When do you say enough is enough

[Stepmum3]

Hi all,

I am mum and step mum to six children. My eldest step son(16) recently attacked (punched strangled) my partner the first since July 2017. They used to be more common prior to this. However, since I said he will have to go if it continues this has kept a lid on it. He has been to counselling, however as the counsellor recommended not seeing his mum he quit this is based entirely on the info shared by him. He then tried other things but quit those too.

The recent incident I wasn’t home and got a call from my daughter saying my partner and SS were fighting and my youngest two Step children were present and crying.

Step son has a real attitude problem and thought he would go live with his mum after this recent incident but she couldn’t accommodate him due to the size of her flat so he has gone to live with his dads mum. Ss mum called the police on my partner about him not bringing clothes to her flat when she stated. Now the police are looking at my partner being a victim of an assault. Which of course my partner doesn’t want to proceed with.

My partner feels I am being unfair by saying we can’t really have him back. Of course SS has promised to do counselling again but he has attempted this 3 other times and quit early on.
I also take issue whilst SS can run off to him mums or nans we will never get him to behave. Whilst he stays with nan he is treated like a prince. Whereas mum is not very well off and this would of been a real challenge for him. I told my partner his mum should of said no as he would of had to return to us or force his mum to keep him. So then he would then have to comply with our rules.

However, my partner and I are not getting on because he feels I am being unfair. I am currently feeling like calling it a day. I am so over it. I don’t think any of our children should have to witness violence or walk on egg shells but this is how we will feel. I also, have my own angry child who is 11 now to the same extent yet and I always consequent his behaviour and even follow my partners consequences for him. However, with eldest SS I feel like he is treated like a prince by all.

Anyone able to share some wisdom.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

You and your DP have a duty of care to all of the kids in your household, to keep them safe. Witnessing violence and abuse is abusive in itself, and they are not safe.

You are right to know this is wrong OP, and your DP is failing his younger children. Before any other decisions are made, you need to move your kids physically to keep them totally out of any violence, and also get advice about the younger step kids from social services.

[Perfectpeony]

As someone who was in a dysfunctional, volatile ‘blended’ household it took its toll on me and I am still resentful even as an adult.

You and your partner don’t have to break up but I would suggest taking your children and living separately. This situation isn’t working and you need to put your children first.

[TooSassy]

Op, your DC cannot be witness to this DV, it must be absolutely terrifying for them.

Second of all, if you don't do something, your 11 year old is on track to replicate the behaviours he is seeing the 16 year old do. Do you want this?

Finally, if any of the younger DC go into school and report this, do you risk an investigation being opened up on you as a family? Child services will take this very seriously and your own DC could very end up on child services radar. Do you want this?

Don't normalise any of this behaviour OP. Its not ok and your poor children must be petrified.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

There’s attitude and then there’s serious violence that the police want to prosecute. Different things.

None of you are safe around him and your partner is being horrendous neglectful suggesting the younger children are safe with him in your home, especially when he has other options of where to stay.

Who gives a crap about him thinking you’re unfair?!

Prioritise your safety, all of the children’s safety and the sanctity of your home.

This one is worth making a fuss about, it’s a deal breaker keeping violence away from vulnerable children.

[Stepmum3]

He thinks because I don’t really want him back in my home I am unfair. Personally I would happily let my partner leave me with his two youngest I can’t bear for them to think this is normal.

[SandyY2K]

I feel for the younger children who live with this.

How does your partner think you're being unfair?

Can he not stay at his Grans house?

[KPjoenix]

Call it a day. It would be a complex difficult situation even with a partner who was on board. Limit the damage to your own kids and go. Sorry.

[Jagblue]

Such a hard decision for all of you. You are all living a domestic violence situation.
You can't rescue your partner but hopefully you can avoid the escalation of violence with your own son.
Most be heart breaking to see your partner being attack but he is tolerating violent behaviour.
Until he sees that you are all suffering as a result nothing it's going to change.
The 16 year old hasn't seen consequences for his awful behaviour.

[Stepmum3]

Sorry just to clarify he left because he attacked his dad. Not his attitude and the attitude is almost on par with goading his father who in fairness never touches him. The violence was ongoing when he lived with dad and Grandma.

[Aprilislonggone]

Ime most teenagers have attitude problems somewhere along the way. Wanting to pack them off is really not the answer..
For all concerned you need to split up imo.
It doesn't sound a healthy environment for anyone concerned.

[Stepmum3]

Sorry noticed some errors. I think nan should of said no to him not my SS mum. My partners mum. Also meant not to the same extent.