New to this

[Scottishlass89]

Hi there folks, i'm sorry that this is going to be a wall of text. I'm at my wits end and am hoping this forum can perhaps shed some light, or at least benefit from you lovely people and your experiences. So...

Cut a long story short, i've been with my OH for nearly four years, we've came a long way in a short time and have went through hell and back. Unfortunately for me, I have PCOS and have been advised that in my case it is practically impossible for me to have kids, and if I do conceive it's a 99% chance of my miscarrying. He on the other hand has two children to a previous marriage, one in his third year of school, the other in first year of academy. I have not met either of these lovely boys as, shock horror, the ex wife is a rather bitter and poisonous woman.

Let me get this out here before I continue, I hate how women are slammed to be the bad one constantly in breakups, especially the whole 'bitter' role, however in this situation it is unfortunately very much the case. I strongly stand by the fact that i'm in no rush to meet these two children, do not wish to secretly force a situation where they accidentally meet me, or steal them from their mother and replace her. What is important to me is my man gets to see his kids on a regular occasion because he is an amazing father, and I believe wholeheartedly that kids need both parents no matter what the situation to have a healthy upbringing.

For the past three years she has put the stipulation down that he can only see the children in her house, to which he has declined. Now and again he has managed to arrange with them to meet in the town, take them for Mcdonalds and the like, but sadly all of these occasions could only be tallied up on two hands. What worries me most in the past year is he texts the kids on a daily basis, phones when they don't reply for a week at a time, and forever he can hear her in the background telling his kids what to say to the point that they are monotone and very awkward and uncomfortable during the conversation.

The only time he gets to contact the kids, to which he gets a reply, is if he phones/messages her, something that upsets him as they had a very venomous relationship which left him very angry. Thankfully though we've worked through this together and his mindset has changed to the more optimistic point, where he knows the kids comes first and yes she may try manipulate every situation but he must persist.

Recently though, he has stupidly messaged her on several occasions behind my back, worried that all the drama will pile on more stress to my already fragile state of mind, I have been diagnosed with BPD. Mercifully i've been blessed with that wonderful thing most women have, insight, that horrible feeling when you know something is wrong. So every time I have caught him out and of course felt betrayed as we should be working as a team, no woman wants to find out their partner is messaging their ex secretly no matter what the reason.

SO, my worry is, how the hell are we supposed to work around this bitter woman? It has gotten to the point where the youngest son has attempted to throw himself down the stairs, is seriously struggling to fit into the transition from primary to secondary school, and has constant panic attacks. This boy was once extremely confident and outgoing, what worries us most is that the only reason my OH found out about these issues was through his oldest son, NOT his ex-wife. My man is desperate to see his kids and I can see him struggling, this is weighing on him heavily and i'm worried for both his mental health and his children's.

Do you have any advice for this situation? I can only apologize if my ramblings haven't made any sense, this is the first time i've had the chance to be brutally honest and rant this out, if there are any questions please don't be afraid to ask. I just want these kids to have the benefit of seeing their dad and have a healthier lifestyle. The situation with his youngest child is what concerns me most, he has rapidly deteriorated and become withdrawn, although it has been commented that he is extremely happy after the occasions where he DOES get to see his dad.

[martinisandcake]

Hi OP,
Yes some of these responses are quite harsh and judgy but in their foundation they are right.

You already know that giving her more time won't work.

He does need to book mediation and speak to a solicitor asap.

This stage won't affect the children for some time thus giving her and him time to understand the process and prepare them.

A good mother will see the inevitable (perhaps) and will ensure they are ready for the changes which of course will happen.

There aren't any excuses for delaying this any longer, and at worst the court will determine contact which will have to be adhered to.

I understand this can be overwhelming as a process but it's the most important thing in your lives now and you don't have forever to wait, every day is a day lost which is a terrible thing.

[Scottishlass89]

My opinion is that you need to back right off. You have never even met this child. At this stage I'm not sure how it is helpful for you to be involved at all.

Again I appreciate the comments but maybe without realizing you are sounding extremely harsh and judgmental, not once do I actually ever express out loud my thoughts, especially to my OH. Especially at times like this where tensions are high and his children are going through so much, I would never be negative or try and persuade my partner to think badly of his children. As far as i've seen, many step parents have came to this site so they can rant their inner thoughts that they can't actually voice without feeling guilty, because we all feel frustrated in one way or another, and so far i've been met with the complete opposite in most regards. I'm beyond grateful for a good few seasoned users, who have giving non-judgmental advice and actually listened to my thoughts as a whole.

poster martinisandcake

We got a positive turn of events today, the Ex wife actually contacted him today and informed him that the youngest had a bad day at school and she actually managed to go into the school to talk to them about his progress. Also he is now considering talking to her about getting the youngest tested for Asperger's too. This is a massive breakthrough contact wise, i'm glad they both feel comfortable talking to each other now and are putting their children first rather than their anger at each other.

Fingers crossed he isn't an aspie, but at least it'll cancel out or at least provide him with support needed to get into a school timetable. I'll keep you all updated.

[AppleMagic]

I am judging you. You are armchair diagnosing a child that you have never met. You are assuming that you know something that has been missed by the parent who has had sole care of him, when you haven't ever met him. You aren't a step parent yet. It's great that you want your dp to play a more active parenting rule (especially as from what you've written it sounds like you are having to twist his arm to get him to do so) but I don't know why you think it is your place to have an opinion on how this child, that you don't know at all, is parented/has his schooling handled etc etc. You're putting the cart way way before the horse.

[MyWineTime]

It's all a bit confusing but from everything i've been told he is an extremely spoiled child
The problem is, you are relying on hearsay to form a judgement on a child you have never met, and that hearsay isn't even impartial.
Why doesn't your DP get assessed himself?