7yo old biting 4yo

[Kalodi]

DS(7) is autistic and has recently started biting his younger sibling. I think some of it is a way to show dominance and the other part is frustration. It's not just him that he is biting but also his things too, as an example he bit and ate his brother's drawing this morning.

I'm obviously concerned as this is often drawing blood. But what worries me even more is how I hear him talking to his brother, he is saying things like how it's an accident or that he shouldn't tell anyone or that he is in charge and so thats what he gets for thinking otherwise. He also threatens him by just showing his teeth to get him to comply.

I very very rarely leave them alone, just when I go to the loo or grabbing something quickly but usually I get one of them to come with me, so a lot of the time this is happening in front of me and DS(7) locks on and stares at me in the eyes. After he let's go he starts shouting at me.

I know I must need to keep an even closer eye on them and look to see when to intervene but I really am struggling with this. Usually 9/10 times I can spot when DS(7) needs help to regulate but with this I'm really missing it. Like with the art work this morning, they were both beautifully drawing and DS(7) appeared really proud of his piece, talking to us about it but when he asked to see DS(4) artwork he said "this needs to be better" and then bit and ate it! It was a really sudden switch of his behaviour.

I'm unsure what to do, what repercussions should happen here? I've been going straight to DS(4) to help comfor him and telling DS(7) he needs to take himself away. Once DS(4) is happy I then go and talk to DS(7) in plain factual language about how it's no acceptable to do that and whatever he was doing before he cannot do for the rest of the day. But this approach isn't changing anything and if anything it's ramping up so I would really appreciate other tactics as I'm getting it wrong here.

Thank you.

[Kalodi]

To add to this, I have spoken to DS(4) about how it's not okay his brother does this to him but he defends him and tells me that he knows his brother loves him and that when DS(7) gets into trouble it makes him sad as he doesn't like DS(7) being told off and it's okay that he bites him as he likes playing with him.

[Kalodi]

There is no support available, we did ask for help multiple times but all they do us come round and say we are doing a great job and leave with patronising leaflets.

Yes, we home school why? DS is currently unable to attend school due to being permanently excluded and the damage that took on his MH. We have found his MH has drastically improved since being home though and is much more regulated now at home. Just this biting thing is new and unsure how to handle this.

[BusMumsHoliday]

Have you asked DS7 about this behaviour when he's calm and away from his brother? In a really neutral way, with genuine curiosity, so that he doesn't feel like he's being attacked or critized? You could also try voicing his emotions for him, "I wonder if you were feeling jealous of your brother's drawing/worried it would take attention from yours."

Have you tried giving him a different behaviour - either biting a chewy or another way to express feelings?

Is DS4 getting time out of the house away from his brother?

[Kalodi]

Yes I have done this, he says suff like "DS(4) done it first" (which I know isn't true) or "cos he deserves it" or "he just makes me so angry" or "so he does what I want him to"

I've spoken calmly about this to him and offered alternatives. We have very good chats before bed daily, where we have 1 on 1 talk about anything he feels he needs to express or share and have dug into this biting. He says he knows its wrong and he won't do it anymore but then it does happen again.

Yes DS(4) has time away from the house and DS(7) at least 3 times a week

[Headfirstintothewild]

Whilst working on a longer term solution, can you position yourself between DS1 and DS2 so DS1 can’t physically reach DS2 to bite him?

Have you tried keeping a detailed diary to spot triggers?

Has DS ever recieved any therapies? I would request a referral to CAMHS.

On the schooling front. You don’t have to EHE just because DS has been PEX. The LA is responsible for ensuring provision is provided. Therefore, I suggest you stop EHE, inform the LA they need to make alternative arrangements to ensure DS receives a suitable full-time education and request an EHCNA if DS doesn’t already have an EHCP or request an early review if he does. An EHCP can provide far more support than you are receiving.

Contact Home Start. They may be able to support you.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS1. 

For DS2, have you spoken to your local young carer’s service? There’s also Sibs who some find helpful.

Some people find The Explosive Child &/or the Out of Sync Child books helps. Others find Yvonne Newbold’s resources useful.

How are DS1’s sleep and eating?

Have you considered nursery/school (depending on age) for DS2 to give him more respite?

[Kalodi]

DS(4) can't be in school, he is not of school age is at nursery 3 days a week so not sure why people are telling me to put him in school?

He was excluded for 1. Running off school grounds and unable to be contained 2. On the occasion they did lock him into closets or rooms he would then harm himself or the room.

Tbh be is rather traumatised by his experience at school.

Until last week when the biting started, we really weren't having any issues at home, things were a lot calmer for us all and I would say even with the biting we are the happiest we have ever been as a family.

The help we asked for previously we don't feel we need any longer apart from this new biting issue.

I will ask for CAHMS again although he was refused last time as his needs weren't high enough (despite his suicide attempts).

[Kalodi]

Should add, we have read the Explosive Child book and have found some brilliant PDA podcasts too, all that have been amazing along with a FB forum too that's been helpful. However, I've not had much luck in implementing the strategies on this biting which is why I'm asking for advice here now

[Headfirstintothewild]

If you request an EHCNA and an EHCP is issued, therapies and MH support can be included in there even when DC doesn’t meet the normal threshold for CAMHS/SALT/OT.  

MH support is needed because DS is clearly anxious and you say he has trauma from school. DS needs SALT and OT to help with difficulties arising from his ASD. SALT can help with emotional regulation and better ways to communicate. OT can also help with emotional regulation and some find it can help with the because for some biting is due to unmet sensory needs.

Whilst requesting an EHCNA, you should stop EHE and put the responsibility back on the LA to provide a suitable full-time education.

Do you have a partner who works and do you get carer’s allowance? I ask because if the answer to both is yes DS2 could be eligible for 30hrs nursery funding.

[Kalodi]

So we have a EHCP via school already @Headfirstintothewild But none of the strategies were really being listened to by the school. They were trying but I just don't think they could create the environment that he needed.

Yes, we both work but don't qualify for carers allowance as our household income is too high. DS2 does receive the 30hrs already but it's still costing us £800 a month currently to put him into Nursery.

[Headfirstintothewild]

If an EHCP is already in place you need to request an early review. Is there a school you think could work? If not, have you looked at EOTAS? The main thing is you don’t have to EHE and an EHCP can fund far more support than the vast majority of parents can afford if they EHE. 

If you inform the LA you are no longer EHE and they need to make suitable arrangements under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 so DS receives a suitable full-time education, under s.42 CAFA 2014 they also need to provide anything detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP.

For future reference, the provision detailed, specified and quantified in F must be provided (but not if you EHE) and can be enforced if it isn’t received. This only applies if the provision is detailed, specified and quantified. It can’t be enforced if the wording is vague or woolly.

[Headfirstintothewild]

Have you even bothered to read OP’s posts? She has posted more than once DS2 attends nursery.

[Headfirstintothewild]

So, having read the OP’s posts stating DS2 attends nursery, why do you feel the need to state “he should be in nursery” when he already is?

[Headfirstintothewild]

No, I don’t. More than once OP posted her DS attends nursery yet you still reply with “he should be in nursery”. He is!