would you be mad at this?

[mummatotwo]

DH and I agreed an amount of what we could afford in a change to his maintenance due to change of job and much lower income. He is dire with money BTW and for years I've bailed him out several times,but never learns I've even taken his bank card off him so he doesn't go over his overdraft

Not a great relationship with dss always texting and asking for money and he obliges. He never discusses it with me and everything is sneeky and behind my back. Our wages and money are our household income and we should discuss and agree these things I think.

We are going on on Hols soon we agree for me to pay hol and for him to provide the spending money, he's very OD at the bank again so now I've got to use my wages for spending money, which is going to leave us very tight for the next couple of months also I worked loads last month extra as we have lots if bills coming up to pay

I've just found out again by accident he's given hundred pounds out to the dss, I'm gobsmacked

[Petal02]

I agree by the way that plenty of women do not have that decision, I didn?t always but she did have the luxury of that decision

And that?s my point entirely. She had the luxury of that decision because you were prepared to put your needs second. Please don?t think I?m criticising you Aris, I just feel quite strongly that, consciously or otherwise, you?ve allowed the ex to call the tune (not that she?s necessarily being unkind, but rather in a way that she decides what she wants to do, and everyone then fits in around her).

If you hadn?t been prepared to support her choices, then maybe you could have had the luxury of a few choices yourself?

[Petal02]

And if she had made that decision, which she wouldn?t, but if she had we would have just bought a smaller house. I have would stayed in my previous career rather than taking a pay cut and going into teaching. We may have had children later.

So if she had made that decision, you would have bought a smaller house, would have had children later, and stayed in your previous career. Is it just me, or does it sound like the ex calls the tune, and you/your DH dance to that tune? Would there ever have been a point where you decided that actually you didn?t want a smaller house, in which case it was time to step back financially whether that suited the ex or not?

You deserve better Aris !!!!

[brdgrl]

OK, now I am shocked.

I would never, ever, ever tolerate a situation where it was expected or seen as "normal" (by my spouse or extended family) that my daughter would live in a smaller home, or where I would amend my career choices, or would defer motherhood (and possibly even risk losing the opportunity) so that my partner's ex could have first shot at HER career, home life, or motherhood. Not only would this be completely wrong to me^, but absolutely unfair to my children, who would be deprived of all the advantages I might otherwise be able to give them!

[Petal02]

Brdgrl - thank god it's not just me who thinks Aris has been treated badly.

[Arisbottle]

But I have been a SAHM for many years at other points in my life, for many more years than DSS's mother - not that it is a competition. We do not all fit around her at all, but it is hard to communicate that to strangers.

Many women find it hard to be a SAHM when there is already a child. I could have been a SAHM for a longer period of I had chosen to wait a few years. I did not want to wait, that was my choice.

I would not have been particularly bothered by having a slightly smaller house, we live in a huge house with lots of land - that is not a boast but just to make clear that a smaller house would not have been much of a hardship. The line that I would have drawn was staying in my previous career, as I did not like the travel.

I really do not see how I deserve better. I have just about everything I could want.

[Arisbottle]

FFs people are wanting to see injustice where there isn't any.

We live in a huge house with its own swimming pool , stables , mini farm and endless rooms. It is hardly a hardship to give up some of that space to enable our stepson to have time with his mother. Can you imagine the AIBU thread in which a father is criticised for not supporting a mother's wish to stay at home because he wants to buy another horse?

Lots of women amped their career choices to fit in with their family, lots of men do it too. That hardly makes me some kind of abused wife because I went into teaching because I wanted to put my feet up for 13 weeks a year or that I had to stay in a higher paid job ( which was in reality swanning about in designer suits choosing other designer outfits ) to pay the bills.

[Petal02]

Aris, you deserve sooooooooo much better !!! You're basically saying you don't begrudge the sacrifices you've had to make - but you shouldn't have had to make them in the first place !!!!!

[brdgrl]

This isn't in the slightest about the merits of SAHM or WOHM or whether one is happy in a big house or a small house. It would be just as wrong if the choices were the other way around.

At least you admit that there is a line to be drawn. Yours is much farther along than mine would be, that's for sure.

[Petal02]

Aris - we're (belatedly) fighting your corner, we're not critiscising you.

[brdgrl]

So you have lived an incredibly privileged life, and you think that what has worked in your admittedly extraordinary circumstances is the model for the OP, whose DH is overdrawn and who is struggling to pay the bills? That she should "make sacrifices" while her DH gives away her money to his son without her knowledge?

My career choices are my own, at least. Keep the stables, I'd rather have the freedom.

[Arisbottle]

The only sacrifice I made that has been a real sacrifice was going back to work earlier than I would have liked with on child. I still had a longer maternity leave than many parents.

Many mothers have to go back to work earlier than they would have liked, that does not mean that they need rescuing. By and large I have had the time I would have liked with the other children.

If I am honest I would rather not work as I would love to spend my life pottering about with the animals, but it is no great hardship that just like most of the rest Western world I have to go out to work. In fact if I did not want the huge house and all the trappings I would not have to work anyway. It has nothing to do with DSS mother.

Other than that I am spoilt to the point of embarrassment.

[brdgrl]

No, Aris, you seem to be happy with your life, so that's good. Congratulations on the new pregnancy, and I hope things continue to run smoothly for you.

[Arisbottle]

I don't need my corner fighting and you are criticising me because you have said that I am willingly and knowingly making my children second best.

I said in my reply to the OP that the financial irresponsibility and dishonesty would annoy me.

We have been overdrawn and struggling to pay the bills in the early days.

[Arisbottle]

Thankyou brdgrl, it is very exciting and a little scary, we had a miscarriage recently and so this is wonderful news to get another chance.

[Arisbottle]

I think you are very lucky if your career choices are completely your own, most of us have to balance what we want with the needs of our family.

[Petal02]

I hope your pregnancy goes well Aris :)

[brdgrl]

You are suggesting that if I make my own choice, it means I haven't considered the needs of my family?? I actually think I and my partner are the best people to make a decision about what is best for my family.

You've been saying that you don't understand why your responses are causing offense. This is why. Perhaps you aren't able to see this, but the tone of your response
I think you are very lucky if your career choices are completely your own, most of us have to balance what we want with the needs of our family.
is really pretty insulting.

I have said over and over that if your decision to include your husband's first wife in your private life decisions is one you are comfortable with, then I wish you well with it. But please do stop with the sneering attitude towards the rest of us.

[Arisbottle]

How is it insulting to say that most of us don't have a complete free choice over our career. Most people don't, you are very lucky if what you want to do coincides with what your family wants or needs.

I haven't said you are not considering the needs of your family.

I have said this before but only on MN is the word lucky considered an insult.

I have not sneered at anyone .

You disagree with me which is completely fine and the point if a discussion board but just because people disagree it does not mean they are sneering at one another or you have to read an insult into every post they make.

[wrinklyraisin]

Sorry if it seems we've ganged up on you Aris. I guess this forum is proof that there really are horses for courses. As long as it works for you and you're happy, that's what counts.

As an aside, I'd laugh my OH's ex out of the room if she wanted us to reduce our lifestyle to help improve hers. I work very hard, and am going back to uni, to improve my career and consequently our lifestyle. My dsd will in time benefit as she will have nice holidays and extra treats with us. I'm darned if I'm going to even give a seconds thought to what the ex thinks about my choices though. She's chosen her path and we have no say in that. So she's got no say in mine. I know she's jealous but too bad. She could get a job but she chooses not to. We can't force her. I just can't wrap my head around discussing life decisions with her. We are two separate families with one child in common, and as long as that child is well cared for by both families, everything else is private.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Aris do you have strong feelings about mothers being at home during their DCs pre-school years?
That is the only reason I can think of for you linking your DSS 'needs' with his mums choice to be a SAHM.
And yet, you were a WOHM yourself? Surely thst means that your own DCs needs (if that is what you believe they are) came below the need of your DSS to have his mum at home?

I think it's clear you have chosen to make sacrifices and that's entirely up to you, but your expectation that every blended family situation would work if only the adults behaved as you are is unrealistic.
Unlike your DSS mum, there are some mothers who won't accept a stepmum in their DCs lives. They will abuse, fight and poison their DCs against any woman who their ex enters into a relationship with.
To suggest that 'everyone should get on together for the sake of the DCs' is simplistic and patronising.

[Arisbottle]

Of course everyone can't get along, I think it is something to aim for and often something that benefits the children and adults involved. If DH and his DSS mother were involved in a prolonged series of battles I would not have married him. I have had enough by experience of rows and bitter splits in my life to choose to place myself and my children in that environment.

I think being able to be at home with the children when they are younger is important. However at the time I just wanted to have children and if that meant not being at home as much as I would have liked I was willing to make that "sacrifice " . As I said earlier, I would probably make a different decision now and my son's additional needs are a factor in that. I am considering taking a complete break from any work with this new one.

DSS mother is very different from me, she is one of these earth mother types, she lived to be a mother and being a SAHP was a number one priority. She is not really a career person and I am sure that if she and DH had stayed together that she would have had the large family that we have. I know she has found it hard to watch me have the life that she had hoped for. Of course she is comparing my public life with her private life which always leaves you feeling short.

[witchofmiddx]

I don't see why people are picking apart Aris's choices. Obviously she has an unusual setup in that they are all friends, but just consider how positive that is for all the children involved? No, not everyone would subscribe to discussing important personal life-changing decisions with their partner's ex. I would certainly not say one should feel obliged to do that- but how lovely that she cared enough about her dss to do just that. She was not forced to do it, it was done entirely of her own volition. Again very unusual, but what she has achieved is harmony within her extended family which creates a stress-free environment, avoiding all the day-to-day battles with steps and exes that we all have to face.

Everyone on this thread has expressed a valid point, but there is no definitive 'wrong' or 'right'. You are certainly in the minority but I can't see that you have behaved anything other than responsibly. Good luck to you!

[allnewtaketwo]

Arisbottle I have no interests in " trawling" your posts, I simply remember then as standing out as very sad that you've sacrificed your personal goals and your babies early weeks/months to keep another woman

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

I don't see why people are picking apart Aris's choices.

It's not her choices that I am challenging - but her assertion that her way is what others should do - it may have worked for her, but it's not supportive to share it if there is an expectation that the OP can only solve her problem if she does the same.

Sharing experiences can be very supportive; dictating that "your way is the only way" and DCs will suffer if you don't is critical and judgemental.

[Arisbottle]

I can't believe this is still being dragged out. I have not said everyone should live as I do, I was sharing my experiences , as people do on here. I said that I thought people should be able to provide for the children they have before having any more, whether this is in a traditional nuclear family or a step family. I don't think that is controversial. I have said that it is a good idea to get along. Again not that controversial. I have said that if a couple have a child together they have made a life long commitment to parent that child together, even if the relationship fails.

I have not sacrificed any life goals, we don't keep another woman and I had less maternity leave than I would have liked with ONE child, I don't think that is unusual and requires me to be seen as in need or treated badly.