What does everyone find hardest....

[hellsb8]

As a step parent when you have your dscs?

I'm not talking about issues with ex's or any of that crap. I'm talking about when your step children are actually staying in your home for however long....

Which part do you find hardest?

For me it's without a doubt the mess. My dcs are fairly tidy (by no means angels though) but when dss is here, he gets everything out constantly. I have become firmer with him lately and it's working. He makes a mess then refuses to tidy it. I wasn't putting up with it any longer and now it's getting there.

Also, the attention has to be on him all of the time. He can't stand anything being about my dcs or his sister.

No problems really with dsd, she's older but it does bug me when she helps herself to chocolate type snacks without asking. That's a petty one though really. Just sometimes I buy treats for everyone but someone misses out (usually me) cos she's had more than one.

Suppose they are all petty really.

Also do you ever think as a step mum, how although your step children can annoy you, your other half lives with your kids all the time? So why do we have the right to moan? Surely step dads feel the same?

[hellsb8]

I'm finding all these posts so refreshing. I always knew step parenting was a hard thing to do but I didn't realise it was that hard.

I'll be honest, I've switched my weekends with my ex so my dcs are now with him when dscs come to us. Before I hated it. The anxiety I used to get when they were coming. I used to get my dcs to stay at my mums for the night to avoid it.

So now my dcs only see dsc's every other Sunday - his dcs comes one full weekend then one Sunday - but my dcs only see their dad every other weekend. One day I can deal with, a full weekend used to leave me feeling so anxious

Dh wanted to switch back but I've said no, I've said how important it is that he gets one on one time with his dcs without mine. Weekends are much less stressful.

It's also helped me bond with dss. This morning me and him have cleaned lol. He loves it and he gets plenty of praise from me for helping and it's really helped our relationship. Before he would just constantly whine at everyone.

So this is what's working for us - and basically it's just avoiding the situation completely which isn't ideal but it is what it is.

I don't know if I'm over stepping the mark with dss. I mean a few months ago, he would literally be a nightmare from start to finish. Now with a combination of my dcs being away and me being stricter with him, he's different when he's here. Dh has always been strict but he never listens. His mum really does struggle with him. She regularly rings dh in tears because she cannot cope. But she's extremely soft with him. She never raises her voice. It's always in a baby voice that she speaks to him, even when he's naughty. When he went through the terrible 2's she never told him off because to her, he was just 'recognising his emotions'. He's 4 now and still in the terrible 2 stage .

So when he's with me, I've become strict. I don't tell him off or raise my voice but I do change to tone of my voice to one that he realises I mean business. And my goodness has it worked. This morning, as well as cleaning, he's got himself dressed, put his clothes away, put his washing away. I've given him a small piece of chocolate as a well done and now he's sitting lovely watching a film. He's better for me than he is with his dad.

On Friday, his mum was late for work because she couldn't dress him.

The thing is, when I praise him for helping or being good, he is honestly so pleased with himself. Like he knows he's done good. I don't feel he gets that at home. He doesn't get shouted at when he should. His mum is constantly on it him for being naughty but will only say things like 'please don't do that baby, you make mummy sad' etc. I hear this regularly from the FaceTimes each night. And I always think to myself 'ffs get a grip and tell him off'.

So am I wrong for being how I am with him?

Also I am not criticising his mum. He is her only child and obviously she only has him to deal with. We have 4 to deal with so we can't let them walk all over us. We are different parents but I'm not saying for a minute he is bad.

Sorry for the long rant. I just don't want to give dss mixed messages. No doubt when he goes home tonight, he will turn into little bugger mode again for his mum when we've had nothing this weekend. I've just set up rules for him and it works. And he enjoys them. Like I say, he doesn't really listen to dh but me he does. I'm not an evil scary step mother, I just thought it was about time I did something. And it's helped of relationship so much. I feel much closer to dss than I ever have before. Before I used to only see a whiney little boy who spent his time trying to get everyone else in trouble. Now I see a little boy who is actually very sweet and caring. He comes to me for a cuddle now. But I can't help but feel I'm doing too much.

Soz this is really really longgggg x

[hellsb8]

Also, I've just read my post back and I don't want to make it sound like I make dss spend all weekend cleaning and tidying up! Not the case lol. It's just when he comes and gets absolutely everything out - even my dcs toys from their bedrooms - that's where I've become stricter. As I have with where he eats, rubbish that he needs to put in the bin etc.

We do have fun, took the dog for a lovely long walk yesterday, did jigsaws etc. Dh took him to get some sweeties as he had been so good.

This morning he asked me if he could help me tidy and clean up lol.

I had visions of people reading my post like he's a male version of Cinderella and I'm the evil step mother!

[ElChan03]

My experience was that I moved into the family home as my now ex DP has full custody.
I saw both children every single day and was expected to fit into their lives and under pressure from dp and his family to fulfil a Mother role.

I agree with pp saying about the expectations of sm to do the caring and loving of a Mother but still backing off and then still looking after them as though they are your own.
It put me under lots of pressure and I will confess I did not love them like a Mother should.
I did my best though and I have walked away caring about them a lot still.
I found the hardest part was being a Mother without being a Mother. I didn't realise that's the role I was expected to fill when I moved in. I thought I would be like my step dad was to me to support my mum and care about me but ultimately my mum was the boss.
I instead was presented with a life where I was constantly problem solving and fixing and taking care of everyone with none of the recognition a Mother gets.
I am very sad to leave them. They are my family and I worry about them.

I hope you work through your issues with your dss. I think petty problems aggravate when there is a larger issue underneath. Look for the positives!

[swingofthings]

Sometimes I wonder if one of the issue is that in most cases, SCs are older than SM's kids because a lot of the things I read that SM find very hard and feel that SCs should do differently as a result is very similar to what most parents have to cope with their kids too.

I too sometimes feel fed up with my teenage boy for not helping, not cleaning, not talking much, and I start to see as a problem that needs tackling because it doesn't suit me. Then I speak to other parents of teenage boys and realise that the way my teenage boy behaves is totally typical, and if anything, not as bad as many of 'normal' teenage boys and although it doesn't mean I have to accept everything, I also have to lower my expectations of what I think he should be doing to please me.

I appreciate that this is much harder for SP to do, without a doubt, but the question is when there are some frustrations, it is always the kids who should do act differently to appease the adults and if so, at what cost?

It's a vicious circle because if teenage kids are to treat their father/SM home like theirs, it is likely to trigger this feeling of not being in one's home for the SP. However, if you expect SCs to act in such a way that it suits the need of the SP, it's the SCs who are likely to not feel at home there and ultimately not want to come, because again, most teenagers will annoy their parents one way or the other, but parents will be able to accept more than SPs can.

It's not all rosy for the other parent too. I feel stuck always trying to help my kids as much as my OH feel at home in our household and that puts me under a lot of pressure as I constantly have to weigh what is reasonable and what isn't on both sides. It leaves me on edge a lot of the time tot often don't feel at home either as I feel I am never free to relax, always expected to be the peace maker.

What I do know is that I am yet to meet a parent of a teenager who doesn't have at least something, most of a time quite a list of things, to moan about their kids' behaviour. The -next to- perfect kid that many SM seem to expect rarely exist, but yeah, hard to live with.

[dated1988]

I see that some have critiqued the idea of uneasiness, that it's the steps house too, they are not guests etc.

That's the problem for me. My step son isn't treated like a member of the house by his dad. He's treated like a guest. The house doesn't continue to live like we do when my stepsons not here. We have to cram or weekend full of fun things, cater specifically to his needs...we have to perform as if we did have guests.

Yet it is the stepmums who are getting the blame instead of the dads who are creating this atmosphere. My DP, try as he might, will always be susceptible of mollycoddling/spoiling/ Disney dadding his DS because he is trying to cram all his parenting into a short time. He tries not to, but he does. But somehow it's nearly always the step mums who are at fault for not accepting the stepkids as family. How can we when our DP's don't?

[Magda72]

@swingofthings - I hear what you're saying & in my case I acknowledge that my sdcs probably don't feel at home in 'my' house & that yes it's a catch 22 situation where everyone ends up on edge.
This is hard on the sdcs but I just can't give them what they want on these weekends which is basically a replication of their home with their dm; eldest in the living room watching over 18 stuff on Netflix, the younger two elsewhere on the Xbox, food on tap & no expectation (on my part) of any assistance, going to bed when they want & getting up when they want. I don't have the physical space in the house for that & also it wouldn't be fair on my own kids to make all the compromises & have their routine always upended.
And you're right - the managing of everyone's expectations & everyone's right to want things their own way is exhausting.
I just think that if they were my kids I could have frank conversations with them about expectations & compromise but because they're my dsc stuff I would say to my own children/their friends/my nieces/nephews gets twisted into my not liking them by both them & their dm.
They have started doing this with dp also. If he says no to them or reprimands there's sulks (from an 18 year old & a 16 year old!) which affects the entire house. My kids in fairness don't sulk - it's not that I think they're perfect but they know if I've an issue with them it's for a good reason.
I just find when they leave on a Sunday my kids just lighten completely & my guilt over no one being able to relax on these weekends is just awful.

[swingofthings]

I just think that if they were my kids I could have frank conversations with them about expectations & compromise
I'm not so sure that's the case though. All the things you say your SC do, my kids do to. Maybe I'm bringing them up badly, but then everyone tells me what wonderful kids they are. Their teachers adore them, DD is about to go to study Medicine, DS is expected grades 9 in all subjects at GCSE (not that he'll get them but he is still a high achiever). They are 18 and 15, and so far, I've never had any issues with them with drinking, being late, causing trouble, certainly not bullying, or being bullied. They are good kids, but they are a pain to live with, but as a mum, I have to count my blessing, so after years of repeating the same thing over and over, punishing, trying to make them feel guilty, screaming, talking nicely, you name it, what can be done, I've done, I've accepted that when it comes to teenagers, you sometimes just have to accept things. Sometimes I think that it's nature so that there is actually something to look forward to when they leave home!

Some teenagers are better communicators, more sociable with family and adults, but then these could cause trouble in other ways like my friend's boy who is lovely, but who ended up damaging a car acting stupid, leading the owner to threaten to report him unless they paid £500 right away!

Of course your kids and you are grateful when they go. I feel the same when my OH goes away for work for some time (haha, he is away this week) but I still love him and my life wouldn't be the same without him. He is just hard to live with, although he says I'm hard to live with, and he is probably right too!

[Magda72]

Dp's kids aren't bad kids - I totally get that. My point it that they're so different to mine that bridging the gap to create harmony or ease is, as a sm, very difficult.
Dp's kids aren't doing anything wrong, but their way of living doesn't fit in with mine & the compromise is, at the moment, all one sided; it's me & my kids adjusting for them which is a hard thing to do every second weekend.
I can even see dp having to adjust for them. It's no one's fault but it's hard, on everyone.

[swingofthings]

I do totally get that it's difficult, wouldn't in anyway undermined that it is Magda. I think the reason why I get annoyed with some posts is that the solution always seem to be that it is in the remit of the kids to change to bring in harmony, when as you say, they are often doing nothing wrong, they are just different.

I do understand you saying that it feels like it is one sided, but once again, it's about perspective because theirs will be that you and your kids get to feel at home, with their father 12 days out of 14 (or whatever number of days they are not there) whereas they only get 2 days of it. This is probably why your OH doesn't put pressure on them.

It's not idea for anyone but it is what it is and hopefully, as they become adult as well as your kids, the dynamics will be different and it will be much easier to be one big family.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I still think there is usually an underlying hostility from step children that causes the unease. It might be because of divided loyalties, and no longer having a total Disney Dad.

It’s nothing to do with usual teenage or kid problems. I’ve tried very hard being a full time SM for years, put a lot of care and consideration in. Didn’t try to rule the roost. Yet that was full of unease that got worse rather than better.

And yet just before it I’d shared a house with another parent and child and had a great relationship. We all really bonded. The difference was that I was not treated as an outsider. We were equal.

[Magda72]

I agree Bananas.
I know these situations are very hard on kids but it does seem (to me) that there are huge expectations put on sms without any acknowledgement that we are only human & are often already pretty exhausted (mentality & physically) from parenting our own kids.
My own dcs see their dad eow & a night during the week plus extra if there's something going on - but all the big parenting stuff is left to me & also the day to day running around. That's fine, but I am then expected to 'switch on' every second weekend for the sdcs. Dp doesn't expect this but they do & their dm does. So if I'm tired & have a lie in comments are passed. If I don't have the meals the want cooked comments are passed & dm is on to dp saying I don't make them feel welcome.
As a pp said it feels like a performance which is never good enough.
Yes teens moan & groan but if my own do so I can explain where I'm coming from to them or they can see that I've put in a really long week & need some time out. Sdcs couldn't give a crap that I might be tired (not because they're awful people but because they don't actually care about me) - they just want a weekend vegging out & expect me to facilitate this & no one seems to want to point out to them that's not my role.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

They are hard on everyone. You articulate the SM dilemmas very well.

As the adult I agree that we as SMs have the responsibility to be as respectful, kind, fair and reasonable as we can be. Kids are more vulnerable.

However the much trotted out its ‘terrible for the kids who have no power or say’ vs ‘the all powerful SM who wishes they’d disappear’ is very far from most step families reality.

This board is full of threads about SMs who have way less power than the kids and who are made to feel totally unwelcome. The horrible feeling of having to be totally perfect. To put it more simple, being a SM in a hostile environment.

So if I'm tired & have a lie in comments are passed. If I don't have the meals the want cooked comments are passed & dm is on to dp saying I don't make them feel welcome. I absolutely get this. I could have written it too. I cooked their favourite meals every single time, asked them how they were, gave them space.

One weekend I was ill and despite still doing these things I was not as warm/giving, felt crap. I did say I was ill to DSCs but as usual was ignored. For weeks afterwards DP kept hearing from DSCs & EW that I was very cold, and like ‘two different people’ etc. That it wasn’t comfortable for them. Phew, so wearing! Crikey it would have been nice to just be acknowledged for being ill and even offered a cup of tea!

It was quite an experience being a SM. I’ve never been treated like I was not a human in my life. Honestly it was traumatic!

Really nothing to do with normal kid stresses, most of us have our own kids, we are well used to that.

[swingofthings]

his board is full of threads about SMs who have way less power than the kids and who are made to feel totally unwelcome
I have noticed that the word 'power' does come up quite often here too and again this is something that would never or rarely be used when referring to one's own children.

I think the moment there is a notion of 'power' in a relationship, whichever it is, there comes a notion of conflict, it's inevitable.

Power should never come into it and I think it is this desire for power or control that will make SCs react defensively and by removing themselves. Whatever the situation, it remains that SC will never have the same level of maturity and experience as the adults do and as such never have the same level of power, even if they try to fight for it. It's the end of the adults to take away that battle for power that shouldn't be there in the first place. Unfortunately, the moment it's there, it becomes very difficult to go back because each focuses on their need for control because relinquishing some power would mean making oneself more vulnerable and that is a frightening position to take.

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

To address a lot of the posts on the first page, as a Stepdad I think it's a thousand times easier than SMs have it. I've read a lot here and on other step parent groups and the situations seem incomparable sometimes.
It's true that being even a half-successful SD in many people's eyes seems to give you some sort of hero status whereas SMs seem to be eyed almost suspiciously for being 'too involved.'

And yeah, there's probably less expectation. I am very involved with parenting my SDs, with the blessing of their dad and quite honestly because they both seem so comfortable with it. But I don't think I'd be judged if I wasn't. There doesn't seem to be any societal expectation that men are naturally paternal.

That said though, the emotional boundaries are still so, so difficult. The girls were 2 and 6 when I moved in a couple of years ago. It's hard to spend 12 out of every 14 days with them, doing the whole routine, sharing all that, and keep in your heart that your're 'second place' to the dad. It's harder with the younger one who doesn't even remember him living at home. The eight year old has an astounding level of emotional resilience, and comfortably discusses her feeling with her mum (and to me to an understandably far lesser extent.)

Oh, and I still find it hard to be firm with them all the time when I need to be. The little one loves being carried and really shouldn't be so much. I guess I missed out on the whole baby stage and overcompensate a bit...

A final thing is that neither child speaks English (although the older one is starting to pick bits up quickly!) My skills in their language were conversational while not truly fluent. It's got so much better since I basically use it all the time at home now, but it wasn't easy to articulate myself always. Most of the times it just creates funny situations that the girls love though, and the older one increasingly loves hearing what the English equivalent is.

Still, somehow it's ended up with me singing 'Yesterday' by the Beatles to them every night after they're in bed. I don't know if they'll be a bit miffed when they realise the lyrics are quite sad!

[Magda72]

For me it's not about power it's about authority. It's my home & I'm in charge - I have to be, I'm the adult. My kids know this & while they may not always like it they respect it & my decisions. And to clarify I don't dictate I negotiate & listen but at the end of the day I'm the one with the final say. In short they feel safe with me being in charge as it were.
If my nephews/nieces visit I'm still in charge. If my kids pals are here I'm still in charge. However, if my sdc's are here my authority is challenged because I don't do things the same way as their dm. This is not their dm's house - it's mine. Why are they the only people who come into my house with the expectation that the whole house should then revolve around them? Nobody else expects that.
Of course they will be accommodated & compromises will be made but the basic routine still has to apply.
I think way too much is expected of sms by sdcs & their dms.
Dp's exw acts like my sole purpose in life if to now facilitate her kids in a manner that she finds acceptable to the detriment of my home life with my own kids & the really sad part is she conveys this to the sdc who are very entitled in their behaviour. Each of those kids is going to get some shock when they leave home & realize that the entire world does not jump to their tune.

[MismatchedStripySocks]

The noise and the fighting. My DS is an only child so no fighting there His two are so loud! They are also from a family where the TV goes on in the morning and goes off at bedtime. That has never been the case for me. You watch your show and it goes off. I am continually turning off the TV because it’s been left on, same with lights. There’s only two of them but we sometimes go through 2 loo rolls in a weekend!

[MismatchedStripySocks]

Also, my DH does put his kids on a pedestal behaviour wise. Whenever my DS does something he says ‘my two wouldn’t do that’ ‘I wouldn’t let my two get away with that’ However, they both (especially DSD) do quite a few of the same things that DS does. Eg this weekend DSD damaged my £70 pillow albeit accidentally by spilling milk on it. I would have been ok with it but she point blank refused to apologise or accept responsibility.

[hellsb8]

I really am enjoying reading all these as sad as it may sound. I really do realise now how hard we actually have it as step mothers and totally see the difference between a sm and sd.

To be honest, I'm bloody proud of myself for how I have accepted the role of step mother to be honest. It will be very interesting to see if dhs ex ends up with anyone else - I'm really not sure with how she will deal with life as a sm.

I honestly think my dh is a good dad but he struggles massively. He's never been involved in his dcs life full time so he finds it's hard going from working mon - Friday and coming home and sitting in front of the tv (I don't ask him or expect him to help with my dcs) and then having them on a weekend and going into dad mode. He struggles with it and that's probably where I've taken over as the strict one with dss. I needed to do it as we were getting absolutely no where with how he parents. But the love he feels for his dcs is massive, he contacts them both constantly. Always FaceTiming etc. Knows what's what in their lives. This is what my dcs don't have. Their dad is more like a fun uncle than a father. He just takes them out and spends money on them eow, barely speaks to them through the week and has no idea what's going on in school or anything like that.

I also think I now look at my ex's partner differently. They don't live together at the moment but are planning too from September I think. I remember the first presents my dcs brought home and they were from her. It actually made me feel slightly sick for some reason. A few weeks ago, my ex couldn't collect them at our meeting place due to work problems and she offered to do it. Its an hour and a half drive for her each way. I have to say, I wasn't comfortable with it and didn't like handing my dcs over to her but in all honesty now - I feel grateful to her. She was nothing but lovely to me and I really feel when the time comes and my dcs stay with her more often, I'll just let them get on with it. No interfering from me - unless I have to obviously.

[ladybee28]

The hardest part is noticing emotions bubbling up in myself that I don't like, don't want, and don't (logically) agree with – and then not really feeling like I can talk to DP about them.

Over the last 2 years I've felt intense jealousy, fear, disgust, anger... none of which were particularly justified (DSS is about to turn 12 and has honestly been the easiest, most chilled-out and welcoming kid to me), but it was all still present!

I've been working through the emotions, and time is helping, but we're going on holiday this summer for 2 weeks all together and I'm really nervous about the emotional rollercoaster I might end up on...

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

@hellsb8 you should be proud of being a SM, you are providing stability and may be helping guide your DSS for his whole life. It’s no small achievement.

@mismatched yes the constant screens from games/tv. I don’t miss that!

@magda I think you’ve identified there that there is a power/authority struggle in your home - coming from EW and DSCs, that is so draining. No wonder you have chosen to step away from this at the moment I don’t blame you at all. I wonder if your DP will ever see it like it is and change the atmosphere.

In my case I was also given virtually no authority, the EW was number one and DP second! DSDs telling me constantly what I could and could not do. EW even controlling what DSDs did with their time at our house. Hence the feeling like a lodger. Crazy situation.

[swingofthings]

My kids know this & while they may not always like it they respect it & my decisions
But that's the point, you negotiate with your kids, come to an agreement and that becomes their normality and this normality makes them feel at home.

When your SCs come, they are expected to adapt to rules that are not their normality. There is no negotation with them, they are expected to adapt to what is the norm for everyone else even though it isn't theirs.

Of course you and your kids shouldn't have to change your normality t suit them, that would be ridiculous, but at the same time, a bit of understanding that having to apply to rules that are not the norm for them as it is for your kids would help understand why they don't feel at home there and therefore will act like guests. This is even more if their dad isn't coming across as supportive of your rules, whether because he can't be bothered or because he wants his children to also feel at home at what I assume he will consider to be his house too.

So I still think it is about power and that's the reason why it leads to conflict. I am not sure what the solution is though when it gets to that point as ideally, everyone should feel at home at all time, but when normality is so different at one house compared to the other, it's almost impossible to achieve.

[Magda72]

That's it exactly @swing. I think 'home' needs to be defined in situations like this. I make the same effort to made my sdc's feel as comfortable as I would anyone else visiting & there is lies the problem. You can't create a 'home' for people who are only with you eow. Unfortunately they are visiting.
I think nrps such as my dp have to face up to the fact that if on divorce a eow or traditional route is gone down - kids living with one parent while the other goes out & works long hours to financially provide - then they have given up having a home with their kids. Too many nrps (& rps sometimes) live with a fantasy that divorce doesn't impact on 'home' but it does. Dp (& others like him) don't want to acknowledge this as they think it makes them bad parents but it doesn't - it just means their parenting & their time with their kids is different to that of the rps.
It's this nrp guilt that impacts sms soooo much & I think aside from the societal stuff one of the reasons sm's have it so hard is that a lot of the time they are the rps to their own kids & both dp's, exspouses & sdcs resent this.
Dp's kids home is with their dm just like my kids home is with me. My kids go to their dads eow & a night during the week & they love it. However they all say that here is home & they happily live according to their sm's 'rules' over there as it's not home.
Everything my sdcs may be experiencing with me my kids have experienced at their dads. However my kids have adapted - mainly I think because I don't do blame (of exh or his dp) & exh doesn't do guilt. We accept our divorce & it's consequences (for both us & our kids) & we get on with it. My exh has two other kids with his dp & he really struggled initially with living full time with only 2 if his 5 kids. But that's the reality of divorce & thankfully he got his head around that for the most part.
Dp is supportive of me but is mired in ridiculous guilt because his exw will not accept the reality of divorce & constantly tries makes dp feel like a crap parent.
Divorce is ideal for no one but it's a fact of life & pretending that family life doesn't need to be redefined post divorce gets no one anywhere & has a lot of sm's facing into anxiety & depression.
And no, you often don't know what you're getting in to as often the kids are lovely to you until they &/or their dm/df realize that their parent is actually serious about you & that's when the crap starts.

[Wdigin2this]

For me it was the DisneyDading. I think most divorced fathers act like this out of guilt because they don't spend 24/7 with their kids, and they're afraid that if they impose restrictions, the kids won't want to visit!

[Beamur]

I think we've had a pretty easy ride of it. I didn't have kids, so it was just my DSC's and us until DD came along. Everyone has always got on and been kind and caring to each other.
But - in the spirit of this thread, there have been some practical niggles. I don't feel able to slob at home with DSC's so would never wander about with my pj's on, holidays were always a rather uncomfortable compromise and I often felt financially drained!

[Beamur]

I would just add that the kids split their time equally between our house and Mums, so both were their 'home'.