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[Scottishlass89]

Hi there folks, i'm sorry that this is going to be a wall of text. I'm at my wits end and am hoping this forum can perhaps shed some light, or at least benefit from you lovely people and your experiences. So...

Cut a long story short, i've been with my OH for nearly four years, we've came a long way in a short time and have went through hell and back. Unfortunately for me, I have PCOS and have been advised that in my case it is practically impossible for me to have kids, and if I do conceive it's a 99% chance of my miscarrying. He on the other hand has two children to a previous marriage, one in his third year of school, the other in first year of academy. I have not met either of these lovely boys as, shock horror, the ex wife is a rather bitter and poisonous woman.

Let me get this out here before I continue, I hate how women are slammed to be the bad one constantly in breakups, especially the whole 'bitter' role, however in this situation it is unfortunately very much the case. I strongly stand by the fact that i'm in no rush to meet these two children, do not wish to secretly force a situation where they accidentally meet me, or steal them from their mother and replace her. What is important to me is my man gets to see his kids on a regular occasion because he is an amazing father, and I believe wholeheartedly that kids need both parents no matter what the situation to have a healthy upbringing.

For the past three years she has put the stipulation down that he can only see the children in her house, to which he has declined. Now and again he has managed to arrange with them to meet in the town, take them for Mcdonalds and the like, but sadly all of these occasions could only be tallied up on two hands. What worries me most in the past year is he texts the kids on a daily basis, phones when they don't reply for a week at a time, and forever he can hear her in the background telling his kids what to say to the point that they are monotone and very awkward and uncomfortable during the conversation.

The only time he gets to contact the kids, to which he gets a reply, is if he phones/messages her, something that upsets him as they had a very venomous relationship which left him very angry. Thankfully though we've worked through this together and his mindset has changed to the more optimistic point, where he knows the kids comes first and yes she may try manipulate every situation but he must persist.

Recently though, he has stupidly messaged her on several occasions behind my back, worried that all the drama will pile on more stress to my already fragile state of mind, I have been diagnosed with BPD. Mercifully i've been blessed with that wonderful thing most women have, insight, that horrible feeling when you know something is wrong. So every time I have caught him out and of course felt betrayed as we should be working as a team, no woman wants to find out their partner is messaging their ex secretly no matter what the reason.

SO, my worry is, how the hell are we supposed to work around this bitter woman? It has gotten to the point where the youngest son has attempted to throw himself down the stairs, is seriously struggling to fit into the transition from primary to secondary school, and has constant panic attacks. This boy was once extremely confident and outgoing, what worries us most is that the only reason my OH found out about these issues was through his oldest son, NOT his ex-wife. My man is desperate to see his kids and I can see him struggling, this is weighing on him heavily and i'm worried for both his mental health and his children's.

Do you have any advice for this situation? I can only apologize if my ramblings haven't made any sense, this is the first time i've had the chance to be brutally honest and rant this out, if there are any questions please don't be afraid to ask. I just want these kids to have the benefit of seeing their dad and have a healthier lifestyle. The situation with his youngest child is what concerns me most, he has rapidly deteriorated and become withdrawn, although it has been commented that he is extremely happy after the occasions where he DOES get to see his dad.

[Scottishlass89]

satinthedark

I understand why you asked that question, as like you said it would make much more sense with her attitude at least, but no that isn't the case. I'm a strong believer in marriage, faithfulness, along with how parenting should be.

I've known his family for a long time due to I worked in a local pub/restaurant and it is a small-ish town, so thankfully your theory on that side is incorrect.

[AyeAmarok]

But then he's not a great dad though OP.

You may think there are mitigating circumstances, but you're not objective. He's been a shit father to his children. He needs to own that and make very rapid changes.

[Scottishlass89]

But then he's not a great dad though OP

If that's your opinion on the matter I can't argue with it, I wouldn't go as far as to say he has been a shit dad, but I can say he has been far too passive and it isn't right, it angers me.

My own dad was far from perfect and I had a horrible upbringing, these past few years he has changed and seen the error of his ways which I apprectiate, i'm hoping by steering my OH in the right direction that it'll help both him and his kids before too much damage is done.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

No, it was not a lie, why would that even be an option?

I have no idea, you're the one that said it! And then said it wasn't what happened at all.

OP he isn't the only one with his head in the sand. You are his enabler.

[Lunar1]

So a man desperate for proper contact with his children is going to sit on his hands for another three months before he comes up with another half arsed plan. This is not what being a decent parent looks like.

He needs to speak to her very bluntly and arrange a proper contact plan at your joint home, with the intention of increasing this gradually to at least every other weekend. If she won't agree, he can inform her that he will see a solicitor. Call her bluff.

[Scottishlass89]

poster JenLindleyShitMom

Look, i've posted at least three times now that I am ridiculously bad at explaining myself, I panic and don't realize i've missed things and haven't written down everything my brain is trying to articulate. You, my friend, are being very aggressive and not helpful, if I was the enabler I wouldn't have made this post and followed advice, if you don't have anything nice to say please don't accuse and point the finger. You're an adult and i'm presuming a mum, you should know better than to behave in such a manner.

[Scottishlass89]

He needs to speak to her very bluntly and arrange a proper contact plan at your joint home, with the intention of increasing this gradually to at least every other weekend. If she won't agree, he can inform her that he will see a solicitor. Call her bluff.

Do you think that will work? We are both genuinely worried that will set her off and in turn it will affect the children, if you think it's the right thing to do i'm more than happy to agree with this course of action.

[NNChangeAgain]

Sad to say that he was in the army and suffers from PTSD, he was abused in childhood, and also has Asperger's in the mix. In turn it's made him adopt the philosophy that it's easier to accept than argue,

Those are all very valid reasons for his behaviour, and he's doing the best he can within his capabilities.

But, they are limitations. As you have implied, he could be a much better father to his DCs if he wasn't struggling with those issues.

Some of those things he can get support to overcome with counselling, medication and professional support.

But he may never be able to give his DCs what they need to help them deal with their mums behaviour. Their mum is only 50% responsible - your DP must take responsibility for his action, or lack of action, no matter how justifiable it is.

[nephrofox]

Agree with previous posters that he needs to step up to the plate. The idea that the mum will bad mouth him to the kids for going to court is nothing compared to the impression they will grow up with in the long run if he never bothers to fight for them.

There is a link between young boys' mental health and absent fathers. The best way to help his son is to play an active role in his life. Anything less is frankly shameful.

What has brought this to a head now?

[Scottishlass89]

But he may never be able to give his DCs what they need to help them deal with their mums behaviour. Their mum is only 50% responsible - your DP must take responsibility for his action, or lack of action, no matter how justifiable it is.

Thank you for understanding, and I agree fully with you. I actually said to him that it was both him and her to blame for how this has all escalated over the years, but HE is actually the enabler, if he hadn't put his head in the sand then from the very beginning then she wouldn't have been able to take it so far. I would like to thank you and all the other helpful posters, it's made me realize that my thoughts through the years were valid and I wasn't being the overbearing 'second wife'.

[Lunar1]

Being passive has not worked. It is more damaging in the long term to see that their dad never fought for them. All the time this is going on months are turning to years and his children are growing up without him. Childhood goes by in the blink of an eye.

He also needs to be firm that after the first few visits to your home, you will be present. Unless you were a vicious, manipulative OW or a dangerous criminal then you should spend a decent portion of each visit with them.

[nephrofox]

The "plan" to encourage his ex to have lighthearted conversations about him weekly is possibly the biggest load of bollcks ive ever read on here. Do you seriously think she will just agree and hen action this? Even if she were the most rational and pleasant ex, I very much doubt she would be up for having her conversation topics dictated by the absent non-contributing father while she is busy looking after the kids 24/7.

Does he pay maintainance?

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Look OP, make all the excuses you like (for his behaviour and your own contradictory posts) bottom line is, this guy needs to step up and fix his own parenting failures. That involves taking action and dropping the excuses. Or just accepting he isn't what he is and he'll see his kids every couple of years when the remember he exists.

[Scottishlass89]

What has brought this to a head now?

I agree, just as if a son has an unhealthy relationship with his mother it leads to dark issues as they age, I don't want that on either side and want they boys to have a loving relationship with both parents.

After hearing how fragile the youngest one has become, over this past month of two especially, it's made me find my voice and realize that him taking the back seat and letting her be in control just isn't working. Because of my BPD, PTSD, and PCOS, I always second guess my thought patterns and worry i'm too emotional and not thinking rationally, which is why i've came here for some help, hopefully following all your advice things will change for the better and quickly

[Scottishlass89]

He also needs to be firm that after the first few visits to your home, you will be present. Unless you were a vicious, manipulative OW or a dangerous criminal then you should spend a decent portion of each visit with them.

Thankfully i'm none of the above, but do you not think it's best that he sees them first for a good while in our home alone so that they build a stable relationship and pattern?

Does he pay maintainance?

I suppose you're right that she isn't rational and it won't work, like other people have just posted. Yeah, he has paid maintenance and has kept a paper trail from the beginning.

JenLindleyShitMom

I'm not sitting and get drawn into an argument with someone who likes to play keyboard gangster, if you bother to look at my replies to other people, I have agreed that he needs to take responsibility and that things need to change. So please, less of the unnecessary negativity.

[NNChangeAgain]

it's made me realize that my thoughts through the years were valid and I wasn't being the overbearing 'second wife'.

As long as they remain thoughts, your not.

But, there is a big difference between supporting him to think things through to reach his own decisions, and telling him what to do.

My DH and I discuss the long, sordid and complicated situation with his DCs when issues come up. I suggest options. I act as devils advocate. But, I never tell him what I think he should do.
There has been one occasion when I've told him that his decision has resulted in my losing respect for him - it was a real make-or-break situation; but we worked through it and both of us compromised.

If his parenting values are so different to yours that you do not have respect for him as a father, then there may not be a long term future for you as a couple.

[Scottishlass89]

As long as they remain thoughts, your not.

But, there is a big difference between supporting him to think things through to reach his own decisions, and telling him what to do.

I'm sad to see you've been in a similar situation in that sense, but again I do agree and made a point when he agreed with me that I don't want him doing this because I think it's best, HE needs to understand what the best route for his children is and see the error of his ways. I'm happy to accept that if his values and morals don't match up and things don't change for the better that there isn't a future for us, thank you for being so honest.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

So please, less of the unnecessary negativity.

I'm glad you recognise things need to change, however, you can't dictate how people respond to your posts and when you post about him as you have you cannot be surprised to receive negative comments about his behaviour. You yourself admit He hasn't done enough. That's an under statement and as I already said his most recent plan falls well short of the target. He isn't still not doing enough.

[Scottishlass89]

I'm glad you recognise things need to change, however, you can't dictate how people respond to your posts and when you post about him as you have you cannot be surprised to receive negative comments about his behaviour. You yourself admit He hasn't done enough. That's an under statement and as I already said his most recent plan falls well short of the target. He isn't still not doing enough

Far from dictating, this post you wrote here was far less aggressive to which I have no issue in listening to and accepting. Problem is, you were far too quick to judge the situation and refusing to listen to anything written, as a previous user has written everything is not so 'black and white', I am listening to everyone here and taking notes left right and center. Do you really think though that being as forward and unforgiving as you have been is good support for someone in my position who has finally plucked up the courage to seek out help?

I hope that one day when you need advice and help from another, they don't react as you have and treat the situation with kindness and patience before jumping the gun.

[MyWineTime]

Sorry I'm not buying this at all.
If he really wanted to see his kids, he would have put in more effort. He has put in very little.
I don't understand why you don't like him contacting his ex without your knowing. Surely he should be in regular contact with her?
Is he paying regular maintenance?

His youngest tried to throw himself down the stairs, his dad doesn't have a close relationship with him, you've never met him, yet somehow you are blaming his mum for the problems he is having? Your DP cannot expect to be involved in issues around his son's mental health unless he is actively involved as a father.

Maybe his ex has a reason for reacting the way she does towards him.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

you were far too quick to judge the situation and refusing to listen to anything written,

I judged based on exactly what you wrote. The fact that you then decided you didn't mean what you wrote is not my fault.

I hope that one day when you need advice and help from another, they don't react as you have and treat the situation with kindness and patience before jumping the gun.

MN has thankfully always been somewhere I know I can get the blunt truth, I hope this continues. I don't need patronising and told there is no problem when there is. Truth every time please.

[nephrofox]

Between the pair of you you have PTSDx2, history of childhood abuse, BPD, PCOS, aspergers and possibly some I've missed.

With all due respect, I suspect you need some assistance with dealing with this and working out exactly what you can offer these children. Taking into account their fathers health, shift patterns etc - what role is he willing and able to play in their lives with consistency?

If I was the ex I would be wanting to hear a sensible plan for how he contributes to parenting the children in a consistent and positive manner. If you started messing me around with changing shifts and letting the kids down I wouldn't have much patience. Nor would I be very interested in you having a few trips to McDonald's - it's real parenting the kids need, not day trips

[Lunar1]

You live together, as long as they get some time with just their dad then you are now part of their extended family. I'd be vary wary of anyone suggesting you are not part of things. If contact builds up where would you be expected to go!!

[Scottishlass89]

*Sorry I'm not buying this at all.
If he really wanted to see his kids, he would have put in more effort. He has put in very little.
I don't understand why you don't like him contacting his ex without your knowing. Surely he should be in regular contact with her?
Is he paying regular maintenance?

His youngest tried to throw himself down the stairs, his dad doesn't have a close relationship with him, you've never met him, yet somehow you are blaming his mum for the problems he is having? Your DP cannot expect to be involved in issues around his son's mental health unless he is actively involved as a father. *

I didn't once say that she is to blame for how the child is, if you've read through all my posts you'll see that they are both to blame, the situation has went on far too long and the children are suffering because of the poisonous relationship that their parents have shared. They both put their own needs and anger towards one another over the children and that is wrong. I've already posted about maintenance, and as for regularly contacting she was texting and phoning abuse at the wee hours in the morning, we agreed to make contact limited unless it was to do with the children as it was giving the ex the wrong idea which wasnt fair on her.

JenLindleyShitMom

You commented on these things AFTER i'd stated how I struggle at explaining myself and my brain gets muddled up, it isn't my fault my brain works that way and you weren't patient enough to understand. If you want to keep posting in a passive aggressive manner then that is up to you.

poster nephrofox

She has bi-polar and several other issues too, as i'm saying things are far from clear cut, but we've both been going to counselling for some time. He wants to give the kids consistency, for them to come to the house, have dinner again and do homework etc, which she has not allowed, so i'm taking the advice from another poster and hopefully things will change in the next month for the better.

[Scottishlass89]

Lunar1

I agree with you on that one, he has always wanted me to meet the kids but at the time it was too soon and too much is going on. I thought it was best for him and them to have a stable relationship before before I was introduced, but I understand your perspective and your thoughts on the matter. My mum literally lives four doors up, so I wouldn't mind going there at least for the first few times, but i'm taking your advice in considering and very seriously.

nephrofox

Sorry I meant to elaborate more by saying that we are hopefully going to call her bluff as a previous poster has suggested, this has went on for far too long. I agree it isn't fair on the kids and he hasn't done nearly enough, but hopefully from today with all the support many of you have given, things will take a turn for the better.