day before and having a fridge full.

I spoke to my good friend about it who’s a counsellor and she said it’s guilt he don’t want to say no. Relationship between them are not good so he feels if he does what she wants it might make things easier when she comes. I put my kids first all the time and I guess that’s what he did. I’m not sure it was worth risking the relationship for we will just have to plan better when she comes.

Sorry long reply but you need to ask is it worth ruining your relationship for his son because he will be like this with whoever he is with. Sorry I probably wasn’t much help at all.

[Teenangels]

@peonyfairy03
Thank you, we have a great relationship with each other but for the step son, it’s hard to bite my tongue when he is so horrible to me, but the only person he is really hurting is his Dad.

[MzHz]

You’ve got a dp problem

I think you should end it to be honest

There’s no way my oh would allow any of his kids to treat me like your SS is treating you!

He’d tell any of his kids that IF he’s giving 1 a lift, the other can get in too, or get themselves home.

The money would absolutely stop too.

You need to pull out of this, you deserve better, your kids deserve better

[MzHz]

I’d also stop biting my tongue too! No fucking way would I stand by and listen to him insulting my kids! He’s an adult, albeit a stupid one, so he can learn all about action/reaction

[sassbott]

This is a tough situation.

You sound like you have a good relationship and your children have adjusted to the relationship.
Your DP is in a rock and a hard place. He desperately does not want to lose his son. His relationship is not supported and promoted by his sons mother. So he is basically prepared to jump every time his son wants him to because he feels he has no choice and otherwise he risks losing him.

The reality of him changing how he is acting is probably very slim. Because I’m sure if you were to ask him, he would be incredibly defensive and state that you are asking him to choose between you and his son. He feels he is doing the right thing and you should be supportive and understanding of the situation he is in.

The rest of us can of course see how unhealthy a dynamic this is. And how he is actually enabling his sons poor attitude. But to stand up to it and change his stance means he could risk losing his son.

Equally as the partner in this situation, it is intensely annoying as you are available and prepared to put your partner first. Your partner however is not able to.

IMO you have a choice.

Continue with your plans, marry him, buy a place together. But accept that this dynamic is in place and is part and parcel of your partner. It will not disappear.

Pause the house purchase/ house sale and ask yourself if this is really what you want.
You say this 18 year old is not welcome in your house now. Well what happens when you both have one house? Will he be banned from that house too? How will that work? Is your partner prepared to marry someone and live with someone who won’t allow their child in their home? Or will that result in resentment that will undermine the relationship.

I have to confess, even if my children turned out to be horrific human beings. I don’t think I could ever say ‘you’re not welcome in my home’.
So how will your partner say that to his son?

[Sicario]

Nightmare, but not uncommon. This situation is unlikely to change. Your partner hates dealing with it, you hate dealing with it, and your stepson doesn't give a shit and hates your guts. Maybe he'll change his tune when he's an adult (like 35 or something), but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Why do you want to get married? What will you do if you buy a house together then the stepson decides he wants to move in?

If you buy a house together, you will no longer be able to uphold your own boundaries regarding his son. I would think very, very carefully about joining your properties.

[Sara2117]

I really feel for you. My stepson is also 18 and we have always got on ok. However last year he came to stay with us for his 18th and brought his new girlfriend. Practically the first word out of her mouth was cunt. I was quite shocked as this it not a word my sons would use (they are 28) in front of me. I had recently taken one of my pensions and completely decorated our cottage, had new carpet and flooring fitted. Unbeknown to me the girlfriend took photos of everything and showed them to my husbands ex (of 17 years). We then received a text from her demanding we double maintenance payments to the 2 boys; the younger is 17. We refused as what we pay is fair and always been paid and on time. So she opened a case with the cms and we are now in that hell that dealing with them brings.

We hardly see the boys now as felt really let down by older sons behaviour.

Please note that I am not getting into an argument about maintenance.

[Teenangels]

I have said that he will not be welcome into our home, and my partner agrees.
No one would be welcome in our home, who has no respect for me and my children. If he changes his behaviour then he is more than welcome into our home, this is not a decision we took lightly but as he doesn’t want anything to do with me or acknowledge my partners and I relationship I don’t think he would want to come into our home.
Even when I was not on the scene, my partners son didn’t really stay with him as his mother insisted at 11yr old that his only home was with her and that if my partner wanted him to stay then they should get back together.

[sassbott]

Wow. I’m normally exceptionally supportive of all tough situations and I have no insight into what this must be like.

Fair play for you for setting out your non negotiables so clearly. You absolutely have every right to demand respect if someone is in your home. I agree with you.

If however I was in your partners shoes and someone said to me your child is not welcome in our home. I couldn’t ever set up home with them as I know that would undermine my relationship and my resentments would eat away at me and I would punish that person (even though I had signed up to it). Are you sure this won’t happen to you? I seriously cannot imagine any parent being ok with this.

[Teenangels]

@Sassbot
I totally understand what you are saying but he doesn’t see his regularly, his son only calls when he wants money or a lift as neither his mum or him drive.
As I have so very clearly stated he will not be allowed in my home, when he calls me the c word and my daughters fat c£7t, lied, spat at me... if his attitude changes he will be welcome into our home.
If my 20 year old did this to my partner, he would also not be allowed into the house.
Would you allow someone so hostile into your children’s home?

[Teenangels]

@sassbott
I have a duty of care to safeguard my children

[sassbott]

Oh lord no. Of course I wouldn’t. I agree with you whole heartedly. But I also probably wouldn’t set up home with someone in this situation either.

It’s so deeply tricky. And such a personal call. But if your partner is unequivocal and agrees with your view wholeheartedly then it’s much easier

[HeckyPeck]

I have said that he will not be welcome into our home, and my partner agrees.

I’d be concerned that your partner has consistently shown that he is unable to stand up to his son.

If his son says he needs somewhere to stay I can’t see any way that your partner would say no.

He might be pretending he would, or he might believe he would, but his behaviour so far says he would give in. Probably without even putting up any kind of resistance.

I’d think twice about selling up and the future of the relationship at all.

[7yo7yo]

Your DP is never going to have your back over that of his child.
Why would you want to buy a house with someone like this?
Put your kids first. Once you buy a house jointly you can’t stop your partner inviting his son.

[SnowsInWater]

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation, but most people here are focusing on the fact that the 18yo is an adult and should behave as such. Trouble is, kids don't suddenly turn into adults on their 18th birthdays in any way other than by legal definition. The neuroscience research out there these days seems to be saying that boys' brains are not fully developed until into their 20s so expecting rational adult behaviour from them is doomed from the start. To me this young person needs some psychological support to help him deal with having a toxic mother who has done a great job in making dad the bad guy. Asking for lifts and money is probably the only way he knows how to connect; the day his dad says no is the day that his mum can go "see, I told you he doesn't care".

Horrible situation for everyone with no easy answers. Good luck x

[MellowBird85]

@SnowsInWater - Expecting rational adult behaviour from an 18 yo male is one thing but expecting not to be spat at in the face and called a fat c**t is another! Bollocks to the “neuroscience research”, he’s a complete arsehole! Where should OP and DH draw the line then...when he starts physically attacking them?!

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths people will go to excuse and defend stepkid behaviour. This lad needs holding to account for his diabolical behaviour if there is any hope of him becoming a functioning member of society. Anything else is pandering and enabling.

[Teenangels]

@mellowbird85
Thank you it’s great to see that someone understands, I also have 2 sons 20 and 18 and they would not dream of behaving in such a way!.
What his son needs to learn is the only 2 people that he is hurting is him and his dad!
I am afraid that at this moment in time his behaviour has no impact on me.
I think what posters seem to forget is this young man at the moment will not have anything to do with me so he certainly would not ask to move into our house.
As I have said all along is that I would treat him exactly the same as my children, if he would be civil.

[LatentPhase]

The problem isn’t your boundaries you’ve agreed with your DP (which are fine and reasonable) but rather that there is more to this - that DP (feeling backed into a corner) is prepared to go on feeding this cycle of behaviour at the expense of your relationship and time together.

Also. Things change. Circumstances. Decisions. He might say ‘no’ to him coming here now, but in future things could be different. What if something happens to DSS’s mum, he’s out on his arse. What then? Will you be forced to move out?

[Teenangels]

Can I ask why everyone think that I would move out of the house, it will be my family home? Why would 5 people become homeless 2 under the age of 18 because my stepson wanted to move in?
My stepson could move in if his behaviour changes just because he is a stepchild, our us new partners expected to put up with toxic behaviour?
My children have accepted my new partner, he may sometimes piss them off but they have forged a relationship with him, my ex partner has never bad mouthed my partner and would dream of it. Yet it’s fine for the child’s mum to put every obstacle in the way.
I also hate that my partner is seen as wonderful that he has “taken” on my children but I am the evil step mum who comes second best to anything.

[Teenangels]

Sorry for the typo’s on a packed train and press post before I previewed it.