Tearing out my hair now

[throwawayagain]

My DSS is 20.
He moved in with me, along with DP, 18 months ago. He doesn't work. He has now decided to quit college twice. He quit his A-levels part way through.
Since his GCSEs he has pretty much decided to do nothing. He is clearly a special snowflake. He will play X-Box all night. He will invite random friends over, without permission, and we have found randoms sprawled around the house on occasion. I cannot live with this shit much longer.
I have young kids. I am raising them to work hard, and have self-respect. Unfortunately, DP seems very frustrated by SS's lack of drive and personal responsibility, but he actively does fuck all to address it. He lays down ground rules, which are just disrespected, ignored, and thus the cycle repeats.
DP used to pull his weight on his behalf, but recently DP has been extremely ill. Hospitalised for a long time with life-changing surgery. It has been fucking hard.
SS has done fuck all to help. I have tried to be kind and respectful to his feelings about his Dad. He has responded by continuing the piss taking.
He eats everything in the fridge. I am now spending £250+ a week on food. I cannot afford it, but everything I buy that is easy for DP to eat just vanishes. I bought a £50 shop at the weekend which had gone in 24 hours. When I address it, he states that he 'doesn't know what he is allowed to eat'! I have tried putting notes on the fridge, but he 'doesn't see them'.
He never washes up, and I put my foot down by putting his washing up in his bedroom. He bleated about it to DP, who told him that I had done it. Fine! He eventually did it.
However, today I woke up to another pile of washing up. I left it there, and went to work. DP then hauled himself downstairs, and cleaned up after the 'special snowflake'.
I lost my rag. I told DP that we have to lay the law down together, and DSS needs to be forced to man up.
I pointed out how much his son is costing us, while he pays nothing for his upkeep. I was advised that we should shop at Aldi to reduce the costs.
DP is unwell and 'can't be doing with this shit'. Well, guess what? I fucking can't any longer.
AI actually B fucking U here, or should I just suck up this behaviour? I wish this was a troll post. Unfortunately, it isn't.
I can't kick him out because DP can't deal with it. Sadly, I cannot carry on like this.

FWIW, his DM sides with him. She tells us that he shouldn't be forced to work, because he doesn't suit the 'rat race'. He should be allowed to be his own person, and do something he enjoys. At the expense of everyone else.

Any advice, before I lose it completely?

[MachineBee]

Bananas, you have just described my relationship to my DSD perfectly. She’s at uni and after dreadful behaviour at Xmas I have not bought her a birthday card or present this time. I left it up to her DF and he sent a card with some cash. I still feel guilty. She’s back at Easter and I’m dreading it.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

eddie I really feel for you. I’m not sure it’s easy for anyone outside this kind of dynamic to apppreciate how horrible it is for the SM. You sound as though you were a good SM and filled in the gaps her own parents left behind.

The trouble is our step children hate us for it.

It’s like a forced adoption however with the real parents undermining everything. My DP felt so good being DSDs ‘main’ parent, that he forgot to do the parenting bit. DSDs Mother wanted to not have her daughter live with her, but was fiercely attached to keeping the status of ‘only mother’ so she used to tear me down to DSD and DP at any opportunity. DSD would follow suit and put me down even if I was doing nice things for her, but excused her mothers often total disinterest.

I have zero relationship with my DSD now and that really is her loss. I don’t mean that to be mean. It just is. She is a dysfunctional child who will pass on that to her own family if she has one.

I just concentrate on my own kids now. Much better for my mental health!

[Eddie1940]

Bananasinpyjamas11 your situation sounds like mine . Mother never cared for children full time and then as soon as me and soon to be ex dh got together she gave up altogether . Created a situation where children felt sorry for her but ultimately expected nothing from her . I was one doing all parenting but dsd ‘s resented this and constantly challenged my values ( ie work hard - pay your way in life ) . DH always sided with dsd s and refused to acknowledge any of my wishes . I don t think you can ever really know what you re letting yourself in for .

[MrsElvis]

This sounds so much like my Dss. Fortunately he hasn't ever come to love with us but does everything you described one his long visits.

There's no pressure on your Dss to change. Until there's something to lose he will carry on eating all the cheese and taking the piss. I'm so sorry for you as you sound on the edge

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I have lost count of the number of times I have read on here that the Mum doesn't appear to want the little darling but is quick enough to critisise the Step Mum's parenting whilst the Dad does fuck all to address anything. oh purple hen that is SO true!

Very unfair. Happened to me too, I got so much vitriol from my older teenage DSDs mother about my trying to help her. She totally undermined anything I tried to do. My DP also refused to listen to me and took her Mums word instead. Yet her Mum didn’t want her living with her, we had her 100%. So sad for DSD really, who would not bond with me out of loyalty to her Mum, but whose Mum really didn’t want her. She’s now 23, still very immature, dropped out of Uni. This putting down the SM doesn’t do these children any good.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I don’t think step kids who are ‘failing to launch’ (struggling to grow up) moving back into a home which has become one for younger children works at all.

I think we can go round and round in circles about whether it’s a SMs place to discipline, whether and how to get an adult step child to follow rules that protect the peace and sanity of a house with smaller kids, or whether it is the ‘child’s home’ and the have a ‘right’ to come back to it.

It doesn’t change what you have right now OP, a totally impossible, unworkable, tense and stressful situation.

It does not work. I’ve read so many posts here of step kids who move back in because they are avoiding growing up. They know Dad feels guilt. They are looking for an easy path. They would not get such an easy path if their parents were together. But apart they can dodge rules, dodge the stricter parent!

I would kick them out tbh. It isn’t fair in the younger children. If your DP is selfish enough not to see the horrible amount of stress he’s putting you and his other kids under, because he won’t sort his older child out, then he’s letting you down massively. He needs to be told it’s not workable.

It’s not really your DSS fault. He’ll just take a hotel (ie you) over fending for himself. It won’t do him any good to delay adulthood by hiding from its realities in your home. Support him, by showing him shared house rentals and aiding his transition to independence.

[MachineBee]

Too true Purple.

[thepurplehen]

I have lost count of the number of times I have read on here that the Mum doesn't appear to want the little darling but is quick enough to critisise the Step Mum's parenting whilst the Dad does fuck all to address anything.

It's tiresome and not fair.

Some people just shouldn't be parents - people who just can't be arsed to parent their own kids but expect someone else to but without full control of the situation.

[throwawayagain]

Update: he's going to work.
My DF is a bit frustrated due to DSS's timekeeping, but is impressed by his skills and capabilities. He will not tolerate the lateness indefinitely. He is giving ultimatums, and we fully support that.
DSS asked for some of my Xanax to help him sleep. Not happening in his wildest dreams! I get Xanax to manage my own sleep issues, and it is prescribed because I have an autoimmunity issue. Those meds are often the difference between no sleep, and decent sleep.
He has sleep issues because he plays X-Box all night. Not a problem to be resolved by my prescribed drugs!

He still expects differential treatment due to his perceived issues. Our attitude is that he needs to explore effective time management. If I can get to work, I'm damned sure that he can!

Still, he hasn't been fired. He has to make his own choices, and. Take responsibility for his actions.
He is being given no money. We feed him, but refuse to pander further.
He's basically lovely, but irresponsible, and keen to use guilt to find his social life.
The fact that we have no current social life is a concrete reason to not supply cash for his.
There have been tantrums, but they are consistently ignored. Now he has some big choices, and they are his alone.
He has been invited to leave if he is unhappy with the current situation. Right now he has chosen to stay.
I guess we have to be cruel, to be kind.

[Wdigin2this]

Sorry, hadn't read your last pot OP!

[Wdigin2this]

He's 20, a grown man and he's happy to to live it large at the expense of other people...he's a parasite!
I'd suggest, you only buy food that needs to be cooked from scratch; do not do his laundrey; whenever he leaves his own stuff around the house, throw it into his room and shut the door. Also change any wifi passwords and refuse to tell him them, if you buy treats for your kids, give it to them to keep in their room. Finally, do not give him cash, lifts anywhere, or buy him stuff....you're at war here, so anything goes!

[SandyY2K]

Great update and long may it continue.

[MachineBee]

That’s good news. I hope it holds.

All the best to your DP and his recovery.

[throwawayagain]

Sorry. I have just been reading through the responses. Thank you all for taking the time.

Well, since I posted DSS has stepped up. It came to a head, and I was very honest about the financial burden, and my feelings about his lack of consideration.
He had a strop, then he thought about it. I let him stew.
Finally I received a full and heartfelt apology. He has taken a full time job with a close friend of mine. It's not paying yet, as DF is putting him through several qualifications. DSS loves it, and is applying himself.
In addition, he has committed himself to an evening job with flexible hours. He is going straight from the day job, and into the evening job. He will be paid biweekly.
This is a fucking miracle. He's even doing the washing up! I am delighted, but obviously observing the situation to ensure that this is a permanent change.
We are talking now, and I feel comfortable enough to call him out when something is an issue.

To be fair with DP, he has been horrified by the behaviour. When he lived with his DCs, DSS was younger, and in full-time education. DP did enable him to an extent - always had to get him out of bed and deliver him to college. However, that is not happening anymore.

My fingers are crossed, and I will trust him until he fucks up again. Hopefully he is motivated enough that this won't happen anymore.

[MachineBee]

No more money or lifts
Buy daily for food and put lock on fridge
Change internet password
No cooking for himself - yours is a family home; he eats with you at meal times or goes elsewhere

[SandyY2K]

Your DD is witnessing his nonsense and did the washing up liquid as revenge on your behalf.

That's the negative effect your SS is having

Why can't he move back to his mum's house?

You have the patience of a saint.

[Winteriscoming18]

You know what op I don’t think it’s even the fact he’s your stepson. If anyone of my dc behaved like that age 20 they would be told to seek alternative accommodation. That’s appalling behaviour. Can he go back to his mothers? See how she likes putting up with such behaviour.

[cherryontopp]

OP why cant he move in with his mum?

I would seriously pack his bags and leave them at her door.

[Chugalug]

Ship the pair of them of back to the x wife..life is to short

[Hissy]

He does need to leave.

[CoffeenoTea]

If he trashed my child's bedroom it would be the end there and then . I would make sure he knew this and his dad. What a cheek he has.

[MiaD13]

I'm the same age as your step son and I have a baby and a house to run so reading this really boiled my blood - your hardly asking the world of him


I totally understand your anger and I don't know how you haven't kicked him out ! I understand he's not your blood relative but you need to start making moves now I think. I would be asking for digs at least for a food shop since he seems to have absolutely respect for what he can and can't do. Set an amount of months maybe ?
4 months for him to find a job and contribute money or 4 months to find somewhere else to stay.
He's 20 he's a man I really hope you come to a solution xx

[HeebieJeebies456]

You dp was enabling his dc to take the piss out of you and your home pre-illness.
Your dp was therefore also taking the piss out of you, your dc and home.

Now he's been forced by circumstance to stop enabling his son but only to a certain extent, and only for as long as he's ill.
Your dp is still refusing to parent his ADULT child responsibly.

Your dp still expects you to 'put up and shut up' to yours and your dc's detriment......and you are still allowing this.

You absolutely CAN tell the other ADULT child in your household to leave - irrespective of whether his enabling father agrees or not - it isn't their house to call the shots in!

Your dp can always move out and demand his workshy son be his carer......

[LineyS]

I said last night that I think they both need to move out. It's ridiculous to subject your own children to this nasty farce. Massively unfair - you can see the effect it's having on your daughter already.

And as for the threats of damage to her room - and the endless juvenile texts - and the enabling by your partner and the crazy food bills ... you can make this stop immediately. If you want to.