step mum who jointly owns house - say no to step son moving in?

[Lasvegas]

Could do with some opinions please. DH thinks that our home is also the home of his 2 non resident kids. Has said to his son aged 18 that if he wants to move in feel feel free. The son said what about Lasvegas I don't think she would like it, so now DH thinks I am unwelcoming.

DH works away about 70% of the time, so he is effect inviting his son to move in but not having to share a home with them often.

We jointly own the house and jointly pay the mortgage. His kids live far away and visit 5 times a year for a week- 2 weeks at a time.

We don't have a guest room, when they visit DD gives up her room and sleeps in with me.

We have been together for years and we have never had a conversation about his kids moving in. Except the hypothetical they would move in if f their mum and step dad died.

[pictish]

Quite right OP. Don't you step up as the baddy to make it easy for him to slither out of it.
If he wants his son to move in, he will be sharing. If he doesn't want to do that, that's his choice. Not yours.

[sanfairyanne]

if he works away 70% of the time it might make most sense for you and dh to share

[19lottie82]

I think that yes, a parent should always be able to offer their child a home, unless there are specific circumstances, but for him to be the one to offer this, then expect you and your DD to give up your rooms is just outrageous! Of course if he wants his DS to move in, he will obviously have to share with him.

[19lottie82]

PS I don't think DSS would be to keen to move in, if he knew he would have to share a room with his Father.

And for those who have suggested they guarantee a flat for the DSS, no, no and NO again. This could leave the OP and her DH liable for rent for a very long time indeed! Years, in fact!

If the DSS wants to move to London, why not offer to put him up for a month, tops, while he finds a job, and then give him the deposit money and 1 months rent for a room in a shared house. (IF they can afford it, that is)

[19lottie82]

if he works away 70% of the time it might make most sense for you and dh to share the OP has already stated the reason why they DON'T share.

If her DH works away most of the time, then surely it makes more sense for him and her DSS to share?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Has your DH had any investigations into his snoring at all? I ask because my Dad had sleep apnoea which causes horrific snoring & interrupted my mum's sleep for years - before he was diagnosed and given a gadget to help.

I can't help but think that, were this my house & DSS wanted to move in permanently, it would be me & DH in the largest room (snoring or no snoring), DD in the room she is currently in & DSS in the other room.

I don't think an 18 year old sharing with his Dad is fair on him TBH.

If DSS2 then also decided he wanted to move in, he would need to share with his brother.

[19lottie82]

If DSS2 then also decided he wanted to move in, he would need to share with his brother.

Share where with his brother? There isn't a spare room. DSS1 would need to share with his father , as it is.

[Lasvegas]

santa we looked into an op where they could help with snoring, but DH was not that bothered. His snoring does not wake him.

I think even if snoring stopped the fact I am up at 6 am and he is up at 7am and then I am in bed at 10.30 and him at midnight, we would drive each other mad with disturbing each other with alarms. he drinks too much which makes snoring worse.

[Castlemilk]

This is insane.

Can I ask, is there anything else that could possibly be done here to make the life of the ALMIGHTY KING OF THE HOME any easier? Because I am concerned here that all the serfs - which here translates as the underfoot, non-penis-owning SCUM - may actually be enjoying some of the comfort which by all rights should be his. You say there are three bedrooms, for example? Could you and your DD not permanently share the smallest, so that THE ALMIGHTY KING could e.g. have somewhere nice to put his luggage when he graces you with his presence?

(I hope the above has outlined my likely approach to the problem)

Ok. So:

You have three bedrooms.

The biggest bedroom and the huge expanse of bed is permanently reserved for the person who is present the least and who is never expected to share his room. Obviously, this is the ALMIGHTY PENIS KING!KING!KING!

The ?second biggest is used by the child who lives there permanently.

The smallest goes to the ScumSlave (i.e., the woman of the home :) )

When there are visitors - the King lies undisturbed. The women bunk together. In the second largest room? Oh no. The visitors have that. The women of the home spend uncomfortable nights.

The visitors are actually the primary 'responsibility' of the King, but that means nothing. There is compromise to be made; ergo, that is the woman's territory.

The child of the home could share the biggest bed with their other parent (logical) - but that would disturb the King. That can't happen.

And now - a discussion of how more people could be squeezed into the house.

How can you even begin to justify the setup you HAVE, let alone even try and begin a discussion about his sons moving in?

Here's the conversation I suggest you have. If you can't have this conversation, ask yourself why.

'DH, I've been thinking about this issue of YOUR sons having a place here, albeit technically, right now. I think it's right that they do. How we would do that has got me thinking along how badly, inefficiently and UNFAIRLY the rooms are working at the moment. So we need to change and allocate rooms firstly by need and frequency of use, and secondly by personal preferences.

'Firstly, we need to swap rooms. I'm here all the time, you're here much less frequently. I use my room more than you. Secondly, I'm the one having DD bunk in with me when your sons are here. She's getting bigger, and also if there's a possibility that they're going to be here more, the biggest room needs to be given over to that most intensive use: me every night, DD with me possibly quite a lot and possibly even permanently. I need that room and that bed.

'You have expressed a preference to not have to share, ever. If we can accommodate that, you can see that you'll be the ONLY person in the home with that luxury. The other four people will have to share two rooms. There is no argument that can say it's fair that you get the use of ANYTHING but the smallest room.

'With this swap, it makes it at least doable for your boys to, in theory, come and stay. DD keeps her middle-sized room for now, and if they need to come and stay, they have that room and DD can move in with me. Not ideal, but doable.

'If only one of the boys comes to stay, we should probably have a conversation about aranging things differently - DD in with me with one other child, who is older and doesn't use the room space in the same way, having a room to himself might end up being quite unfair on her. In that scenario, you and your son sharing the biggest room, me in the small and DD in her room might be best.

'We will start moving things around this weekend.'

[waithorse]

Castle I love your summary.

[catsmother]

Yay - go Castlemilk - your plan is abso-bloody-lutely the only fair solution !

[partyskirt]

Fantastic post Castlemilk!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Lasvegas - please, please, please present your dh with *castlemilk's analysis and proposal - it - and she - are brilliant!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Oops - bolding fail.

[pictish]

Castlemilk I love it. I have laughed out loud at your post. Jolly succinct.

[Petal02]

Castle milk -bravo!

[Kimaroo]

Yes! Everything that castlemilk said!

[caramelwaffle]

Yes. Everything that castlemilk said.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

That post Castlemilk, is one of the best things I have ever read on MN .

[YonicScrewdriver]

Joining in the castle milk awe!

But I would say that, regardless of house size, your DH should have discussed with you the practicalities of such an offer to his DSS before he made it. Like: would DSS contribute to expenses, how would "parenting" work, which of the rooms in your imaginary mansion would he have etc.

[riverboat1]

Almighty Penis King!!!

[StercusAccidit]

@ Almighty Penis King

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Outstanding Castlemilk

How was your weekend OP?

[Lasvegas]

thanks for laughter castlemilk. I have welcomed the moving in of the step kids as I don't want to look like the bad person. Oddly enough he is now back peddling 'it was only a suggestion to them that they move in'. This is before I even mentioned about him sharing a room. Him sharing a room is the obvious thing. Sometimes iy is hard to see obvious solutions without aid of mumsnet.

[sanfairyanne]

your dh is so transparent! he was hoping to paint you as the bad guy.

haha! play him at his game