Dsc and op

[Teapotmadam]

My dh had just had a very major ok, he is likely to be in hispital for around 10 days.

We usually have the dsc (12 & 14) Wednesday night's and either Friday through to Sunday or Saturday through to Monday morning.

Dh and I have a 2 yo so at the moment I am working full time, loiking after dd and visiting dh when we/I .can. I am knackered and worried.

My question is dhs dexw thinks that I should continue the contact as usual, I feel as there dad is not here it is not up to me to continue, I am frankly tired and I don't really want the added strain of having two near teenage dsc for the entire weekend.

We do get along great but they don't help around the house, it's extra cooking and cleaning and tidying for me and with their dad not being there I think it's unfair on me.

I have taken them to the hospital to see their dad and have offered to take them any evening. Exw is furious and says that they're my responsibility on those days.

I don't know if everything that is happening is clouding my judgement and I am being a dick or whether under extraordinary circumstances she could just be fucking helpful for once.

[SoupDragon]

So if mum suddenly decides to go away on holiday with her friends for 2 weeks and her partner decides after two days that he has enough of looking after them, it's ok for him to drop them off at their dad because their mum is not there to look after them and they are not his responsibility!

That’s not the same at all as the DP in your scenario accepted the responsibility.

[Teapotmadam]

Sorry for the delay, it was emergency op, he was knocked off his bike by a car and his legs have been badly injured.

I agree about the dsc needing whipping into shape re the not cooking or helping, but now is frankly not the time to do it.

I refused to have the dsc, this weekend, I text their mum and explained why I can't at the moment, and said about continuing to take the children up to see their dad. I have said that on the Wednesday contact I will happily take them out for dinner after the hospital and then drop them home. but I won't be able to have them for this weekend coming. She is furious, she has no plans that they are interrupting by being home.

Her and dh don't get on, they split a long time ago (and before I ever meet him) contact was set at the beginning, the older dsc wants to spend every other weekend at ours, rather than every weekend (well fri - sun or sat - mon) but her mum wants it to continue as every weekend, so before this happened there were on-going discussions about that, not sure whether this is to do with that.

[Lovely333]

Shes being ridiculous, They are not your responsibility.

[Lovely333]

Crossed posts what a horrible time you are both having, Shes completly insensitive.
Ignore her op, you sound like a very decent stepmum.

[Greensleeves]

No, they are not your responsibility. The contact arrangement is for your dh and his children, not you (not that I am saying you don't matter or have a relationship with them, but the responsibility is his, not yours). You have enough on your plate and exw is being a dick.

Sorry you're going through such a stressful time. I hope your dh recovers soon

[NorthernSpirit]

What a selfish woman.

Contact is for the children to see their father, not because the mum fancies some time off.

She should be taking her children to see their dad in hospital, it’s not your responsibility. Nor do you have to provide childcare for her.

You are completely right.

[DontDIY]

What an awful woman. And trying to force her DC out of the house every weekend when they want to do every other? What kind of message does that give them?

I hope everything eases up and works out for you and your husband

[Teapotmadam]

Thanks everyone. It's been horrendous time and feeling really shaken and emotional so wasn't sure whether I was being horrible. I am just going to ignore the endless texts I am getting, I have said what I am able to do at the moment and just leave it at that. Don't want to argue wi5h her

[MycatsaPirate]

I feel for you teapotmadam my dp was knocked off his motorbike a few years back and was in an horrendous state in hospital and had to have life saving surgery.

His ex didn't insist on sending their DD round but was relentless in her attempts to get their 9 year old DD into the HDU to see her dad. Despite the age limit being 18 and above. She told everyone who would listen that I was stopping DD from seeing her dad and quite frankly it was grief I just didn't need. She even got her BIL to ring the unit and ask for special permission to get her in. They basically said no.

I was trying to juggle my kids, the house, school run and then do a two hour round trip to the hospital, sometimes twice a day to see him. I relied on an awful lot of people to help me look after my youngest (oldest was 13).

DP was in hospital for 8 days in total, I got him home the day for Xmas Eve. Even then I had both his kids round plus my two and I was getting demands to be given lifts to places and make separate dinners because they didn't like what I'd cooked. (It was Xmas, we were living off turkey for a week). DP spent most of his time asleep in the weeks he was home and in the end was off work for two years.

We then got hassle about maintenance payments dropping (we had no income), not taking his DD out to do fun things (that cost money) and generally so much grief that I ended up on a high dose of antidepressants.

Your DP's ex sounds incredibly selfish. She is overlooking the fact that her kids dad is in hospital with serious injuries. There doesn't seem to be any compassion for this or the struggle you are going through and I suspect this wont be the last of the issues you will face from her in the coming months while he is still recovering.

[swingofthings]

That’s not the same at all as the DP in your scenario accepted the responsibility.
The principle is exactly the same, or are you saying that if OP agreed to look after them but then decided she couldn't (which is the case as she will have them one evening), then she's accepted responsibility is should cover the entire time her husband can't look after them?

I do agree OP that it sounds like she is desperate to have her week-end for herself. Does she have a boyfriend she goes and visits, or an activity that takes her away? I assume she doesn't have an issue leaving them for a few hours at home alone at that age. Being furious seems a serious over-reaction in such circumstances!

[stitchglitched]

Gosh OP, her behaviour is even worse given that this was an emergency! Best wishes to you and your DP

[Teapotmadam]

swing she has a dp but they live together and been together years, no set hobbies that I'm aware of, none the kids have mentioned in passing or any she has said i need Sunday free for x hobby.

[Chewbecca]

I think you're right OP. In the past when we were in this phase, all contact with between DH and exW, I didn't get involved in that side of things. With hindsight, this was a great approach. Of course I was fully involved with DSSs when they were with us but not with arrangements because it was arrangements to see their Dad, not me (hence I think you are right!).

[SandyY2K]

The principle isn't the same swing
The stepmother is not a free babysitter.

Funnily enough my nephews and niece still go over to their dad's place (DB), when he's travelled on business and stay with their stepmum... but I think they like the change of environment... they're old enough not to need looking after....and they have a good relationship with SIL.

[grinchymcgrinchface]

The point of them going to stay with you is so they can see their dad. He is not there, so they don't go to yours. Should be that simple.
She is being very unreasonable and sounds like a horrible cow. They shouldn't come to you anyway (as above). But you also have your own child to look after and your husband is seriously hurt.

Would she look after your child because you wanted a weekend off (didn't think so). You are not her babysitter. Arrangements are between her and your husband.

If you've told her you're not having them and she is still sending endless messages then I would say that any more messages will be treated as harassment and you won't be responding to any more.

[Greensleeves]

You are absolutely not being horrible. Ignore the texts. You've said all you need to say.

Concentrate on looking after yourself, youve had a horrible shock

[MotherofaSurvivor]

EVERY weekend AND a day during the week? That is an awful lot of contact even when your DH is there?!

[theredjellybean]

OP... I do hope your dh is doing ok
I think though it's quite sad when people say things like ' why should you have them in your house when their dad's not there'
Because it's their house too, it's were their live with their other family... Their half sister and you and their dad and maybe they might need the security of being at 'dad's'... They must be terrified at the moment of what is happening and to basically told they can't be at the one place they associate with dad and be with the other people (you) who love their dad must be horrid.
Poor kids...

[AnneLovesGilbert]

So sorry for what you and DP are going through OP. Wishing him a speedy recovery

MotherofaSurvivor we have the same. Not a shocking amount of time for a father to see his children.

[MotherofaSurvivor]

Very shocking that a mother would want to spend that much time away from their child! I never could. To never be able to spend the weekend with your child? Then to lose them again halfway through the week? Not a chance!

[swingofthings]

Another thread with total double standards from some posters. So step mums shouldn't have to look after their step-children because the children only come to see their dads and they are not babysitters.

Yet we get threads after threads about SM complaining that they have no say in their SC's life, that they can't discipline them, that it is not ok that the kids only come to see their dad and won't have anything to do with them etc...

Just to be clear, I totally agree that in this case, considering the circumstances, the mother is being a complete * and it is totally understandable that OP is feeling under pressure and would be requesting that exceptionally they stay with her, but it's totally different to a situation by which her OP was away on business during his visit time, in which case, it would indeed be his responsibility to arrange for someone to look after his kids, be it his partner because she agrees, or someone else if she doesn't, the responsibility doesn't fall back on the resident parent by default.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Maybe if OP had been given more say in their upbringing, they'd be useful engaged members of the household who, at their age, could pitch in and make the OP's life a bit easier while she and her DP are going through this awful time.

Help clean and tidy if need be, at least clear up after themselves, make themselves and her an easy meal. Not need "babysitting".

It's not her fault, she's got enough on her hands right now and we don't know anything about the history. And as she's said, this isn't the time to start to try and install some maturity and self sufficiency into them. Not like she could do it herself either if the parents aren't on board.

I'm sure they're lovely and incredibly worried about their Dad. It's a shame they haven't been brought up to be a bit more handy.

But if you're using this as an excuse to have a pop at disengaged step parents, I'm not sure you've picked the right thread when you also have to agree that she's right.

[candycandles]

I'm not sure it is double standards from the stepmother though swing.

Stepmothers, by far and large get no say on discipline, contact Arrangements, health or school decisions etc. In my example I get left out both by mother and my dp on little things too, such as conversations between DSS and my DP but am then criticised for not knowing about it. I put my foot down on issues with DSS that effects the other children but am expected, and do, stay out of the decisions listed above. That is the norm.

Therefore it would be a bloody cheek for either my DP or DSS mum to expect me to become a parent just because it suits them at that time. That is what the OP is facing here. It suits the mother now to have OP take the children, but I imagine tomorrow when she starts pulling the children up on their lack of helpfulness around the house, that she'll be demonised fo doing so, potentially even by her DP.

So if a step mum is not allowed to be parent as the norm, it's not her responsibility to parent just because DP can't, and it suits the mother. And especially not in OP's situation.

[swingofthings]

ALG, I said a number of times that I totally understood OP's position and certainly don't defend the ex's attitude in this case in anyway.

Maybe if OP had been given more say in their upbringing, they'd be useful engaged members of the household who, at their age, could pitch in and make the OP's life a bit easier while she and her DP are going through this awful time.
I fully agree with you, but that's not what most SMs here are asking. They want a say in disciplining and upbringing, whilst at the same time have none of the responsibilities put upon them that comes with parenting.

My position is like yours, if you want some say, you need to accept some responsibility. If the DH expects some responsibilities, then the SM should be involved in some of the parenting decisions.

Neither party can have it only the way it suits them.

[swingofthings]

Sorry, my response was to this quote, not the above!
So if a step mum is not allowed to be parent as the norm, it's not her responsibility to parent just because DP can't, and it suits the mother. And especially not in OP's situation