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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

My 14 yr old DS can't stand his Step brother & my DH can't rise above it

101 replies

Subgirl · 17/02/2019 11:37

I've been with my DH for 5yrs & married for nearly 2. My 14 year old son loves & worships his SD but he cannot stand his step brother who is also 14. The two boys are polar opposites, my DS is political, bright and geeky, my DSS is sporty and delightfully daft but not too clever.
My DH gets furious that my son doesn't like his and can be very angry about it, as a result their relationship has now deteriorated to just ignoring each other. My son is very hurt by this but his teenage perspective means that he won't see that if he could change his attitude to his step brother then my DHs behaviour to him would be better. I am stuck in the middle and my DH seems incapable of rising above it. He is extremely protective of his DS in all things and feels that by being kind to my DS he is somehow condoning the dislike he feels and being disloyal to his own child.
I feel utterly stuck and I don't know how to fix this, I know it's really hard for my DH but I also see my DS suffering from the loss of his relationship with his step dad. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

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Itsallpeachyfornow · 18/02/2019 11:39

People are so bloody judgemental, obviously OP is not happy with her son's behaviour which she has stated and why she has posted in the first place.

I personally think it is your husband that needs to act like an adult and stop ignoring a 14 year old child who he has to live with full time.

I would sit the boys down and talk to them, if this fails as another poster has suggested and tell them you will all need to go to family therapy as this cannot continue.

I also do not think it is right that so many of you are calling this child a BULLY... he is obviously struggling with his emotions and needs support

MargueritaPink · 18/02/2019 13:23

I feel sorry for both boys. The parents want to play happy families and are foisting these boys on each other.

OP's son has no obligation to this boy other than to be polite- he has no obligation to like him or want to spend time with him.

woolduvet · 18/02/2019 13:33

I think you need an honest meeting with ds and dh, with house rules, the way we speak to each other etc.
Then another with dss, where you reiterate rules.
A fresh start, if they can't manage it then they don't earn pocket money.
Can you set up fun activities for them both.

MargueritaPink · 18/02/2019 13:52

can you set up fun activities for them both

Why? The OP and her new man chose to do fun activities together. These boys didn't - why should they be forced to be friends?

Itsallpeachyfornow · 18/02/2019 13:57

@woolduvet very good idea, find something both boys can enjoy and help them to find some common ground

No use saying why force them, op and partner are not splitting up so what's the alternative but to try make it work and make all of their lives more comfortable

woolduvet · 18/02/2019 14:00

They don't have to be friends. There are blood siblings who aren't friends. But if I could help my children improve their relationship I would.

MargueritaPink · 18/02/2019 14:03

Why should these boys be forced to be friends? OP and her man can play happy families if they want but what gives them the right to force the boys to do so?

I don't think either boy has any obligation to the other beyond a general politeness. "Making it work" can and should be the adults recognising the boys have nothing in common and that is perfectly fine.

Itsallpeachyfornow · 18/02/2019 14:06

They don't have to be the best of friends, it would have happened naturally by now out of choice but what's the harm in finding common ground like you would have to as an adult in a workplace. It's very unhealthy as it is and I certainly would not tolerate my partner ignoring my son as this can't be helping matters

Itsallpeachyfornow · 18/02/2019 14:09

Also just to put it out there shoe on the other foot situation

"If it was the stepchild acting up and OP ignoring him im sure the comments would be completely different"

Itsallpeachyfornow · 18/02/2019 14:10

@margueritapink that last post was not in response to you but about this thread in general x

Phuquocdreams · 18/02/2019 14:15

I do feel very sorry for your son. He has no dad, he has tried to put his SD in that place, but at the end of the day, his SD is not his dad and does not love him (and will love him less due to his behaviour to his own son). I would say in the circumstances he is wildly jealous of your SS who does have a dad who loves him.
I really don’t know what the answer is. Counseling?

Phuquocdreams · 18/02/2019 14:18

But yes, your dh ignoring him is I would say making matters a lot worse.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 18/02/2019 14:30

Not necessarily if the step child was acting like a spoilt bully my reply would be not to engage and ignore the behaviour.

Itsallpeachyfornow · 18/02/2019 14:53

Surely ignoring a child continuously in a home they share is not healthy and an adult should understand this

If it was a one off incident then yes ignore bad behaviour but not for long periods of time (what is this achieving)

HeckyPeck · 18/02/2019 16:37

the problem is not your husband's behaviour or your stepson's behaviour.

Ignoring a child who lives in your home is definitely problem behaviour.

MargueritaPink · 18/02/2019 16:56

but what's the harm in finding common ground like you would have to as an adult in a workplace

It is nothing like being in a workplace. The OP and her new man have foisted this situation on the boys and want them all to play happy families.

The parents have no right to insist the boys are anything more than polite to each other. It is no different from trying to force a child to be friends with another child at school when a child does not want to. The common ground is the parents wanting to pretend this is one big happy family.

MargueritaPink · 18/02/2019 17:00

Surely ignoring a child continuously in a home they share is not healthy and an adult should understand this

Why isn't It? The OP's son isn't responsible for this situation. The other boys isn't his brother- why should the OP's son be expected to get involved with the other boy
.
How would you feel if another adult was brought into your house with no discussion but you were expected to hang around and spend time with them?

XmasPostmanBos · 18/02/2019 17:02

I don't agree it's just a matter of making your ds be polite to his stepbrother. I think it goes deeper than that and you would all benefit from some good family therapy if this can be arranged.

slipperywhensparticus · 18/02/2019 17:03

Can we be clear is step son reporting things your son is actually doing or is he lying? Exaggerating? Making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Itsallpeachyfornow · 18/02/2019 17:05

@margueritapink ok so what are you suggesting here?

The boys used to get on fine and now they don't.. so OP should end her relationship and fuck off with her son to live a happy life.. utterly ridiculous

This is not a new relationship

woollyheart · 18/02/2019 17:21

Your DH is not showing a very good example to your son.

If they are very different and just don't like each other, that is tough. DH should rise above it.

MargueritaPink · 18/02/2019 17:35

If they are very different and just don't like each other, that is tough. DH should rise above it

Exactly.

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MargueritaPink · 18/02/2019 17:42

The boys used to get on fine and now they don't.. so OP should end her relationship and fuck off with her son to live a happy life.. utterly ridiculous

Well it would be ridiculous if that was what I said but I didn't.

The boys now they don't get on.Presumably the OP used to get on fine with her former partner and her current man got on fine with his former partner. OP and her man aren't being forced to spend time with and hang around with someone they don't like and don't get on with. Yet they are insisting the boys must.

The OP can reasonably ask for politeness, respect for each boys personal space, no bullying and that's it. She has no right to insist these boys have to spend time together or be friends.

twattymctwatterson · 18/02/2019 18:20

The op has been with her DH for 5 years. He's not the "new man" (I note the snide ness). Do people think that lone parents should just never be allowed to have a relationship again? Because I've remained single for six years so that DD didn't get confused when she was younger but I certainly don't intend to be alone until my 5 year old is 18

MargueritaPink · 18/02/2019 18:31

Do people think that lone parents should just never be allowed to have a relationship again?

Have I said that? They should however recognise that their children might not like their new partner or their new "siblings". The children aren't given any choice in the matter. Politeness fine, as they would be to anyone- being bestest friends with their new "siblings" just because new daddy wants that? No.

As I said it's somewhat ironic the OP and her man are allowed to change their mind about former partners they used to get on with but their children have to suck it up.

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