Struggling to bond with 4yo step son

[lacjj90]

Hi, New to mumsnet but have found some articles in here previously that have made me feel "not-so-alone".
I feel as though I'm in a really desperate situation at home with regards to my 4yo step son. I am 26 and my partner of 2years is 41 and had a 4yo son from a previous relationship.
At the beginning, I had a fantastic relationship with my step son and couldn't get enough of him, now I struggle to even show him any affection.
He really is a lovely little boy, very well behaved, never plays up, but I am repulsed by the idea of being maternal towards him.
I don't have children of my own, but would love to have children with my partner, however, I am terrified that if I discuss my true feelings with him about his son, he will leave me.
From my point of view, I see my step son as a symbol of the fact that my partner once loved someone else enough to have a child with them, and the jealousy that this creates within me is eating me alive.
The 4yo is incredibly intelligent, and he talks about "mummy" all the time in my presence and how much he loves her, and even ignores me when I am talking to him, or will give me total silent treatment.
My partner recognises that his son is territorial, and takes control of the situation when the 4yo is winding me up (so to speak), but this doesn't seem to help.
I know a lot of people here would tell me to grow up and realise that this is what I "signed up for" when I started a relationship with a man who has a child, but I feel totally isolated.
I feel that everyone would hate me if I made my true feelings known, and that it would be the end to one of the most loving relationships I've had with another person.
In short, I feel instinctively repulsed by this child - he is not mine, he never will be, and I would never wish him to be. I feel like his presence in the relationship is a burden and it is slowly driving a wedge between my partner and I.
Childish it may be, but I wish he didn't exist!
I'm very sorry if anybody takes offence to that, but deep down, that is how I feel about this child and I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if I can't get these feelings off my chest.
Is anyone else in a similar situation? I feel very alone and don't know what to do.
Thanks x

[Just5minswithDacre]

And set a time limit (6 or 12 months) if you can't change the way you feel, you will need to leave.

Also consider counselling x

[Greenyogagirl]

At the beginning you had a fantastic relationship and couldn't get enough of him.
Now you're repulsed by him and wishes he didn't exist.

That 4yo does not understand what he's done wrong, you have completely changed your mind about him for no reason other than the novelty wore off. He talks about his family, the most important person being his mum.

People foster, adopt and raise step kids as their own all the time, the problem is definitely you and you do need to get out of the relationship as it will be toxic for everyone.

[Writingdragonfly]

I don't think it's a novelty wearing off I think emotionally she is struggling and that's NORMAL! She may have vocalised something that most SMs are thinking, that life would be easier without the kids, it would! Of course it would! It doesn't make you a bad person for that thinking crossing your mind! Scientists have proven that normal people have thoughts like "what would happen if I dropped my child in this Water" or "what if i steer my car into that tree?" But what makes you sane is NOT acting on it! OP do not beat yourself up, but don't blame the boy either, 4 year olds are a pain in the ass most of the time by default but they are also amazing and hilarious! Find a way to bond with him that's a you and him thing that you can look forward to, whether that's getting up early on the day he's with you to bake or cook pancakes or something more active, or even if you take over reading the bedtime story or something so you have a time that's for you and him.
I find it hard to bond with my partners boys but we don't live together and I only see them one weekend a month really so my mind fills in the blanks with scary thoughts and all the ways it could go wrong!
I still think seeing a counsellor will help, TELL yourself you love him, try to use any opportunity to praise him and cuddle him and it'll come together, love is an action as well as a feeling!

[swingofthings]

I totally agree with writingdragonfly, OP is at least honest with how she feels and wants to do something about it, rather than assuming that she is entitled to her feelings and therefore everyone should change their ways to suit her as a few number of new SM do.

Bonding with a SC is not essential. My husband doesn't really have a bond with my kids and doesn't like my boy much. However, we make it work because for he respects me as their mum, that is that he never judges me and most importantly, never makes demands that will affect how I want to raise my children. Their relationship is limited and polite, which is fine as we all have very busy lives anyway, so we don't have a 'let's do everything together' type of set up. OH is happy to go on holiday once a year all together and it's usually during that time they bond best and do enjoy each other's company.

The issue when you feel this way is two folded. For 1/ you can't expect OH and child to accept how you feel whilst also accepting that they have to change their ways to suit you. Either you are involved or your not. For 2/ your OH needs to know how you feel. You might be frightened to burst his bubble that you can be a happy family, but it is much better than he should know where he stands so the truth doesn't come to hit him later when the disappointment will affect him much more.

And then of course, with time, you might start to feel differently. OH didn't bond at all with DD when she was in her early teens, but they now get along fine and are getting closer year on year as she becomes an adult. I am confident that the same will happen with DS, when he too comes out of his moody self-absorb teenage years.

BTW, I was a step-child of both a SM who clearly wished I hadn't existed then, but felt a duty to be highly involved in my up-bringing, and a SD who didn't care to spend much time with me, but didn't get involved in my life. Guess who I appreciated much more! My SM made my life a misery and I would have done anything for her to just leave me alone.

[Babettescat]

leave.

now.

[TealLove]

Repulsed?
Gosh I think you should leave.
I say this as a SP who struggled massively with my DHs kids. I was annoyed, exasperated but repulsed?
Jesus.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

It's fine to feel how you feel; it's great to be honest and recognise those feelings. But what do you do now? What's the next step?

You resent your boyfriend's past but at 41 he will have a very big past! And he's with you now, that should be enough to get over those insecurities. If it isn't, you should avoid men with 'baggage' because you're not mature enough to cope with it.

Meanwhile, you absolutely must not have children with this boyfriend because your resentment towards his son will only grow. He'll be the cuckoo in your nest (except he was there first!) and his presence will irritate you more, furthering your dislike of him. And don't think you can hide it, the poor lad will know. How would you feel if it was your son in that situation? Isn't that enough for you to walk away?

For what it's worth, when I was about 23 I met a lovely man in his early thirties who had a great job, was handsome, funny, kind. But he had two young children with his ex-wife. After a few weeks we were really starting to like each other - but as it got real I suddenly knew absolutely that I wasn't ready to be with someone who already had children. They deserved more from their father's girlfriend and needed someone prepared to do the right thing by them, to appreciate and care about them. I didn't resent them at all and certainly wasn't jealous but knew if I was going to be a 'step' parent in any capacity I'd want to do it right. So I broke it off. I'm so proud looking back that I made that choice for two children I had never met. If I was 35 my choice would be different but in my twenties I just wasn't ready.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

I waited 6 years before I left my ex.
I don't regret having children with him, but my resentment only occurred after having children of my own. It takes a better person than that to have children with a man with children. I had 3 children with him and each time the space for her in my "nest" grew smaller.

[LogicalThinking]

There is no future in this relationship. The resentment will increase and these negative feelings will get worse.

This child will be in his dad's life forever. His needs will always take priority over yours during his childhood years. If anything happens to his mum, he will come to live permanently with his dad. If the thought of that horrifies you, then you cannot continue this relationship.

Struggling to bond with him is one problem, but actually being repulsed by him is too much to deal with. He is very young and he needs to feel safe and loved when he is with his dad. You can't compete. If you have children with this man you will find it even harder to include this boy and that is unfair for everyone. Ths isn't something that you can continue to hide for long. It will become obvious in the way that you treat him.

Walk away and find a relationship with a man who doesn't have chidlren.

[CloneMeNow]

I have a 4yo. And a 6yo. And an 8yo. It makes me shudder to think of them sharing a house with someone who hates them. I think you should woman up and break off this relationship. There is only heartbreak ahead, and it will be worst of all for the child. In x years time, when you have your own 4yo child with someone else, you will know for sure that you did the right thing.

[WhoGivesAFlying]

I can see where the op has said she is repulsed by him....that seems to have been twisted.

Anyway op, I do think unwound take a long look at your options. SP'ing is very hard and at your ar I would look for a man without children. Save all three of you some heartache. Good luck op

[cannotlogin]

The word 'repulsed' is used by the OP in her opening post. That hasn't been twisted at all.

[WhoGivesAFlying]

I know that cannot, I read it. But she didn't say she was repulsed by him

[ApocalypseSlough]

Honestly, I'd be heartbroken if my DD at your age was with someone so much older and with a child already.
Set yourself free.

[LogicalThinking]

she didn't say she was repulsed by him
She said exactly that
"I feel instinctively repulsed by this child"

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Just re read it, and she did say that. Wow. Again, I do think this is not the relationship for her. I don't think the OP will come back but if she does, well don't for being honest and please move on, this won't get easier for you and kids are little for such a little time...it's not fair on him to be around that, it really isn't his fault.

[Wdigin2this]

Wonder why the OP hasn't come back?

[Just5minswithDacre]

Do you really Wdig?

[WickedLazy]

Op I agree you should leave the dad. If anyone told me my 4 year old repulsed them, I would leave them in a heartbeat. Maybe you should make your excuses and end things. His ds does and should come first. I think you need to try to meet someone with no children.

[Lottapianos]

OP, I really feel for you. You can't help how you feel and those are some tough feelings to share. You have been very honest. I think I would feel the same if I was involved with somebody who had children.

I think you really need to consider whether this is the relationship for you. This little boy is going nowhere and his dad will always need to put him first. That's as it should be. You sound extremely stressed and frustrated and I would imagine that your feelings will only intensify as time goes on. The situation just seems like a bad fit for you. I know you say you love this man but you cannot cope with his family situation and his son will be picking up on the tension you feel, which is not good news for any of you. Its difficult but I think you need to consider moving on.

[CassandraAusten]

OP, I think you need to seek help. It's possible that your strong negative feelings for this child may be linked to some deep rooted emotions within you. I note your sentence "one of the most loving relationships I've had with another person" - does this indicate that your parents were not particularly loving / emotionally available? It might help to talk this through with an impartial third person.

[WickedLazy]

Op in case you're still reading, I'll be frank.
My stepdad didn't like me. He resented my presence in the house. Sis was younger and cuter so she was acceptable. I was at that pain in the arse moody stage (period had just started and I was fat and awkward). I still think he doesn't like me. But I'm "acceptable" now, and I think his family like me. It's shit and really fucking hurtful to grow up knowing a parents partner hates you, and wishes you'd never exsisted. I still don't feel welcome in their home (the house I grew up in). She kicked me out when I was 15, over him. One of us had to go, so I went to live with my dad. I'm 25 now, and it's hard. I still feel like I "want my mummy" sometimes but if I invite her, she brings him and the atmosphere is crap. I sometimes wonder why she couldn't have waited longer to move him in? To let us get up a bit in peace without being hated, grunted at, or made the scapegoat (often got the blame for stupid shit he'd done). I was 19 when ds was born, and was really hurt for a long time, having felt such a strong need to protect him from anything and everything, and wondering why my mum didn't feel that way about me. But ds and I have a good bond, and he's my number one priority (dp agrees with me). Something I learnt from my dad, not mum sadly. Stepdad is the love of her life, and her number one. But we do have a more normal relationship now (step dad dotes on my ds, really seems to love him like his own grandkids). If ds hadn't been born, don't think I would see them much.

Please don't do this to this kid. You won't be pleasant to a child you don't like for long (human nature).

[Wdigin2this]

Just being ironic!