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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Teenage stepsons in our bedroom

325 replies

allnewtaketwo · 07/10/2012 20:17

Yesterday, DSS (16) was in our bedroom, solely because he needed to print something out (i wasn't aware of this at the time). At one point I heard banging and thumping around upstairs and asked DH to go up and see what was going on. Turns out both DSSs were play? fighting in our bedroom, on our bed. I was very annoyed, and said to DH that I don't want them in our bedroom anymore. Not only is that the one room in our house that I can have any privacy, but I think I can reasonably expect to not having a young adult model and his teenage brother fighting on my bed.

Roll forward to today. I was walking upstairs and saw DSS1 walking into my bedroom. 5 mins before, I had been busy on the computer in the bedroom (online banking) and also had out some underwear on radiator to dry. Had only left room to go to loo. I spoke to DH and turns out he'd told DSS he could use put computer.

I was very annoyed and DH couldn't understand why. We have a laptop FGS. Am do cross. I don't think I'm unreasonable in not wanting to have a 16 year old male in my bedroom, let alone seeing my private banking details. Am just having a rant here!

OP posts:

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IceBergJam · 07/10/2012 21:45

Knocking isn't really an appointment is it? Would you really walk straight into a teen boys (or girls) bedroom without knocking and waiting for an answer?

brdgrl · 07/10/2012 21:47

For god's sake, sparkles. This isn't a problem in my family. It is what we do, and it works. Just like it did in my family growing up. And in my DH's family when he was. And in my sisters' families (unblended). And in loads of families on my town, I'm sure.

I can promise you, we would have problems if we decided bedrooms were common areas and I started hanging out in DSD's room while she was at school!

sudaname · 07/10/2012 21:49

Yuk and bleugh spring to mind - l hear you.

My adult stepson had similiar lack of respect for our privacy even in our bedroom ffs. Used to do my head in.

Worst one was when we got a brand new bed and after DH had put it together and l had made it up with all new duvet set etc, SS came upstairs to see what we were doing (?) walks through our bedroom door and on seeing the new bed pounces onto it and lays out full length on his back to try it (??).

DH just laughed.

It was one of the most surreal moments of my life, standing there next to my husband one minute looking forward to spending our first night testing the springs in our lovely new bed and bedding and the next minute l'm looking at my six foot adult stepson lying flat out on it even before either of us had lay on it.

For those of you who say different, it definitely does make a difference l'm afraid when the adult male in question is not your own biologically. Tbh, l wouldnt be too thrilled if my own adult son did the same (yes l have got one and no he wouldnt dream of it). We are not talking here about five year olds bouncing on the bed which l couldnt care less about, whether DCs or DSCs.

If a couples bed cant be 'sacred' to them and the bedding they lie on fgs then l dont know what can be.

Shesparkles · 07/10/2012 21:49

So a lot of you think it's normal, I think it's weird. I'm sure there will be some things I do which you think are weird to my normal. It's my opinion, that's all.

omletta · 07/10/2012 21:50

Allnew yes I can see that not everyone is going to be the same as me. And I didn't mean in bed, not once they were teenagers - thats really not right, but lying on the bed, chatting, reading the papers, drinking tea. This is normal family stuff and my DSC are part of my family.

Shesparkles · 07/10/2012 21:50

And for the record I was being facetious saying appointment, as some of you seem so very strict about it.

IceBergJam · 07/10/2012 21:55

Our teens are generally fast asleep in their own beds while we have tea in the mornings. And yes id invite them in for a chat if DH was there but thats not wondering in and out at will is it? I think they would be horrified to freely walk in to our bedroom one morning with out knocking and catching DH and I at it!

Hullygully · 07/10/2012 21:56

Goodness

I had never ever ever ever ever ever ever thought that my kids shouldn't be allowed in my bedroom, bio or otherwise and whatever age. I am staggered.

And kids like being with their parents, they are "hanging" about waiting for their dads because htey love them and want to be with them.

Hardly weird you mad freak parents

omletta · 07/10/2012 22:01

Well said Hully

Shesparkles · 07/10/2012 22:06

Hully can I move in to,your house and come in for a blether on the end of your bed last ting at night? I kind of miss doing that

NotaDisneyMum · 07/10/2012 22:20

What a bunch of bloody weirdos not even allowing your own children in your bedroom without an appointment

My exH walks into my DD's room whenever he likes without knocking regardless of the time of day and despite her repeated requests for him not to. It really upsets her - which is my fault by being weird and teaching her that privacy and personal space is something to be respected, I presume?

marriednotdead · 07/10/2012 22:21

I'm entirely with the OP. I have teen DS and DSS living with me and as others have said, my bedroom is my sanctuary. They knock if the door is closed, and don't go in when we're not in there unless asked to.

They sometimes come in to talk to me while I'm ironing or whatever, but they understand that it's our personal space. I would be furious if either of them were rolling around on my bed- they have their own for that!

taxiforme · 07/10/2012 22:50

Hmm I have no kids of my own and even stranger I am living in the ex MH with my DH. My poor three SC have to suffer the confusion of a "new person" (all be it five years ago) sleeping in the room that used to be mum and dad's.

None of this was my doing BTW I came along after DH had been single for 2 years - ExW had moved out and in with another bloke and was living happily down the road.

If the door is shut it means don't come in, thats it I suppose with us- I have never had to tell them this, though. It helps that the eldest are girls (17 and 14). The two youngest used to come in on a sunday morning and spend ages lying on our bed with us (yes as a SM I know.. all the BMs will be horrified).

But like any behaviour, if it upsets you and is unreasonable then you have every right to tell him to stop.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 07/10/2012 23:01

Hmmm, I am surprised at the amount of people who ban their dc from their rooms.

I don't have any step dc, but I have 3 bio dc, and I wouldn't dream of banning them from my room. They come and go as they please. I don't let them play in there as such, but dd2 will often go in there to read or use her laptop, in peace.

If I want some privacy, then I ask them to leave, and they are fine with that, it's no biggy.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 07/10/2012 23:03

Hully, mine often come in and park themselves on the end of my bed for a chat too. I love it.

brdgrl · 08/10/2012 00:21

My DSS used to (not so much now he's 15) snuggle up and watch telly with me or have a chat, too.

After knocking and being invited in.

Far cry from being welcome to stroll in any time, or use our room when we aren't in it.

Yes yes we're all a bunch of freaks...

SonnySpain · 08/10/2012 00:25

OP - sorry, wasn't your house - it was some of the other posters who just seemed have fantastically spacious houses! ( I'm only jealous! ) I don't think you're wrong to have ground rules about your own bedroom, especially if they aren't treating it with respect. Maybe the printer would be better in another room?

SonnySpain · 08/10/2012 00:35

Although I would like an office, however tiny... ()

tattychicken · 08/10/2012 02:24

I think the posts about the children waiting outside the bedroom door for their Dad are so sad. And why would anyone think that was 'creepy'?

margerykemp · 08/10/2012 05:27

It sounds like you have different boundaries from your DP/dSSS.

Feckbox · 08/10/2012 05:49

I always felt very warm and secure in my parents' bedroom.
I still do even now , even since my mum died last year .
And I am ancient

NotaDisneyMum · 08/10/2012 07:10

tatty You may be comfortable with a pre-pubescent boy, who tolerates rather than welcomes your presence, sitting directly outside your bedroom door listening to your every move while you wake up, pee, shower or dress - quite simply, I'm not.

For 4 days a fortnight, my DPs every move - including those behind closed doors - is observed, noted and recalled.
If he makes a phone call, DSS listens; if he reads a letter, DS looks over his shoulder, if he leaves a room, DS stops whatever he is doing and trots after him, and if he shuts a door, DS waits just the other side until he reappears. Yes, it is incredibly sad that DSS will leave the dinner table and follows DP when he goes to get the salt from the kitchen. It is endearing behaviour in a spaniel, and natural behaviour in a toddler - but once the DC is older, yes, it's unnerving and creepy for me because I'm not his parent but I'm subject to the same level of scrutiny by association.

WaitingForMe · 08/10/2012 07:38

I think privacy is hugely important. Our house rule are that you have to be invited into a bedroom and the person who most benefits is DSS1. DSS2 is of course adorable and funny but to DSS1 he can be a royal PITA.

I never saw becoming a stepmother as requiring me to give up every part of myself and sometimes I need to step back and have my space. Our bedroom is where I get that. I'm sure I'll feel the same with my own child as the boys have learned that they have to wait if DH goes into our room (ensuite) to shower. Everyone needs the odd moment to themselves, it has no baring on how much they love the children.

IceBergJam · 08/10/2012 07:47

I guess if bedrooms are not out of bounds by that rule my DD should be able to walk into her stepbrothers bedrooms when ever she feels like it , regardless of whether a girlfriend is stopping over?

Im fairly sure they would not appreciate that and would respect a certain level of privacy that perhaps we taught to them?

IceBergJam · 08/10/2012 07:48

Not stepbrothers, half brothers.

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