My 14 yr old DS can't stand his Step brother & my DH can't rise above it

[Subgirl]

I've been with my DH for 5yrs & married for nearly 2. My 14 year old son loves & worships his SD but he cannot stand his step brother who is also 14. The two boys are polar opposites, my DS is political, bright and geeky, my DSS is sporty and delightfully daft but not too clever.
My DH gets furious that my son doesn't like his and can be very angry about it, as a result their relationship has now deteriorated to just ignoring each other. My son is very hurt by this but his teenage perspective means that he won't see that if he could change his attitude to his step brother then my DHs behaviour to him would be better. I am stuck in the middle and my DH seems incapable of rising above it. He is extremely protective of his DS in all things and feels that by being kind to my DS he is somehow condoning the dislike he feels and being disloyal to his own child.
I feel utterly stuck and I don't know how to fix this, I know it's really hard for my DH but I also see my DS suffering from the loss of his relationship with his step dad. I just don't know what to do.

[Subgirl]

Thank you all for your supportive and helpful comments, most of which I agree with. I appreciate your suggestions most of which I have tried but will now try again.
Thank you

[HotSauceCommittee]

From your DH’s perspective, it sounds like he doesn’t get to see his son all the time, like he does with your son.
Imagine thinking, “oh, I haven’t seen DS all week, I’m really looking forward to seeing him”. Then it’s all ruined because of a bad atmosphere and bad manners and another week goes by until you see him again?
Does DH need to just spend time with DSS? Take him out for the day and treat him? Or you take DS out of the way for a bit?

[HotSauceCommittee]

There’s no point in them all spending time together in a bad atmosphere.

[spudlet7]

Your son needs to display basic manners to his stepbrother. That said, your DH is punishing a child by withholding love and affection, which is very very wrong. I think you need to tackle that first then deal with your son together.

[Lightofday]

Did they move into your home? Perhaps your kid feels like his territory is being taken over? Or he doesn't get enough space/Alone time. I certainly wouldn't want another teen boy suddenly showing up in my space. Either way, the problem is step dad. Your two kids have every right to not like each other and as long as they aren't beating eachother up, I'd leave them to it. Dad however is a grownup and doesn't get to take huffs, or sides. You need to tell him it is not OK for him to treat your child that way and that he has to lead by example or leave, his choice. He doesn't have to be besties with your kid but he has to at least be pleasant. HE isn't 14 so there's no excuse.

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

If your son is being mean to his step brother then he is quite right to tell his father about it. Is it your son that's causing the friction by being mean - not your step son for telling about it. Are you being biased?

I'm not surprised your partner is upset. Why aren't you telling your son off for his lack of manners?

[user1486915549]

Your son sounds very jealous of the fact that his SD spends time with his own son.
Could your DH spend some time with his son separately, does he come EOW ? Your son , sad as it is , has to realise that his SD has a son of his own.
I think they both need to be told you expect better manners in your house. Your DH isn’t dealing with it very well though. The “ if you ignore my son then I’ll ignore you “ is unpleasant and juvenile.

[HeckyPeck]

It sounds like they’re both ignoring each other?

It does need resolving so they’re at least polite to each other.

If your DH is going to continue to ignore your son (when presumably you’re not ignoring your DSS) I’d be seriously thinking about whether living together is the best environment for everyone.

Imagine growing up in a home where the adult who stepped in as your father now ignores you a mutual dislike between you and your step brother. That’s not a liveable situation.

[Livelovebehappy]

Ignoring is a form of bullying in this situation. Your ds probably thinks if he makes things as crap as possible for your diss when he visits, that he might stop coming altogether. Your dss will always come first in your Dhs life, and rightly so. Maybe try to re-establish some contact between your ds and his real father? Your ds can’t be that bright if he thinks his current behaviour is ok.

[Longtalljosie]

I’m confused as to why your DH has to rise above it? You need to work as a team, sit your DS down and tell him he doesn’t get to treat your DSS like that.

[Doobydoobeedoo]

"My DSS does make the most of the friction and has deliberately wound things up by telling my DH that my DS has said or done something mean to him."

So you're blaming your DSS for not suffering in silence? Your comments about him being daft and "not too clever" make it sound as though you're not all that keen on him either.

I think your DH needs to try to rise above it but I think I too would struggle to be friendly to someone who was so unwelcoming and unpleasant to my child.

[NabooThatsWho]

I can’t believe you have allowed your son to behave this way for so long. His behaviour is rude and nasty. DSS has done nothing wrong and deserves to feel comfortable in his own home.

You say DSS winds up the situation by telling his dad when your son is mean to him. What planet are you on?

[NabooThatsWho]

‘Makes the most of the friction’....um yeah, the friction that YOUR SON has caused.

Stop letting your son be a brat, seriously.

[MistressDeeCee]

Has DS started ignoring DSS due to him telling lies then? DS probably thinks it’s easier to ignore him and then he can’t be accused of anything

^This.

Why is DSS behaviour in this way acceptable, but your DS not buying into it, isn't?

I don't think it's a good idea to show your son that in life he must put up with unpleasant behaviour towards him and be the people pleaser/peacekeeper in all this.

I do understand there's likely jealousy on both boys part, centred around your husband.

Your husband does seem heavy handed on this though. But it's his son so understandable I guess.

You could have a word with both and tell them basic civility is a must. On both sides. You can't force anything beyond that though after all, you'd not like it if someone lied about you and others thought you were compelled to have a friendship with them.

& you can't force people to like each other.

[Oblomov19]

Good grief. Why did you even get married. Surely this was a problem before? You seem surprised by this, but it's been brewing for ages.

[Annasgirl]

Why are you still with DH? I would not stay with a man who treated my DS like this. I cannot understand the people telling you your DS is in the wrong - your DH is the one in the wrong. Honestly, why do people with DC marry people who are not the biological parents?

[Ooogetyooo]

Your own sons intense jealous feelings are being ignored by your dh. Your dh is expecting your boy to be an adult. He's still learning and is 14. Why can't your dh rise above it and try to reassure your boy in a more sensitive way. It never ceases to amaze me how dismissive people can be of teenagers and their feelings. It's like we expect them to be reasonable and have all this shit worked out. I'd say getting together when you each have a boy the same age was always going to be difficult. You and your dh need to take responsibility for the position you've put the boys in .

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I just think you need to sit down together and talk about it. Tell them they are 14 now, too old to be acting like sulky little kids are there are minimum standards of civilised behaviour you will expect from them regardless of how well they get on.

You also need to agree with your DH to treat both boys exactly the same: no taking sides, no ignoring.

[MargueritaPink]

Your two kids have every right to not like each other and as long as they aren't beating eachother up, I'd leave them to it.

I feel sorry for your son. He didn't choose this situation. Why should you and your new man expect that your son has to be friends with or spend time with new man's son?

[SandyY2K]

You need to have a chat with your son and let him know that his SD and he may have a better relationship if his attitude towards his SB changed.

Try asking how he would feel if someone wasn't very nice to you and ignored you. Would he still be nice to that person?

If someone ignored my child, I wouldn't feel that positive towards them either. Even if that person was a child.

[CantStopMeNow]

I think you're minimising your dc's behaviour, making excuses for him and trying to blame anyone but him for this situation.

Your son is jealous of his step-brother.
Your son is behaving like a nasty bully towards his step brother.
Your son DOES know he's doing wrong but doesn't care...and most probably never gets pulled up or disciplined by you for it either.
He sounds like a spoilt brat who is used to having everything his own way and being mollycoddled.

My DSS does make the most of the friction and has deliberately wound things up by telling my DH that my DS has said or done something mean to him
No - he's telling his dad about your son's bully behaviour!

I know it's really hard for my DH but I also see my DS suffering from the loss of his relationship with his step dad
Your son is responsible for his actions and if he doesn't like the consequences then he knows to change his behaviour.
Why on earth do you expect your dh to tolerate his son being bullied?
Why do you expect your dh to treat your son with the respect and consideration that it being denied his son?

If i were your DH i would leave with my child.

[HollowTalk]

Your poor stepson. He has to come to see his dad at a place where he lives with another boy his age. The other boy is horrible to him. He tells his dad and then his stepmother thinks he's in the wrong for that.

You know that one day he'll stop coming round, don't you? And your husband will never think the same of your son afterwards. Everyone will be a loser.

[Haggisfish]

How would you feel if your parents split up and you were forced to live with someone you really didn’t like at all? I feel for both boys and think this is another example of adults putting their own needs before that of their children.

[DorindaLestrange]

I'm sorry, I just can't believe you let your son behave like this.

Your poor stepson. He sees his dad part-time. In the meantime his dad lives full-time with another boy his age who can't bring himself to accept his visits TO HIS OWN DAD - and hasn't even got the basic manners to behave decently?!

And when your stepson told his dad about your son's bullying behaviour, you thought it was your STEPSON who was out of line?!

Your DH shouldn't have to accept this situation. The situation should not be happening: your son is behaving in a rude and cruel way which should not be tolerated either by your DH or by you.

Sorry about all the screaming capital letters, but it's truly hard to believe your take on this.

Let's be really clear: the problem is not your husband's behaviour or your stepson's behaviour. The problem is your son's behaviour and the fact that you tolerate it. It's truly shocking.

[DeaflySilence]

"he won't even show common courtesy of hellos and good byes"

Are you okay with that, @Subgirl? Would you let your son behave that way towards anyone else who came into your home, or someone at school, an adult perhaps, or maybe a colleagues child?