Struggling to bond with 4yo step son

[lacjj90]

Hi, New to mumsnet but have found some articles in here previously that have made me feel "not-so-alone".
I feel as though I'm in a really desperate situation at home with regards to my 4yo step son. I am 26 and my partner of 2years is 41 and had a 4yo son from a previous relationship.
At the beginning, I had a fantastic relationship with my step son and couldn't get enough of him, now I struggle to even show him any affection.
He really is a lovely little boy, very well behaved, never plays up, but I am repulsed by the idea of being maternal towards him.
I don't have children of my own, but would love to have children with my partner, however, I am terrified that if I discuss my true feelings with him about his son, he will leave me.
From my point of view, I see my step son as a symbol of the fact that my partner once loved someone else enough to have a child with them, and the jealousy that this creates within me is eating me alive.
The 4yo is incredibly intelligent, and he talks about "mummy" all the time in my presence and how much he loves her, and even ignores me when I am talking to him, or will give me total silent treatment.
My partner recognises that his son is territorial, and takes control of the situation when the 4yo is winding me up (so to speak), but this doesn't seem to help.
I know a lot of people here would tell me to grow up and realise that this is what I "signed up for" when I started a relationship with a man who has a child, but I feel totally isolated.
I feel that everyone would hate me if I made my true feelings known, and that it would be the end to one of the most loving relationships I've had with another person.
In short, I feel instinctively repulsed by this child - he is not mine, he never will be, and I would never wish him to be. I feel like his presence in the relationship is a burden and it is slowly driving a wedge between my partner and I.
Childish it may be, but I wish he didn't exist!
I'm very sorry if anybody takes offence to that, but deep down, that is how I feel about this child and I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if I can't get these feelings off my chest.
Is anyone else in a similar situation? I feel very alone and don't know what to do.
Thanks x

[AyeAmarok]

It's how you feel, and that's that. Kicking you about it won't change that.

It takes a very reasonable, mature and secure person to be in a relationship with someone who has a family from a previous relationship.

This obviously isn't for you, that much is as clear as it's possible to be. You need to end the relationship for your own sake as this situation will never resolve itself.

[Fairuza]

OP, I don't think you're a bad person or necessarily doing anything wrong.

However, continuing with this relationship will damage an innocent, vulnerable little boy.

For that reason, I think this relationship needs to end.

[HighTrousers]

I've been on MN for a long time, and have seen many many posts where people obviously feel jealous and/or resentful of their step children, but cannot seem to openly admit it, so they create other issues which mask the real problem. The easy answer is to walk away, but obviously not every woman can or will. Unless you are hostile and abusive towards the child, you shouldn't by default leave the relationship. Not to mention, who's to say you will find more happiness with a childless man?

This is something you brought with you into this relationship, and unless you get to the root of what is causing you to feel this way, it is something that may affect you again in future relationships - if you do happen to leave this one.

[Believeitornot]

If I ever met someone else and they were repulsed by my son then I would not want to be with them

You need to talk to your partner. If you don't you'll not be able to hide your feelings and you'll be the horrible wicked step mother. There's a reason that there are fairy stories about them!

[pieceofpurplesky]

Your partner is 41 FFS I would
Imagine he had loved at least a couple of women if his ds is only 4

[pleasethankyouthankyouplease]

vocational - That's some life lesson and a half. dont mean to side track but that must be such a tough ride you're on.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

You don't have to like everyone you come across OP, children included.
For your own sanity, happiness and mental health though, you will be better leaving this relationship because he will always be there and that is something you cannot change. You can change your own life though and if he brings you so much unhappiness then the only way to get him out of your life is to leave your partner. I reckon it will feel like a weight off your shoulders. Trudging along letting your feelings eat you up, in the hope that it will get better will make you ill.

[Stardust160]

At least your honest but I don't know what you expect to achieve. The hold is here, he isn't going anywhere or would you rather your DP not have contact?

For the sake of poor little boy who hasn't done anything to warrant such venom you should call it a day. I could never be with my DH if he felt this way about DS.

[Stardust160]

Child'

[Emeralda]

You were very brave posting so honestly and I wonder how you're feeling about the strong reaction you got here. I think HighTrouaers raises a good point. Probably unknowningly, you brought this into the relationship with you and you'll keep bringing whatever's causing it with you until you have a closer look at it, preferably with someone neutral so you can say all the negative stuff without fear of being judged. Counselling would be a good option. For what it's worth, I couldn't have been a step-mother at your age. I wouldn't have been nearly mature enough. I was nearly 40, DP is very supportive and emotionally aware, and it's still hard! Good luck OP, it's a big decision in difficult circumstances. You're the only one with a choice here, though.

[MarianneSolong]

Would you rather go out with a bloke who had no previous sexual experiences. Unless you pick somebody significantly younger any partner will have had other significant relationships. They'll have old friends who are important to them. Memories which have nothing to do do with you. Their own relationships with families.

You can't own people exclusively. Step-parents - the ones who manage to stay the course - know that.

Step-parenting isn't for everybody, though. As you are finding out.

[Writingdragonfly]

I think a lot of people are being REALLY harsh, it has nothing to do with maturity sometimes we just dont click with people and sometimes that happens to be a child. I feel the same sometimes OP about my partner's two sons, sometimes i feel it would be better if he had girls because i have girls and know more how to interact with them. This might be something worth chatting to a counsellor about if youre serious about the relationship, you dont even need to tell your partner thats why youre seeing someone but i would be surprised if those feelings get better over time, i think theyre likely to get worse, im finding my similar feelings are worsening, its been a year and a half and i feel less and less connected and motherly towards his boys :( feel free to message me OP, dont worry about being judged for it, its noones ideal situation and you cant help falling for someone and having high hopes to love their kids too, sometimes thats just not reality! hugs, youre not alone! x

[FreshHorizons]

I don't think it is harsh. She met a man with a child. That child is not optional and he is there for life. If it is not for her then she should leave now.

[Roomba]

I am so glad that, whatever I personally feel about her, my childrens' stepmother does not feel like this about them.

You've been very honest here, OP so I'm not going to have a go at you. I do think though that you need to end it with your DP. You aren't suited to being in a relationship with someone who already has children. Which is fine, some people would never wish to get involved with a parent. You're not doing yourself, your DP or his son any favours staying in the relationship though - his son isn't going to disappear, so you need to sort this now before this child is emotionally damaged by it.

[lookluv]

OP you are being honest and I think most of the posters have been realistic not harsh. I admire your honesty, many of the psoters on this forum, hav these feelings but find everyother excuse under the sun to hide this and blame everyone else.

I disagree with Hightrousers that unless you are being hostile and abusive then you do not need to leave. The child will know and abuse does not need to be physical - it can be v subtle and hugely damaging.

eg, territorial - he is territorial because it his Dad and he is 4 yrs old. Making sure you sit next to your DP on the sofa and DSS can not - is subtle and very damaging.

He talks about Mummy because she is the centre of his universe right now and it makes him secure to talk about her eve if she is not there.

Get out for your own mental health, aswell as your stepsons'.

[Rebecca2014]

This hit close to home as I have a 4 year old and my ex recently split from his gf (who adored our dd) hes already dating someone else and I'm scared she be irrational jealous like you.

My 4 year old is an innocent child, barely out toddler hood. To think a 4 year old talking about his mummy to annoy you is ridiculous. That boy most likely picking up on your feelings (their not stupid) you admit your not affectionate with him anymore and repulsives you yet wonder why he gives you the silent treatment!!

Find a man with no children, at your age it shouldn't be a problem. I'm actually worried about that boy mental health being around you, he obviously picked up you severely dislike him and may feel more clingy to his father in return.

[WSM123]

Hi, just want to reassure you. Some of the people on this sight are just on here to SM bash so PLEASE ignore the bullies (if you stick around you will recognise the repeat offenders). I don't particularly like my partners kids and they sometimes do my head in.we would be better off in many ways if they didn't exist, but they do and they mean everything to my partner. I have learned just to leave them to it, he isn't your responsibility, look after yourself, and enjoy the time with your partner when DS is not with you

[Agadooo]

A "very well
Behaved 4 year old who never plays up and loves his mum" repulses you. You've been open about your feelings op and that's good but you must also be open with your partner- you can't stay in this relationship surely if you can't be maternal to him as he gets older and looks to you. How sad this has made me-poor wonderful little boy.

[Snoringlittlemonkey]

This is why my DH is going under the patio if we split

Looking at my little boy it would break my heart if someone that he was forced to spend time with felt this way about him.

It's not about SM bashing, I'm a step mum myself. But I think you've got to realise that you are the problem here and remove yourself from this situation. It's not going to get easier, if anything it will get harder as he becomes more attuned to his surroundings.

This relationship isn't right for you, your partner or his little boy. Walk away and find some one who can give you what you need.

[2nds]

Those are pure feelings of utter hatred and I don't think there's any chance that people who experience these feelings towards a child will ever change.

Sorry but your partner needs to put his child first.

[2nds]

Totally disagree with wsm123, in order for a step parent/ step child family to get work you've got to do more than just tolerate his children.

I didn't want to be a step parent so I specifically started seeing guys who didn't have children. I couldn't handle being a step parent, probably because I had little experience of kids at the time.

[2nds]

I meant to work, dunno how 'get' got in there!

[Wdigin2this]

If you can't accept this child into your life...you can't! That's it really, and I'm certainly not having a go at you, because it's not your fault you can't take to him!
BUT he will always be his father's son, that will never change...ever So if you can't change either, I agree with pp's, you're best off looking for someone else to love!

[Just5minswithDacre]

You have insight into your feelings and a desire to tackle the situation. That puts you streets ahead of many self -deluding SMs who post here, dressing up awful behaviour as concern etc.

You sound intelligent and reflective. You can turn this around.

Try to consciously switch your empathy to put yourself in the boy's shoes.

The fact is that he WASN'T the product of enduring love or a home with both parents. He's had a lot of change at a very young life; his parents are no longer in love or together, he has at least one step-parent to adjust to and he's reacting in a way that a small boy would. Think about how that looks and feels from his POV, read some child development books (child psychology).

Good luck