Struggling to be a stepmum

[Emmeline2]

Sorry this is going to make me sound like a selfish b but I really need help and advice so here goes- I met my partner at work. He has two children from a previous marriage. I don’t have any children however I really want to. He had a vasectomy while with his ex wife. Before we started a relationship, i was hesitant. I didn’t want to be a stepmum and I really wanted a baby of my own. He really wanted me to give step parenting a go and said he would get a vasectomy reversal and I agreed to give the relationship a go as i was head over heels and really wanted to be with him. Fast forward nearly two years. He has had a vasectomy reversal as discussed, that was 8 months ago. He had a recent SA which showed low motility. It has improved since the first SA at 3 months post op however still low enough to be classed as not fertile. This devastates both of us. Every time my period comes i have a day or so of being really down and depressed. Then i pick myself back up and move on to the next month. I think I just keep hoping for a miracle each month. As for my stepchildren, they are lovely, as all children are they are a pain in the bum at times but on the whole they are lovely people. I get on well with them although I do miss child free weekends. I want to be having romantic time with my partner but they are always there on days off, apart from the odd few pre planned days. I suppose I resent the fact that they are depriving us of having any spontaneous time. I know all that will go away if we have a baby of our own but we have never experienced that time to ourselves just the two of us. As much as they are lovely people they do my head in at times, stupid behaviour etc and i take them to their clubs when I’d much rather be doing something fun on our weekend. I do care for them and this sounds terrible but I suppose I resent them and my partner because if he hadn’t had them, he wouldn’t have had a vasectomy. I told my partner i wouldn’t leave him if we could never have a child but I would have my times when i was down about it and although i would never outwardly show it to his children, I probably would resent them and resent him. He says I’m being completely selfish which is probably true. But I’m desperate for a baby with him so how can he expect me to be happy and watch him do the things with his children that I’ll never get to do or see him do with our own? I don’t want to resent them but I don’t know how i could live a childfree life without them and be content with that. He is contemplating leaving me for feeling this way and says I’m being selfish and another word which I won’t repeat! I would really appreciate any advice.

[ClaryFray]

To those people calling you selfish they have clearly not had to deal with infertility. My DPs kids are awesome, and I loved them very much to start with. But with the news that I may never have my own children, all be it I already have one. I find myself feeling resentful of them. The things he's still going through with his two, that I'll never go through again. It's hard, and it doesn't make me a nice person.

Try and broach it in a i feel way. Don't blame the children or there presence but you need to keep communication open with him too.

[Phuquocdreams]

You should definitely leave, you’ll be so much happier. Do it ASAP to give you as much time as possible to find a man who you can have a happy life with kids (or a happy child free life). Right now you have the worst of both worlds.

[HeckyPeck]

I think this is a perfect instance when counselling is really called for

Counselling isn't recommended in cases of abuse (verbal or otherwise) as the abuser will then just use the counselling to further control and manipulate the situation.

I'd have to leave in that situation OP, a man who isn't able to have a rational discussion without resorting to name calling and screaming, with a nasty temper is never going to make a good partner or Dad.

You're still young and have plenty of time to find someone capable of resolving issues without screaming/name calling. It's not a normal way to behave in a relationship.

[Lolipop44]

Hi,

I've just turned 30 my husband is 43. He has 2 sons but i don't have any kids. We have been together 11 years and I've helped being his sons up since they were toddlers and i love them to bits. I used to say i didn't want my own kids (i was only 19 though) fast forward almost 11 years now 30 I'd love my own kids but husband says he's to old now to have kids and it wouldn't be fair on a child as he couldn't be the active dad he has been with his 2. I completely feel what your going through. We've argued about it talked about it screamed about it and people say walk away but i adore him and it would break my heart to walk away from his kids. We have his boys 5 nights a week and always have. It's a very hard place to be in and i really feel for you.

I pray everything works out for you and i hope you and your partner conceive

[Fruitbat1980]

Frozen pop from the inter web.
Or LTB. You are young, you can start again.
You must do one or other as the resentment will destroy you.

[Sisterlove]

So I can kind off see how he perceives this.

I told him that though and he has just stormed out my house saying ‘you basically wish they were dead

He put it crudely - but you're essentially saying you wish his DC didn't exist. Yo him that's the same thing.

My brother has 3 children from his first marriage. His 2nd wife is unable to have children naturally. ..she wants them to adopt a baby. When he says he'd only adopt an older child. ..she says it's because he has his own children. His reason is his age. It's like she's resentful of his DC, because she thinks he'd want to adopt a baby if he didn't have them.

To him (my DB) it's as though she wishes he didn't have them.

She's very nice to them and gets on well with them BTW.

[Sisterlove]

You really should never have entered this relationship, as you didn't want to be a stepmother.

There's nothing wrong with that btw. I wouldn't either.

Don't give up having a child for any man. He has his children. ..they'll never be yours or like yours.

I would personally end it and find a new man.

You're resenting his children which is unfair. ..if course he won't like that. He had them before he knew you.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Do you have the kids every weekend? If so I do think that is too much. You need regular time for your relationship, as does their mother. I’d be saying strongly EOW. It’s really important. Unfortunately your DP might not agree but it’s just too stressful.

Their mum has every weekend to herself - I’d honestly be wanting to swap and take the Mums role as at least you’d get time with your partner then. You are being asked to be almost full time parent.

And no you should not be putting his kids first! What nonsense. He should be balancing both his kids and you, and you should be balancing you and your relationship with him, he’s the selfish asshole.

I’d seriously be looking for someone who can give you kids. Sorry to be brutal but you must look out for yourself. He sounds like my DP, we had a baby together but really he’s still prioritising his first family and always will. I ended up childminding his kids whilst on maternity leave, very very stressful. Don’t do That! He’s carrying around too much of a load from his first family otherwise he would have had a more sensible arrangement with the kids, and he doesn’t care about having another child.

Find someone who can devote themselves to you and you can have a family without all this stress.

[stepmumandmumtobe]

OMG!!! For once I thought this is me talking here. This is such a coincidence that I cant tell you how similar our lives are.

But I would say the only difference between me and you is that I don't resent my DH's kids. I love them, they love me. Its simple as it is.

Bit of a background to actually tell how much of our lives are entwined.
I have 2 DSC, boy (11 and autistic, thought I should mention although that is a completely different ball game with him there) and girl (9). DH and I married an year ago (tom is our anniversary). Prior to that we were dating for almost a year when we decided to tie the knot. He ended his 12 year relationship with his ex (common-law never married) 5 years ago. DH got his vasectomy done 6 years ago. When I met him, he didnt wanna have kids. Of course, I wanted to but I never pushed him. DH saw my relationship with his kids (it was very natural and we bonded very well just after few outings) and felt guilty for me. DH promised he would get a reversal and have a baby with me. I am 29 myself!
We get them EVERY weekend. We NEVER have time for ourselves. I feel you and can tell you that there have been so many times I have felt that I don't get to spend time with my new husband (by that I meant newly married couple, this my first marriage and I dont have any kids other than my DSC). DH's parents and sister have suggested many a times that we should have some time to our own selves. It is very important to build and keep that healthy relationship between partners. Of course parenting is important but so is relationship that you share with your partner.

MY ADVISE: First of all, you are NOT selfish. Second of all, you need to trust your partner. You have to work together as a team. And you have stop being so desperate. Trust me I am crazily dying "to be a mum" but I love my DSC as well. I have a good healthy relationship and over the weekend, from casual full time working wife, I become a very doting and attentive Step mum and I like both my roles. Don't stress on the negativity they bring in your life. They are great kids, really I have learnt that from my own experience. They have done nothing wrong.

[MrsBobDylan]

Go with your gut - the heart is easily swayed by something and nothing, but your gut is your guide.

[TexasHeart]

Emmeline2, you aren't selfish and your feelings of resentment are normal, IMO. It sounds like your partner is doing his best to make a baby with you, feels like a failure that he can't, and fears you're going to leave him. In my experience, men don't know how to process all those emotions and it comes out in anger toward us. Meanwhile, we feel selfish for wanting to take care of our own needs and we shouldn't. If you can't conceive and aren't willing to adopt, it could be time to move on. His children aren't a replacement for your own and never will be.

As for his kids, he will always love them unconditionally no matter what and it's hard for men to see and understand that we simply don't. Being a stepmother isn't for sissies, but we aren't bad people if we choose not to do it.

[swingofthings]

I think this is a perfect instance when counselling is really called for, to give both of you the chance to take a step-back and decide what is best for you as individuals and as a couple/family.

[Liberation1]

It's all well and good discussing IVF etc further down the line but would he realistically be up for that? He's 35 now so you could keep trying for another 4/5 years to conceive naturally but then if that doesn't happen I very much doubt he would want to go through the costly and emotionally draining procedures of IVF at 40+? It would be different if neither of you had children yet but the reality is he would be over 40, his kids would be older and would he want to start again at the baby stage and go through massive obstacles to get that baby and then be potentially in his 60s by the time that baby grew up and left home?

Meanwhile you would mid - 30s, still childless and if he decided he didn't want to go through IVF then you would be having to decide whether his kids are enough without your own child and carry on childless or break up and be a 35 year old single woman hoping to meet someone else and have children pretty much straight away.

[LilacIris]

I think that your desire to have a baby is going to stay between you and eventually it will turn to resentment because you are too old to be able to have one and will be childless. As hard as it may feel, I would walk away and find someone who also wants a family and is either able to father one or agrees to a sperm donor.

[swingofthings]

Missstegosaurous the rest is open to interpretation. He might say that He is hurt and frustrated and that OP is the one who is aggressive and controlling. Of course if OP feels he is treating her badly she should leave the relationship like anybody should.

[Beamur]

I was in a similar position to you. My partner had 2 kids and we were trying for a baby.
There was no vasectomy, he has always (and continues to be) a lovely person. I care very much for my step kids...But, if I hadn't been able to have had my own child I would have left. It meant too much to me to sacrifice that for him. He understood that too.
I have had to compromise on not having more children though which has been hard.
Your DP has his kids, he has tried (with the reversal) to give you the baby you desire. But it would not be selfish of you to end this relationship. Trying for a baby and experiencing difficulties is very stressful, but having a new baby can be very stressful too. The name calling is unacceptable. I think you have difficult choices ahead.

[MissStegosaurus]

Swing what about the rest of it? The guy verbally abusing her? Aggression and sulking? Manipulation?

[swingofthings]

Unfortunately vasectomy reversals are not very often successful and the longer the yeats the less likely. This would have been explained to your OH.

However icsi would have a very good chance from his perspective as they would select the strongest sperm and motility becomes irrelevant. The issue is the cost and the chance of success does go down after 35 you but you have plenty of time.

Focus on your relationship so you're in it together fully and reassure yourself that a few more months is not ruining your chances. You'll get there.

[Emmeline2]

Also yes he is divorced. She is remarried with a baby.

[Emmeline2]

If his SA was fine I would feel better about that and let nature take it’s course. But the fact that he is still classed as not fertile and they said if we had ivf we would probably need icsi as well because of the very low motility and there was a low chance of success. That’s why i brought up the possibility of a sperm donor, I didn’t mean to try all that right away, I meant down the line if it doesn’t happen for us naturally. I truly do appreciate that he has went through a reversal and has tried to get his fertility back. Which makes me feel horrendous for having those resentment feelings because he has tried. I’ve taken the day off work today to try and sort my head out.

[swingofthings]

Some people are really nasty. That man went through a painful (and costly) procedure to give OP and him a chance to have a baby together but because OP is still not pregnant she is now throwing at him that she should used donor sperm even though it's only been 8 months since he had the procedure.

Yes OP IS selfish putting her desperation of being a mum at a young age and not bothering to consider how he feels. Being selfish is fine but you need to face up to it. If indeed having a baby is more important than anything else right now so you're not prepared to give it more time because you're committed to your relationship.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

I think that through this relationship you have learned a lot about yourself. You should leave your partner and DSC before bitterness sets in. This particular arrangement with this man is not for you. You are young and someone else will suit you better. A child of your own might never happen but it is clear that your current relationship will not support that sadness. Best of luck

[MissStegosaurus]

I can't say this strongly enough - This man is not worth you sacrificing your chance for your own baby. It doesnt sound like he wants a baby with you but then he also doesnt sound like a good man. You're so young. There are plenty of men out there who don't have children yet. Being a stepmum is so hard and there's no shame inn admitting its not for you.

ANY man who i was in a relationship with who called me a selfish arsehole would be out on his ear. Please please find your self esteem and think very seriously about whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. Look ahead 20 years to if the relationship breaks up and you've squandered your fertility on this man, who isn't worthy of you. He buggers off with his kids and leaves you with nothing.

Google the sunken costs fallacy. Just because you've been with him 2 years it doesnt mean you have to keep trying. There are so many better men out there.

[swingofthings]

He is hurt. Hurt because he can't give you what you want, and that's hard when you love someone and hurt because he is starting to realise that you might care more about a baby than him.

Your chance of being a mum with him is far from over, but your desperation is not helping matters. Why are you so desperate? 2 years in a relationship, especially with a man who is divorced (is he even) and with kids is not a long time at all.

You are still young enough to focus on becoming a mum. A happy child doesn't need just a mum, but ideally the stability of a family, so you need to build that first. The poor guy has had a reversal of vasectomy, which is much more invasive than the vasectomy itself and I believe quite painful, and this is still quite resent, and yet you have already raised the option of you using a sperm donor. Can you see how hurtful that would be and how it would make him insecure about what matters more to you?

Sorry for coming on strongly but you do need to take a step back. I know what it feels like to be desperate for a baby, I've been there twice, it's overwhelming, but it doesn't make it right. Maybe it would help if you spoke with a counsellor?

[Monny1]

Please take note of the excellent advice, that you have been given. You only have one life, don’t have regrets. If you really want a child, then the only option is to leave. It’s easy for me to say as l am not you. I had children late aged 38 and 41. That really was luck. If need be, take a few days off by yourself or with friends or family and relax and have a break and think about what you really want from life. If it’s your own child, then the only real option is to walk away and find someone who wants children with you, you deserve that.