I'm a stepmum to a 21 year old girl and an 18 year old boy. Their dad and I have been married for seven years.
Both are at university. I love them both, but it hasn't always been easy. DH spoiled them after his divorce so they acquired some grabby/wheedling tendencies, which DSS has pretty much grown out of.
DSD is repeating her third year at university. It's a long course. She texted DH today saying the following:
- She had £5 to last until 31 December.
- She can't get a job because she has to study too hard.
- She couldn't afford to buy Christmas presents.
- Could she have some money please?
He called me at work, upset and keen to discuss it tonight. In the interest of full disclosure:
- DSD chose to study in Scotland, where courses are longer.
- DSD goes on the university ski trip every year. Average cost: £1500.
- She gets a full loan plus a bursary of £2k per year and £150 per month from us.
- She went to Paris last month, and to Oslo for the weekend in October.
- She travels 200 miles by train regularly to see her boyfriend.
- DSD inherited £10k from her grandmother last year, and spent it travelling the world this summer.
I'm not unsympathetic to her financial problems, and my suggestion to DH is that we give her a one off gift of cash to tide her over, with the downside that she has to answer some difficult questions and face up to reality. I feel that we'd be doing her a favour. Tough love.
I particularly want her to tell us what was going through her mind when she booked the skiing holiday, which she must have known she couldn't pay for, and why she found it advisable to visit Oslo, notorious for being one of the most expensive cities in the world. I'd also like her to tell us how she plans to manage her money from now on.
At the risk of sounding like an old gimmer, I didn't go on skiing holidays when I was a student. I couldn't afford it, and I knew it, so it never even entered my mind.
DH, on the other hand, wants to up the amount we give her each month. I disagree; I think that would be enabling bad behaviour, and she won't learn from it.
He thinks that my suggestion of giving her a one off helping hand with strings attached (the strings are, having the hard word from us to the effect that she can't afford to go skiing until she's earning a proper salary, that she'll have to rein back the expensive travel until she can afford it and that we want her to think hard about how silly she was to blow her entire inheritance instead of saving some of it) is cruel and 'having a go'.
Who is right? Am I a cruel stepmother? I thought that the answer was obvious: "cut your coat according to your cloth, and realise that we're not always going to bankroll you".