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Step-parenting

Dss and school trip

75 replies

wheresthel1ght · 29/05/2016 06:45

Dss has arrived this weekend with a school letter about a holiday trip skiing and told is his mum has told him he has to tell us we have to pay £800 so he can go. It isn't an educational trip, it is just a social holiday for themZ

Dss is a bit of a wimp, he is terrified of the idea of skiing but his best friend is going so he wants to go.

I am livid that dp's exw hasn't discussed this trip with us first. She has told him he can go and to tell us we need to pay for it. We now have to break dss's heart by saying no because there is no way we can afford it.

The initial issue is the financial settlement is supposed to be 50% of trips so she is expecting us to pay 100% or this trip is £1600!

£800 will bring our family budget to its knees. Dsd, Dss and dd would have to sacrifice birthday/Christmas presents. I wouldn't be able to see any of my family and as a whole family we couldn't have any days out, holidays new things and all treats would have to stop.

We don't spend a lot now, we pay for an annual family pass to a local attraction (not Alton towers or the like) And a day out is often local parks or free museums. But we do try and take them swimming because Dss can't swim so we are trying to raise his confidence.

What do we do? Do already works 12 hour nights so can't take on a second job, I would but we would have no one to look after dd without paying for it which would wipe out any earnings. I love that boy but there is no way we can send him. Does anyone have any ideas??

I have told dp he needs to speak to his exw about it all. She has form for doing this but previously it has been £200 (total cost) trips which is a bit easier to find when you have 6 months to pay. It seems this £800 needs to be paid before Xmas.

OP posts:

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Only1scoop · 29/05/2016 07:59

Then let him sort it out.

Either way.

Hassled · 29/05/2016 08:01

Is DSS entitled to free school meals? If he is, it's possible the school would use Pupil Premium to subsidise trips - might be worth asking. Otherwise I agree - it's fine to just say you can't do it.

youarenotkiddingme · 29/05/2016 08:02

Lots of children won't be able to go for financial reasons.

Could you afford half? Could you explain to DSS you can't take the cost on alone but will happily contribute half and you need to speak to his mum about it.

wannabestressfree · 29/05/2016 08:03

Can't you say the only way would be a like for like type thing so whatever mum can manage you will match? Thus batting it back in her direction? Some unfair your the bad guys....

wheresthel1ght · 29/05/2016 08:04

If the full cost was 800 then we might be able to do halves but I think the the 800 is half!

OP posts:

LIZS · 29/05/2016 08:10

You do need to check whether that is the full cost. The annual ski trip at dc school is about £800. It is by coach but decent enough accommodation with all the lessons and equipment, just before Christmas which probably keeps the cost down. I'd only expect it to be £1600 if they go to US/Canada.

wheresthel1ght · 29/05/2016 08:12

To be fair £400 will still be a huge stretch and we will have to cancel holidays etc.

But having dug the letter out it is 1600 - I am assuming because they aren't expecting many to go and still have to cover teachers costs and flights etc

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Twowrongsdontmakearight · 29/05/2016 08:14

Don't worry in the slightest. DD is 12 and even last year understood that we couldn't afford her school's ski trip (£1600 compared to DS's schools £800ish). She's going on a much cheaper one instead. Kids aren't daft, and your DSS will be quite aware of what his DM is doing. Just tell him that you are really sorry but you can't afford it.

Berthatydfil · 29/05/2016 08:14

Me and my dh work and neither of my 3 have never been these types of mega expensive trips like going to New York (English dept) Iceland (geography) Canada skiing (PE). That said they have done cheaper European trips like the French battlefields and Auswich (sorry spelling.
They understand that as a family we can't afford them.

LIZS · 29/05/2016 08:17

Does I say where to , at half term by any chance? The more expensive ski trip dc school are offering is for race training and inter schools competition , so really only for very experienced skiers.

wheresthel1ght · 29/05/2016 08:19

Liz - she has only sent the second but with the cost but yea it is during Feb half term which I assume is why it is so expensive.

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Notthisnotthat · 29/05/2016 08:20

Is there a chance you could talk to the school to see if they have money available to help with the cost? The secondary school in our area does a lot of fundraising and applying for grants for trips as about 50% of young people come from areas of deprivation.

We are already putting money aside for our daughters P7 trip to an activity centre, and she is only in P3 at the moment. A few months notice is much too late to expect people to get large amounts of money together, so unfair on pupils.

LIZS · 29/05/2016 08:21

If you don't have full details does the school put letters online? Feb will push the costs of travel and accommodation up.

akkakk · 29/05/2016 08:22

1600 is ridiculous for a child's ski-trip - 800 would also be expensive...
If you self cater, you can get ski trips for a few hundred per person in some resorts (including lift pass and ski hire) add on the drive down in a car of 5 people and you would be spending nearer half that per person...

For 1600 per person I would expect to fly in to Geneva, have a private transfer, stay in Courcheval with ski in and ski out and eat out every day at the very expensive restaurants there... Even then as an adult I would budget c. 1000 a person, 1600 is ridiculous!

Chasingsquirrels · 29/05/2016 08:23

I think my bright 13yo (with separated parents) would be extremely hesitant about asking either of us if he could go on a £1,600 skiing trip (and I could afford it without thinking and I'm pretty sure his dad could too). It's ALOT of money and 13 is more than old enough to be aware of that.
You really are over thinking this.

wheresthel1ght · 29/05/2016 08:31

The school funds are for educational trips only. I don't think this would come under that.

Letters are meant to be be posted online but I assume with half term third haven't done it yet.

The cost with flights etc is right for the timings looking at it. It is fully catered etc and includes some degree of lessons and equipment hire but doesn't include spending money etc.

It can't happen, there really isn't a lot to discuss I guess. I think I just wanted to check that I wasn't being an evil stepmum by refusing to make dd and dsd sacrifice their hobbies in order for Dss to go on a holiday that the rest of us won't get

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 29/05/2016 08:34

You need to make sure this no comes from his dad. You clearly can't afford it, don't let dh make you into an evil stepmum over it.

wheresthel1ght · 29/05/2016 08:35

He isn't but it is how his ex will see it!

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akkakk · 29/05/2016 08:38

The cost is not unusual, but the point is that you do not have to spend that to ski, even in the most expensive resorts in the world! I have skied for years in the 3 valleys and have never spent that amount of money, so it is not just about whether you could afford it or not, it is a silly amount of money for a child to ski, and assuming that he can't yet ski he will spend all his time on the nursery slopes... And not get full value from the trip anyway... Local school here at Feb half term charged just over 800 for the school ski trip - everything included...

swingofthings · 29/05/2016 08:39

She has told him he can go and to tell us we need to pay for it.
You don't know that's what was said. DSS might have phrased it like this because as you've said, he was anxious to ask.

There are times when DC have asked about something that involved their dad, and what I would have said is 'I don't think your father will be able to afford it/take the time off for it/take you there.... but it's up to you if you want to ask him (when they were in secondary school and I stopped having direct contact with ex because of issues).

I don't think they've ever played this in their favour and use the 'mum says you should pay it', but I can imagine how easy it would be for them to do if they were desperate for something!

As for feeling under pressure to pay, don't! I could have financially afforded to pay for these trips if I really saved, but I totally disagree with the principle of them. For one, they are totally overpriced for what they are, and for two, if my kids are going to enjoy this sort of experience, I expect it to be with their family rather than their friends as they are still kids.

I made it clear to DD and DS that they won't be going to either the school ski trip or NY and they were absolutely fine with it. Yes, it wasn't easy to follow what they were up to on twitter and FB, but when I announced a few months later that I was taking them to NY next year, she was over the moon. She said that what they did during their three days there is not what she would have chosen to do any way and is much more excited to go with me and DS. We are more into going to watch a basketball game than visiting an Art museum. Strangely, the cost of the trip will cost half the price individually for an extra 5 days! Is the extra costs all down to insurance, or school just really bad at finding good deals!

Anyway, could it be something maybe you could consider, saving for all of you to go on holiday and planning together so DSS feels included in the excitment?

Twooter · 29/05/2016 08:44

If it's that expensive chances are not many, if any, of his friends will go. It would be hideous for him if he ended up being the only one there in his group of friends doing a sport he doesn't enjoy.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 29/05/2016 08:44

He can't go, it's simple as. That doesn't make him hard done by.
If I'm honest I was shocked when I read that you had considered working more hours in order to pay for him to go on this trip. I wouldn't alter my work/life balance just for a stepchild to go on a school trip.

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navylily · 29/05/2016 08:46

The two ski trips my DC's schools have done have been £900 and£1100 so I think £1600 is high.

You really don't have to pay off you can't afford it. The large majority of kids won't be going. It'll be in the holidays so not really a school trip, just an optional holiday.

blimeyalldecentnamesaregone · 29/05/2016 08:55

Just to add that the first time DS went on a ski trip (which cost about £950) we spent an additional £350-400 on ski lessons and clothing beforehand.
So I doubt it would just be the cost of the trip.

ApostrophesMatter · 29/05/2016 09:04

Just say no. If the others DCs are going to miss out then it just isn't fair.

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