let's have a thread for fortnightly contact

[Marilynsbigsister]

Thought it might be fun to start a thread for fortnightly contact visits... Step parenting is our safe place - right ? If that is true, can I just be really really honest with you and say, I am sitting here with 2 of my dd's . Ds and two dsc who live with us are all out doing what teenagers do on a Friday... And I am clock watching and feeling the familiar dread as the clock reaches 7:15 pm and my dh comes back through the door with the other dsc (early teens) ..who are treated (and behave) like 3 yr olds. Every fortnight has the familiar feeling of dread as I know the next 48 hrs will be filled with tantrums, fighting, pinching, attention seeking and ridiculously infantile behaviour... Ten years on...no change, absolutely no change..except now I plan to be out most of the weekends to avoid them. No longer feel the need to 'make it one happy family' ... Even their own siblings find it unbearable. The other 12 days a fortnight I have a fabulous family life, lovely dh, fantastic, engaging, intelligent, self sufficient dcs/dsc . When will the others grow up ? Currently 13, 14 &16 !!!

[gingina]

Well that's good. If the ex is in on side that's half the battle won lol
It's not so much the mess (although that pissed me off) but more the way they club up into a team of three and make me the big baddie. It's like having an extra child every other weekend

[HereWeGoAgain1MoreTime]

My dh has a very low functioning autistic daughter who is non verbal. She is 19 years old will never be independent and she stays with every single weekend. I have found Valium to be quite useful as well as very long drives with my dog. I have mentioned/suggested eow visits but have been told quite clearly the current arrangement will never end. I find the whole situation very difficult, extremely stressful & am griped by anxiety from the moment she arrives until she goes home. Just one weekend off to spend some quality time with my husband would be absolutely amazing - I have definitely bitten off more than I can chew!!!

[Petal02]

herewegoagain so you and your husband will never have a proper weekend together on your own? I’m assuming the mother is still alive, and there’s no reason why she couldn’t have her daughter EOW? An ‘every weekend’ arrangement is tough enough under normal circumstances, but when the child (or adult in this case) has health issues, I’m not sure I could cope?

Does your husband say WHY he wouldn’t consider EOW?

I’m sure someone will be along soon to say you knew what you were getting into …….

[Lunar1]

Who has his dd Monday to Friday?

[HereWeGoAgain1MoreTime]

A change won't be considered as 'he is her dad'. She's at school Monday - Friday, we do have her on a weekday evening too. My first grandchild is due at Christmas, I have no idea how that's going to pan out with visits as his daughter seems to be far more important than mine (and no tbh I had absolutely no idea what I was letting myself in for.......)

[Petal02]

He may well be her Dad, but you're also his wife - you are entitled to some respite and some enjoyment at weekends. Is there a reason why her mother can't/won't have her some weekends?

[HereWeGoAgain1MoreTime]

That'll be because she holds all the cards & control. She uses emotional blackmail 'she just won't cope if she doesn't get to see you' blah blah etc The fact is sd doesn't cope well with anything. Has no concept of time, can't dress herself, wash, brush teeth etc but can use an iPad like a pro. It's so bloody soul destroying. My dh expects nothing from me with regards to her care - he is a wonderful man who was single for the best part of 13 years devoting weekends to his dd & was probably always available to his exw, so I can understand why he feels the way he does. I suppose I thought that when she turned 18 something might change, I suppose I thought the exw would lose some of the control & we would have more of a say. She shares no information regarding health, carers (if there are any), finances - (I guess that as an 'adult' sd probably receives benefits in her own right?), medication, education, behaviour/learning strategies, nothing! My own daughter is no longer comfortable visiting me in what used to be her family home - I guess we reap what we sow! Anyway my point is eow weekend visits would make my life so much happier and bearable but as I've learnt it's not just about me! I am actually considering the option of buying a second (very small) home just to have somewhere to go to relax on a weekend! Rant over!!

[Petal02]

I think the idea of small, weekend bolt-hole is an excellent one. It would give you the space you need, and possibly give your DH a bit of a shake-up, as lord knows he needs one. I'm sure his ex loves having all her weekends free, and when it's being going on as long as it has, its very hard to break the pattern.

[SteppingOnToes]

Me and his ex talking really worked out well the weekend past - she'd had a car accident (noone injured but the car) and had to get to a party with the kids (she had done all the food and needed to transport it). He was out on a night out on the Friday night and me and her organised between us that he would pick them up on the saturday and drop them at the party to save them getting a taxi. It also meant he got to see the kids for a short while when he normally wouldn't get to.

So everything has been harmonious so far - well it was until she refused to swap weekends so he could go to his best friend's 40th birthday party. It seems silly as she was cutting her nose off to spite her face as Christmas falls on his weekend this year so swapping would mean she would get Christmas day, but now doesn't...

[SteppingOnToes]

It's been the mid week visit today and I turned a corner with his DD10 - she sat on the sofa with me for a cuddle today and said she's glad me and her mum are friends as she doesn't feel she has to protect her now and can now be nice to me. They are absolutely lovely kids - she's never been anything other than nice so far but I think now she's able to be comfortable about it.

[crusoe16]

I probably shouldn't be posting here because we're 50:50 but I wanted to say the whole change in dynamic / anxiety around DSD arriving, relief at her going back to her Mums is just the same for 50:50 as it sounds like it is for EoW. The extra child and additional chaos.....dread is too strong a word but I don't exactly look forward to it. Nothing wrong with DSD, she's no worse behaved than our own DC but she and DS thrive off winding each other up which is just annoying, she's very into dance-routines-whilst-belting-out-pop-songs atm which isn't particularly endearing at the end of the day and of course has a later bedtime than the younger ones which delays me being able to crawl into bed with a book (DH often away).

It is what I signed up for when I married DH a decade ago and I fully accept it but a small weekend bolthole......dream!

Can we arrange some kind of SM's timeshare?!

[Petal02]

crusoe why do you have your DSD when your DH is away?

[crusoe16]

DH's job is quite specialised so he works away a lot. I'm not really in position where I can refuse to have her if DH isn't here. DSD would be extremely upset by that - she's been doing 50:50 for years and very much sees herself as having two equal homes. I wouldn't be popular with DH or her Mum either.

[Petal02]

I'd be tempted to refuse occasionally ....... !!

[SteppingOnToes]

Contact tonight - Hi ex agreed to split the weekend so DOH can got to his friend's 40th but it still leaves this Friday uncovered (he plays in a brass band and has a christmas concert booked). We're all going and then I'm going to take the kids home when it gets near bedtime. Wish me luck as I've not yet been alone with the kids, and certainly never done bedtimes...

[SteppingOnToes]

Night went smoothly. Kids asked to leave early as they were tired so my partner got a lift home with friends and I took the them home and got them set for bed. DSS5 had a bit of a sulky moment as I had to take him aside and tell him not to climb in furniture or rest his feet on the table, but he accepted what I said without too much issue and they both behaved better than I have yet seen :)

[SteppingOnToes]

Took the kids to the school Christmas fete to hand back to their mum. Me, his ex and her brother chatted by the bouncy castle whilst he went round the stalls with the kids. I think he's totally bewildered bless him...

[SteppingOnToes]

Am I the only one updating?

Had the kids two consecutive weekends as their mum decided she wanted to split weekends rather than swap them. So instead of fri to sun and 3 days it was fri to sat twice - 4 days... and then we are back on normal again this weekend again too. Plus as well as the usual weds (tomorrow) we have also had them this evening too.

We've got a situation now where the don't want to go home - I don't think the sweetness and light ex is going to stay that way when she realises the kids prefer being here eek

[SteppingOnToes]

It wasn't two consecutive it was 3, including the weekend before the split, then we had them the weekend past too - 4 weekends on the run and finally we have this weekend off. I was supposed to be moving house on the 12th but that didn't happen :(

The kids are under the impression that they will be with their mum on Christmas day as she hasn't told them that it is their dad's weekend for having them (and he's not yet had a christmas or birthday in 4 years!).

[SteppingOnToes]

Oh not sure if I mentioned - his ex doesn't get birthday or christmas cards from the kids for him, even though he does handmade ones with them for her. Weekend past we spent time making a card for him and wrapping up little presents for him too (socks, moisturiser etc - nothing flash). I also sorted little presents for them to give their mum on Christmas day too. Hopefully the children will start to learn that it feels good to give, as well as receive :)