Dsc and op

[Teapotmadam]

My dh had just had a very major ok, he is likely to be in hispital for around 10 days.

We usually have the dsc (12 & 14) Wednesday night's and either Friday through to Sunday or Saturday through to Monday morning.

Dh and I have a 2 yo so at the moment I am working full time, loiking after dd and visiting dh when we/I .can. I am knackered and worried.

My question is dhs dexw thinks that I should continue the contact as usual, I feel as there dad is not here it is not up to me to continue, I am frankly tired and I don't really want the added strain of having two near teenage dsc for the entire weekend.

We do get along great but they don't help around the house, it's extra cooking and cleaning and tidying for me and with their dad not being there I think it's unfair on me.

I have taken them to the hospital to see their dad and have offered to take them any evening. Exw is furious and says that they're my responsibility on those days.

I don't know if everything that is happening is clouding my judgement and I am being a dick or whether under extraordinary circumstances she could just be fucking helpful for once.

[ElChan03]

What are sp expected to take responsibility for? Genuine question. I just understand that as they have no parental responsibility in most circumstances, what are they taking responsibility for?

[MycatsaPirate]

swing You seem to be missing the whole point. The mum in this case wants the sm to take her kids because she doesn't want them at home. Its' irrelevant whether the sm should take responsibility for them because the mum should. Dad is in hospital, the other parent isn't.

When my dp had his accident my youngest was 6 and spent several nights at a friends house so that I could do hospital visiting. I certainly wouldn't have taken on the responsibility of someone else's child when I was asking people to have my youngest.

At times like this, a little give and take is required. If the mum is just wanting rid of the kids regardless then it says more about her than it does about the op.

[ChaosNeverRains]

Coming at this from a slightly alternative viewpoint, while if my ex was in hospital I would expect the DC to stay with me, as someone with a partner, if my DP said to me that my children are not his responsibility he wouldn’t be my partner for long. My DC live with me full-time and I was indeed rushed to hospital around eighteen months ago, and while DC did stay with ex during the week, at the weekends they chose to come back to mine and to stay with my DP who then facilitated the hospital visits. Had he refused to allow them to stay in their own home and told me that they weren’t his responsibility, the relationship would have been over for me.

So while I do understand that the OP has her own DC and other things to be concerned with, the fact here is that this is also her dh’s children’s home. To state that she refuses to have them stay or that they’re not her responsibility makes a very clear statement that she doesn’t see her home as her DSC’s home. Yes of course it would be better if the children stayed with their mother while their dad is in hospital, but reality is that if you become involved with someone who has children then those children come as part of the package. What would have been the case if the children were staying there at the time the father had been taken to hospital? Should it be an expectation that they just be sent away because they’re not his partner’s responsibility? How many women would accept that for their own children?

If the OP feels excluded from her DSC’s lives day to day then that is something she needs to talk to her DH about when he’s in a position to do so. But it’s not wrong of the mother to expect that the children’s father’s home is also their home.

[FlippingFoal]

be it his partner because she agrees, or someone else if she doesn't, the responsibility doesn't fall back on the resident parent by default.

If the father is critically ill in hospital of course it does!

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

If the father is critically ill in hospital of course it does!

That assumes quite a lot, though. It assumes that the ex is always available and I can think of situations where I haven’t been. And where insurance wouldn’t pay out if my ex were ill. Or my job might be put in jeopardy. Or I’m out of the country. I have back up plans that don’t involve my ex so why shouldn’t he? Of course, emergencies can’t always be prepared for but there does need to be acknowledgement that just stepping in at a moment’s notice isn’t necessarily as easy as it sounds.

Of,course, that doesn’t make it the OP’s responsibility. But her partner, once well again, needs to quite seriously think through the ‘what ifs’ if his ex can’t/won’t step in.

[ElChan03]

I'm sure he'll be more careful next time he is in a horrific accident and plan a babysitter in advance so the dm is not inconvenienced.
How does any parent plan for this kind of thing?
I don't think dm job or holidays has been put in jeopardy by what op has said in previous posts.
I do think these are extraordinary circumstances.
If it had been a permanent operation I'm sure he would have discussed it with all concerned but it isn't.
Do feel very sorry for op and dp from some of these responses.

[ElChan03]

Preplanned operation sorry

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

I think in these cases you have to do exactly what would happen if the parents were still together and one parent was hospitalised, ie the parent who isn’t in hospital looks after the children.

[Biglettuce]

No and his Ex is being a cow to be insisting. He’s in hospital ffs.

She should show compassion, but failing that, tell her to go do one, cheeky cow.

[Teapotmadam]

I haven't ignored all responsibility to the dsc. I have taken them regularly to see him, I am taking them out yo dinner tonight as usually we would have them on Wednesday . However our own toddler gas spent a couple of nights here and there at grandparents house, so I can go to the hospital without him in tow as it is upsetting for him and so I can stay longer and see dh. I just feel that with everything and the fact some nights my own dc is spending nights away to give me some time, it's a but much to expect me to look after dsc, I have a good relationship with them, they understand and are happy to visit with me and have dinner etc. They aren't feeling pushed out of the family etc this is just the dm bring difficult

[Teapotmadam]

Too add of course if dm was going on holiday or said she couldn't have them due to work etc then it would he different but she hasnt. She has no reason not to have them home other than she doesn't want too. I could understand this if she never had a break but we have them every weekend and one day a were, for the sake of a couple of weeks in extraordinary circumstances I think she should be helpful

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

I suppose you could point out to the dsc’s mum that if she is hospitalised at some point in future your DH would be very happy to look after them during that time. But honestly it really shouldn’t need saying . I hope things get easier for you soon.