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[Scottishlass89]

Hi there folks, i'm sorry that this is going to be a wall of text. I'm at my wits end and am hoping this forum can perhaps shed some light, or at least benefit from you lovely people and your experiences. So...

Cut a long story short, i've been with my OH for nearly four years, we've came a long way in a short time and have went through hell and back. Unfortunately for me, I have PCOS and have been advised that in my case it is practically impossible for me to have kids, and if I do conceive it's a 99% chance of my miscarrying. He on the other hand has two children to a previous marriage, one in his third year of school, the other in first year of academy. I have not met either of these lovely boys as, shock horror, the ex wife is a rather bitter and poisonous woman.

Let me get this out here before I continue, I hate how women are slammed to be the bad one constantly in breakups, especially the whole 'bitter' role, however in this situation it is unfortunately very much the case. I strongly stand by the fact that i'm in no rush to meet these two children, do not wish to secretly force a situation where they accidentally meet me, or steal them from their mother and replace her. What is important to me is my man gets to see his kids on a regular occasion because he is an amazing father, and I believe wholeheartedly that kids need both parents no matter what the situation to have a healthy upbringing.

For the past three years she has put the stipulation down that he can only see the children in her house, to which he has declined. Now and again he has managed to arrange with them to meet in the town, take them for Mcdonalds and the like, but sadly all of these occasions could only be tallied up on two hands. What worries me most in the past year is he texts the kids on a daily basis, phones when they don't reply for a week at a time, and forever he can hear her in the background telling his kids what to say to the point that they are monotone and very awkward and uncomfortable during the conversation.

The only time he gets to contact the kids, to which he gets a reply, is if he phones/messages her, something that upsets him as they had a very venomous relationship which left him very angry. Thankfully though we've worked through this together and his mindset has changed to the more optimistic point, where he knows the kids comes first and yes she may try manipulate every situation but he must persist.

Recently though, he has stupidly messaged her on several occasions behind my back, worried that all the drama will pile on more stress to my already fragile state of mind, I have been diagnosed with BPD. Mercifully i've been blessed with that wonderful thing most women have, insight, that horrible feeling when you know something is wrong. So every time I have caught him out and of course felt betrayed as we should be working as a team, no woman wants to find out their partner is messaging their ex secretly no matter what the reason.

SO, my worry is, how the hell are we supposed to work around this bitter woman? It has gotten to the point where the youngest son has attempted to throw himself down the stairs, is seriously struggling to fit into the transition from primary to secondary school, and has constant panic attacks. This boy was once extremely confident and outgoing, what worries us most is that the only reason my OH found out about these issues was through his oldest son, NOT his ex-wife. My man is desperate to see his kids and I can see him struggling, this is weighing on him heavily and i'm worried for both his mental health and his children's.

Do you have any advice for this situation? I can only apologize if my ramblings haven't made any sense, this is the first time i've had the chance to be brutally honest and rant this out, if there are any questions please don't be afraid to ask. I just want these kids to have the benefit of seeing their dad and have a healthier lifestyle. The situation with his youngest child is what concerns me most, he has rapidly deteriorated and become withdrawn, although it has been commented that he is extremely happy after the occasions where he DOES get to see his dad.

[MyWineTime]

It's all a bit confusing but from everything i've been told he is an extremely spoiled child
The problem is, you are relying on hearsay to form a judgement on a child you have never met, and that hearsay isn't even impartial.
Why doesn't your DP get assessed himself?

[AppleMagic]

I am judging you. You are armchair diagnosing a child that you have never met. You are assuming that you know something that has been missed by the parent who has had sole care of him, when you haven't ever met him. You aren't a step parent yet. It's great that you want your dp to play a more active parenting rule (especially as from what you've written it sounds like you are having to twist his arm to get him to do so) but I don't know why you think it is your place to have an opinion on how this child, that you don't know at all, is parented/has his schooling handled etc etc. You're putting the cart way way before the horse.

[Scottishlass89]

My opinion is that you need to back right off. You have never even met this child. At this stage I'm not sure how it is helpful for you to be involved at all.

Again I appreciate the comments but maybe without realizing you are sounding extremely harsh and judgmental, not once do I actually ever express out loud my thoughts, especially to my OH. Especially at times like this where tensions are high and his children are going through so much, I would never be negative or try and persuade my partner to think badly of his children. As far as i've seen, many step parents have came to this site so they can rant their inner thoughts that they can't actually voice without feeling guilty, because we all feel frustrated in one way or another, and so far i've been met with the complete opposite in most regards. I'm beyond grateful for a good few seasoned users, who have giving non-judgmental advice and actually listened to my thoughts as a whole.

poster martinisandcake

We got a positive turn of events today, the Ex wife actually contacted him today and informed him that the youngest had a bad day at school and she actually managed to go into the school to talk to them about his progress. Also he is now considering talking to her about getting the youngest tested for Asperger's too. This is a massive breakthrough contact wise, i'm glad they both feel comfortable talking to each other now and are putting their children first rather than their anger at each other.

Fingers crossed he isn't an aspie, but at least it'll cancel out or at least provide him with support needed to get into a school timetable. I'll keep you all updated.

[martinisandcake]

Hi OP,
Yes some of these responses are quite harsh and judgy but in their foundation they are right.

You already know that giving her more time won't work.

He does need to book mediation and speak to a solicitor asap.

This stage won't affect the children for some time thus giving her and him time to understand the process and prepare them.

A good mother will see the inevitable (perhaps) and will ensure they are ready for the changes which of course will happen.

There aren't any excuses for delaying this any longer, and at worst the court will determine contact which will have to be adhered to.

I understand this can be overwhelming as a process but it's the most important thing in your lives now and you don't have forever to wait, every day is a day lost which is a terrible thing.

[AppleMagic]

It's all a bit confusing but from everything i've been told he is an extremely spoiled child compared to his older brother, to the point he used to sleep in his mum's bed at night even a year ago because he'd throw a tantrum and it was easier than try to get him to sleep in his own, this is at 11 years old. It's a really strange situation, i'm writing this in hopes that maybe you can all give me opinions on the matter as I have never had children.

My opinion is that you need to back right off. You have never even met this child. At this stage I'm not sure how it is helpful for you to be involved at all.

[Scottishlass89]

thecakes My oh has never been properly diagnosed, but with how it runs in majority of male side in his family and his "quirks" etc its pretty obvious what he has.

As for youngest child i did ask if he had been diagnosed and apparently hes never been assessed. Unfortunately something that is between oh and ex wife to decide on, i think because compared to his brother and cousin he was a social butterfly and his attitude/behavior has only come about/worsened these past few months they arent looking at aspbergers

Ill talk more to my OH tomorrow more in depth about possibilities. Thank you for your input its given me more to think about

[TheCakes]

OP, I'm glad things are moving forward, but in terms of the youngest boy, has he been seen by CAMHS?
If there's Aspergers in the family, there is a strong hereditary link, and it could be he has some kind of ASD, HFA, Aspergers type condition. Some of the behaviour you describe would fit.
The thing I'm confused about is that any dx of an ASD, including Aspergers, rules out a career in the armed forces. Was DH only diagnosed after discharge? Seems odd, but I guess that's not the point of the thread.
If it's in the family and DSS2 is displaying difficulties at home and in school, he needs support.

[Scottishlass89]

Also, they finally got into discussion about the youngest child.


We had just found out during the phone call that since him attempting to throw himself down the stairs the school stopped sending homework, and he rarely goes to any classes, they have pardoned him with a special timetable, won't even sit in the base and instead come home and sit. My OH is obviously concerned he will fall back a year, due to literally not attending any of his classes and it's already half way through the year.

Apparently from a young age he has always been stubborn or lazy in a sense, it's really hard for me to describe it but i'll try. When he was younger they thought he couldn't read, then they found out one day he could perfectly but just 'didn't want to' or 'couldn't be bothered'. His mum used to allow him days off school when he threw a tantrum, my OH was at work, and he'd just sit and play xbox all day.

His ex said something on the phone that we both thought strange, that she thinks sometimes he is just laughing at everyone and it's all just a game. What prompted us to agree is that after the phone call with my OH, she attempted to talk to the younger boy about doing schoolwork from home or in the base, not pressuring him to go into classes but just homework, to which he freaked out and got angry at her and made a scene.

It's all a bit confusing but from everything i've been told he is an extremely spoiled child compared to his older brother, to the point he used to sleep in his mum's bed at night even a year ago because he'd throw a tantrum and it was easier than try to get him to sleep in his own, this is at 11 years old. It's a really strange situation, i'm writing this in hopes that maybe you can all give me opinions on the matter as I have never had children.

[Scottishlass89]

Inztantfunk

Thank you so much for posting, i'm so sorry to hear you suffer with the same things both mentally and physically but it's also good to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Inztantfunk]

Scottishlass, Your post is very much like my situation.I suffer with PCOS and anxiety , but please keep going there will be anger, tears, and even some days you will not want to get out of bed. (OH as well). It has taken 7/8 years for things to calm down my end. Courts and CSA not involved. Your Oh needs to see the boys as much as he can/aloud to even speak to them on the phone. Im afraid the ex will be in the back ground while on the phone.
Offer to take the kids to the park or out for the day. The ex will need a break too. I do think its about time you met the boys though they need some stabilty in their lives. they need a happy home as you said the boys love seeing their dad.(you dont have to be around all the time go out shopping, or for a coffee, i do and usually one of kids wants to come with me. especially now one of the boys is now at secondary school. thats a massive change for him. My hubby used to talk on the phone in secret to the ex and then keep it all to himself I could see it was making him ill. talk to him, let him talk to you. help each other.
But keep going. all the best.x

[nephrofox]

So have you or dh taken any Acton today?

[Scottishlass89]

and again, thank you Lunar.

[MyWineTime]

I have read every word of it.

He's put his hands up and admitted to putting his head in the sand, let her take control of the kids and their upbringing
Then he hasn't been a decent father. I am not surprised she is fed up with him.

[Scottishlass89]

I hope this is not now going to turn into all residential parents are women and saints. I can see a lot of generalisation sneaking in and it is not helpful to anybody and always makes these threads turn into a step mum NRP bashing.

The OP needs help, constructive advise - starting to say that all men fall into the category of pretending to be a victim is incredibly frustrating.

OP I expect this thread is going to turn, I would second lunar keep posting as you will get help and support.


Thank you Poppy, I really appreciate the help it's taken such a massive weight off my shoulders. I'll definitely keep you all updated, keep your fingers crossed for us. I can officially say that this topic is closed as it is taking a dramatic nosedive. Stay safe everyone.

[Kokosjumping]

Advise, not advice.

[Kokosjumping]

I'm not saying he's like anything, I don't know him or his ex from Adam.

I'd advice you from getting too over invested though. His kids, his ex, his choices. Not your job to fix.

[Lunar1]

The op will find out for herself if her dp is genuine, or if he's needlessly blaming the ex.

It's not exactly a straight forward situation given the multiple mental health difficulties faced by all the adults consented. I don't think people need to keep criticising, she has taken everyone's points on board.

[PoppyPicklesPenguin]

I hope this is not now going to turn into all residential parents are women and saints. I can see a lot of generalisation sneaking in and it is not helpful to anybody and always makes these threads turn into a step mum NRP bashing.

The OP needs help, constructive advise - starting to say that all men fall into the category of pretending to be a victim is incredibly frustrating.

OP I expect this thread is going to turn, I would second lunar keep posting as you will get help and support.

[Scottishlass89]

poster Kokosjumping

No need for that, if you read it you would have seen from the start that I wasn't believing that she was the 'bitter ex' from hearsay but from personal experiences.

[Kokosjumping]

I did rtft :)

[Scottishlass89]

poster MyWineTime

Please read the rest of the comments before posting, it was giving her a last chance, for three months, not setting her up but giving proof, but I agree after thinking it over it wasn't right. Just a desperate attempt at sorting something out, i'm taking Lunar's advice

poster Kokosjumping

Again please read all posts before commenting. I'm not naive enough to believe that she is a demon and he is perfect, far from that in fact. I'm sorry to hear that your father is that manipulative though and your mother is judged by others.

[Kokosjumping]

My Dad has managed to convince all his girlfriends he is an amazing father too, and that my mother is a bitter and poisonous woman.

I think he genuinely believes the delusion. Unfortunately so do the partners he ends up with good luck to them.

[MyWineTime]

After speaking we've decided that he's going to phone and text her later this week to arrange that she makes a point of asking the kids twice a week if they've heard from their dad and to promote light hearted conversations so they know it's acceptable to talk about their contact with him. We will let this go on for a month in hope that she does as suggested, then if the lack of contact continues from the kids, contact her after a month to ask why she hasn't kept to her side of the bargain. Then again for another month, so that it's been seen for three months consistently that he has tried and she hasn't complied, to which at the end he will tell her that he is going to the courts as it has went on too long.
What the hell are you thinking coming up with this nonsense?
What on earth makes you and your DP think that this is in any way acceptable or helpful?
What even gives you the right to tell her to do this?
You have complained that SHE is manipulative yet you have come up with this contrived method of setting her up.

[Scottishlass89]

Lunar1

Thank you so very much, I will keep you all updated and let me say the advice given has been so helpful and given me a peace of mind. I've so badly needed this, I hope it helps him and the children, they deserve so much better.

poster Livelovebehappy

Also, i'm really sorry to hear you were in that awful situation, I hope things have improved for both you and your children hun

[Scottishlass89]

I suspect his ex-w would have a very different tale to tell. Having been described as the 'very bitter poisonous EW' by my ex-h new partner, I can say that unfortunately men will always play the victim and always play the blameless one

I agree that society and so many men do the same, thankfully though my OH isn't the same. He's put his hands up and admitted to putting his head in the sand, let her take control of the kids and their upbringing, I have even spoken to her before on the phone on several occasions. She genuinely is bitter, and to an extent I can understand why, i'm very open minded and take people as I find them rather than judge on opinions of others, sadly though i've been able to figure out her move before she makes it, though process and all, which has been good damage limitation wise but in the long run confirmed how bitter she is.

I agree though, he hasn't done nearly enough, and it's time to change now that i've found my voice.