Shit start to secondary

[Cardboardstuff]

My lovely 11yo DS with AS is having a really bad start to secondary and has missed almost half the days so far because of refusing to go in. After maintaining it was a mysterious re-appearing illness, he has now told me all about how sad he feels at having no friends at his school. it was a hugely emotional outpouring of everything - how unfriendly the other kids are, the feeling excluded, etc. It is heartbreaking. He is a sociable boy and loves company, and had a strong circle of friends in his primary, none of whom are in the same school as him now. The school is great and keen to help - they know what they're doing. But they can't help him if he stays home. He has promised me that this is the last day he refuses and that tomorrow he will go in and every day from then on. But I'm concerned it might not be, he really is panicky and describes himself as depressed.

Does anyone know of any good resources for talking him through how making friends can take time, maybe something online that I can do with him, talk with him about today while he is at home with me (missing yet another day at work). I know there's no magic bullet, and I've done a social story with him, hastily put together last night. But as we're home today, I'd love to find something online or find a useful angle on it to help him see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The school are taking it seriously and will ensure he starts going to some lunchtime clubs, ask some of the boys to look out for him if he's alone at breaktimes etc, there is a breakout room for kids with ASD etc. I just need to get him to see that he needs to trust us (his parents, the school etc) that we can help him to make it better.

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks dipan, maybe that's a good way to start this term- by trying to put that in motion. God it's so difficult. And so saddening...

[Dipankrispaneven]

It does sound as if you need a higher level of support in the statement and more specific provision, particularly in relation to social communication. I would suggest you talk to the SENCO about an emergency annual review and updating the EP and SALT assessments. They're going to have to do that anyway when he transfers to an EHC Plan, and they clearly need professional advice.

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks Ineed, yes that doesn't sound right at all! I think the school were thinking about something a bit less full on- more that a kid might just ask if DS if he'd like to join them from time to time etc, with the idea that this might enable DS to forge friendships once he starts to join in the play a bit more.

DS had some maths homework to do over the holiday which I tried to do this morning (he starts back tomorrow). Cue massive outbursts with sobbing about how awful his life is. I abandoned the h/w as he was in no state to do it, but now he'll probably get a detention tomorrow- great way to start the term...

[Ineedmorepatience]

Its probably me but that doesnt quite sit right with me!

Dd3 had a "friend" at secondary who was encouraged to look after Dd3 all that really happened was that they both became isolated because Dd3 is very strong and controlling and if she didnt want to socialise then she didnt and the friend was then stuck! She ended up making no new friends at secondary until Dd3 left and now she has made lots!

I think it is too much responsibility for a child!

Others may have had different experiences though!

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks both, yes I too think that they're doing quite a bit. I just worry that it's not working. Outside of school he does see friends from primary, but doesn't do any 'activities' as such although is starting woodcraft folk next week.

He desperately wants to change schools, and we'll keep that in the back of our minds as a plan B, but I really don't want to do that in case the same thing happens again.

There is one boy they introduced him to who is also having a tough time (also has Asd) and they seemed to get on so I might invite him over. DS liked him but they're not in the same class for anything so I think they never bump into each other, it's a big school.

Do you think it ever works for a more socially able kid to be asked to 'keep an eye out' for another child, to maybe include them in stuff if they're alone etc? The school suggested this but I'm not sure they ever actually did it.

[Ineedmorepatience]

I wondered about that too polter my friends Dd is surviving secondary so far with headphones, music and the library at lunchtime! Not ideal but it gives her a break!

[Ineedmorepatience]

I guess a circle of friends could work but the group would need to be very carefully chosen to minimise the risk of disaster!

The difficulty is that the school wont really know the yr 7's yet so picking a group could be tricky!

[Cardboardstuff]

There is still a great outreach team in my borough- not sure how quickly they can be brought in though. A key problem with DS is that he won't go into school if too freaked out by it and his attendance over the first term was 60-something per cent. (I work, albeit part-time, so a nightmare..!)

Does anyone think 'circle of friends' is worth trying? I dread to think of how it could go wrong and result in him being ostracised further...

[Ineedmorepatience]

We found that Dd3's school would smile and nod and write down lots of stuff that we had suggested and then ignore it! It was as if they felt like we were trying to tell the how to do their jobs! There is a difference between that and scaffolding a child who us unable to ask for help but who can express themselves and their dissatisfaction at home!

Thats why I think you need autism outreach on board! Sadly all the out reach staff were made redundant in my LA about 10 yrs ago

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks Ineed, I'll make it a priority to ask them to do that. I can't quite get the measure of how open they are to my suggestions. I've made a number of suggestions that are more to do with supporting him with organisation, homework, etc which has all been fine. But I'm at more of a loss when it comes to interventions to do with the social side of things. In primary it was much more straightforward as I often had kids round after school and so on- I could do the inviting myself.

I thought I detected a bit of defensiveness with his HLTA who kept repeated that they were 'doing a lot' with him but I hadn't been criticising- just raising the point that if things weren't working thus far, we need to think of other ideas.

[Ineedmorepatience]

They need to get the autism outreach team in as quickly as they can! Some of their strategies are clearly not working for your son and it is really down to the school to find different stategies!

I am sure you have made suggestions to them already, how did they accept them coming from you?

[Cardboardstuff]

Do you think this situation would merit bringing back in external people, whether SALT or someone from the autism outreach team? They all did their assessments in year 5 but we're in a very different situation now.

I also don't want to waste too much time and a referral might take a while. DS will totally disenfranchise I think if things deteriorate further. I'd love to go in first week of term and work out a 'what next' plan with them. But I'm just not sure what is the best thing. I'd happily do social stories but the context of this new secondary school is unfamiliar to me and so I'm never sure what IS the best advice...

[Cardboardstuff]

Hi dipan, well there is a section in the statement to do with social communication etc but there's no actual SALT provision. It's more 'the people working with DS must have training in...' or 'SALT advice must inform...' It mentions buddy systems, social stories etc.

[Dipankrispaneven]

Does the statement include help with social communication? It might be an idea to suggest a reassessment, particularly involving an Educational Psychologist and speech and language therapist.

[Cardboardstuff]

Hi. I'm returning to this thread that I started at the beginning of October for, hopefully, some more advice. Unfortunately nothing much improved over the rest of the term and DS has just become steadily more down and hopeless about school. He feels utterly crap about himself and that everyone dislikes him. I'm bracing myself for the start of the new term and want to meet with the school as early as poss to talk about things we can do. While there is lots that needs to be done to support his learning I want to focus on the social side coz this is what is making him so depressed.

Since I last posted we had a referral to targeted family support and he now has a support worker. Not sure how much difference it'll make but I'll accept any help on offer at the mo! Have any of you had good experiences of having a support worker?

He has a weekly one-to-one with a HLTA at his school who supports the kids with ASD. They've tried to buddy him up a couple of times with other kids but neither have really worked out (one of them now tells DS often how much he hates him). He sits alone outside to eat lunch. They've tried to encourage him to walk up to a table of kids he knows having lunch and ask to join them but, understandably, he finds this too hard. They've encouraged him to go to lunch clubs, which he has done to a limited degree. Sometimes he dismisses them as 'boring' and won't go (he has a tendency to cut off his nose to spite his face) and then just ends up sitting alone outside. The school says that they've done a lot but that he won't follow their advice enough to make a change for the better, and this is clearly a bit frustrating for them.

There has also been bullying from a group of older kids (physical violence) which devastated him.

I wondered if anyone had any experience of good interventions for the social side of things? Anyone found 'circle of friends' any good for this age group? Or a good buddying system (how does a successful one work??).

I'm slightly terrified of the new term starting in case things get even worse....

[Frizzcat]

Cardboardstuff hope it all gets better for your ds and that this is just a little hurdle for him.

Polter your post first post on this thread really reasonated with me regarding my own ds thanks

[Ineedmorepatience]

Well done to him

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks Ineed. (Sorry for not replying to you have been out all day and last night) Yes he has a statement. The school and I are in touch on an almost daily basis- I can't fault them. DS went to school today and promises to keep going so this is a huge positive cos he certainly won't make friends sitting at home.

[Ineedmorepatience]

I am guessing he doesnt have a statement or ehcp!

Personally I would contact the school and ask them to help. My personal feeling is that peer support has a place but it shouldnt be in place of proper adult support. Its very early days for your son and if some support is put into place now eg, social groups, clubs, circle of friends etc he might survive. If not he is likely to slip into complete school refusal and then you will never get him back!

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks Ineed. Yes, he definitely needs more help. There are quite a few kids from his old primary at this school but none who he hangs out with. But some of the mums are friends of mine. I was thinking of asking them to ask their kids if they could keep an eye out for him, maybe include him if he's on his own. Could this backfire in a way I can't predict? Do you think 11/12 year olds would have the maturity to do this kindly. Or could it make things worse do you think? Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on that...

[Ineedmorepatience]

Starting secondary is massive for children with Asd/As, it sounds like your Ds needs more help. He may want to cope in the playground but clearly he isnt able to at the moment!

I am really not the right person to advise you because we didnt manage to get to the end of yr 7 due to Dd3 not recieving the support that she needed.

Friends issues were not her biggest problem, hers was more the teachers but she was unable to attend due to anxiety many many times!

Hope you can get this sorted

[Cardboardstuff]

Thanks obs. I hope things are okay with you?

[Obs2015]

poor you. poor him.
my son has been sobbing and sobbing. breaking my heart, it is.
I can ONLY offer you an understanding hug!!