step mum who jointly owns house - say no to step son moving in?

[Lasvegas]

Could do with some opinions please. DH thinks that our home is also the home of his 2 non resident kids. Has said to his son aged 18 that if he wants to move in feel feel free. The son said what about Lasvegas I don't think she would like it, so now DH thinks I am unwelcoming.

DH works away about 70% of the time, so he is effect inviting his son to move in but not having to share a home with them often.

We jointly own the house and jointly pay the mortgage. His kids live far away and visit 5 times a year for a week- 2 weeks at a time.

We don't have a guest room, when they visit DD gives up her room and sleeps in with me.

We have been together for years and we have never had a conversation about his kids moving in. Except the hypothetical they would move in if f their mum and step dad died.

[Lasvegas]

pictish thanks you have made me laugh.

[pictish]

Good. Do so.

[pictish]

YW x

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I think the answer is easy - 'Yes, dh, I would be happy for your sons to move in with us - they will have to share your room!' I bet he'd be a lot less cavalier about offering them your home if it was him that was being inconvenienced.

[OwlCapone]

Well there you go then. He's being a prick.

I wanted to say this upon hearing he has a king sized bed to himself and was horrified at the thought of sharing with his son. Twat.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

You need to calmly sit down and make all the points above to him. Explain that you understand that your home should be his childrens home too - albeit a 2nd one as such. But that such grand gestures should not be offered without considering or discussing all the valid points with you first, as that is not fair to either you or his children.

And yes, he should share his larger room and put 2 singles in. Since he's not there the majority of the time he really can't argue that point I'm afraid.

[Lasvegas]

micah - interesting points. We have a large mortgage and 20 years left to pay it of so DH will be aged 70 when paid off, no way could we borrow anything else. We live in london near us even a studio is £200K.

I think it is driven by my DH. But I suppose ex wife will cease to get her £500 a month maintenance for the 18 year old if he moves out. Maybe DH should say to 18 year old i will give you £500 a month to help towards rent if you want to move near me and then guarantee it.

How many years are people expected to support adult kids? i didn't get anything after age 18, i had part time jobs while at uni.

[pictish]

Maybe DH should say to 18 year old i will give you £500 a month to help towards rent if you want to move near me and then guarantee it.

Sounds ideal.

[Lasvegas]

To be fair DH is not at home alot as travels abroad for work, not that he is out having fun at a country club.

Thank you all.

[pictish]

Although I'm guessing where you live £500 won't go far at all.
It would get you most of a fairly decent one bedroom flat in my town. Edinburgh 10 miles along the road, you'd pay that for a room in a flat share.

At 18, a flat share is fine.

[Lasvegas]

pictish - thanks why didn't i think of a flat share. I shared houses until I was 26 years old. A one bed flat near us to rent is £1,000 a month.

The step son in question lives in a very cheap part of the UK and there £500 rent would get you something good.

I think DH feels guilty his kids were 4 and 6 when he spit with X wife, she left him for someone else, but I suppose he still feels guilty marriage failed.

[Lasvegas]

alpac - cutting an pasting your words for an email to DH.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

500 a month? Wow! I'm not surprised he's keen to have his son move in.

I think the only answer in these circumstances is "Absolutely dear, that would be lovely. I'll advertise your bed on Gumtree and buy two singles for your room. When do you need it all sorted by?"

[micah]

Well theoretically if his mum gives him £500, and his dad gives him £500, he's sorted, isn't he?

Although I do believe unless he's at Uni then he should really be funding himself.

[vitabrits]

I actually think your dh was way out of line to suggest it without discussing it with you first. Having an 18 year old move in full time will really change the dynamics of the household, not to mention the finances. And you will be the main parent dealing with any issues.

I have a non resident 18 year old stepson, and can't imagine such a move happening without lots of discussion.

[Lasvegas]

treadsoftly as i understand it no legal compulsion to pay child maintenance once a child reaches 18. This individual is not in full time education

[partyskirt]

I agree with Micah.

Also just say no -- my parents didn't let me stay living at home at 18, and nor should they have.

[partyskirt]

I agree with both Micah's comments!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Perhaps that's part of it? Does your DH plan to end the maintenance payments, in which case he may well think [erroneously] that having his son to stay instead will "support him" with little cost to the family coffers.

I think most parents find it difficult to switch off the tap of funding, even if it is just rent and board as soon as their offspring turn 18. If he's not in education or training though, he needs to be employed before moving in or things will go south very quickly.

I still think your DH will run a mile when faced with the prospect of sharing his room with a teenager especially since he is not home very much. It will be a thoroughly teen room when he gets back every time and he will feel like an interloper.

[Lasvegas]

Tread I don't think it is the end of maintenance that is motivation DH he has always given to ex wife significantly more than he needs to legally.

I think part of it is that DH doesn't have to deal with parenting
if he can convince himself that I am preventing his son moving in.

I will use the tactic lets get the kid in to the house into your room. If he then says no way it will be him stopping the plan not me.

[micah]

I find with dh, he desperately wanted to be a full time parent, loves having kids, was practically suicidal when told he couldn't sue for resident parent, and hates being a non-resident parent. He also feels incredibly guilty for "moving on", and not being there full time, even though it was his ex's affair and her choice.

So in his head he'd have his kids back and living with him in a heartbeat if he could. In reality though even if we weren't together he'd be living with his mum and dad still, or in a 1 bed flat, and it would be even less possible than it is with me.

I sympathise though. I was reading another thread about expecting a nr father to support his child through uni. The way it goes with us is our household income is significantly less, so if sd moves in with us she'd be eligible for more grants etc. I wonder how many people would expect the mother to contribute though, and whether we'd have any support chasing her for maintenance- we'd need to do a lift conversion for starters...

[micah]

Loft, not lift!