Struggling to be a stepmum

[Emmeline2]

Sorry this is going to make me sound like a selfish b but I really need help and advice so here goes- I met my partner at work. He has two children from a previous marriage. I don’t have any children however I really want to. He had a vasectomy while with his ex wife. Before we started a relationship, i was hesitant. I didn’t want to be a stepmum and I really wanted a baby of my own. He really wanted me to give step parenting a go and said he would get a vasectomy reversal and I agreed to give the relationship a go as i was head over heels and really wanted to be with him. Fast forward nearly two years. He has had a vasectomy reversal as discussed, that was 8 months ago. He had a recent SA which showed low motility. It has improved since the first SA at 3 months post op however still low enough to be classed as not fertile. This devastates both of us. Every time my period comes i have a day or so of being really down and depressed. Then i pick myself back up and move on to the next month. I think I just keep hoping for a miracle each month. As for my stepchildren, they are lovely, as all children are they are a pain in the bum at times but on the whole they are lovely people. I get on well with them although I do miss child free weekends. I want to be having romantic time with my partner but they are always there on days off, apart from the odd few pre planned days. I suppose I resent the fact that they are depriving us of having any spontaneous time. I know all that will go away if we have a baby of our own but we have never experienced that time to ourselves just the two of us. As much as they are lovely people they do my head in at times, stupid behaviour etc and i take them to their clubs when I’d much rather be doing something fun on our weekend. I do care for them and this sounds terrible but I suppose I resent them and my partner because if he hadn’t had them, he wouldn’t have had a vasectomy. I told my partner i wouldn’t leave him if we could never have a child but I would have my times when i was down about it and although i would never outwardly show it to his children, I probably would resent them and resent him. He says I’m being completely selfish which is probably true. But I’m desperate for a baby with him so how can he expect me to be happy and watch him do the things with his children that I’ll never get to do or see him do with our own? I don’t want to resent them but I don’t know how i could live a childfree life without them and be content with that. He is contemplating leaving me for feeling this way and says I’m being selfish and another word which I won’t repeat! I would really appreciate any advice.

[swingofthings]

I think this is a perfect instance when counselling is really called for, to give both of you the chance to take a step-back and decide what is best for you as individuals and as a couple/family.

[TexasHeart]

Emmeline2, you aren't selfish and your feelings of resentment are normal, IMO. It sounds like your partner is doing his best to make a baby with you, feels like a failure that he can't, and fears you're going to leave him. In my experience, men don't know how to process all those emotions and it comes out in anger toward us. Meanwhile, we feel selfish for wanting to take care of our own needs and we shouldn't. If you can't conceive and aren't willing to adopt, it could be time to move on. His children aren't a replacement for your own and never will be.

As for his kids, he will always love them unconditionally no matter what and it's hard for men to see and understand that we simply don't. Being a stepmother isn't for sissies, but we aren't bad people if we choose not to do it.

[MrsBobDylan]

Go with your gut - the heart is easily swayed by something and nothing, but your gut is your guide.

[stepmumandmumtobe]

OMG!!! For once I thought this is me talking here. This is such a coincidence that I cant tell you how similar our lives are.

But I would say the only difference between me and you is that I don't resent my DH's kids. I love them, they love me. Its simple as it is.

Bit of a background to actually tell how much of our lives are entwined.
I have 2 DSC, boy (11 and autistic, thought I should mention although that is a completely different ball game with him there) and girl (9). DH and I married an year ago (tom is our anniversary). Prior to that we were dating for almost a year when we decided to tie the knot. He ended his 12 year relationship with his ex (common-law never married) 5 years ago. DH got his vasectomy done 6 years ago. When I met him, he didnt wanna have kids. Of course, I wanted to but I never pushed him. DH saw my relationship with his kids (it was very natural and we bonded very well just after few outings) and felt guilty for me. DH promised he would get a reversal and have a baby with me. I am 29 myself!
We get them EVERY weekend. We NEVER have time for ourselves. I feel you and can tell you that there have been so many times I have felt that I don't get to spend time with my new husband (by that I meant newly married couple, this my first marriage and I dont have any kids other than my DSC). DH's parents and sister have suggested many a times that we should have some time to our own selves. It is very important to build and keep that healthy relationship between partners. Of course parenting is important but so is relationship that you share with your partner.

MY ADVISE: First of all, you are NOT selfish. Second of all, you need to trust your partner. You have to work together as a team. And you have stop being so desperate. Trust me I am crazily dying "to be a mum" but I love my DSC as well. I have a good healthy relationship and over the weekend, from casual full time working wife, I become a very doting and attentive Step mum and I like both my roles. Don't stress on the negativity they bring in your life. They are great kids, really I have learnt that from my own experience. They have done nothing wrong.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Do you have the kids every weekend? If so I do think that is too much. You need regular time for your relationship, as does their mother. I’d be saying strongly EOW. It’s really important. Unfortunately your DP might not agree but it’s just too stressful.

Their mum has every weekend to herself - I’d honestly be wanting to swap and take the Mums role as at least you’d get time with your partner then. You are being asked to be almost full time parent.

And no you should not be putting his kids first! What nonsense. He should be balancing both his kids and you, and you should be balancing you and your relationship with him, he’s the selfish asshole.

I’d seriously be looking for someone who can give you kids. Sorry to be brutal but you must look out for yourself. He sounds like my DP, we had a baby together but really he’s still prioritising his first family and always will. I ended up childminding his kids whilst on maternity leave, very very stressful. Don’t do That! He’s carrying around too much of a load from his first family otherwise he would have had a more sensible arrangement with the kids, and he doesn’t care about having another child.

Find someone who can devote themselves to you and you can have a family without all this stress.

[Sisterlove]

You really should never have entered this relationship, as you didn't want to be a stepmother.

There's nothing wrong with that btw. I wouldn't either.

Don't give up having a child for any man. He has his children. ..they'll never be yours or like yours.

I would personally end it and find a new man.

You're resenting his children which is unfair. ..if course he won't like that. He had them before he knew you.

[Sisterlove]

So I can kind off see how he perceives this.

I told him that though and he has just stormed out my house saying ‘you basically wish they were dead

He put it crudely - but you're essentially saying you wish his DC didn't exist. Yo him that's the same thing.

My brother has 3 children from his first marriage. His 2nd wife is unable to have children naturally. ..she wants them to adopt a baby. When he says he'd only adopt an older child. ..she says it's because he has his own children. His reason is his age. It's like she's resentful of his DC, because she thinks he'd want to adopt a baby if he didn't have them.

To him (my DB) it's as though she wishes he didn't have them.

She's very nice to them and gets on well with them BTW.

[Fruitbat1980]

Frozen pop from the inter web.
Or LTB. You are young, you can start again.
You must do one or other as the resentment will destroy you.

[Lolipop44]

Hi,

I've just turned 30 my husband is 43. He has 2 sons but i don't have any kids. We have been together 11 years and I've helped being his sons up since they were toddlers and i love them to bits. I used to say i didn't want my own kids (i was only 19 though) fast forward almost 11 years now 30 I'd love my own kids but husband says he's to old now to have kids and it wouldn't be fair on a child as he couldn't be the active dad he has been with his 2. I completely feel what your going through. We've argued about it talked about it screamed about it and people say walk away but i adore him and it would break my heart to walk away from his kids. We have his boys 5 nights a week and always have. It's a very hard place to be in and i really feel for you.

I pray everything works out for you and i hope you and your partner conceive

[HeckyPeck]

I think this is a perfect instance when counselling is really called for

Counselling isn't recommended in cases of abuse (verbal or otherwise) as the abuser will then just use the counselling to further control and manipulate the situation.

I'd have to leave in that situation OP, a man who isn't able to have a rational discussion without resorting to name calling and screaming, with a nasty temper is never going to make a good partner or Dad.

You're still young and have plenty of time to find someone capable of resolving issues without screaming/name calling. It's not a normal way to behave in a relationship.

[Phuquocdreams]

You should definitely leave, you’ll be so much happier. Do it ASAP to give you as much time as possible to find a man who you can have a happy life with kids (or a happy child free life). Right now you have the worst of both worlds.

[ClaryFray]

To those people calling you selfish they have clearly not had to deal with infertility. My DPs kids are awesome, and I loved them very much to start with. But with the news that I may never have my own children, all be it I already have one. I find myself feeling resentful of them. The things he's still going through with his two, that I'll never go through again. It's hard, and it doesn't make me a nice person.

Try and broach it in a i feel way. Don't blame the children or there presence but you need to keep communication open with him too.