As a step parent fo you both parent all kids

[confuseddotcomm]

Or do you each parent mainly your own (with the back up and support of the other). I'm talking particularly about discipline. (obviously if you are the only adult there you take the lead)

[Fooso]

Do you live with them full time? We do, and I would say we both discipline them. They are all treated the same. It can by tricky sometimes, and I do have to bite my tongue sometimes, but on the whole it works. When they only came every other weekend, I let my DP discipline his 2DDs and I didn't get involved. As I say, changed when they moved in.

[theredhen]

I'm a great believer in the natural parent doing the parenting and discipline and the step parent backing that up, especially if the kids are that bit older when you get together.

However, I think there are exceptions when one natural parent isn't around much and you are the main carer or if the children are very young.

I think there is always a chance that second relationships will fail (statistically more likely than first relationships especially if kids are involved) and for those kids to lose the main disciplinarian in their life is not ideal, they need consistency and that should come from their natural parent.

[brdgrl]

My DSCs live with us full-time. If they had been younger when we got together, I would be more involved in direct discipline, but they were both teenagers by the time we all were living together.

As it is, I definitely have an equal say in what the house rules and consequences for behaviour are. Usually, though, my DH is the one to enforce the consequence (perhaps at my urging or insistence). There have been times when I have stepped in and done it directly, but honestly that usually happens when I am really raging over something and just can't take it any more! I think it would probably be better if I felt more empowered to discipline the kids myself - but because DH has been so 'Disney' in the past, it seems important to have him be the one who does it - I refuse to be cast as the wicked stepmother who punishes the kids while he lets them carry on however they like. If he were better at enforcing consistent limits himself, it would be easier, frankly.

That's my case, but I don't think there is any one answer to this - it depends on so many factors. Personalities (some people have natural authority and some struggle with it); age of kids; length of the relationship; full time vs part time; role of other parents...Obviously I think it is essential to present a united front, and I completely, 100%, believe that step-parents must set the rules in their own homes - but the actual presentation may vary.

[thewickedestsm]

We each parent our own kid, with the support of the other. I used to be far more involved in parenting DSD (discipline included) but then I realised I was banging my head against a brick wall as neither of her parents were upholding the rules and I was getting myself in knots over her when I had my own child to raise.

As soon as I stepped back, DH became a much stronger parent. I do think he needed my input in the beginning as I have raised his satdnards in terms of what to expect from his DD which I think gave him the strength to know he was allowed to have rules and boundries.

The difficulty is if you are given responsibilitiy - for example, i used to often have DSD while DH worked away - I would then be in charge of her and the house so it was a bit tricky often. We are somewhere above Aunt/ Uncle and somewhere below Mum/Dad to each other's children.

[Kaluki]

We are struggling with this issue now.
He doesn't discipline them enough, typical Disney dad
If I do he backs me up all the way but I'm fed up with being bad cop so now I insist that he disciplines them and I'll stick to disciplining my own kids.
It's a bloody minefield but ultimately there should be a balance!

[confuseddotcomm]

The wickedstmm - do you live together?

[purpleroses]

DP and I are moving in together shortly - and spending a lot of time together with the DC at the moment. We do very much parent the ones that are close in age as a team (my two DC and his younger two) - one of us may take any combination of them out, or intervene in a squabble. It seems to work well, and as we both work we have also both looked after each other's DC for a whole day at a time - which I think has helped develop a sense of authority over them. If we didn't do this, we'd have endless conversations along the lines of " your DC has just hit/pushed/sworn at my DC - go and tell him/her off..." which I'd really rather avoid.

But I'm finding it harder with his elder two - both early teens - I think largely because they don't interact (and squabble) with my own, and I've not been left in charge of them so much, so haven't developed much sense of authority over them. Or with his eldest possibly because if you first meet the DC when they're already a teen, the relationship you have with them isn't really the same. DP doesn't always appreciate that it's harder for me with these two as both of mine are pre-teen and he finds it natural really to treat them as he does his own.

I'd say if your DC are quite different ages, and you're not ever going to be leaving just one of you in charge of the other's DC - then you could do it separately, but if not, I'm not quite sure how you'd manage without a lot of stress.

The bigger/longer term parenting issues we do much more separately - at least for now - I don't have any involvement with decisions over schooling, GCSE options, etc with his DC other than to offer my views in conversation. And we each pay for our own's activities, etc.

[thewickedestsm]

We do... Four years of er, bliss

[orangeandlemons]

Oooh. I have 13 years experience of teenage stepkids.(well mine are adults and have moved out, but still had them until one as 25 )

Do not discipline, unless urgent or involves safety. My role to my sk was more of mentor/grown up friend. Direct head on confrontation with problems does not work. It can be hard but they can be fun too. Leave discipline to natural parent

Perhaps the fact that one stayed until the age of 25 is testamnet to the fact that I was probably too soft

[confuseddotcomm]

My partner wants me to treat all equally, there is one pre teen that causes difficulties and i'm thinking best to leave the discipline to my partner unless i'm on my own. However, what would you do if you were upstairs sorting the younger ones out and the teen hit one of the younger ones whilst my partner is downstairs?

Also do you share other parenting, ie, caring, feeding?

[AnitaBlake]

SD is only 5, and due to our contact arrangement I tend to look after her one weekend day a week. We're very gentle with discipline around here anyway, but yes, I do, because often there is no-one else anyway.

I prefer to get her dressed as DH has literally no idea how to put an outfit together (seriously she'd do better on her own), and help with teeth cleaning etc., and lately I've been teaching her some basic table manners, since she's unable to cut her own food up still.

I rarely raise my voice, and if anyone has an issue with it, DH is more than happy to renegociate contact arrangements!

[orangeandlemons]

Well if a teen wollops another one, then you have to intervene. But keep it short and sweet, an then leave it to natural parent to conclude (even if it means aiting for them to get homeor whatever)

However if partner is downstairs then I would get him to intervene.

Can I just say, that I am a secondary school teacher, and the amount of resentment I hear from teenagers who are disciplined by step parents is pretty high. Stepping in in an emergency is OK, but really all discipline is better coming from natural parent. It can make it hard, and it can make it seem unatural (you have to do a lot of tongue biting). You are not in a conventional family, so have to operate in a different way.

In fact if I have one peice of advice I would give over anything, is learning when to hold your tongue and pick battles.

I remember reading some advice in a book somewhere. It as talking about little kids too. It said anything to do with "bums, baths and discipline" should come from natural parent

[AnitaBlake]

interesting idea orangesandlemons, how do these ideas correlate with maintaining discipline in a school? Do you call the parents to deal with matters of discipline or deal with them in-house so to speak? I remember resenting the authority of my teachers in secondary school.

[orangeandlemons]

Depends on the circumstances. Sometimes we have to get parents in if really bad, but is mostly dealt with in school. However not sure what you're implying, but it is a very different relationship beteen students and teachers, and stepkids and step parents. Schoolkids leave at the end of the day, butyou have SK for life, so have to behave differently.

I am only talking from my experience, Everyone deals with things differently. It worked for us.

[AnitaBlake]

So you would deal with minor issues, similar to how I would with SD? The thing is, in a step situation, there is often a parent who doesn't 'approve' of the steppies role in the Childs life and is saying to the child that they can simply ignore that adult.

I'm fortunate un that this hasn't happened in our case, but it takes a whole village to raise a child and a stepparent is, similar to a teacher, aunt, uncle, grandparent or whatever, simply another person who can add to that Childs life.

A child is not an adult, and so shouldn't be expected or allowed to choose the people who are involved in its raising.

I feel very strongly that teachers should be allowed to teach, and part of this is allowing the teacher to maintain discipline in the classroom. The parents, from what we read in the press who jump in, and take the Childs side, without a full appreciation of the situation, or who simply refuse to understand that their child can be in the wrong, or deserve the sanctions imposed by the school, undermine the whole teaching process.

The teachers I respected most at school were those who kept discipline, and indeed I kept in touch with many of them.

As a teacher, its not your job to be liked, and as a parent, its the same thing. an adults role in a Childs life is to give them the skills they need to live their lives as a productive, functioning member of society. I would not stop and aunt, uncle or whatever from disciplining my child in loco parentis, I don't understand how a stepparent is different.

[orangeandlemons]

I think perhaps because your dd is 5(is that right?). At that age it is easier, and discipline can be involved from sp, but when you are dealing with teenagers who haven't got a primary bond with you it is very very different, especially if they are 14 or 15. They are nearly adults.

Also Uncle, aunt brother or wahtever blood relative and ime kids will accept discipline from them better than from SP

If you met when dc's were little it is possible to have discipline input, and because they are more accepting of it at a younger age, and this can carry on until they are older. To do the same with a 13 year old is very different, especially if you haven't known them long, AND if they live with you and you have to keep disciplining them, it can easily turn into a very bitter spiral of resentment. Rightly or wrongly it worked for us. We kept the unit together for 10 years and they lived with us all that time, which is much longer than the avearge step family lasts There were problems which we sorted along the way. Dp and I are still together and my ds (18) is still here. But the having a go bit for him is down to me. Dp will support me, and help, and talk to him, but ultimately it is down to me. Although at 18 he is really past discilplining, but he still has his moments especially festering plates in bedroom. Dp also had no compunction about pulling internet connection out when we found out Ds was on facebook at all hours. So he was involved, and did ask ds if he thought it wise, but anything contentious is down to me, and I am fine with that.

All are lovely, polite, considerate and well educated adults, so we must have done something right. DDage 6 who has 2 natural parents is a bloody nightmare

If you have no experience of dealing with teenage sk you don't know what it is like.

[orangeandlemons]

IMO, the role of a step parent is as a mentor/friend not as another parent.

[NotaDisneyMum]

I struggle with the idea of a step parent in a 'friend' role - DCs look to the adults in their lives for boundaries and guidance; if a step parent strays into the realms of confidante and friend, they risk undermining the DSC's parents.

[Fooso]

I tend to agree with NDM, though as I said I do live with my DSCs. I don't have any choice but to "parent" them as their mum isn't around. I think having me do that has given them boundaries, which they want/need, and security. I am a friend to them but a parent first. I am lucky that they are only 9 and 14 and are happy with the situation though :)

[brdgrl]

I defintely do not see my role with my teenage DSCs as that of a friend. If I did, I would have chosen to stay a friend; instead, I became a member of the family and the (jointly with DH) head of a household.

Like fooso, I have no 'choice' but to - in practice if not in name - parent all the children in my home. They live here all the time, and they need parenting all the time. My DH and I do divide up our parenting roles somewhat differently based on the circumstances. But I can't imagine a household in which I felt I had less expectations/authority than a teacher/nanny/other relative! If that's worked for others, great, but it would not be right for me, and I don't think it would meet the practical or emotional needs of my DSCs.

[Kaluki]

When I was a stepmum before to a teenage girl I was more of a big sister/friend to her, which worked fine as her Mum and Dad disciplined her well and she was an absolute delight to have around. In 5 years I don't think I ever felt the need to be a parent to her, I cooked for her and took her places but it was on more of an equal footing.
This time round, the steps are younger (8 and 10) and undisciplined and very spoilt so I feel I have to parent them but want DP to discipline them more than he does. Also my own DC have rules to follow so we have to treat them all the same.

[theredhen]

I do think it's OK to be a friend to teenage step kids, I also think that these kids mostly have 2 parents of their own, why do they need another?

They do need a positive role model and someone to respect, they don't need another parent.

My trouble is that my step kids Mum either doesn't want to parent or will parent in such an inflexible and damaging way, that the kids have no idea how to respond to any other way, and my DP is too scared to do any parenting in case his ex "tells him off".

So, I get resentful because I feel that I am the only one who actually cares about the kids enough to want to see them learn right from wrong!

[orangeandlemons]

Ah Redhen, that is tricky. My stepkids, were generally very pleasant and easy, in fact pretty lovely. I didn't have to be pushed into the role of disciplinarian.

Why is your DP scared of his ex? I think that is your first point to tackle. You need to work with him to sort out stepkids. If he is scared of his ex, it is all going to fall on your shoulders.

[theredhen]

Oranges, he's constantly undermined and criticised by his ex and she always gets her own way from less contact if she deems his "abuse" (ie. Not her style of parenting) of the kids is too much to insisting that he has kids for extra contact or different contact because she gets a new boyfriend (disguised as her requiring him to do more childcare) and anything in between.

I've come to realise that dp is not a good parent through his problems with his ex, through not taking a very active parenting role when he was with his ex and simply the way he is. What is so frustrating is that he won't communicate with me about it, he just blocks me out and refuses to see any problems within himself.

[Ratbagcatbag]

Hmmmm in our house I definately parent more than DH does with his son, I'm a naturally organised control freak person and I expect things done.

However DH does parent well, and I have a fantastic relationship
With DSS (13yo) and his mum so everything usually ok.

I think it's more that DSS will wind his dad up and DH will say something like " if you carry on you're grounded til you're 16" DSS knows never going to happen so carries on, but if I say " carry on and I'll take your phone off you for the weekend" he knows without a shadow of a doubt I would.