Shit start to secondary

[Cardboardstuff]

My lovely 11yo DS with AS is having a really bad start to secondary and has missed almost half the days so far because of refusing to go in. After maintaining it was a mysterious re-appearing illness, he has now told me all about how sad he feels at having no friends at his school. it was a hugely emotional outpouring of everything - how unfriendly the other kids are, the feeling excluded, etc. It is heartbreaking. He is a sociable boy and loves company, and had a strong circle of friends in his primary, none of whom are in the same school as him now. The school is great and keen to help - they know what they're doing. But they can't help him if he stays home. He has promised me that this is the last day he refuses and that tomorrow he will go in and every day from then on. But I'm concerned it might not be, he really is panicky and describes himself as depressed.

Does anyone know of any good resources for talking him through how making friends can take time, maybe something online that I can do with him, talk with him about today while he is at home with me (missing yet another day at work). I know there's no magic bullet, and I've done a social story with him, hastily put together last night. But as we're home today, I'd love to find something online or find a useful angle on it to help him see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The school are taking it seriously and will ensure he starts going to some lunchtime clubs, ask some of the boys to look out for him if he's alone at breaktimes etc, there is a breakout room for kids with ASD etc. I just need to get him to see that he needs to trust us (his parents, the school etc) that we can help him to make it better.

[Ineedmorepatience]

I wondered about that too polter my friends Dd is surviving secondary so far with headphones, music and the library at lunchtime! Not ideal but it gives her a break!

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks both, yes I too think that they're doing quite a bit. I just worry that it's not working. Outside of school he does see friends from primary, but doesn't do any 'activities' as such although is starting woodcraft folk next week.

He desperately wants to change schools, and we'll keep that in the back of our minds as a plan B, but I really don't want to do that in case the same thing happens again.

There is one boy they introduced him to who is also having a tough time (also has Asd) and they seemed to get on so I might invite him over. DS liked him but they're not in the same class for anything so I think they never bump into each other, it's a big school.

Do you think it ever works for a more socially able kid to be asked to 'keep an eye out' for another child, to maybe include them in stuff if they're alone etc? The school suggested this but I'm not sure they ever actually did it.

[Ineedmorepatience]

Its probably me but that doesnt quite sit right with me!

Dd3 had a "friend" at secondary who was encouraged to look after Dd3 all that really happened was that they both became isolated because Dd3 is very strong and controlling and if she didnt want to socialise then she didnt and the friend was then stuck! She ended up making no new friends at secondary until Dd3 left and now she has made lots!

I think it is too much responsibility for a child!

Others may have had different experiences though!

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks Ineed, yes that doesn't sound right at all! I think the school were thinking about something a bit less full on- more that a kid might just ask if DS if he'd like to join them from time to time etc, with the idea that this might enable DS to forge friendships once he starts to join in the play a bit more.

DS had some maths homework to do over the holiday which I tried to do this morning (he starts back tomorrow). Cue massive outbursts with sobbing about how awful his life is. I abandoned the h/w as he was in no state to do it, but now he'll probably get a detention tomorrow- great way to start the term...

[Dipankrispaneven]

It does sound as if you need a higher level of support in the statement and more specific provision, particularly in relation to social communication. I would suggest you talk to the SENCO about an emergency annual review and updating the EP and SALT assessments. They're going to have to do that anyway when he transfers to an EHC Plan, and they clearly need professional advice.

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks dipan, maybe that's a good way to start this term- by trying to put that in motion. God it's so difficult. And so saddening...