What does everyone find hardest....

[hellsb8]

As a step parent when you have your dscs?

I'm not talking about issues with ex's or any of that crap. I'm talking about when your step children are actually staying in your home for however long....

Which part do you find hardest?

For me it's without a doubt the mess. My dcs are fairly tidy (by no means angels though) but when dss is here, he gets everything out constantly. I have become firmer with him lately and it's working. He makes a mess then refuses to tidy it. I wasn't putting up with it any longer and now it's getting there.

Also, the attention has to be on him all of the time. He can't stand anything being about my dcs or his sister.

No problems really with dsd, she's older but it does bug me when she helps herself to chocolate type snacks without asking. That's a petty one though really. Just sometimes I buy treats for everyone but someone misses out (usually me) cos she's had more than one.

Suppose they are all petty really.

Also do you ever think as a step mum, how although your step children can annoy you, your other half lives with your kids all the time? So why do we have the right to moan? Surely step dads feel the same?

[swingofthings]

I think nrps such as my dp have to face up to the fact that if on divorce a eow or traditional route is gone down - kids living with one parent while the other goes out & works long hours to financially provide - then they have given up having a home with their kids
Isn't that incredibly unfair on nrps though? Especially for nrps who become sole or main financial support to their step-children so that they can feel at home?

I understand why some nrps in these circumstances can grow to feel resentful. Even worse when the separation from their ex wasn't their choice. They now have to support or contribute to supporting some children some who might not be theirs yet accept that their own kids shouldn't feel at home in the household they work hard to support.

Unfortunately, feeling at home becomes especially important during teenage years and this attitude often results in kids who don't care to come and see their dad's any longer and as such lose the bond they once have. It's understandable that any father in these circumstances would be worried of this outcome.

Dp is supportive of me but is mired in ridiculous guilt because his exw will not accept the reality of divorce & constantly tries makes dp feel like a crap parent
In my view, a father whomakes a home to some of his children but not his older kids, or worse, his SCs, is not a very good dad. That's why many give up because they can't win. They love their wives and want them to feel happy in their home, but also want their children to be happy with them, yet they just can't do both.

I'm experiencing this myself. I want both my OH and my kids to feel at home. None of them do! My children find my OH rules too strident and to be honest, I agree more with them than with him, however, I would be prepared to make more efforts to adjust to his needs because I love him and I'm more flexible.

For instance, OH has asked me to ask my kids not to cook or shower after 10pm because the noise disturbs him and he can't get to sleep. It doesn't disturb me because I wear ear plugs (because of his snoring!). My kids are ok with it, but rightly say that he doesn't show the same respect in the mornings when he gets up (earlier than they do). He says that he has to get up at 6am and he can't be totally quiet and week-ends, he shouldn't have to wait until 10am to vaccum or do other noisy activities because they are lazy in bed. I try to say that they are teenager and staying in bed until 10 am is what teenagers do.

See, no-one is wrong, everyone has a point. It's hard living together, very hard, but it really is for everyone involved, and trying to gauge who has it harder than the other is not really going anywhere.

[swingofthings]

Divorce is ideal for no one but it's a fact of life & pretending that family life doesn't need to be redefined post divorce gets no one anywhere & has a lot of sm's facing into anxiety & depression.
Just to comment on this. Isn't this statement similar to an ex saying that getting together with a man with children is a fact of life and pretending that life doesn't need to be redefined to what it would be if there were no previous children gets no one anywhere and has a lot of scs facing anxiety and depression?

Again, not saying that one is right and the other is wrong, but I do think that a lot of the things SPs feel is very similar to what SCs feel themselves.

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

@twer I’m exactly the same. So glad it’s not just me! I have two dsd’s and before their visits I am so so anxious for no good reason as they’re both lovely girls who I love and really enjoy spending time with!

[MachineBee]

For me it’s always been told what I’m doing with my time and energy when the DSCs are there. Never asked. It’s got worse as now the DSCs get the instructions direct from their DM to their mobiles, even by-passing their DF these days. We are simply a resource for her to use.

Drives me nuts.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@magda and @wdigin I don’t know we had DSD full time and two others 50/50 and still had similar Disney Dad issues! The guilt was still there, but curiously not in EW at all. The threat of kids choosing to not visit was still real though, they still skip between parents in this way.