Clothes at the weekend

[emilyeggs]

I've just been looking on another thread about clothes and is it right for the mum to have to pack a bag eow (a resounding no and flaming of xDH). We have tried a few different options. I suggested we have clothes hear (we always have toiletries, pants, coats) but thing inevitably go back to mums and with the weather being unpredictable and growing to fast to use them only twice a month it's just not worth it. Dh gets skids Friday straight from school so they come in there uniform and bag of clothes. I try to send uniforms back washed and anything else I can.....just wondering what your set up is

[theredhen]

I've been with dp for over 5 years (ex w left him for another man over 7 years ago), his ex has never met me despite me offering several times. Dsd2 lives with me and dp and I know more about her life than her mum, she still won't meet me.

She has, however, sent me emails on how I should wash her children's clothes! I wouldn't mind if she sent the kids to us in an immaculate state, but she doesn't! One of the reasons dsd2 states as wanting to live with us is cleaner clothes and access to ways to keep clean properly.

I was a happy bunny the day I got that email - not!

[emilyeggs]

Well pretty, you and your DH are doing all you should. If ex ft job doesn't cover her bills she will have to re think her situation/finances.....like we all do when times are tough.

[emilyeggs]

No redhen I should imagine you weren't!

[stepmooster]

Surely the clothes belong to the kids not the parents? DSS packs his own bag and we tend to have some wet weather gear and swimmers for when he comes over as he wouldn't really use them at home.

The ex buys all the basic stuff, DH will buy him a decent pair of shoes/trainers or any other items that are generally a bit more expensive than primark/bhs.

If he's here longer than the weekend I'll wash his laundry.

Kids clothes are expensive, what's the point in two lots?

DSS is in charge of his own bag. When DSS was a bit younger DH used to ring him up night before to check what was packed was suitable for the weekend weather. Now DSS is older and bit more vain, he takes great care in his wardrobe.

[mumandboys123]

pretty so if there are two households to cover, the NRP shouldn't get into debt to cover basic costs of children...but the PWC should? single parents with care who are working full time can, in reality, receive very little in the way of benefits/tax credits/maintenance yet still be expected to keep a roof over children's heads, feed them, clothe them etc. etc. I detest this idea that because there are benefits/tax credits, it somehow covers the cost of having children and the NRP is therefore absolved of any responsibility beyond a basic contribution. My childcare costs me over £200 a week. Tax credits contribute £80 towards that. My ex should contribute £45 a week (but doesn't) which means I'm not even covering childcare costs between my ex and the state. I therefore pay for EVERYTHING for 3 children as well as keeping the roof over our heads - and it's a struggle. And sometimes it will mean that I have to put essential expenditure on the credit card. No doubt if I refused to do that, I would be hounded as a 'bad mother' because the children's trousers were too short or school jumper has a small hole in it and my 'lifestyle' would be called into question. Many of us live incredibly close to the edge and life is hard for all of us. But hey, OK for the PWC to get into debt as long as the NRP is OK, eh?

[PrettyPaperweight]

mumandboys A PWC is financially responsible for the DCs, therefore in a position to budget, making choices about lifestyle, quality of purchases and financial commitments. In contrast, the NRP is often faced with demands for money without any notice whatsoever, because the PWC has decided that the DCs will go on that school trip/need new blazers/have grown out of shoes but that as they can't afford it, they expect the NRP to contribute.

It's a fact of life that many DCs can't have everything their parents want them to have unless the parents choose to get into debt. In separated families, Because the PWC is financially responsible, they are the ones responsible for making choices about what their DCs can, and cannot, have.
I appreciate that it's incredibly unfair that one parent is burdened with the financial responsibility for a child - but that's the way the system works, at least at the moment!

Of course, the ideal solution is that the NRP forms a partnership with someone who is able to support them, which frees up the NRP income to meet the demands of the PWC.

[mumandboys123]

I disagree. Financial responsibility for children is a joint issue which should be shared proportionately between parents. What we have is a system that allows countless parents - usually but not exclusively fathers - to take no financial responsibility for their children whatsoever leaving the PWC in a position of enforced poverty and/or of having to make choices between the basics/clothes/home repairs/school trips. The suggestion that we have a choice about whether we get into debt or not is laughable - working full time in a professional job with a modest home to manage and maintain and primary aged children to care for, I have no 'lifestyle' and no spare cash to make 'quality' purchases for anything. Whilst it won't kill my children not to have what others have, it is galling to read countless posts about how money grabbing PWC are when every working PWC I know struggles at least some of the time to put food on the table. And believe me, when the children are of an age to understand, there will be no holding back on exactly why there is a hole in the celing, the shower has needed fixing for 3 years and I have fallen out of the tree in the back garden trying to trim it myself 'cos I can't afford a professional to do it.

And I hope to be a new partner some day soon. Being my partner would never free up the income of an NRP to meet the demands of his PWC. He will be too busy filling in the hole that my ex has left - because I will lose all my tax credit and child benefit when we move in together. Meanwhile, my ex is out making babies he has no intention of supporting with countless other women.

[PrettyPaperweight]

What we have is a system that allows countless parents - usually but not exclusively fathers - to take no financial responsibility for their children whatsoever

I agree, and it equally excludes NRP (such as my ex) who wish to be involved in the financial management of their DCs lives.

But what's the alternative? If separated parents can't agree on simple issues like the allocation of clothing between houses, they're not going to be able to sit down civilly and decide how to spend the finite pot of money available to support the DCs.
I know of very few PWC (me included) who welcome their ex questioning how the money available to support the DCs each month is spent.

[purpleroses]

I agree with pretty. If the two parents can sit down together and decide together how to support their DCs then that's fine.

But the child support system is an alternative for those who can't or want responsibilities to be clearer between them. It places a fixed and non-negotiable burden on the NRP, who then has no say over what the money is spent on. But gives both power and responsibility to the RP whose responsibility it then is to budget and provide for the DC.

My ex pays me money so I buy the DC's clothes. My DP pays his ex money, so she buys DSC's clothes. If money is tight, DCs have hand-downs and charity shop clothes.

[kezLOU1977]

I have experience with this from all angles. My 3 kids take a suitcase full of clothes to their dads and he doesn't supply any clothes unless he wants to buy them something and that's totally fine with me, they bring all clothes back including new ones and I wash the lot and the week starts again. My dh's ex insisted we buy all 3 of her kids enough clothes for weekends & holidays including shoes, coats and underwear to keep at ours because it is our duty to clothe the kids while they are with us. I objected but my dh went out and bought everything because he was so scared if he refused she would stop contact.
I was not happy at all and after a few weeks of washing six kids clothes for 2 weeks on the trot and finding somewhere to store them mid week I rang the child maintenance people who said that it was wrong of dh's ex to demand the clothes so she didn't have to pack a bag and do the washing every Sunday and she even sent me an email saying this so I could send it on to dh's ex who rather sheepishly back peddled. No apology though and my kids went without that month. I was so tempted so cancel the maintenance for one month and send the damn clothes to her but my dh wouldn't let me. Funnily enough though now we have moved 4 hours away because of work we hardly see the kids anyway and although that upsets dh his ex deffo prefers this arrangement as it means less packing & washing.

[theredhen]

Kez, I've had the same. Having to do all washing for all kids, resident or not. Washing for 7 people, bed linen, towels etc for weeks at a time isn't fun. Especially when I was used to washing for 2 people only before I met dp!

Ironically I was working full time and dp ex wasn't working at all but I was doing her kids washing for half the week.

I do a bit less now as contact has changed as the kids have got older.

It's bloody annoying but I decided long ago that it wasn't a battle worth having with either my ex or dp ex.

[Tuckshop]

Everyone's situation is different, but in mine I think it's taking the mickey to expect the RP to do all the packing, unpacking and washing of things. It never occurred to me that dsd should come with anything, it was so much easier just to buy what she needed and keep it. And her mum had enough to do without having a bag of dirty washing at the end of dsd's weekends with us.

I feel the same now that dd goes to her Dad's. He is just as capable as me of sticking a few clothes in the wash and sorting out what she needs for the couple of days that he has her, and I don't see why I should do it. She has 2 parents supposedly co-parenting. It's a nightmare having to keep track of what's where, he's refused to bring her things round if she needs them and left them at his and it's a waste of money to keep having to replace things that have disappeared at his end.

I have found it so much easier if each party sorts out what they need.

[IneedAyoniNickname]

I sent my dc to their dads eow with clean pants and top for the next day (trousers/shorts can be reworn) Ex has pjs, toothbrushes and swimmers at his. He doesn't pay maintenance, and won't buy them things unless he feels like it. He bought ds2 a t shirt recently (which is 3 sizes too big) and told me its because he bought him nice ones for Christmas, but he never wears them (because I put them away until they fit) I asked him what was wrong with what I dress him in, he said nothing but its not what I bought
Anyway, ds2 has worn this top home a few times,.and i always send it back the next week washed and ironed. The one time the dc left clothes there they took 3 weeks to come back, were still damp from being washed and so screwed up i cant fathom how
they had been left to dry!

Ex is taking the dc on holiday for a week in the summer, and I am supplying everything including suncream! I know it will all come home unwashed (assuming they wear more than 2 outfits like last year) even though the weekend they come home is 'his weekend' apparently he can't have them, as they (him and his gf) will have washing and stuff to do!

I don't mind supplying all their clothes, just fed up with it always being me who washes it, and having him.moan about what they do or don't wear despite not paying!

I used to take clothes to my dads, and don't remember being bothered. It was just what we did.

[IneedAyoniNickname]

Also I don't think it would be worth him keeping outfits there as they just wouldn't get worn much.

[Interestingchanges]

When dh and I first got together, exw did not want dsc to feel at home in our house (specially bought to accommodate all 5 of us), and so dh had to carry massive suitcase of stuff they thought they needed for the weekend (we had no car) through a large town on public transport and then back again (although I felt it served him right for not standing up to ex and not making dsc, 12 and 8, at least carry a small bag each...).
Did not want to be married to a mule so I gave dsd some money to buy essentials at our local mall (manic shopper, loved the idea), and dss is still happy to wear (perfectly in tact) ds hand me downs like jeans, jackets and t- shirts (ds outgrows clothes in proverbial bat of eye), bought him undies etc. too.
Dsd then started packing her own bag for weekend as was pretty independent already, dss happy to avoid that hassle.
I did their laundry for 3 years but since last year gave them all a basket each and they do their own once a week (including ds).
Dsd not so keen on doing own laundry but willing to bring and carry back stuff herself, which is fine too. Sorted.

[TobyLerone]

My XH is insane insists on doing the 'separate clothes' thing, to the point where the DC come home on Sunday evenings after his weekends in their school uniform because he's picked them up from school on the Friday

[ushush]

Not sure why I read this thread. Just caught my eye, but I must tell you it makes me very sad. Competitive clothes washing, my clothes and her clothes....soooo sad for all of your children.

I remain so wonderfully grateful that my parents chose each other well, adapted and committed to each other, dealt with any challenges and continue to give me such a stable, loving home.

Please, whatever you do, think of your children first in all of this. Compromise, understand, tolerate.....your chance to at least manage one aspect of a painful time with dignity and compassion for those who did not choose such a complex situation......

[PrettyPaperweight]

Please, whatever you do, think of your children first in all of this. Compromise, understand, tolerate.....your chance to at least manage one aspect of a painful time with dignity and compassion for those who did not choose such a complex situation......

As stepparents we don't get the luxury of doing those things; we are dictated to by the behaviour of our DSC parents who we are unable to influence.

[TobyLerone]

As stepparents we don't get the luxury of doing those things; we are dictated to by the behaviour of our DSC parents who we are unable to influence.

Sadly this isn't always true.

Surely as the step parent it's most important for you to behave as ushush says.

[Petal02]

But as a step parent - even if you are the most balanced, fair, tolerant person on the planet - if those around you are behaving in a ridiculous manner, you're often powerless to change the situation.

[Satnightdropout]

Partners kids just wear whatever backwards and forwards (we gave the kids at weekend). Anything partner buys may end up at their mothers place and vice versa. Majority of their clothes are at their mums, but if they need some thing from ours then they just pop in after school (they're school Is literally 5 seconds way) before their mum picks them up or as partner works with his eldest then they just text him and he'll take it in for son to take back.

However, the only reason why the ex is so chilled about this arrangement is because she isn't the most domesticated of women and knows I'll wash whatever clothing's at mine regardless of who bought them, lol.

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

dsc have clothes and toiletries here, they change out of what they are wearing as soon as they get to us and put the same clothes on just before we leave to drop them off.

it is entirely down to their mum as she has always refused to allow them to bring anything with them including toys and if they take anything from ours to hers she throws it away, so even Christmas presents have to stay at separate houses .

we decided after a particularly upsetting incident where she threw dss brand new star wars t shirt away (he sobbed down the phone to dp for about an hour) that it was less stress to just keep everything separate.

[IneedAyoniNickname]

Sorry. It's not competitive clothes washing, although I'm aware it looks like that. It's just an honest account of how being the rp of children with a step family is for me.

I always put my dc first, when they bring screwed up damp clothes home I just hang them to dry, iron them and put them away.

I'm also aware that my experience is just that...mine! Everyone has different experiences and opinions!

[Tuckshop]

Don't be sad for my children ushush. They are both massively better off for our situation, I am too. Were your parents divorced, I wasn't sure from your post? If they are, then yes you are very lucky that they were able to do so and not have issues between them.

Like others have said, it's all very well saying that we need to compromise etc. but when one party is hell-bent on being difficult and obstructive then there is little you can do other than minimise their opportunity to affect the children. And one of the things that I did was stop sending dd with everything she needed, and that put a stop to the phone calls asking for things back and asking what she needed to take.

[ushush]

Sorry if I seemed a bit critical. I did not mean to be and I believe everyone does try their best in these awkward situations. My sadness is that the break ups happened really. I know just how fortunate I am to have a very happy mum and dad. I hope that they will never fall out. We did a survey in school a while ago about families. I just remember that out of 20 of us I was one of 2 that had no splits/steps/separation etc.....

One time to be happy to be odd......