11 year old SS

[Chanceit]

My SS is 11 years old, starts secondary school in September.

He has always enjoyed spending time with his dad and I and being at our house. He has friends who live near to us and also has friends near to his mums house (20 min drive from us)

Since the school hols he has been wanting to spend less and less time with us which is upsetting, especially for my OH. We usually see him at least two nights a week and every other weekend.

My OH asked him why he hasn't wanted to come much over the last few weeks and SS has said our rules are not as good as mums for him going out. We obviously asked him to go into further detail about this...

We allow him to play on the quiet street with friends on his scooter/bike and also allow him to go to the park and field across the road from ours to play football but he must have his phone on him if over at the field and off the field by 7pm and comes indoors at 8pm but during the holidays or weekend nights he can have a friend at ours until 9pm (if ok with said friends parents)

We thought his mum had similar rules to us and always actually thought that it was us who were easier going.

Well turns out that she has decided that now he will be at secondary school in September that he is ok to go out as early at 9am and come home 9pm if he wishes, sometimes without his phone and he has said he often just goes with some money to get himself some lunch and tea!! We asked him where he goes and he said 'wherever I like, mum doesn't mind'

My OH is planning on having a chat with her about all this and raise his concerns as neither of us think this is ok for an 11 year old child.

Any thoughts/opinions on this would be helpful?

[mikulkin]

I think it really depends where you live and how sensible your DSS. We live in central London so I only allowed my DS to be out from the morning till evening and pick up his own lunch from the age of 13 but I guess if we have lived in some smaller town I would have allowed it from 11. He is quite sensible, though I always asked to have his phone with him.
To be honest I never understood restrictions of having a friend over till 9 only during school holidays. Why can't they stay later? Neither my DS nor any of his friends had that.

[swingofthings]

You and his dad have concerns and want to talk amicably about it with his mum AFTER talking with DSS to determine whether he is telling how it really is. How is that not reasonable?

[Ilovetolurk]

I think it's too long without a phone and not yet at high school. What is he doing all day. My DS is 13 and can only this year do this provided he has his phone and responds to texts promptly. I feel I am being fairly relaxed about this.

I think your OH should be the one to raise this though OP. And not wanting to be dramatic but imagine if something terrible happened and it had not even been raised

[Janeismymiddlename]

Mum can look after her child in whatever way she sees fit on her time. There is no 'we don't agree' to be had. Up to her. Your partner can discuss it with her, of course, but it is not a conversation for you to be having.

I do agree 12 hours out of the house is too much at 11. However, he may well be exaggerating, may frequently return home during that 12 hours, or be inside in friend's houses for much of the time. Still up to his mum whether this is acceptable or not.

[Chanceit]

Yes he's a child, 7 years from being an adult... and how adult like are most 18 year old boys, really!

At 11 in my eyes he is still fairly young. He's only just completely primary school!

[whifflesqueak]

At 11 he isn't really a "fairly young child". He's a child, and you admit he's a sensible one.

You have every right to have an opinion of course, but it does sound like a very grey area. So probably no need to go in "all guns blazing" with his mum whatever the outcome of your chat.

[Chanceit]

I was half expecting criticism and I expect the main reason being is because I am posting as a SM

I care for my SS very much, as does his father.

I'm also certain that his mother will understand out concerns. I was just asking for thoughts and opinions of others with children of a similar age.

[Chanceit]

Flossy, for your information we have a fantastic relationship with his mother which as I said is why we haven't jumped to conclusions. I don't think an 11 year old should come and go as they please or provide their own lunch AND tea and if this is the case then no, we don't agree to it.

We have every right to have concerns and to have an opinion on what we believe is acceptable for his age.

I feel you have only read certain parts of the posts to believe we never let him go out

[Flossy1978]

It is up to your DH to talk to the Mother. Neither of you have the right to tell her how to parent her child at her home. Just because you don't like what she may do and think your parenting is the right way.

I don't understand how people aren't letting their kids out at 11. I must be a terrible Mother. Mine has been free to come and go already for a few years. Life is actually safer for children now than just a few decades ago. People think it isn't because we have 24/7 horrible news, when beforehand I can guarantee children were treated much worse without anyone knowing due to various reasons.

Poor kids today. 11 year old kids should be out playing and exploring life.

[Chanceit]

Swing, she shouldn't have any childcare issues because she works from home.

[Chanceit]

He is a very sensible boy but at 11 he is still a fairly young child

He can go to friends / cinema / other parks etc and often does with the agreement that we drop him off there and we arrange a time to pick him up, but always must have his phone.

The concern for us is that he is telling us him Mum allows him to spend 12 hours out a day, often without a phone (so how does she know where he is or that he is safe) and he has to take money to provide himself some lunch and tea.

We haven't jumped to any conclusions which is why my OH hasn't gone in all guns blazing to talk to his mum. SS is coming to ours this evening and we are going to chat to him about it again first, giving him the option to admit if he has not been completely truthful about all the details he told us.

[swingofthings]

Your rule seems more in line with what I have experienced with my children, if on the lenient side. DS at 11 was free to go to a friend's house on his own or the park for a couple of hours, although I would have expected him back at 6pm, but he rarely did because few of his friends were allowed out on their own and it's not until the end of Year 7 that a couple were allowed (but not all).

He is now 14 and it's the first summer he will go out for hours. Still I expect him to text me to let me know where he is going mostly and would want to hear from him before 7pm.

I personally would be concerned that he is free to be out all day without knowing where he goes, and that this would mean he rather do this then come to you. It is very possible that it means he hangs out with older kids and even up to things he shouldn't.

Your DP does need to speak with his mum. Is the issue childcare?

[Oswin]

Lots of kids that age are starting to go into town shopping etc. Just playing outside the house and maybe the park is more abnormal to me than what his mother is letting him do.
Your oh can raise his concerns but be prepared to not really have the reaction you hope for and for nothing to change.

[Missjumblebum1]

I don't think anyone can say what is right for individual children as it depends how sensible they are and also to some extent what the area they live in is like. I have a ten, almost eleven, year old and she is quite able to go off to the park, shopping, swimming, to the cinema etc with friends and I would have no issue with her taking money and getting lunch. I would however want her to have her phone and to at least let me know where she is going. For most of those she would need dropping off and picking up anyway as they are not close by.
I think you need to get the facts before jumping to the conclusion that he is leaving the house for 12 hours and his mum doesn't know where he is. When he is saying "wherever I like" it may be the case that his mum knows exactly where he is and is fine with it.
My daughter would probably say that I let her go where she wants. This is because she had never asked to go further than I would be happy with. She hasn't always got her phone if, for example she has just gone down to the park for half hour and has a watch on or just going to our local shop she might leave it at home but is trustworthy enough that I know she would be where she says.
I think at this age they are starting to go a bit further and have a bit more independence and also start to spend more time with friends rather than at home. I know this holiday has been the first for me that mine has been off out more than at home.
Obviously tho all children are different and some are more sensible and trustworthy than others.