Dss and school trip

[wheresthel1ght]

Dss has arrived this weekend with a school letter about a holiday trip skiing and told is his mum has told him he has to tell us we have to pay £800 so he can go. It isn't an educational trip, it is just a social holiday for themZ

Dss is a bit of a wimp, he is terrified of the idea of skiing but his best friend is going so he wants to go.

I am livid that dp's exw hasn't discussed this trip with us first. She has told him he can go and to tell us we need to pay for it. We now have to break dss's heart by saying no because there is no way we can afford it.

The initial issue is the financial settlement is supposed to be 50% of trips so she is expecting us to pay 100% or this trip is £1600!

£800 will bring our family budget to its knees. Dsd, Dss and dd would have to sacrifice birthday/Christmas presents. I wouldn't be able to see any of my family and as a whole family we couldn't have any days out, holidays new things and all treats would have to stop.

We don't spend a lot now, we pay for an annual family pass to a local attraction (not Alton towers or the like) And a day out is often local parks or free museums. But we do try and take them swimming because Dss can't swim so we are trying to raise his confidence.

What do we do? Do already works 12 hour nights so can't take on a second job, I would but we would have no one to look after dd without paying for it which would wipe out any earnings. I love that boy but there is no way we can send him. Does anyone have any ideas??

I have told dp he needs to speak to his exw about it all. She has form for doing this but previously it has been £200 (total cost) trips which is a bit easier to find when you have 6 months to pay. It seems this £800 needs to be paid before Xmas.

[swingofthings]

The farce of it all is Dss will hate it! He will sit on the sides, refuse to join in and will sulk for the whole 8 days they are away
You don't know that and saying that you wil sit and wait for the fallout is spiteful. The issue is now resolved, mother is going to pay so it won't impact on your budget so it has nothing to do with you any longer yet you come across as resentful that he is going after all. Maybe instead, you can be pleased for DS who clearly will be over the moon.

Jayrose, a cruise for graduation! Honesty, what's next. I went on my first cruise three years ago at the grand age of 42 and I felt so special that I could enjoy such a luxury, which I saved for 12 months to afford. I shared this experience with my kids and it was just a grand event for us as a family. There is no way I would have forfeit this to pay for her to go with her friends. As you've said, if that's what on the cards, she can work and pay for it (along with the driving lessons and the car she desperately want as soon as possible!).

[Wdigin2this]

For a start, he won't be the only one who can't go, and are you even sure his mate actually is going?
If I were you I'd get involved with the PTA, and get other like minded parents on board, then you can have some say in what type of trips are offered.
For now, stop agonising over it, explain to the boy that no matter how you've looked at it, you can't aford it. Yes, he'll be disappointed, but you all as a family, have to live within budget. I'd then try to organise a low cost holiday for everyone...camping maybe, and pull out all the stops to make that as much fun as possible.
Lastly, your DP must have a serious word with his ex, about agreeing things like this, without discussing with you both first!

[wheresthel1ght]

Meridian- trust me she will never let that happen. He isn't allowed to make his own drink let alone arrange his life!

[wheresthel1ght]

My 2 year old also understands "not enough pennies"

And yes the trip is £1600 as we have seen that bit of the letter.

Apparently ex is letting him go regardless of whether we pay or not so dp has finally grown some bollocks seen sense and told her straight out that we simply cannot afford it and as it is a holiday not an educational trip then he won't be paying for it. Not sure what the fall out will be but at least he is back on plan!!

The farce of it all is Dss will hate it! He will sit on the sides, refuse to join in and will sulk for the whole 8 days they are away. Which is exactly what he did in the "adventure holiday" the last couple of years. From finding out who has paid their deposit already (including her it would transpire) I think it is more for her benefit than his. I very much think that she is trying to keep up with the Jones's. There are 1 or 2 people she went to school with who have kids in dss's year and I think she is very much trying to prove something.

I am going to sit and wait for the fallout! But am happy that dsd and dd won't suffer - well not in this home anyways!

[notquitegrownup2]

(That would also help to teach him a useful lesson about budgeting/planning. You can do exciting things, but you need to plan ahead and be realistic as well as saving hard. You could get him a savings book at a building society and let him see the savings grow as you and he pays into it. Old fashioned, but useful IME)

[notquitegrownup2]

£1600 is crazy for a school skiing trip. How about suggesting to your dh that you set aside money for dss to pay for his own skiing trip with his friends when he leaves school. He can then go for much less, at time out of school holidays, and you have 5 years to put aside money for it - £2 a week for 5 years is £500 - this would pay for a skiing holiday and he can add birthday/Christmas/part-time job money to it too..

[LittleLionMansMummy]

My 5yo is old enough to understand "no, sorry, we can't afford it." I can understand why you're so angry with your dp. We've gone on the basis that what we can 'afford' for ds, we can also afford for dsd. A £800 school trip would fall into the 'no' to both category. It really bothers me that schools run these ridiculously priced trips that presumably only a minority can actually afford.

[MeridianB]

wheres even better - can he start confirming his own contact arrangements? Not suggesting he has total control over this but maybe include him in plans etc so he knows what's happening if ex tries to cancel contact.

[crusoe16]

Is the trip actually £1600 and not £800 OP? Our kids' school is running a ski trip and it's £800. You sure Mum isn't trying to get you to pay the full whack?

We said "no" to DSD going. And DS although he wasn't as keen anyway. There was no pressure from DSD's Mum at all and she wouldn't have had to contributed to the cost, DH covers all school trips. Mostly it was because DSD seems to get so much; she's already doing two residential school trips in the next 12 months, not as £ as skiing but each costing hundreds of pounds nonetheless. She's also getting two holidays this summer as she's doing one with Mum and one with us and another in the Oct half term with us.....and we'll ski as a family at Easter. We don't want her thinking she can 'have it all'. I don't feel in the slightest bit guilty about it - plenty of kids aren't going. Not just because parents are worried about the cost, I think a lot are worried about the supervision too. You need to have your wits about you when you're on the slopes, especially when it's Feb half term because the resorts are usually absolutely rammed. It really doesn't sound like your DSS would cope well at all. I'd be very worried about him going from a safety point of view. Is your DSS a good skier? Has your DP discussed that with Mum? Maybe your DP could go in from that angle?!

[wheresthel1ght]

Jay that is exactly my worry! If we give in and find the money by whatever method then it will never end!

Meridian Dss is nearly 13 it's dsd who is 11. To be honest he looked a bit glum but when I said we just can't afford it sweetie. He seemed OK.

Dp needs to hunt for his balls. I think he left them in the court with his divorce papers!

[MeridianB]

I know at 11 your DSS won't be able to organise his own contact just yet but he will soon. That will cut off a line of control she thinks she has and reveal her to DSS as the game-playing twit that she is.

I'm sure a simple 'not this time' and explanation to DSS would have nipped this in the bud and he will forget it quickly enough. Your DH pandering to his ex is making it much worse. I vote for Fido getting the steak dinner.....

[Jayrose]

I completely agree with swingofthings

We've had a similar scenario with DSDs over the years despite paying for their private school fees and taking them on our own overseas holidays (paid for by both of us working full-time and taking on a few extra hours).

Some things we have said yes to and some things we have said no (their mum then pays the full amount as she had already said yes to them without discussing with us first). We also have a DD so we will keep everything fair. I have said to DH what we do for one we do for all.

DSD1 is graduating this year and wants to go on cruise for her graduation break-up. She doesn't even think about the cost just wants to do it. We told her that she needs to get a part-time job to help pay towards it but her mum has agreed to pay for it as a graduation present then asks us if we will contribute! It never ends.

[wheresthel1ght]

Mycat dsd will be 11 at the end of the year and dd is nearly 3. I think he is fully aware that he is a twunt - and if it wasn't clear I threatened to feed his steak to the dog!

He hates confrontation with his ex because she tends to stop contact as punishment for him having an opinion that differs from hers. However I have been very clear that Dss is an absolute wimp - he won't go on any rides at the local park that has a few little rides - dd went on one and he stood next to me refusing to go in cos it was scary so how the hell he thinks he will cope skiing is beyond me! I have firmly pointed out that if she want him to go she can pay because there is no way in hell we can afford it and if he goes then we cannot refuse to pay for dsd or dd and for her we would have to find the full £1600.

He is best to be left to stew on it now. But to be honest if he tells her yea he can go I will be reconsidering our relationship.

[Mycatsabastard]

How old is DSD and your DD? he does realise that whatever the oldest child gets, the others will expect to get as well?

Really this is just extremely unachievable. When DSS is asking for something for Christmas will you tell him that he can't have what he wants as all the money went on his trip or will you get into debt?

Your DH is being ridiculous in even considering this. I have two DD's and my DP has two DD's. There is no way we would fund a trip of this magnitude for any of them without knowing we could fund for the others. It's just not fair and I certainly don't think the entire family should do without for a year or two to cover the costs of a holiday for one person.

Talk to your DH again. Please tell him that this is emotional blackmail from the ex and his DSS is old enough to understand that the money just isn't available. £800 would cover a decent family holiday for all of you.

[wheresthel1ght]

Thanks meridian

Bloody dp has gone and told his ex that he is still thinking about how we can afford it and possibly using dss's savings. To be honest I am livid - where the hell does he think the money is going to come from?? I can't possibly cut back any further. We have had a bit of a row about it because I have said he is being a fool and dragging it out will only cause more problems. He has basically been told to grow a pair and tell his bloody ex no we are not paying for it. We shall see

[MeridianB]

wheres, the fact that you are concerned about letting DSS down and have posted on here, shows that you are a good SM, with his best interests at heart.

It's scummy that you have been put in this position and DH needs to talk to his ex so she stops this juivenile behaviour. Please try not to let her affect you and please don't worry about her reaction when you tell DSS he cannot go. So long as you explain it to him properly, then you have done a good job.

It also sounds as if your DSS is a sensible boy and would understand if you explained it to him exactly as you have explained it to us - that you both work full time and have a certain amount of money each month which has to cover lots of things. The part about the whole family making sacrifices is very powerful. I am sure this would 'click' with a 13-year-old.

Could you then explain the other things (that you have described here) that you could do with him/as a family instead that will be great and affordable?

This will give him something to look forward to and show that you think of him and show that this is not something you have just said 'no' to, but given great thought to.

I'd also be tempted to explain that his mum shouldn't be promising things like this if she is not paying. He's old enough to understand that, too.

[Nuggy2013]

School are taking the piss organising a trip at this amount of money, I say that as someone who has skiied a lot (pre DD and being pregnant with DC2, my skiing days look numbered!!). I would voice concerns re: extra costs. Ski resorts are very expensive by nature and I have tried the cheapest of the cheap, been to Canada and Finland and to be honest, if essentials aren't included such as lessons, equipment etc, you could look at adding another good few hundred pounds. I feel for you OP but please don't feel bad for not being able to afford it, he may get out there and absolutely hate it. I've been on so many ski trips where parents are sitting in the hotel/lodge etc because their children are scared/didn't take to skiing. My bright arse husband brought DD in January believing that she was in line to be an Olympics candidate because we both enjoy it. She cost us an arm and a leg in a creche/play scheme thing. Hated the snow, skiing, absolutely everything. Couldn't bear it, couldn't wait to get home.
Don't overthink anymore, the kids not going and that's the best for you all as a family

[OutToGetYou]

"If it's that expensive chances are not many, if any, of his friends will go." - yes, I bet his friend who is going hasn't yet got it fully sorted with his parents either!

We were going to pay for dss to go on his school ski trip (it wasn't as much as this one, ex wasn't going to pay anything but we were happy to pay - no other kids here so it's a one off, and we like skiing so were hopeful he'd learn and we'd be able to go with him at a later date, we have taken him a couple of times) but he was late applying and didn't get in cos it was full. One of our friend's kids did get in, paid the deposit. Then they cancelled it as loads pulled out - but they didn't bother to contact those of us who had applied previously to make up the numbers. And they're not bothering this year. Haven't refunded the deposits though....

[rookiemere]

That's a ridiculous price for a school ski trip.

We have one DS, we both work and are on decent salaries and I'd baulk at forking out that much for a ski trip even though we could just about afford it - would mean we'd need to cut out one of our holidays in the year.

DS goes to private school and I'm sure their trip is under £1000 - they cut costs by going by coach and finding reasonable deals. £1600 is an excessive amount even if they are going in Feb half term, and covering teachers costs.

Sorry it may not be relevant as the cost of the trip is what it is, but I'd be very surprised if many DCs were being signed up, regardless of their home circumstances or parental income, at that price.

[swingofthings]

I don't think it's a step-parenting issue but a parenting one all together. I really can't comprehend the guilt that so many parents seem to have when it comes to not paying -extortionate- prices for a very luxurious holiday for a young teenager.

I was really surprised how many kids in DD's year went to the NY trip despite the exorbitant cost. I spoke to some parents and all made it up that they couldn't really afford it but couldn't deprive their child of this experience. Two said that they were giving up their annual holiday abroad for it.

I personally think this is giving a very wrong message to the child. It's not their fault, it's the school that arrange it, but I see it like the media, it's not because they are trying to sell you something that you have to believe that your child will be hard done by if they don't fall for it.

If you can't afford it, or it isn't something you want to put your money in, then just say no without guilt. Such trips are not part of the cirriculum and are not a due to the child. The child will only be disappointed if somehow they had an expectation that they would.

[wheresthel1ght]

Youare no she can't afford it and I suspect that is exactly why she has said yes but you need to ask your dad because she knows full well we can't afford it. She would walk across hot coals to look like mother of the year and for their dad to look like the biggest twunt going!

When I was pregnant with dd she stood there in front of me and said to them "make the most of it because daddy won't have time for you when wheres has the baby". I absolutely could have slapped her on the spot. Had it not have caused WW3 I would have put her tight in her place there and then.

She literally goes out of her way to set dp up to be the bad guy.

If he had left her then I could maybe understand the venom but she had the affair. She kicked him out and moved the OM in so I can't see why she is hell bent on getting the kids to hate their dad. He has his Disney moments but by and large he is a brilliant dad. He spends time with them rather than flashing the cash, makes sure they are fed clothed houses etc. Pays massively over the csa amount in maintenance, never shirks on his contact - although she regularly refuses it - he is hands on and not some deadbeat so I really struggle to understand it

[eyebrowsonfleek]

He's 13- he'll understand that £800 is equivalent to 3 PlayStations, food for a few months, 100 hours in a minimum wage job or whatever.
Most children won't be going on the trip. When our secondary does them it's offered to 240 kids but they take less than 10%.

[youarenotkiddingme]

There's a big difference between you can go but dad needs to pay half to ask your dad to pay for it.

Can the mum easily afford to pay the half? Could it be she's hoping dad says no and just putting the bad guy part on to him?

[wheresthel1ght]

Blimey - that is what worries me! Both the school and his mum will expect that. The letter isn't clear about whether that is included. But even costing it up with flights, medium accommodation at half board and ski passes etc I can easily see why for that week it is as pricey as it is as the teachers costs would also be included in the kids price and assuming only 15 go.

I love my Dsc and would sacrifice a lot to help them be who they want to be. If it was an educational trip then I wouldn't hesitate to find the money but I do think for a jolly it is an obscene request.

I just don't want him to think we are saying no to spite his mum (which is how she will play it) and she will spend then next 6 months slagging us me off to him for not letting him go. I want him to know we have looked at every option.

I have talked to dp again today and shown him the figures I have worked out and shown what everyone including him would have to give up. Dss is a sensible kid. Deep down I know he will understand and actually won't be missing out on anything. Just wish we were in a situation to just say "yup no probs kiddo" and wrote him the cheque!

[wheresthel1ght]

Swing - he said it front of his mum and trust me she has form!