My 14 yr old DS can't stand his Step brother & my DH can't rise above it

[Subgirl]

I've been with my DH for 5yrs & married for nearly 2. My 14 year old son loves & worships his SD but he cannot stand his step brother who is also 14. The two boys are polar opposites, my DS is political, bright and geeky, my DSS is sporty and delightfully daft but not too clever.
My DH gets furious that my son doesn't like his and can be very angry about it, as a result their relationship has now deteriorated to just ignoring each other. My son is very hurt by this but his teenage perspective means that he won't see that if he could change his attitude to his step brother then my DHs behaviour to him would be better. I am stuck in the middle and my DH seems incapable of rising above it. He is extremely protective of his DS in all things and feels that by being kind to my DS he is somehow condoning the dislike he feels and being disloyal to his own child.
I feel utterly stuck and I don't know how to fix this, I know it's really hard for my DH but I also see my DS suffering from the loss of his relationship with his step dad. I just don't know what to do.

[Juells]

Obviously the OP hasn't liked the replies she's had :(

My DSS does make the most of the friction and has deliberately wound things up by telling my DH that my DS has said or done something mean to him.

A boy has told his father that another boy has done something mean to him. That's not making the most of the friction, that's a child talking to his father.

The OP is allowing her son to create a toxic atmosphere for the poor stepson :(

[JenniferJareau]

I am stuck in the middle

One thing you can do is insist on basic manners and politeness from both boys. They don't have to like each other, they don't have to socialise together but basic manners and not telling tales would be a start.

[Juells]

not telling tales would be a start.

Not telling tales is such a weird idea, and should never be applied to children who are being placed by adults in stressful situations. Isn't it basic safeguarding that children should be able to talk to adults they trust?

That stepson is being forced to stay regularly in a house that's not his home, where another boy is bullying him. Ignoring someone and not talking to them is a way of bullying.

He'll be old enough soon to refuse to visit his father.

[larrygrylls]

Well, children are not adults and do have things imposed upon them that they don’t like. They cannot divorce their parents, for example.

The OP has every right to marry someone she loves and create a home for all the children.

Children do need to learn the art of rubbing along with people they don’t necessarily have much in common with. It is a valuable lesson for life. Personally both boys need to be given a stern talk along the above lines and any rudeness dealt with by meaningful sanctions (in the same way you would with normal siblings). The OP’s husband clearly cannot be really friendly with someone who blanks his son; that would send a very negative message to his own son.

I would have thought different boys would rub along better than similar ones who would compete for the same space.

[Juells]

both boys need to be given a stern talk along the above lines and any rudeness dealt with by meaningful sanctions (in the same way you would with normal siblings).

Why do both boys need a stern talk? If the OP is to be believed her son is horrible to the step-son and does mean things to him, and when the step-son tells his father about it he's accused of 'winding things up'.

Seems like the step-son can't win, unless he allows himself to be bullied and never breathes a word about it. And takes a stern talking-to about his behaviour as well 😕

[MycatsaPirate]

You need a family meeting.

Your DS sounds bloody rude and having been repeatedly ignored by one of my DSD's for a long time, I know how your DSS feels.

He needs to stop being so horrible and perhaps carve some family time out once a week/fortnight where all four of you do something together. Take it in turns to choose what. But the boys needs to sort things out (while your DS is mostly to blame for this, your DSS clearly feeds on this behaviour and pushes things further).

And your DH needs to understand that it's really not fun being stuck between three males all trying to out-alpha each other.

I'd be making my anger and frustration clear at all of them, but especially your DS. That behaviour is completely rude and unacceptable. Tell him he needs to grow up.

[JenniferJareau]

Not telling tales is such a weird idea, and should never be applied to children who are being placed by adults in stressful situations. Isn't it basic safeguarding that children should be able to talk to adults they trust?

Telling tales is completely different from disclosing a more serious issues. In this case the DSS inflames the situation by tattling when something mean is said.

[Juells]

In this case the DSS inflames the situation by tattling when something mean is said.

If your child is being bullied at school you'd expect him or her to tell you. Why do all the rules change, and it becomes 'tattling' and 'tale-telling', when the child is being bullied by people in a house where he appears not to be welcome, only there on sufferance? This is a child, who is in a horrible powerless situation.

[JenniferJareau]

If your child is being bullied at school you'd expect him or her to tell you. Why do all the rules change, and it becomes 'tattling' and 'tale-telling', when the child is being bullied by people in a house where he appears not to be welcome, only there on sufferance? This is a child, who is in a horrible powerless situation.

That's not what I meant at all.

I get the impression that the dss is using this to shit stir not voice genuine issues which of course should be raised in normal circumstances.

Happy yo retract if OP says I have interpreted this incorrectly.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

I think the way OP describes both children is very telling.

[MargueritaPink]

The OP has every right to marry someone she loves and create a home for all the children

Why does that give her the right to insist the 2 boys must be friends or that they must participate together in activities?

If the step brother is coming to see his father why should the OP's son be roped into spending time with the other boy?

This is all about the adults playing happy families and the pretence that these boys are siblings.

[Juells]

This is all about the adults playing happy families and the pretence that these boys are siblings.

I'd expect a 14-year-old to be able to understand and empathise with the situation that the other boy is in, and if he doesn't stop with the ignoring and being nasty it will impact on the adults' relationship. I wouldn't stay with someone whose child was being mean to to mine :(

[Quartz2208]

It sounds like the initial blending was mishandled - your son was desperate for a father figure and latched onto his SD. He didnt like his SB visiting and his SB didnt like the fact that his Dad was spending the majority of the time with another boy


What is interesting OP is that you base this on being different personality types your DS is bright political and geeky and your SS is sporty but stupid. But that isnt the heart of the issue - its that overtime the jealousy and resentment between the two has not been addressed and has been allowed to grow. Now your DH is simply making it worse by his attitude.

All three of them need to understand the others and get an outlook perspective I think otherwise it is just going to get worse

[Juells]

All three of them

The OP is in this as well, taking sides.

[MargueritaPink]

and if he doesn't stop with the ignoring and being nasty it will impact on the adults' relationship. I wouldn't stay with someone whose child was being mean to to mine

I don't recall the OP being specific about what exactly her son has done. Her son continuing to do his own thing/ seeing his own friends when this boy is there / not being interested in this boy is not being mean.

How would you like a friend chosen by someone else to be foisted on you? OP's son should be polite but beyond that the stepson is there to visit his father , not the OP's son.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

@MargueritaPink he doesn't even acknowledge his step brother. He won't even say hello or goodbye. You know basic decent human interactions.

They don't have to be best friends. They just don't have to treat each other like shit.

[Juells]

I don't recall the OP being specific about what exactly her son has done. Her son continuing to do his own thing/ seeing his own friends when this boy is there / not being interested in this boy is not being mean.

Let's see...
My 14 yr old DS can't stand his Step brother

my son doesn't like his

He just ignores him, he won't even show common courtesy of hellos and good byes.

My DSS does make the most of the friction and has deliberately wound things up by telling my DH that my DS has said or done something mean to him. - or to put it another way "My DS does and says mean things to him, and it's not fair that the DSS tells his father."

[MargueritaPink]

Let's see...
My 14 yr old DS can't stand his Step brother

And so what? Why should he like him? Why on earth should he be expected to like his mother's boyfriend's son?

my son doesn't like his And again - why should he?

He just ignores him, he won't even show common courtesy of hellos and good byes

Big deal really. Yes he should say hello and goodbye but beyond that why should he take any interest in this boy ? He isn't a sibling; he isn't a friend. Why are OP and her man so determined these boys have to join in with their game of happy families? The stepson is there to see his father - why can't the OP's son not be left alone to do what he wants whilst they get on with their father and son relationship?

[Juells]

why can't the OP's son not be left alone to do what he wants whilst they get on with their father and son relationship?

If the visiting boy was my child I'd be going to court to prevent the visits on the grounds of bullying. No child should have to go through that in order to have time with a parent.

[MargueritaPink]

the visiting boy was my child I'd be going to court to prevent the visits on the grounds of bullying. No child should have to go through that in order to have time with a parent

Oh don't be ridiculous. Go through what? He is there to see his father-- not this boy

[MargueritaPink]

It is a basic expectation that members of a family treat one another with consideration and respect. At 14 he is more than old enough to be expected to adhere to this and stop being such a bully.

But many of you are insisting on far more than that- all these ridiculous suggestions of fun activities together. The OP hasn't given specific examples of bullying- you are assuming that. The OP's son saying "hi" and then going to his room or going out with his friends is neither bullying or rude.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

But he's refusing to even say Hi.

[Juells]

The OP's son saying "hi" and then going to his room or going out with his friends is neither bullying or rude.

Have you read the OP's posts? The whole point is that her son doesn't say Hi, ignores the other boy completely. That's a well-recognised bullying tactic.