Tearing out my hair now

[throwawayagain]

My DSS is 20.
He moved in with me, along with DP, 18 months ago. He doesn't work. He has now decided to quit college twice. He quit his A-levels part way through.
Since his GCSEs he has pretty much decided to do nothing. He is clearly a special snowflake. He will play X-Box all night. He will invite random friends over, without permission, and we have found randoms sprawled around the house on occasion. I cannot live with this shit much longer.
I have young kids. I am raising them to work hard, and have self-respect. Unfortunately, DP seems very frustrated by SS's lack of drive and personal responsibility, but he actively does fuck all to address it. He lays down ground rules, which are just disrespected, ignored, and thus the cycle repeats.
DP used to pull his weight on his behalf, but recently DP has been extremely ill. Hospitalised for a long time with life-changing surgery. It has been fucking hard.
SS has done fuck all to help. I have tried to be kind and respectful to his feelings about his Dad. He has responded by continuing the piss taking.
He eats everything in the fridge. I am now spending £250+ a week on food. I cannot afford it, but everything I buy that is easy for DP to eat just vanishes. I bought a £50 shop at the weekend which had gone in 24 hours. When I address it, he states that he 'doesn't know what he is allowed to eat'! I have tried putting notes on the fridge, but he 'doesn't see them'.
He never washes up, and I put my foot down by putting his washing up in his bedroom. He bleated about it to DP, who told him that I had done it. Fine! He eventually did it.
However, today I woke up to another pile of washing up. I left it there, and went to work. DP then hauled himself downstairs, and cleaned up after the 'special snowflake'.
I lost my rag. I told DP that we have to lay the law down together, and DSS needs to be forced to man up.
I pointed out how much his son is costing us, while he pays nothing for his upkeep. I was advised that we should shop at Aldi to reduce the costs.
DP is unwell and 'can't be doing with this shit'. Well, guess what? I fucking can't any longer.
AI actually B fucking U here, or should I just suck up this behaviour? I wish this was a troll post. Unfortunately, it isn't.
I can't kick him out because DP can't deal with it. Sadly, I cannot carry on like this.

FWIW, his DM sides with him. She tells us that he shouldn't be forced to work, because he doesn't suit the 'rat race'. He should be allowed to be his own person, and do something he enjoys. At the expense of everyone else.

Any advice, before I lose it completely?

[Eddie1940]

Bananasinpyjamas11 your situation sounds like mine . Mother never cared for children full time and then as soon as me and soon to be ex dh got together she gave up altogether . Created a situation where children felt sorry for her but ultimately expected nothing from her . I was one doing all parenting but dsd ‘s resented this and constantly challenged my values ( ie work hard - pay your way in life ) . DH always sided with dsd s and refused to acknowledge any of my wishes . I don t think you can ever really know what you re letting yourself in for .

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

eddie I really feel for you. I’m not sure it’s easy for anyone outside this kind of dynamic to apppreciate how horrible it is for the SM. You sound as though you were a good SM and filled in the gaps her own parents left behind.

The trouble is our step children hate us for it.

It’s like a forced adoption however with the real parents undermining everything. My DP felt so good being DSDs ‘main’ parent, that he forgot to do the parenting bit. DSDs Mother wanted to not have her daughter live with her, but was fiercely attached to keeping the status of ‘only mother’ so she used to tear me down to DSD and DP at any opportunity. DSD would follow suit and put me down even if I was doing nice things for her, but excused her mothers often total disinterest.

I have zero relationship with my DSD now and that really is her loss. I don’t mean that to be mean. It just is. She is a dysfunctional child who will pass on that to her own family if she has one.

I just concentrate on my own kids now. Much better for my mental health!

[MachineBee]

Bananas, you have just described my relationship to my DSD perfectly. She’s at uni and after dreadful behaviour at Xmas I have not bought her a birthday card or present this time. I left it up to her DF and he sent a card with some cash. I still feel guilty. She’s back at Easter and I’m dreading it.