Clothes at the weekend

[emilyeggs]

I've just been looking on another thread about clothes and is it right for the mum to have to pack a bag eow (a resounding no and flaming of xDH). We have tried a few different options. I suggested we have clothes hear (we always have toiletries, pants, coats) but thing inevitably go back to mums and with the weather being unpredictable and growing to fast to use them only twice a month it's just not worth it. Dh gets skids Friday straight from school so they come in there uniform and bag of clothes. I try to send uniforms back washed and anything else I can.....just wondering what your set up is

[JazzTheDog]

My DS has a full set of clothes here and at his dads house. We just send each others things back (ex buys much more expensive things than I do).

My skids used to have their own sets of clothes here until they started coming in old things they were growing out of and leaving them and taking the stuff that does fit back to their mum. Meaning whenever we had them and were going out to do something/somewhere nice (parties for example) we had to go out and buy more new things. Eventually we sent everything home with them for their mum to sort out and pass down to relatives and they now just bring a bag every time they come. If it's for a weekend it's not washed before going home, if it's for a week, i'll wash it all the night before they go.

[WhispersOfWickedness]

Wow, who knew this would be such a minefield!
I'm not a stepmum but I am a stepchild.
FWIW, I took anything I needed in a bag with me from DMs, it's never occurred to me that there would be any other way! I certainly never felt pushed out of DDads family or that he was 'mean' for not buying me stuff while I was there TBH, having two sets of things sounds like a colossal waste of money, especially with younger kids who grow out of stuff so quickly.

[PrettyPaperweight]

whispers That speaks volumes about the way in which both your parents dealt with the situation - the fact that it never occurred to you to do things differently is a testament to their ability to co-operate

Unfortunately, it's all too common for parents to openly disagree and involve the DCs - Mum demanding that the DCs bring all clothing back with them dirty rather than be laundered by SM, or Dad complaining that mum always sends them in clothing that is too small. Is it any wonder that it becomes an issue for some DCs?

[Xalla]

DSD has a complete wardrobe here and another at her Mums. DH does 50/50 in a week on / week off routine atm Monday - Monday so she arrives and leaves in uniform. We send a set of uniform back with her for her to return to us wearing the following Monday. Mum does the same.

During the holidays Mum will provide a set of clothes for DSD to wear when she goes from Dad to Mum. We provide a set of clothes for DSD to wear when she comes here from Mum.

She's 7 and doesn't have a problem with this system ATM but I can imagine she will when she's older and develops a preference for certain items of clothing.

We couldn't find another way. Mum's house is a bit of black hole - things that go into it invariably seem to disappear and when my DH complained, they'd come back damaged with indelible ink or dyed pink in the wash. When Mum dressed DSD to come back here she'd make a point of sending her in T-shirts etc that had "My Mum is the best" or "I love my Mum" all over them. It was awful.

At least this way everyone knows where they stand.

[ChasingSquirrels]

my dc's (both primary age) have clothes at both houses.

Uniform - 3 sets (though ds2 has lots more as we seem to have accumulated hand me downs). They wear a clean set to school, picked up by dad, that set stays there and is washed, wear a clean set the next day and come back here. I have 2 sets here for 4 days wear a week, so wash midweek.

If dad has them Fri evening they change out of uniform into home clothes before they go so that uniform doesn't accumulate there and they don't run out of home clothes. As they haven't worn those clothes for very long they usually wear them again the next day and come home in them that evening.

If he has them Sat evening they just go in what they have been wearing, change into clean clothes the next day and come home in them that evening.

They don't have masses at either house, so if either of us is taking them away we usually pass clothing over so they have enough shorts, trousers, t-shirts etc to last the time they are away.

Occasionally have a sort out when seasons change.

I buy the bulk of their clothes, as they are here more of the time, but dad does buy them some stuff. All clothes just cycle between the two houses depending - there isn't any returning to the house that brought it.

As far as I am aware they only have the coats and shoes they have here, they don't have any there, other than maybe wellies.

ds1 doesn't give a toss what he wears, ds2 will pick his clothes - but isn't bothered enough to say "where is that item" if it isn't there. Will see what happens when they get older and more fashion conscious.

[xuntitledx]

We have separate wardrobes for the DSC, it wasn't always like that but it got to a point where the new clothes that fit them would disappear at the exes house and never return and it seemed that she deliberately sent them in clothes too small as nothing ever fitted them.

Rewind a few years and the situation is worse than ever, the clothes they arrive in smell like damp, wet dog and are always ridiculously smokey despite her insistence that she doesn't smoke anywhere near them.

Our budgets are clearly a lot different and not to sound like a snob but I don't want to trade all of our good quality Next or John Lewis clothes for cheap outfits from Primark which never last, never fit them well and are usually torn or snagged within a few wears.

Unfortunately it means that as soon as we collect the kids, we get them changed and change them back before they leave but that is mainly because of the smell rather than anything else.

[WhispersOfWickedness]

Pretty - absolutely, my parent's divorce was completely amicable and I never remember any mention of issues with maintenance, custody, etc etc. Neither ever said a bad word about the other in front of me.
I should have been a completely well adjusted child of divorced parents but sadly one of them did not choose their next partner quite so wisely so I had a miserable few years in my teens!
It's really sad to hear stories of exes making life so difficult, ultimately it just hurts the children

[MirandaWest]

When DC go to their dads house they take clothes with them and they come back again. I don't mind if they are clean or dirty - I don't have any problems washing them. If they've been there longer then XH will generally wash some clothes. Occasionally some clothes will end up there when they want to wear them here but these things happen (although when all of DSs three pairs of denim shorts were there it was a little annoying and somehow there are odd socks in both houses )

I buy all school clothes and nearly all shoes I think. XH buys some clothes as well but neither belong to either house. It helps that we are generally amicable and that we only live a few miles apart.

[halestone]

We buy DSD clothes all the time but we have been sending them back to her mums with her. Sometimes she comes back in them if her mum doesn't sell them mostly we never see her wear them again. The Ex also sends her with a bag every weekend but often sends her in her sisters clothes that are far to small.

Instead of arguing about it with the Ex about it we just end up buying DSD new clothes. But after having months of this we've decided that any clothes we buy we will be keeping at ours and then at least she has clothes that fit.

[emilyeggs]

Why would she send her in her sisters clothes?

[halestone]

God knows you can tell there not DSDs as the pants are far too short. We think its so we buy more but we're not sure.

[emilyeggs]

My DH just ask if they need more clothes.....always get a no though, even if things are to small and coming back time after time .wouldn't it be so much easier if conversations could be had with out it being taken the wrong way

[heidiwine]

My DP's children bring bags with them that have their clothes in them. We have the basics here (spare underwear, pyjamas, toiletries etc.) but nothing close to a full wardrobe. It helps that their mum lives nearby so if they do leave anything (at either house) DP can pop round.
Re washing - when we're doing a wash we wash anything that might need a wash. It has been known for the children to bring a full week's worth of washing round when their mum has gone away for the weekend but that's unusual (as well as being petty and spiteful). Regardless, we washed it and sent it all back clean and ironed...

[emilyeggs]

Sandiy, you should definitely get help with school uniform/shoes! DH pays maintenance but that stuff is expensive! I'm glad you got your keys back, how rude to go snooping! It's so interesting to see the clothes thing from both sides....I've read things now which make sense ie not wanting good clothes ruined

[PrettyPaperweight]

Sandiy, you should definitely get help with school uniform/shoes! DH pays maintenance but that stuff is expensive

I don't think it is as clear cut as that.

If a DCs parents live together as one household, uniforms and shoes are bought within the budget of the household - be that high quality, discount or second hand.

If a DCs parents are split, then the amount of money available for uniforms etc is inevitably going to be less (two households to maintain etc) and unevenly distributed - one parent takes financial responsibility for the DC and receives maintenance, child benefit etc.
If a NRP can afford to increase their financial support to contribute to uniforms etc then that is great, but should be part of the overall arrangement, not an expectation that places the NRP in debt.

[MirandaWest]

I think it must depend a little on how much maintenance the RP receives. In my case XH has a fairly well paying job and so the maintenance I receive is sufficient that I would only ask for an additional contribution for an irregular expense ie when DC go on school residential trips I will probably ask if he can contribute. But for normal expenses such as uniform, given the amount I get I think it would be unreasonable to ask for any more.

[emilyeggs]

Pretty, I don't mean to buy the lot but a lot of people I know share this one off cost. One buys the shoes, the other buys the uniform...or whatever way works

[PrettyPaperweight]

emily If that is the maintenance agreement that has been reached, then great - but regular maintenance, CB, tax credits are all paid monthly to the RP who is responsible for budgeting - and if that means setting aside a small amount every month in order to cover those larger, less frequent costs then thats what they need to do!

If maintenance is relied on by the RP for day to day costs such as mortgage and utility bills then a change in circumstance of the NRP can be catastrophic on two households - and what happens when a DC reaches 16/18 yrs of age and benefits and maintenance stop?

[emilyeggs]

Then they get a job if not in school I do see where you are coming from. I just don't think the odd pair of shoes would put someone into debt. You can't always budget for stuff, we've had school shoes lost, ties lost, stuff left at ours and need quick replacement, but ever one is different x

[Thyeternalsummer]

Recently gone from 50/50 to EOW and one week night. DP not happy with this, but think likely to be long term arrangement as exW able to be SAHM, can do school run etc. Change has necessitated maintenance payments whereas previously each parent was responsible for own costs. Think clothes situation is going to have to change as well.

Previously we were happy to have complete set of clothes etc here for DSD but now we won't be able to afford to maintain a full wardrobe on top of maintenance payments. So DSD is going to have to start bringing a bag when current wardrobe comes to end of the season. Not massively looking forward to this (aside from the fact that I'd like to dress her in Boden and her mum prefers an alternative style), as exW likes DSD to take responsibility for her own clothes/packing etc. - whereas I prefer not to leave matters like having clean school uniform to a disorganised 10 year old..... Nothing more annoying than being told that we can't go out as she hasn't brought the 'right top', having her trying to wear seasonally inappropriate clothing, or taking an age to get ready for school as she doesn't have the correct uniform. I prefer knowing that she's got a sufficient supply of clean, well fitting clothes and it's one less thing to worry about.

So my preference would always be separate wardrobes at both houses; but appreciate financial arrangements often necessitate parent in receipt of CM etc needing to provide clothing.

[emilyeggs]

The dc gets a job I mean....I did when I left school and I expect my own ds to do the same

[PrettyPaperweight]

emily what if they move out/away?

My DSD Mum is facing this - when DSD finishes further education, her Mum will no longer receive tax credits, child benefit and maintenance - DSD already lives away from home for college, but Mum hasn't used any of the maintenance or benefits towards DSD costs as she says that she can't afford to.

Mum has told DP and anyone else who will listen that when the money stops she won't be able to pay the mortgage, and will be out on the street .

DP and I have been supporting DSD financially as much as we can, but it does mean that DP only contributes the minimum for DSS (via the CSA) and doesn't hand over extra to his ex for school shoes etc - we just can't afford to do it.

[emilyeggs]

And that's fair enough, each situation is different. Do you mean the ex is worried about money when dsd leaves school/home? Surly your DH only concern is for dd, the ex will have to find another source of income when the money stops. Sorry if that sounds mean but it's life. No?

[PrettyPaperweight]

emily Yes - despite a F/T job, DP's ex relies on child benefit, tax credits and maintenance for day to day living costs.
DSD lives away during the week, but her Mum doesn't pay towards the costs of that - even though she is still receiving CB/TC and maintenance for both DC's. DP pays maintenance to ex for both DC's, and we financially support DSD as much as we can as well.

When DSD finishes her studies, she won't move back in with Mum, and Mum will lose the benefits/maintenance for one DC, and says that she won't be able to manage financially.

[Labro]

ExH and wife are a nightmare about clothing. I've sent bags of clothing with ds yet they still send him home in stuff at least 3 sizes too small yet 'demand' that its returned. When ds is at his dads for longer than a weekend, ExH states hes not allowed to take a bag but will then txt 10 minutes before hand asking for underwear etc. Got caught out one weekend, ds stuff all in wash so sent him without, ds came home stating that exh couldn't find anywhere to buy underwear for an 11 year old anywhere in the whole of Yorkshire!!!!! Wife drives me bananas as ds is allergic to most washing powder, got abusive text from her when I queried (politely) the itchy rash and cloying scent,to be told that as I had such an issue with her washing ds clothes I could **ing do it myself and that he 'never itched' at their house!