would you be mad at this?

[mummatotwo]

DH and I agreed an amount of what we could afford in a change to his maintenance due to change of job and much lower income. He is dire with money BTW and for years I've bailed him out several times,but never learns I've even taken his bank card off him so he doesn't go over his overdraft

Not a great relationship with dss always texting and asking for money and he obliges. He never discusses it with me and everything is sneeky and behind my back. Our wages and money are our household income and we should discuss and agree these things I think.

We are going on on Hols soon we agree for me to pay hol and for him to provide the spending money, he's very OD at the bank again so now I've got to use my wages for spending money, which is going to leave us very tight for the next couple of months also I worked loads last month extra as we have lots if bills coming up to pay

I've just found out again by accident he's given hundred pounds out to the dss, I'm gobsmacked

[Petal02]

Pressed send too soon: Aris, you must be every divorced father's dream: a partner who is happy for the ex and 'first family children' to have first refusal on money and big decisions, rendering the second wife and 'second family children' squarely at the back of the queue. This is the stuff of major ructions in lots of families, yet you seem at peace with it? I'm actually annoyed on your behalf - you deserve better!!!!!

[Arisbottle]

They don't have first refusal, we make decisions jointly when they affect both families. No child comes second.

I do not see how I deserve or even could have better to be honest. I have a husband who adores me, a stepson who has welcomed me into his family, four healthy children of my own and hopefully more on the way, a beautiful home, a lifestyle free from financial worries and a job I adore. I am at peace with my life because by and large it is pretty perfect.

[Petal02]

Aris - I don't know whether to hug you or shake you!!! You list several things you might not have done, or have delayed "if the ex hadn't agreed to do some pt hours". So it sounds like she really is calling the shots??!!??

Would you really have tailored the trajectory if your career/family if she hadn't played ball??

Would there ever have been a point where, if she'd dug her heels in, your DH would have played hard ball and said "Aris is expecting again, there will be a cut in maintenance" or would everyone have tiptoed round her?

Again, please don't think I'm being critical of you; but as a fellow second wife, I don't believe the ex should be allowed to call the tune.

[allnewtaketwo]

Arisbottle "If having more children meant a significant change for the existing children it is not fair, unless it has been agreed by all parties"

So are you equally suggesting that a PWC should consult her ex when she chooses to have subsequent children and give up working, meaning the first children see a substantial reduction in money spent on them?

[allnewtaketwo]

"I do not see how I deserve or even could have better to be honest. I have a husband who adores me, a stepson who has welcomed me into his family, four healthy children of my own and hopefully more on the way, a beautiful home, a lifestyle free from financial worries and a job I adore. I am at peace with my life because by and large it is pretty perfect."

Arisbottle that all sounds very idyllic and noble, but I've seen you post on other threads about your regrets you can't be a SAHM due to a shortage of money , whereas your DP's can/could

[allnewtaketwo]

DP's ex

[Arisbottle]

She is not calling the tune, since child number 2 we have been in the financial situation that quite frankly we can have as many children as we wish and our DSS can still have a very good quality of life.

If we had less money to go around we would have had fewer children, many families have fewer children than they would ideally like because of finances, we would not be alone in that.

We have never tiptoed around his ex, our relationship is just not like that. We have all known each other for about almost 30 years, that is far too long to tip toe around someone.

With our eldest son, we were married quite soon after their divorce, I wanted children almost straight away. Our stepson was still a preschooler, I do not think it was harsh if her to say, actually my son and I are rebuilding our lives, he has been rather unsettled by changes in the family and I don't want to go back to work yet. She did not say, I will never go back to work, she just said not yet. I got pregnant almost straight away and therefore had to go back to work earlier than I would have had to if it had taken say a year to get pregnant.

[wrinklyraisin]

Omg. My dsd gets a great lifestyle with us. Her mother chooses not to work so she doesn't have as big an income. Her decision is nothing to do with us. And our lifestyle and decisions are nothing to do with her. We still have my dsd best interests at heart though as ALL her needs are met. I resent the implication that just because I value the lifestyle I have by working hard, I should somehow be "fair" and share this with my OH ex so the child won't suffer. Bull!

We work as a team to ensure my dsd is fed, clothed, educated and entertained and generally has a happy and opportunity filled life. My money isn't needed for this.

[Petal02]

Aris - is it really as idyllic as you portray, or are you married to a man who is so terrified of the ex's threats of withholding access, that he lets her walk all over him - and by extension - his new wife?

It's up to you if you choose to answer, but as we're all anonymous (and I am personally outraged on your behalf) you may post candidly?

[Arisbottle]

Allnew I have regretted that I could not have spent more time as a SAHM, but that is life, I have four children , if I had taken the five years I would have liked with each children I would been out of work for 20 years. I also like my own financial independence from DH and to know that I am earning my own pension, so my decision to work has not just been about our stepson.

Yes my DP's ex was a SAHM for longer but she had one child , she would desperately have liked more children. I would far rather be in my position than hers.

[allnewtaketwo]

Totally agree wrinkly, just interested how Arisbottle would see the NRP getting a say in how many children the PWC has, given she is very "pro" the PWC having a say if the NRP has more children, with the same result

[Arisbottle]

She has never threatened to withdraw access and never would, what a bizarre thing to suggest.

Our stepson is too old for formal access now, but DH has always seen as much if his son as he wanted to. For many years we have had shared residency. Since I have become a teacher DSS often spent the school holidays with us so that his mother could work.

I don't see why people want to suggest there is something sinister going on, we just want the best for our children.

[Arisbottle]

We have never seen it as the parent with care or non resident parent tbh, there were times when DSS lived mostly with his mother and times when it was more equal.

As I said, his ex has never had any more children, although she has just got married. As our stepson is about to leave home , her decision to have more children would not affect our stepson. I guess if it had affected the amount of maintenance needed we would have had a discussion.

[Petal02]

Wrinkly, ditto (again). There's a big disparity between our household income (we both work) and the ex's household income. And the only way we'd be able to achieve a consistent standard of living for DSS across two households, is if we bought the ex a bigger house in a nicer area and gave her substantial hand outs each month.

So any child born to DH and I would have a better lifestyle than DSS, unless we redress the balance.

And that ain't ever gonna happen!!!!

[allnewtaketwo]

I don't see anything sinister, but I do not definitely dispute the suggestion that any adult wanting more children in a new relationship should only do so as a result of a joint decision with their ex, even if there is a financial impact on joint children.

Just imagine the complexity in a situation with 2 or more exes on both sides with children. That would be an interesting 'joint decision'

[Arisbottle]

There is a big disparity between our incomes, but that is mainly because of DH. DSS mother earns little because she has put our stepson before a career. She partially enabled DH to be so successful by running the home and playing the corporate wife - something I am not very good at.

DSS ex has the marital home, which is not as large as ours but there is only the two if them, or three now she is married. It is certainly a house that most families would be happy to own. We also have a small holding and I am not sure she would want the responsibility of getting up at 5am to deed the animals!

My Stepson has a similar standard of living to our other children.

[Petal02]

Good point Allnew!

Aris. I'm not suggesting anything sinister, I just feel sad that your needs/wants seem to have taken a back seat to those of the ex. But if you're ok with it, then that's fine. We're all different.

[Arisbottle]

Allnew so do you think that fathers ( or mothers) should be able to just abandon their children and start up new families ?

I am not saying that an ex should be able to permanently veto children but that a discussion should take place about how to manage the change so that existing children are affected the least. Parents should also be able to support the children they have before having any more and sometimes that may mean that if you marry a man who already has children that there will be no more children or a compromise will be needed.

[Arisbottle]

Anyway DH will be home soon and the ex is coming over for dinner, had better get into my submissive role and get dinner prepared.

[Petal02]

I wasn't criticising you Aris - I just wanted you to fight for your rights!!!!!!

[allnewtaketwo]

"Allnew so do you think that fathers ( or mothers) should be able to just abandon their children and start up new families"

Good grief, that's a massive leap from one subject to another. The thread I read was about maintenance, not sure when or who decided it was about abandonment

[Arisbottle]

By abandon I meant not pay maintence or pay a token amount whilst having a second family - it seems to happen an awful lot. It would e much better if a divorced family discussed through the implications of having more children rather than just merrily conceiving more children without thinking about the ones that already exist.

Petal I am not sure what rights I should be fighting for. There are women out there that really need your concern, I don't think I am one of them.

[allnewtaketwo]

Well DH's ex certainly didn't discuss giving her job up with DH when she went on to have 3 more children. And quite rightly so. Yet, her decision comes under your criteria that it should have been a joint decision, in particular given the exiting children suffered a huge reduction in their standard living and she doesn't pay a penny towards them as she earns nothing.

I'm surprised anyone thinks that DH should be able to exert control over her decision by having any involvement in it at all.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Aris Do you think that I should have discussed with DD's Dad my decision several years ago to take Vol Redundancy?

My DD's life changed completely; we moved home, her childcare arrangements changed, our standard of living reduced considerably.....while I kept him fully informed, I certainly didn't consult with him before I made decisions about my life.....there is no way we would have agreed anyway, because that's one of the reasons we divorced!
I didn't expect him to contribute any more than he had been towards DD's costs - I reduced my expenditure accordingly; second-hand uniform, not going on all the additional school trips, no takeouts or meals out...we managed, but I have no doubt that he disapproved as he went out of his way to tell anyone who would listen - was I wrong?

[brdgrl]

This is just bizarre.
Not that you have found a way that works for you, Aris, you say your life is pretty perfect, and that's great.

But I think where I am finding your posts hard to swallow is where you seem to suggest that this is the route 'responsible parents' should take, or that we don't all want 'the best for our children'. Maybe you don't mean to suggest any such thing, maybe you are just wanting to share your own experience in a blended family. I really hope so.