Struggling to be a stepmum

[Emmeline2]

Sorry this is going to make me sound like a selfish b but I really need help and advice so here goes- I met my partner at work. He has two children from a previous marriage. I don’t have any children however I really want to. He had a vasectomy while with his ex wife. Before we started a relationship, i was hesitant. I didn’t want to be a stepmum and I really wanted a baby of my own. He really wanted me to give step parenting a go and said he would get a vasectomy reversal and I agreed to give the relationship a go as i was head over heels and really wanted to be with him. Fast forward nearly two years. He has had a vasectomy reversal as discussed, that was 8 months ago. He had a recent SA which showed low motility. It has improved since the first SA at 3 months post op however still low enough to be classed as not fertile. This devastates both of us. Every time my period comes i have a day or so of being really down and depressed. Then i pick myself back up and move on to the next month. I think I just keep hoping for a miracle each month. As for my stepchildren, they are lovely, as all children are they are a pain in the bum at times but on the whole they are lovely people. I get on well with them although I do miss child free weekends. I want to be having romantic time with my partner but they are always there on days off, apart from the odd few pre planned days. I suppose I resent the fact that they are depriving us of having any spontaneous time. I know all that will go away if we have a baby of our own but we have never experienced that time to ourselves just the two of us. As much as they are lovely people they do my head in at times, stupid behaviour etc and i take them to their clubs when I’d much rather be doing something fun on our weekend. I do care for them and this sounds terrible but I suppose I resent them and my partner because if he hadn’t had them, he wouldn’t have had a vasectomy. I told my partner i wouldn’t leave him if we could never have a child but I would have my times when i was down about it and although i would never outwardly show it to his children, I probably would resent them and resent him. He says I’m being completely selfish which is probably true. But I’m desperate for a baby with him so how can he expect me to be happy and watch him do the things with his children that I’ll never get to do or see him do with our own? I don’t want to resent them but I don’t know how i could live a childfree life without them and be content with that. He is contemplating leaving me for feeling this way and says I’m being selfish and another word which I won’t repeat! I would really appreciate any advice.

[cherrysconess]

Pretty much the same thing happened to me and I left, we got divorced. I remarried not long after and we have our own child now. Best decision ever for me.

[Liberation1]

He's calling you a selfish asshole for wanting your own baby and telling you that you should be putting his kids first. Then he expects you two to have his kids every weekend and a night in the week meaning you don't even get "couple " time alone together!

I would be seriously thinking about ending this relationship because you clearly want different things.

He is 35 with kids and probably deep down doesn't want to start again with parenting.

You are 29 and want your own family and aren't even getting any of the perks as a couple without children (weekends away/evenings out etc.)

Think about how nice it would be to have someone who you could have that spontaneous life with then start a family together.

At the moment you are someone who is co-parenting someone else's kids and resentment I'd building and being called an asshole for wanting your own.

Don't settle. You are young enough to have what you want in life!

[KateGrey]

Sorry I think you need to leave. Step parents get a rough ride. You’re either classed as selfish and not involved enough or too involved. It doesn’t sound like you’ll win. I think more than anything you have to be a real team. Personally I think you should move on because if you’re resentful now it’ll only be a million times worse in a few years.

[LunaTrap]

He sounds awful and you shouldn't give up your chance of being a mother for him. What happens if you split in a few years and it's too late to have a baby? You are still young enough now to meet someone else.

[lunar1]

You're not compatible and you are wasting your fertile years on him. I know some women have babies in their 40's but it's not as common as mumsnet makes it seem. It's a disproportionate number.

If I had waited till my 30's to TTC it wouldn't have happened for me. All you will do here is make each other miserable and say worse and worse things to each other.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I can see how hard you’re trying to accept the situation but I too think you’d be better off walking away. For many reasons and none of them include you being selfish.

A few things jump out. The children don’t take anything away from you and they don’t turn up to deprive you of your freedom or spontaneous weekends. One of the shittest things people say to step parents is they knew what they were getting into and it’s not true at all. No one ever says that to a stressed or exhausted parent. But you did know he had children and that means a lot of the things you’re struggling with are inevitable. I don’t think it’s unfair he has them every/most weekends. We have DHs DC every weekend and during the week. He misses them, I miss them, they miss us, he’d rather be with them all the time so we have them as much as we can. That means we have less time “to ourselves” but it’s how we want it and we make the most of the time we do have wheh it’s just the two of us.

My husband never had any expectations of me other than to be kind to them. He’s their parent, he chose to have them, he is responsible for them. As it’s turned out I’m incredibly close to them and we’re our own family unit, I love them to bits and miss them so much when they’re not here. But all DH ever is is grateful for my effort, love and care. He would NEVER call me selfish and he knows how tiring they can be so he’s the one who says he’s taking them to park and leaving me to have some p&q for a couple of hours. I’m the bonus parent figure, the one they’d cope without, the one who gets to do the fun things. When I do the drudgery, because I choose to, the sick days off with them, the endless laundry, the meals, the cleaning, he’s thankful and appreciative. I want his life to be easier because I’m in it and he wants me to have the wonderful bits of family life.

We’re having a total bitch of a time having a baby together and it’s taken a toll on me exactly as you say with the hard, tiring stuff of parenting without the immediate joy and gratification of my own child. I always knew I wanted to be a mum and there are times when this halfway house is tricky. Other people struggling to conceive or with miscarriages can book a nice holiday, enjoy the freedom of not having responsibilities to help them through the struggles. We don’t have the time or money to do that, I’m still tied down by parenting week in week out!

What makes it easier is knowing what a strong unit we are with his DC and how much DH wants another baby as much as I do. If during the shit of the last few years I’d doubted it or felt that he was less bothered because he already has DC I don’t think we’d have made it.

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You’re not at all selfish to wish things were simpler and easier. You should be with someone who adores you, values and appreciates you, wants what you want. He’s going to want to see his DC as much as he can. You’ll feel the same when you have your own. But it’s not what you wanted from the start and he talked you into it and is now shitting on your efforts and your feelings. That’s not okay. You’ve given it a good go and if the two of you aren’t on the same page then there’s absolutely no shame in deciding you want something different.

[Emmeline2]

Thanks for the advice. It really is so difficult to walk away when you love them so much even though you know deep down they’re not the right person. I know I would miss him terribly but i need to focus on the bigger picture. Bottom line is, i was willing to sacrafise my own personal parenthood and i was probably too honest by telling him that in the future although i would never show it to the kids i would have my moments of resentment because of them. I know that’s a horrible thing to say about a kid because it’s not their fault and they didn’t ask for this situation, it’s nothing against them personally it’s resentment at the situation. I told him that though and he has just stormed out my house saying ‘you basically wish they were dead’ i told him that was a disgusting thing to say and of course I would never ever wish that on them nor anyone it’s more the situation.

[Liberation1]

He asked you to give it a chance with his kids and now you've done that and are telling him it's not going well for you he storms out and accuses you of "wishing them dead."

Sounds like he's got everything his own way; a nice girlfriend and his kids every weekend without a thought that the situation might not be working for you too.

I think alarm bells are ringing with all this name calling, accusations and storming out.

You sound like you are so much better than this shit.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

I reminded him it would be his baby and we would raise the baby together but he didn’t quite see it that way. And yet you’re supposed to be content with his DCs rather than having a child who is biologically yours. Double standards.

[CheeseyToast]

I can see what's in the relationship for him and his children, but there's not a lot for you is there? He sounds outrageously selfish and quite abusive too.

Honestly I think the wise thing to do here is leave. You still have a chance of meeting someone and having your own children, and you definitely have a much higher chance of happiness than you do with this horrible man.

[FinallyHere]

Goodness, it sounds as if there might be a bit of a disconnect here

You: I want him to be happy as well
Him: calling you sefish arsehole and that i should be puting the kids first

Sounds as if he is happy with you, no expecting you to love his children as your own, but not taking very seriously your desire to have your own. Sorry, but there it is

[grumpymoominmoo]

Just walk away

1. He may never give you a child. Someone else can
2. You resent his kids - without a baby this will grow and harm his kids. As much as you might try to hide it
3. You don't seem able to accept the life he had before you. It would be nice if we could erase the exes and kids and history and have all that first time around but once people have DC together as a family they're very bonded and tied even if they break up. Any jealousy at all won't cope with it
4. He sounds a prick anyway

[Monny1]

Please take note of the excellent advice, that you have been given. You only have one life, don’t have regrets. If you really want a child, then the only option is to leave. It’s easy for me to say as l am not you. I had children late aged 38 and 41. That really was luck. If need be, take a few days off by yourself or with friends or family and relax and have a break and think about what you really want from life. If it’s your own child, then the only real option is to walk away and find someone who wants children with you, you deserve that.

[swingofthings]

He is hurt. Hurt because he can't give you what you want, and that's hard when you love someone and hurt because he is starting to realise that you might care more about a baby than him.

Your chance of being a mum with him is far from over, but your desperation is not helping matters. Why are you so desperate? 2 years in a relationship, especially with a man who is divorced (is he even) and with kids is not a long time at all.

You are still young enough to focus on becoming a mum. A happy child doesn't need just a mum, but ideally the stability of a family, so you need to build that first. The poor guy has had a reversal of vasectomy, which is much more invasive than the vasectomy itself and I believe quite painful, and this is still quite resent, and yet you have already raised the option of you using a sperm donor. Can you see how hurtful that would be and how it would make him insecure about what matters more to you?

Sorry for coming on strongly but you do need to take a step back. I know what it feels like to be desperate for a baby, I've been there twice, it's overwhelming, but it doesn't make it right. Maybe it would help if you spoke with a counsellor?

[MissStegosaurus]

I can't say this strongly enough - This man is not worth you sacrificing your chance for your own baby. It doesnt sound like he wants a baby with you but then he also doesnt sound like a good man. You're so young. There are plenty of men out there who don't have children yet. Being a stepmum is so hard and there's no shame inn admitting its not for you.

ANY man who i was in a relationship with who called me a selfish arsehole would be out on his ear. Please please find your self esteem and think very seriously about whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. Look ahead 20 years to if the relationship breaks up and you've squandered your fertility on this man, who isn't worthy of you. He buggers off with his kids and leaves you with nothing.

Google the sunken costs fallacy. Just because you've been with him 2 years it doesnt mean you have to keep trying. There are so many better men out there.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

I think that through this relationship you have learned a lot about yourself. You should leave your partner and DSC before bitterness sets in. This particular arrangement with this man is not for you. You are young and someone else will suit you better. A child of your own might never happen but it is clear that your current relationship will not support that sadness. Best of luck

[swingofthings]

Some people are really nasty. That man went through a painful (and costly) procedure to give OP and him a chance to have a baby together but because OP is still not pregnant she is now throwing at him that she should used donor sperm even though it's only been 8 months since he had the procedure.

Yes OP IS selfish putting her desperation of being a mum at a young age and not bothering to consider how he feels. Being selfish is fine but you need to face up to it. If indeed having a baby is more important than anything else right now so you're not prepared to give it more time because you're committed to your relationship.

[Emmeline2]

If his SA was fine I would feel better about that and let nature take it’s course. But the fact that he is still classed as not fertile and they said if we had ivf we would probably need icsi as well because of the very low motility and there was a low chance of success. That’s why i brought up the possibility of a sperm donor, I didn’t mean to try all that right away, I meant down the line if it doesn’t happen for us naturally. I truly do appreciate that he has went through a reversal and has tried to get his fertility back. Which makes me feel horrendous for having those resentment feelings because he has tried. I’ve taken the day off work today to try and sort my head out.

[Emmeline2]

Also yes he is divorced. She is remarried with a baby.

[swingofthings]

Unfortunately vasectomy reversals are not very often successful and the longer the yeats the less likely. This would have been explained to your OH.

However icsi would have a very good chance from his perspective as they would select the strongest sperm and motility becomes irrelevant. The issue is the cost and the chance of success does go down after 35 you but you have plenty of time.

Focus on your relationship so you're in it together fully and reassure yourself that a few more months is not ruining your chances. You'll get there.

[MissStegosaurus]

Swing what about the rest of it? The guy verbally abusing her? Aggression and sulking? Manipulation?

[Beamur]

I was in a similar position to you. My partner had 2 kids and we were trying for a baby.
There was no vasectomy, he has always (and continues to be) a lovely person. I care very much for my step kids...But, if I hadn't been able to have had my own child I would have left. It meant too much to me to sacrifice that for him. He understood that too.
I have had to compromise on not having more children though which has been hard.
Your DP has his kids, he has tried (with the reversal) to give you the baby you desire. But it would not be selfish of you to end this relationship. Trying for a baby and experiencing difficulties is very stressful, but having a new baby can be very stressful too. The name calling is unacceptable. I think you have difficult choices ahead.

[swingofthings]

Missstegosaurous the rest is open to interpretation. He might say that He is hurt and frustrated and that OP is the one who is aggressive and controlling. Of course if OP feels he is treating her badly she should leave the relationship like anybody should.

[LilacIris]

I think that your desire to have a baby is going to stay between you and eventually it will turn to resentment because you are too old to be able to have one and will be childless. As hard as it may feel, I would walk away and find someone who also wants a family and is either able to father one or agrees to a sperm donor.

[Liberation1]

It's all well and good discussing IVF etc further down the line but would he realistically be up for that? He's 35 now so you could keep trying for another 4/5 years to conceive naturally but then if that doesn't happen I very much doubt he would want to go through the costly and emotionally draining procedures of IVF at 40+? It would be different if neither of you had children yet but the reality is he would be over 40, his kids would be older and would he want to start again at the baby stage and go through massive obstacles to get that baby and then be potentially in his 60s by the time that baby grew up and left home?

Meanwhile you would mid - 30s, still childless and if he decided he didn't want to go through IVF then you would be having to decide whether his kids are enough without your own child and carry on childless or break up and be a 35 year old single woman hoping to meet someone else and have children pretty much straight away.