How do you manage family conflict at Christmas? Share your comment to generate a £2 donation to Railway Children from Aviva

[AnnMumsnet]

The team at Railway Children say "Christmas is a time that many of us look forward to throughout the year as a chance to get together and spend quality time with the family. However, even for those of us who are lucky enough to have supportive and loving families, Christmas can still be a time of stress, which can lead to family conflict.

Financial pressures, requests for elaborate presents and the need to allocate time to visit family and friends can lead to increases in family conflict at a time at which we want to create a scene of perfect togetherness.

Sometimes it is difficult to shield our children from the pressures that we are under at this time of year. Given that research* shows that there is a link between family conflict and children running away from home, we would like to know"...

~ What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?

Leave a comment below and for every quality response (up to a maximum of 3 per user), Aviva will donate £2 to Railway Children to support the work they do. Please note a donation will only be triggered for each post with MNer own thoughts / comments in - you can't just do blank posts or a few words: the donation is designed to encourage discussion

thanks, MNHQ

• Railway Children: 'Reach' - A new model of intervention for children before, during and after they run away (2012) Still Running 3 (2011), The Children’s Society

[LegoCaltrops]

~ What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time? My family, & PILs, who have irreconcilable religious differences. DM won't even see or mention MIL except to criticise.

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period? Thankfully DD is only 19 months, so too young to understand much yet. She does pick up when we are upset though, & frankly I've not a clue what we'll do when she's older. DM & Dsis are evangelists (to put it mildly) whereas MIL is of an alternative religion that DM & Dsis have said is evil. MIL is rather manipulative & thinks it's funny to cause conflict as well.

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises? Honestly I'm a wuss so I usually back down
& seethe quietly. Suspect I may be braver if it's not just my feelings at stake this year though. My DH is pretty happy to go with the flow, I've had words with DM & she's at least content that DH isn't of the same religion as MIL, I realised the first few years sniping were because she had assumed he was, So at least that's one less thing to worry about now.

[cabbagewhite]

~ What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?

Trying not to fall out with my husband who can be far too laid back, so it all falls on my shoulders. We go to my Mum's as she is the only grandparent still alive. She now lets us do the cooking, but only in the last couple of years. She is a brilliant cook, but at 83 it wears her out, which is no good for her and is awful to watch. The children know they will only get one or two things off their Christmas lists, so they choose what they want most. I always try to buy what they want, as I never got what I wanted ever when I was growing up. I don't think I was ever asked. I do steer them away from rubbish toys like furbys, pooing dog games, expensive robotic dogs etc, etc. Usually by reading out their rubbish reviews. We had furbys the first time round - eldest is 28yo, she was able to tell them how crap they were.

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?

Try to be sufficiently organised that they are prepared for all of the school concerts, parties, fayres and concerts. Only my youngest still partly believes in Santa, so the other two who live at home help a lot. We also have discussions about food, drink and activities so they feel they are involved. Apart from food shopping, virtually every thing else gets bought online, so less stress all around.

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?

We don't usually get family conflict. Can't think I've witnessed a big falling out ever at Christmas. They behave quite well. They will either be sent to bed or have the wi-fi password changed if they do not co-operate, so they make an effort. Looking forward to this year as I'm not working, so should be even better, even if we are a lot more skint as a result.

[mercibucket]

building in lots of walks and bracing fresh air is also good
you get minor conflict over being freezing but it stops everyone going stir crazy
and its harder to have long arguments in a gale force wind

[CheeseStrawWars]

if necessary, not 'is necessary'

[CheeseStrawWars]

Biggest pressure? Feeling the need to keep everyone happy.
Protecting children from stress? Trying to be 'relaxed' about things, not taking responsibility for other people's behaviour/happiness. Keeping a sense of perspective. Talking to the kids after the event is necessary to discuss why some people get upset about things the rest of us don't think are important.
Diffusing family conflict? Accepting that people are what/who they are, and that doesn't change just because it's Christmas. Not rising to the bait!

[madeofkent]

As an older twice-married parent I think I have survived and experienced many forms of Xmas celebrations with peoplewho have differing expectations and ideas re the perfect Christmas. Generally most of the women will be exhausted. They are usually the ones to snap. So

Be grateful and thank people for whatever they have given you. Be glad that they have thought of you at all. Buy yourself something really, really nice before xmas that you can think of to console yourself with later as you open the gift that you gave someone last year...

Back down. No matter what has been said. Carry on as if nothing has happened. Even if you are boiling with rage inside. Laugh it off and change the subject and after a few minutes make an excuse to wander up the garden or something.

Refuse to take sides in an arguement, no matter how you feel. Hide a good book somewhere and sneak off for ten minutes to read it to calm yourself down.

I write all this as the only one of four sisters to be still talking to all of the others. Which is very sad, I had hoped that as the years passed we would be closer, not further apart.

[wakemeupnow]

I agree with Flow. The best Christmas' we have had are those shared with friends , not family. Everyone brings a dish to share towards the meal and it's a collective affair.

I always invite the neighbour for Christmas day who is otherwise alone. He actually does us a great favour as his presence helps diffuse any possible family tensions and everyone stays well behaved.

I find Christmas stressful. Finding , shopping and paying for all the presents and food. The pressure to make it special...

I don't enjoy it that much and am often relieved when it's over

[flow4]

When I was a kid, Christmas was always a time for drunken family rows. It left me hating Christmas.

As an adult, I have found that the best way of diffusing tension is to spend time with friends rather than family. Families seem to bring out the worst behaviour, rather than the best, in so many people. For years now, my kids and I have shared Christmas with friends as well as relatives - either inviting friends to join us, or for the past few years, joining another family for Christmas dinner.

The result is not a single family row in over a decade, and a much more relaxed and happy Christmas all round. :)

[FirstTimerWally]

Biggest pressure: to see everyone. My family and DH's family are both over an hour away in opposite directions and we have a tiny house so couldn't have everyone here.

Protect children: don't know yet, DD is only 5 months!

Diffuse conflict: rarely comes to that, we just act civil with each other then moan once we get home! Although I can get snappy with my own family, but not DH's.

[tinypumpkin]

What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?
Getting presents and making an effort with them (effort and money!)
Arranging things that suit everyone

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?
They are too young for present buying (my big stress) so not sure this is relevant. They just enjoy it all (2 and 4)

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?
Try and take a deep breath before replying. Attempt to see the situation from all view points rather than just wading in with my own ideas.

[MollyBerry]

~ What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?
Being together all the tiem with noone going to work!

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?
TAke time away from each other!

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?
Walk away - cool down, don't keep on arguing

[BooMeowson]

I really don't like Aviva so I will be delighted to cost them £2 with this post!

I was a child of divorced parents and Christmas has always been a difficult time.

Make it easier on children by:

Not rabbiting on about how expensive it is. Leave a little magic in there!

Accept that not every day or outing will be a perfect family moment. Have some "nothing" days and enjoy the fun things that naturally occur.

Christmas day is NOT the day to have a big "to do" over children eating vegetables. I was witness to this once, just awful.

[Mograt]

So here are my thoughts on the subject! Not sure I qualify as an expert as I've not done a single thing for Christmas yet having only just finished tidying up after the birthdays of my two DCs!

What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?

For us it's trying to work out how to get together with the various branches of the family without wearing ourselves out by either travelling for hours or alternatively hosting everybody, breaking the bank and wearing myself out as I'm head cook and bottle washer, bed maker, shopper, planner etc. Also now the two DCs are young teens it's trying to balance activities for them with the differing needs of the agers

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?

I try to build in time for my two to have down time as well as time joining in with the main meals, activities and being polite to and interested in the grown ups! We also try to build in some communal activities such as walking the dog, swimming, watching silly family movies and playing games.


I'm not a natural hostess either so we regularly travel to my MIL abroad for part of the Christmas break where we all share the family cooking and household duties and there's more time to just walk the dogs, build fires, play games, and sit and chat with a glass of mulled wine!

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?

If a minor domestic breaks out over the brussels and the DCs are in the room then they know that it's part of normal family life and if apologies are due they are made in front of the children to show them how to behave.
If more complicated discussions or larger domestics occur then we try to have them away from the children. We try not to involve the DCs in these conversations as I feel there is so much pressure to grow up that it's good to minimise exposure to such subjects. However, we don't pretend we haven't been arguing and if appropriate will explain in brief why the argument has occurred (I'm tired; so and so has been rude; I've asked you a million times to help and you haven't blah blah) and that where apologies are needed that they have been made.

Happy Christmas everyone!

[liveotherwise]

biggest pressures?
Other people's ideas of what Christmas is supposed to be about.

How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?
We have a routine (traditions are useful ;) ) minimal buildup - no early decorations here. Christmas proper starts with crib service a few days before hand, tree goes up on Christmas eve. Christmas day is a family meal at nearby (walking distance!) relatives, and boxing day a very relaxed affair with a film or games.

We visit the rest of the family over New Year, which spreads it all out a bit.

How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?
Depends on what it is. Internal family stuff usually arises because people aren't getting their down time. External or wider family stuff is talked about beforehand and we do lots of talking afterwards too.

I'd be quite happy if Christmas was once every couple of years to be honest.

[TeenAndTween]

~ What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?

Making sure everyone gets a chance to do their own thing / relax (including me!).

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?

Low key prior to Christmas so they don't get too hyped up.
Stick to routines and traditions.
make sure everyone knows what is going on.
Don't try to be perfect.
Some outdoor activity / exercise every day
No extended periods in front of screens.

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?

Send people out for walks.
Get children to watch own films in separate room

[JParkson]

We are lucky in that we don't see much of our extended family (aunts/uncles), so when we do get together it's really amicable.

And both DH and I get on with our respective PILs/GPs etc... DS is the one we have to watch, as his life is soooo hard(!) :o

[JParkson]

~ What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?
As someone else put, cabin fever. Even though we do go out, and spend time with other members of our family, DS (10) does get tired and wound up because things aren't going his way. This often leads to DH getting annoyed at him and a yelling match kicking off... I often have to mediate while trying to keep our DDs (3 & 15mo) out of the way. It becomes an art in a 2-bedroom house...! Roll on next year when we've hopefully moved!

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?
Try and limit the time DS spends on his iPad, as this is guaranteed to make him grotty. Make sure we all sleep enough, and then balance days out with quiet days in. Board games rather than individual activities, unless DDs are asleep, then yes, we each do our little thing.

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?
Insist on time-outs between annoyed parties, get the family out for a walk or something, as it's usually because we're all cooped up.

[JillinSwindon]

~ Biggest pressures? When the children were little, trying to avoid all the commercial hype and unrealistic expectations. Too many sausage rolls and cakes at all the toddler group parties. Being pulled in different directions by loving (and loved) grandparents - who live at opposite ends of the country.
~How did/do we protect them from the stresses and strains? By having Christmas at home, so we could do things on our terms. Often having grandparents to stay, but if not, spending a special weekend with them prior to the big event. And by not going overboard with the anticipation: keeping things fairly quiet but still looking forward. Stressing the 'Season of Goodwill', and the 'real spirit of Christmas' - the Nativity aspect, which seems in very short supply this year.
In more recent years since the children have grown up, we share the big day with a family of friends - they bring the main course, we do the pudding and trimmings - we all have a good time.
~ De-stress? See all the above! We're probably lucky in having a very small extended family, so there isn't so much risk - reading what other people have written, I'm thankful!

[EstoyAqui]

~ What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?

I do not allow any negative influences in the family home either at Christmas or otherwise. My mother was/is a horrendous person and I have learnt from what she was liked that even if their is no particular drama that day any suspected grudge is carried over. I have vowed to ensure my children do not experience any such influence or stress.

I think stress normally occurs regarding differences in traditions and around eating. I try to ensure our timings and plans are communicated and I generally relax my attitude as to what to expect from both adults and children. Kids are normally overtired and overwhelmed. Adults are normally disappointed and out of their routines and comfort [MIL I am looking at you here]. Ensuring that there is lots to do and distract along with space to remove yourself if you need be really helps out.

I do not have older children but I remember as a child being forced to sit in the dining room 'taking part'. I hated it. I allow my children to take some quiet time away if they are overwhelmed and I intend to allow them this opportunity as they grow.

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?

I talk about the true meaning of christmas with my DD and DS. We visit a local church to hand out food parcels and help with serving food. I remind them that they are very fortunate and that Christmas is not just about materialistic presents. We also wrap up charity gift boxes and I suggest to them they use some of their pocket money to help other by buying a gift to donate.

We have a very busy calendar in the run up to christmas and I make sure we continue with the children's traditions such as ice-skating and decorating the tree. I try to allow them to influence christmas so as they feel a part of what is going on rather than having it imposed on them.

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?

I speak to any adults involved before the day. Forewarned and all that. I do not allow any strong characters in our home but rather visit them at theirs. A clear plan of action for the day is confirmed with any guests at our house to ensure they know when we are opening presents or eating.

My MIL is a Jehovah's Witness so she just joins us for the evening to spend family time together and FIL arrives earlier in the day to take part in presents and dinner etc as he does not follow that belief. I am clear to them both that the children are not to be used as pawns in any disagreements they may hold. I have also learnt over the years what is likely to cause a situation and remove it or quickly change the subject.

[nameuschangeus]

We only have people over on Christmas Day and we're lucky that parents and in-laws get on and also behave themselves. However, if the dc's play up it's off out for a walk (even if only round the block) and the fresh air / cold helps!

[BigWellyLittleWelly]

What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?
My family pushing for visiting sessions which don't suit our small children and the effort to try to pretend all is well, the expectations of perfection, the food, the presents, the outfits, the forced fun.

How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?
Last year we decided we would stay at home and visit family as and when it suited the small DC, we cooked our own lunch and had a giant family nap all together.

How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?
Leave, or if it happens in advance of the big day then we politely state what we are doing, and sometimes reach a compromise.

[BackforGood]

Biggest pressure? - Not really pressured here. There's some stress (for me) as I like to try to get the house all cleaned and as tidy as I can manage, but I think that's a good thing as it does need to be done at some point, and I need the time pressure of someone coming to stay, to force me to do it.

How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period? They aren't stressed about it. Christmas is a time to look forward to and enjoy - in their lives, there are no stresses at Christmas

How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises? - Same as rest of the year. Mine are teens, they tend to go off and do their own thing in their rooms when they want to. When they were little, and it all got too much at Grandparents on Christmas day, I'd take ds out for a walk / run off some energy / get some fresh air / give older relatives a breather from him, but doesn't arise now they are teens.

[Tommy]

~What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?
the massive differences between the way my family celebrates and the way the ILs do.
the expectations of different people


~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?
they don't know anything about the organising side of it! and also I have stopped seeing one sister at Christmas following a huge row a couple of years ago

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?
suggest a walk

[choccyp1g]

~ What are the biggest pressures on your family at Christmas time?
Have some family spread around the country, so my big pressure is getting stuff posted to them in time.

~ How do you protect your children from the stresses and strains of the Christmas period?
Ds isn't stressed at all.

~ How do you diffuse family conflict when it arises?
Doesn't happen, hardly see them.

[supermam]

Christmas is fairly unstressed here. It tends to be too many cooks in the kitchen, so we prep the veg the night before. The Santa preparation is a bit stressful (half- chewed carrots, icing sugar - full staged production!) NORAD Santa/tracker is great for getting DS to bed and "Santa" drinks the sherry! If family members clash over Doctor Who on Christmas Day, some of us will go out for "fresh air". Avoid Monopoly at all costs!